oops50's Open Salon Blog

Oops50: Lisa Guest: The Case for Not Settling

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 10:08:04 -0400

Author, Lisa Guest

Lisa is a reluctant writer from Long Beach, California, and a dear friend from back in our D.C. Days. Her book, COURTING ME(N) is in its final stages of being edited and about to be sent to one agent, praying transition will be just as easy as when she only applied to UC Berkeley and got accepted there. This is a labor of love after living a life of devotion, not religious but in alignment with regaining women's mastery over themselves and their bodies. Her writing can be found at Huffington Post, Caring Bridge, Authentic Antenna and her own website.

Here's a little something from the end of her new book. It's a little longer than most of our posts, but well worth the read, especially if you've ever thought about settling.

Courting Me(n)

The Case for Not Settling

Last year a BFF (mother of three, PhD in Psychology) loaned me her cherished copy of Lori Gottlieb’s book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. This dear friend desperately wants to be married again. I took the book and resolved to read it, which was a complete struggle. Many times I wanted to throw it across the room.

Ms. Gottlieb said that a woman’s value goes down annually once she hits the age of thirty-five. Ms. Gottlieb, who wrote the book when she was forty-one, said dating life at forty-one is a horrendous, unfair, uphill battle and a woman should lower her standards and desires in order to marry because ten years later at fifty-one, her options would be even more minuscule. Marriage has never been my goal in this life so I don’t know why I let this author get under my skin. I was fifty-one when I read it.

The day I finally finished the last chapter and could close this book forever, five separate men were rotating around me, all wanting to meet me. Maybe none of these guys wanted to marry me, but that’s not the point and I didn’t care. Since I was in my teens, I’ve been of the belief that women as they age are ostracized and ignored, while in fact, they have wisdom and humor in spades that younger women do not have. I wrote a poem about my eighty-plus-year-old great grandmother when I was seventeen. I saw clearly how wise she was and how most everyone ignored her after she’d devoted decades of her life raising the next generations.

I am an old woman.

I have years that have

accumulated and made

me what I am today.

I am lonely.

I have a family deeply involved

in living their lives,

accumulating their years.

Where is the answer?

What I have

they are looking for.

And what I need,

they are throwing away

While searching for what I could

already tell them.

If only they gave me the chance

7/2/77

I know parts of me are drooping and sagging. Occasionally, wrinkles, lumps, and spots discourage me but usually my mind and heart are so deeply engaged in my life, that the physical is a side slice of comic relief. Yeah, this is what aging is, this is what worry does. Such is nature. At a certain time the flower begins to wilt, the paint begins to chip, and the food begins to decay. Certainly there are life-enhancing potential practices to at least look immortal, if one wishes. It is a human right to spend one’s time trying to stop or slow down the aging process. Individuals decide for themselves what their priorities are on the subject.

For this woman to write a book and tell all women that they will all experience this lack as they age is criminal in my mind. And yet, so many supported her book, saying that young women must be accurately warned. Not until recently were women accurately warned about the difficulties of giving birth and raising children! I agree honesty is important and I’m glad the truth about sex and reproduction is more available for the youth so they can make wise decisions that will affect the rest of their lives. If she can broadcast her personal discovery about aging and get a movie deal portraying this ancient point of view about the institution of marriage, I stand up and say, relish the wisdom of experience over spending one’s time criticizing the nature of the beast.

I don’t know what my options would be if I suddenly put on my profile that I wanted to be married. But since I don’t, I won’t. I don’t object to marriage, but as a free spirit, I don’t feel legal and financial incentives are enough to entice me to get married. I would like to meet many happily married couples. Seriously. I don’t know many. Perhaps if I did, I would feel differently about this subject. I believe most of the marriages that break up started for the wrong reason in the first place. I believe what Ms. Gottlieb is professing is another bad reason to choose an existence that might—if not for sure—irritate the hell out of them a few years or decades down the line. Especially when marriage doesn’t have the lasting power it had in previous decades, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Can one only have lasting dedication and lifetime commitment if a piece of paper is signed and filed at city hall? I think not.

I’ve recently had a number of really easy, incredibly relaxing, and thoroughly enjoyable dates. They were with articulate, accomplished men who wanted to find love. One was with a computer technician who’d finished his masters in Counseling. I had two dates with him; both were peaceful but not particularly fiery or enticing. Then I met a local but foreign-born airplane mechanic and spoke with someone who had been teaching for two decades; good men. Then I went out with two Indians, one was a premiere doctor my age and the other a young 21-year old economics student who has been successfully investing since he was seven. All four wrote to me and wanted to meet. None of the dates had lots of drama attached.

I’m definitely attracting a different type right now. We enjoyed our time together and I was lifted by each experience of meeting and conversing. None led to romance, even though two of the four inferred they were quite ready to get randy. I wasn’t afraid to ask questions over the phone first, and then in person, that helped me get a sense whether going further would be a repeat from the past or a new proposition altogether.

