scarletbegonia's Open Salon Blog

Broken.

Fri, 9 Dec 2011 18:12:47 -0500

Sometimes I get down. I get that woe is me feeling. I start thinking that somehow everyone else's life is better than mine. And I don't really mean everyone, but my friends, my acquaintances, the people in my little word. I starting feeling like things are so hard for me, that they are somehow harder for me than anyone else, and that of all of the people I know, things are the suckiest for me. Of course this can't be true, but this is how I start to feel.

I think ridiculous things like everyone else's job is better than mine (whch might be true), or everyone else's house is bigger, less cramped and not as messy as mine (again, could be true), or everyone else's spouse, or at least some my friends' spouses, are more loving than mine. Or I think, no one else has fucked up as much as I have; they've all made better choices; they've all ended up in better places. They get to go out more. They're more put together. They are in better shape. They don't let their kids eat junk food. They go on better vacations. They have sit-down family dinners. They have more fun. They ARE more fun!

And then sometimes I think: They never feel sad. They're not depressed. They never cry. They never want to hide in the bed all day. They never feel like a failure. They never feel like they can't keep it together. They never feel alone when surrounded by tons of people. They never want to run away. They never wonder what if, or what else could have been. They never wonder if this is it, if this is all there is.

But then, and I bet you can guess where this is going, I am reminded. I get a glimpse behind the curtain, and I see that despite appearances, I am not alone. That is, I've come to realize that we are all broken. We are all cracked. We are all struggling. We all sometimes look as though we've got it together, but in reality, are completely and totally falling apart. We all have our secrets. We all pretend. We all sometimes wish for something other. We all sometimes wonder what else could be. We all sometimes walk that fine line.

It doesn't always make me feel better. In fact, as I write this, I am thinking about how my job truly does suck more than any of the other jobs my friends have, and again, I swear this one could be true. But I do know, that I am not alone. I am not the only one who is broken, not the only one desperately trying to keep it together, not the only one who sometimes feel like it's all just too much. Not everyone says it. Not everyone can admit. But that doesn't mean it's not true.

Be Here Now.

Sun, 28 Aug 2011 11:08:30 -0400

I'm so tired of driving the bus, but I'm starting to realize that I am the only one who is going to do it. Someone might take the wheel from time to time, for a few miles, grant me a small reprieve, but for the most part, it's me. I'm the driver. I'm the one logging most of the miles. And I guess that what I've learned, and what I am trying to accept, is that it's not the worst thing in the world. Believe me, I'm not happy about it, but things could be worse. I know that well.

So often people talk about change. Changing your circumstances, changing yourself, changing what you don't like, what you don't want, but I think for me, my energies might be better spent accepting things as they are. Accepting that for now, this is how it is. For now, this is what I have to do, this is what I have to give, this is who I have to be, and this is where I have to be. In a way, it feels like giving up, but I think for me, it might be more like moving on.

I can't look at what could be. I have to look at what is. I can't look to how it is for others. I have to look at how it is, for me, for now. Otherwise, I'll constantly be mired in this muddy muck of a mood. And I'm tired of that too. Tired of wishing for something other, something better, something different, something seemingly easier.

I just want to be here and be content. And truthfully, things here aren't really that bad. And sometimes, more often that not, they really are pretty damn good. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

No one knows what it's like.

Fri, 3 Jun 2011 13:06:41 -0400

just when you think youre on the edge, when you're fairly certain you just cant take any more, that you can't handle one more thing, it comes. it comes when you least expect. it 's there. pressing down on you. suffocating you. making it very hard to breathe. cant find any air. cant find any space. cant find anywhere to be. cant handle it. cant deal. and you just dont know what to do. truly. you really really dont. and you pray that someone would just make it all go away, take you away from it all, let you escape, help you get away...and you know that it will never happen. not for you. and you think maybe youre being a bit of a drama queeen, maybe a bit melodramatic, but right now, it doesnt feel that way. and nobody knows how you feel. theyre there for you, yes. but they dont know, they dont really know how it feels because they cant. and you cant really tell anyone anyway. and youre sort of just stuck. with nowhere to go. nowhere to be. alone. in the worst way.

Mama, you been on my mind.

Sun, 8 May 2011 22:05:24 -0400

As I've mentioned, my youngest daughter, who is 5, is not the best sleeper. Every night, somene lies with her until she falls asleep. And at least two or three times a week, she wakes up in the middle of the night to come into our bed. This routine can be wearing as I've no doubt mentioned. And still, we oblige. Partially because it's oddly easier, but also, because when I step back and look at this "issue" in that big picture, grand scheme of things, kind of way, it's really not such a big deal.