Thirteen Shades of Lisa

What amazed me was that having written this book, I feel many of the patterns, which I kept repeating over and over, were no longer guiding the moments when I was first meeting a man previously.

I didn’t worry about what I was wearing, or who would pay. I didn’t fret if I would be enough or if any specific situation would unfold I couldn’t handle. On Valentine’s Day I went out with a rude man, but let him know I didn't appreciate his behavior and I was done. What could have previously become a big heavy drama, was a tiny bleep on the screen.

Lori Gottlieb has a chapter that riffs on how much more expensive it is to be single. She says once married a woman doesn’t have to put as much into upkeep, which costs so much to stay on top of the latest fashion trends, including nail polish and lipstick colors (as if men care), to clear the runway and keep both heads of hair coiffed. The author says once married one can sit around on a Saturday night in sweat pants and eat take out. She tallies it all up and her results were shocking. But of course, in her mind, one must be married in order to keep those costs down. If she ever does get married I wonder if she’ll write the follow-up that says her husband left her because she no longer groomed her bush.

I believe her concept is antiquated and hostile to the women of today. I believe many women in today’s world recognize authenticity is a vital component in self-esteem, and aren’t as likely to buy her old-fashioned degrading doctrine, no matter how many corporate or religious identities back up her point of view.

Thirty-one million people are living alone in the United States. I’m pretty sure a large percentage of these people live alone by choice, not because they couldn’t find a partner. In today’s world there are so many options. If a human being is growing to one’s potential, there are times when solitude is necessary to hear one’s own choice. I truly believe many people are married, not because they are in love with their mates, but because they both abhorred the concept of being alone. So they were willing to tolerate each other as a couple. From womb to tomb we are alone. As tightly merged as you wish to be with another, time and circumstance will bring you apart like the sand and the sea. It’s not always high tide.

I’ve always believed, and time has proven my hypothesis correct, that at least for me, as I evolve I attract another with similar levels of consciousness. As I’ve become less self-destructive, more conscious of my own demons, as well as capable of moving forward with my own personal goals, I’ve met men who are thriving and happy in their own lives. If one settles with a man in order not to be alone, she is weighing down her potential with an anchor in one world, when in truth, over time, as she naturally evolves she’d probably like to explore a variety of different seaside vistas.

I am not saying commitment doesn’t have its own time and place. I’m merely saying to commit to another in order to be appropriate, acceptable, and approved of in the world’s eyes is never going to bring an individual their own true joy and inherited chance to express their uniqueness. I’m not saying my way is better than Gottlieb’s. I’m saying women need to recognize they have a choice and shouldn’t allow themselves to be duped into thinking they are running out of time because their beauty will fade and they will have little value as they age. Maybe if they are a model in Manhattan this is true. But for older women, the companionship they seek is sought as strongly by men who feel they’ve gone beyond their own expiration date.

We should see clearly what options are available, and accurately what choices bring what results. We should also remember that many people, not just introverts, enjoy their own company. Being alone is not something to be looked down upon. Choosing part-time solitude over full-time duality doesn’t make anyone wrong, doesn’t label them a misfit, and no one should be ostracized because they are developing their souls with incredible precision instead of taking the easy way out, as early as possible, and imprinting a pattern that’s externally acceptable but not always internally inspiring.

The Real Story

Oops50Jane asks: If You Could Change the World

Thu, 9 Aug 2012 08:08:22 -0400

I was thinking last night about how much I love to talk to women my age--or close to my age--because they have "been there, done that" and usually have something definite to say about it! I was also fretting about different things: my children, a sick friend, the state of things in our country, our planet--and thinking how much I would love to get a bunch of women together at a big table just to talk about things, tackle problems head-on. I'm thinking we could probably work out a lot of the world's problems if we gathered up the women in the world and gave them free rein!

When I got up this morning to do my blog post, I decided to ask our readers about their opinions on things. I would love to hear your thoughts, your ideas. I want to hear what you all think about the problems in the world--which got me to thinking: why not just ask you?

So, here goes: WHAT IS ONE PRACTICAL SOLUTION OR FAR-OUT IDEA YOU HAVE TO HELP OUR PLANET?

That's a pretty broad question, so you can narrow it down, if you would like: WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE DONE DIFFERENTLY TO MAKE THINGS START MOVING MORE QUICKLY TOWARD REAL IMPROVEMENT IN THE WORLD? And this can be something small and practical, such as my idea of making car ads illegal on television. Or, it can be something big and overarching--and it doesn't matter if there is no way in the world that anyone could ever really put it in place--such as my fantasy that one day, after the Internet finally makes us into one ginormous country, with no borders separating us, there will be one female leader who sits everyone down and says, "Okay, now it's time for World Peace. We've tried all those other ideas, and they obviously didn't work, so we're going to try this one--and that means there will absolutely be no more war, no more guns, no more weapons of any kind, especially not of mass destruction, and no more bickering! Eat your spinach!" And, when all the people gathered at the table bitch and moan and complain and say, "WHY?", the great mother-leader of us all will answer, calmly, "Because I said so!"

Well, I know that many of our readers--most of you--hate to write comments in public. (You send them to us by email; you tell them to us on Facebook.) But, please, humor me this once and add them below, so that I can see them all in one place (since I forget to check my email for days at a time!) and so that other people can see them and participate in the conversation. In case you don't know how to add a comment: click on COMMENTS at the end of this post and fill in the information. You don't even have to leave your real name, if you don't want to (you can make one up!), but you do have to enter a real email, or the site won't accept your comment. I promise you that no one will see your email--and no one will send you SPAM or JUNKMAIL as a result!

I hope a lot of you will participate! I would love to hear your thoughts! And, no , this isn't a blatant attempt to build up comments on our site--we've given up on that, since we realize that most of you are just not public commenters, and that's okay with us. We like you just the way you are! I'd just like to see what's in those minds out there of all you women over fifty who have lived long enough not to care about public opinion, or, as my grandfather used to say, to tell everyone else "to go down below."

Oops50: Watching the Olympics

Fri, 3 Aug 2012 14:08:28 -0400

I must be getting old.

Watching the Olympics last night, I found myself doing the following: worrying about all the potential injuries that those young, driven bodies could sustain (or already have sustained!); suffering through the gymnastic routines with the mothers in the stands (my favorite part of the games was watching Aly Raisman's parents move back and forth with her routine); feeling sorry for the beautiful Russian gymnast who lost to the American team because of a series of unfortunate events; and, finally, thinking that maybe it isn’t all that great for a young, 25-year-old athlete to win 19 medals—that maybe it would be better for Michael Phelps if he actually didn’t conquer that record--if he actually encountered something that he couldn’t do!

Michael Phelps

That wasn’t all I was thinking.

I admit I was also blown away by some of the amazing things the human body can do when it is trained and trained and trained into shape. And I found myself, like so many other people, wanting to go outside and do a cartwheel on the front lawn.

Weightlifter's Injury

But I also couldn’t help wondering--especially during the gymnastics and the weight lifting, where you see the athlete's muscles straining--how we will know when we have actually reached the limit of human potential—how we will know when to stop pushing for more world records, since that final push could be the one that kills a young athlete instead of just putting them out of commission for a while.

As I said, I must be getting old.

Finish Line

Co-Housing: The Future for Golden Baby Boomers!

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 12:09:03 -0400

Sue Counts

My friend, Percilla Sue Counts, retired three years ago as the Director of the North Carolina Cooperative Extension in Watauga County after more than 40 years in government. During her tenure, Sue initiated educational programs in the areas of sustainable tourism, sustainable energy, Hispanic outreach, and women in agriculture. Sue says, “At this point in my life, I’m seeking a better life for the Baby Boomers who are entering that stage of their lives known as ‘the senior years’.” So, when Dene Peterson, the founder of ElderSpirit Community came to Boone a few weeks ago to talk about her life’s work, Sue was there attending meetings about the possibility of creating such a community in Watauga County, NC. She graciously shares important information on “Retirement Housing.”

IT’S OFFICIAL! We are now in the “ERA OF THE GOLDEN BOOMERS!”. On January 1, 2011 the very first Baby Boomer turned 65, and 10,000 boomers will turn 65 every day for the next 19 years. This gigantic generation has transformed America as they have passed through every stage of life…..and housing for the elderly will not be any exception.

It's Official

Co-housing communities if you will! These communities bring together the value of private homes with the benefits of more sustainable living. That means common facilities and good connections with neighbors. All in all, they stand as innovative answers to today's environmental and social problems.

According to Charles Durrett, author of Senior Cohousing Handbook -- 2nd Edition, A Community Approach to Independent Living, “No matter how rich life is in youth and middle age, the elder years can bring on increasing isolation and loneliness as social connections lessen, especially if friends and family members move away. Senior co-housing fills a niche for this demographic -- the healthy, educated and proactive adults who want to live in a social and environmentally vibrant community. These seniors are already wanting to ward off the aging process, so they are unlikely to want to live in assisted housing. Senior co-housing revolves around custom-built neighborhoods organized by the seniors themselves in order to fit in with their real needs, wants, and aspirations for health, longevity and quality of life.”