Sometimes when she comes in at night she claims she has a tummy ache, which, of course, is magically cured the moment she climbs into our bed. One morning, after a typical night of musical beds, my husband and I, ever the lawyers, called her on it, telling her we doubted that she really had a belly ache given that it miraculously felt better as soon as she got in our bed. She insisted that her tummy did in fact hurt. She explained, however, that it was "mama love" that made it all better. Now I know that in a way, my kid is working me, but what can I say, it works. Because after I heard that, I basically said "no further questions."

There really is such a limited time in our children's lives when we, as parents, can make things better just by being there, by literally being physically present. As our kids get older, the "issues" inevitably get bigger and more complicated, and while we can undoubtedly still help see them through, we often can't make it better just by loving them.

Right now though, there are moments when my daughter is completely comforted by my love; she is sated just by knowing that I am physically beside her; and she is calmed simply by feeling my arms around her. And for this short time in her life, I can give her this gift, of making her feeling safe and secure, protected and loved. I can make her feel like everything is going to be okay and everything is right in her little world. Today, and tonight, I can and I will give her lots and lots of "mama love," because I know that one day, my love won't be enough to make everything all better. But for today, and maybe tomorrow, it is.

That doesn't mean that I won't keep trying to get her to stay in her bed, or that I won't feel annoyed or irritated when my sleep is disrupted yet again, or that I won't try to bribe her by offering to buy her anything at all that she wants if she will just sleep in her bed all night every night. But, it means that for now, I am going to keep on giving her some "mama love" -- for as long as she wants and needs it, and for as long as she'll let me.

Someday, everything is gonna be different

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 15:04:41 -0400

It's not really any easier. At least not for me. I feel like it's getting easier for everyone else. Except for me. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. I really don't know nor do I care because that's how I feel. I feel like it just keeps getting harder.

My kids are older - 5 and 8; they are definitely more self-sufficient. But one of them is up at least twice a week in the middle of the night. And my little one needs someone to lie with her until she falls asleep which routinely sucks at least an hour of my evening. For reasons not worth explaining, that habit can't really be changed at this point in time. So I've just resigned myself to having no time in the evening, because by the time I get out of her room, I am exhausted. And there is either work to be done or cleaning up or I just simply say, screw it to all that, and go to bed because I can't deal and I am tired and I have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. When I do go straight to bed, I hate it. It leaves me feeling like I have no time at all to myself at night, let alone any time with my husband.

I also now have a demanding job at which I work 4 days a week, which also leaves me feeling like I have absoluetly no time to or for myself. It's not the kind of job that I leave when I leave the office. It follows me home. Yes, it pays well, but it sucks. It's exactly the type of job I didn't want when I said I was going to go back to work. But right now, it's the only job I've got. And being this kind of lawyer is the only thing I'm qualified to do. At least on paper.

On the Friday mornings that should be mine from at least 9 to 1, there is always, inevitably some reason that I don't get that free time - sick kid, school function, schol vacation, work, etc. There is absolutely always something.

I never have time to go to the gym anymore, which means I've now packed on the pounds, weighing more than I have in years. My clothes don't fit. I hate it. To go to the gym, I either have to go at 5 in the morning, though I can't get up for that, especially if I've been awakened by a child in the middle of the night, or I can go at 7 at night when my husband comes home from work, but by then, I am pooped.

I feel like I'm never fully present at work, or at home. I never have time to fully devote myself to any one task. I am always doing a million things at once, which never works out well as I am not equipped for multi-tasking.

We never seem to go out anymore. We never seem to be able to get a sitter or we have other obligations. And yet I have friends who go with their spouses every Saturday night. I have friends who go away for 3, 4 and 5 days on vacation without their kids. I probably wouldn't even if I could, but it'd be nice to have the option.

We're trying to sell our 2 bedroom condo so we can have more space which will help me be more organized which might make me feel like my life is less out of control, but I dont even have time to get the apartment in shape to sell.

Seems like everyone is already settled, while we're still struggling. Every day seems like a struggle. Yes, I know. These are all little things. These are small problems. This is nothing compared to what some people endure. But it's my life, my reality. And I am, as always, drowining in the details of the day-to-day. Iknow I should be better than this. I know I should be able to do this. I know I should stop complaining. But I just can't seem to get it together. I can't stop feeling like I just can't do it anymore. I just want someone to swoop in and take care of it all, someone to help me, someone who wants to take care of me, someone who wants to make things better for me. And that aint gonna happen anytime soon.

So for now, I just keep hoping that someday soon it's gonna get easier. Though at the same time, I'm certain that someday I'll look back at this time in my life and say, "what the f*ck was I complaining about? Things were so much easier then."