Elderspirit Community

The ElderSpirit Community at Trailview in Abingdon, Virginia is the living example of a community of mutual support and late life spirituality. It is the first mixed-income, mixed ownership Elder Co-Housing Community in the United States and in this capacity it is making its way as it "walks the talk." The founder of ElderSpirit Community is Geraldine “Dene” Peterson, a “spry” woman in her 80’s who recently received the “Lifetime Achievement Award” at the 2011 National Cohousing Conference in Washington, DC.

Dene Peterson

At eighteen, Dene Peterson left her parents and ten siblings to join a convent. She ultimately chose to leave the religious order, but her spirituality remained deeply rooted. In 1995, at age 65, she created the ElderSpirit Community in Abingdon, Virginia. Inspired by a Danish model, Peterson wanted to form a co-housing retirement community that would allow friends to live together in a collaborative and supportive setting while also offering some of the autonomy of private dwellings. Peterson also envisioned an alternative to institutional long-term care, a place where community members would have the emotional support of their peers as well as the necessary medical assistance to live out their lives at home. Using a creative patchwork of funding from public and private resources, Peterson raised $3.5 million, and her vision materialized. Construction of the 29 residences, common community building, and a prayer room was completed in late spring of 2006 and houses both the moderate and low-income. The model has gained national attention, and an ElderSpirit outreach extension program in now helping to plan similar communities in Florida, North Carolina, Ohio, Kansas, and Virginia.

The ElderSpirit Community is dedicated to making possible new opportunities for Elders in the 21st Century. The ElderSpirit Community values are: To live in a community of diverse spiritual paths; To give and receive support in relationship with neighbors in community; To belong to a community who make the decisions on how they will live together; and To encourage each other to live simply and care for the earth.

Financial Social Work: Interview with Reeta Wolfsohn

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 13:09:52 -0400

Reeta Wolfsohn

Nationally known motivational speaker Reeta Wolfsohn, CMSW, is founder of the Financial Social Work discipline and a therapist, author and popular expert for magazines/websites, on money from a psycho-social perspective. Reeta’s work helps people take control of their money and lives.

The Center for Financial Social Work offers certification programs for social workers/non-social workers and a dynamic website with a Learning Center and forums that educate, motivate and support sustainable, long-term financial behavioral change. We recently interviewed Reeta about her work and her life:

1) Define financial social work, as you put it into practice.
Financial Social Work is designed to help people to begin the journey to sustainable, long-term financial behavioral change. It is an interactive, introspective approach which provides insight into how and why you are in your current financial circumstances and then connects you to where you want to be in the future. This process allows the creation and completion of a success plan and strategy which is the foundation for a better financial future.
2) Tell us a little bit about how you came to do the work you are doing.

I had my own special events company in NY for 18 years and then returned to graduate school to earn my master’s degree in social work. In graduate school, women’s issues was the topic of my master’s thesis and eventually led me to create the word “Femonomics” and the Femonomics Institute, in 1997. For me, the definition of the word “Femonomics” is “the gender of money” (based on the fact that women earn less, are traditionally charged more--for products and services--and because women live longer they make up 75% of the elderly living below the poverty line.) In 2003, the popularity of my work made it less gender-specific and much more geared to behavioral change, as it became obvious that: Until and Unless Behavior Changes – NOTHING Changes. That is when it became Financial Social Work and the Center for Financial Social Work. However, Femonomics holds a very special place in my heart and in my work.

3) What is the most gratifying part of your work?

The work I do fulfills me on every level. Having the opportunity to help people take control of their money and their lives and knowing how much that can improve every aspect of their future makes all of the time and work I put in worthwhile.

4) What is the greatest frustration?

In these very difficult economic times, there is an ever growing need for services but an ever diminishing availability. I am also frustrated at not being able to reach more people with the message that there is always HOPE; it is NEVER too late to improve your financial future.

5) How do you think this work has changed your own life?

My work is my passion and my mission in life. It doesn’t feel like work because it means so much to me. Except for spending time with my two-year-old twin grandchildren (Hannah & Robert), I am either writing, teaching, training, keynoting, etc., about the psychosocial aspects of money.

The Center has certified hundreds and hundreds of men and women across the US and in other countries to do Financial Social Work. Knowing that my work is helping our graduates to help their clients create personal awareness and growth as well as to increase their financial knowledge is an incredibly powerful feeling--which keeps me doing all I can to find new and better ways to help more people.

6) If you had to give women over 50 just 2 pieces of financial advice,
what would they be?

1. Make friends with your money and allow it to nurture you, rather than to control your happiness or sense of self.

2. Every small step you take in the direction of a better financial future moves you in the right direction, so allow your small steps to add up and to facilitate your journey to financial behavioral change.

Membership at http://www.financialsocialwork.com/ is FREE, and it delivers daily financial education, motivation and support e-mails to your inbox that can help you stay focused and enthusiastic about taking control of your money and your life. Like financialsocialwork on Facebook and follow Reeta on twitter@FinancialMSW.