Olga Little's Open Salon Blog

It's Mother's Day and I'm crying because I miss my dad.

Sun, 8 May 2011 23:05:50 -0400

My dad was the oldest of four children. When his parents had him, they were teenagers. I never met my grandmother (she died before I was born) but I've always had this disdain towards her. I know it may seem strange because I never met her, but I did. I believe it was because I blamed her for my dad's emotional issues.

I am not sure exactly when it started but I know it was when I discovered what happened when my dad was a child. After my dad was born, he went to live with his grandparents (his mother's parents). I am not sure of the arrangements but I do know she did not return to get him for some years. There has always been discrepancies about when she came and if she tried to get him one other time and her dad said no. I don't know, but what I do know is her absence had a huge bearing on my dad's life and his inability to relate to my mother and his daughters.

My dad was not that provider or protector that I believe a dad should be. I am not sure if it was because of his parents and the lack of nuturing they provided or what. I do know that his relationship with his siblings and dad was strained. When I went with him to bury his dad in December of 09, he did not want to stay at the family house with his siblings and my sisters and I got a hotel room.

My dad had a lot of emotional issues and he didn't know how to deal with them. I believe his mother's absence had a huge affect on his inability to communicate with us. My aunt tried to convince us that her mother loved my dad, but I am not convinced. I'm baffled as to how someone could love a child yet leave him with someone else to rear for at least 13 years. That's some kind of love.

My dad's inablity to communicate with his daughters had an affect on me and the men I selected. I found myself choosing to date men who were similar to him and sometimes that is scary. My dad had an excellent work ethic but he was not motivated to go higher. My mom had dreamed of opening her own home day care center but from my understanding my dad refused to take the physical.

It wasn't until after my daughter was born that my dad started to change. He would do things for my daughter that a dad should do for his daughter. I'm not sure if he finally realized what a daughter needs from her dad or if he did it because her dad is not active in her life. I guess it really doesn't matter at this point.

There is so much more I can say about my dad but that won't bring him back or change the fact that I really miss him.

Learning to Love

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 23:04:16 -0400

I grew up in a household where the words "I love you" were never spoken. If they were I don't remember hearing them. My parents felt like what they did for my sisters and I was enough to let us know they loved us. It wasn't until I had my daughter that she would prompt us to be more affectionate towards one another.

When my mother married my dad, by society standards she was considered an "old maid" because she was in her 30's. I'm not really sure how long my parents dated prior to getting married. I don't know what their courtship (if there was one) was really like. Based on what I witness with my parents leads me to believe there was little to nothing done. I don't know. Maybe it was different before we were born. I don't know because this is something they never shared with us and I am not sure if my mom would be willing to share now.

What I do know is both my parents were the black sheep of their families and maybe that is what drew them together. My dad was born out of wedlock to a young mother who left him with her parents and didn't return to get him until he was much older (I think 12 or 13). My mom was never accepted by her sisters (I'm not too sure about the brothers). They never included her in anything UNLESS it was beneficial to them. When my dad died, none of them came to sit with her. I mean the ONE time when she needed them the most they were no where to be found.

As a result of all of this pain and dysfunction in my family (immediate and extended), I never learned how to love. Sure I went to church and was told God is Love and all these things about love but I was never shown it. When my dad died, I had so many emotions going on and I didn't know what to do. I loved my dad but didn't realize how much I did until he was no longer here. I guess in his own way he loved us too!

I am now faced with this challenge of learning how to love. It is a scary thing because I don't know where to begin.

It's been a long time coming...

Fri, 8 Apr 2011 13:04:48 -0400

It has been a while since I've visited my friends here. According to my last post it was April of 2009. So much has happened in my life these past two years. I was in a car accident in October 2009, that left me with a back injury that is painful on some days and in December of 2010 my dad died. All has not been bad for me. I purchased a house in August of 2010.

These bumps in the road have taught me a few things about people and my life and I'm forever grateful for them. As a result of these events, I have decided to live my life to the fullest and make some changes. Some of these changes may cause people in my personal life to no longer be a part of it. I'm also going to make some changes in my professional life because I realize that life is too short for me to live with regrets.

I am excited about these changes and I believe the best is yet to come!!

I've seen those trees and it isn't producing good fruit!

Fri, 3 Apr 2009 12:04:29 -0400

Yesterday was report card pick-up. I got a chance to meet quite a few parents. Some of the parents that I would have like to have seen didn't show up (typical). After speaking to a few parents, I now understood why/how their child is the way that they are. The parents aren't producing good fruit. A lot of the students who failed was as a result of poor attendance. I have no control over that and the parent seemed baffled by this. Then the parents have the unmitigated gall to ask me what time does the class start. It shouldn't matter. If school begins at 8:00am, the child should be here ready to learn.

I think the best part of the night happened when a parent (who had to tell me she worked in Central Office) came to me and said "You gave my son an "F". I politely explained to her that there were 17 assignments and her son turned in 5. Now, she should know that she can look at his grades on line and so can he. The on-line grading program calculates the average based upon the grades entered. So this kid earned an "F" based on the assignments he submitted. Once she had all of this information, she changed her tune. She was now upset with the child and not me.

I probably will never understand how a parent and child can blame the teacher when they are only at school 6 hours out of the day. The other 18 hours they are with their friends and family. Their short comings are not as a result of the teacher, but as a result of the people they spend those 18 hours with.

The Catholic Funeral

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 09:03:37 -0400

Yesterday my cooperating teaching (when I student taught) buried her mother. As long as I've known this lady her mom was in a nursing home and had gotten worse over the years. Ms. Brown took care of her mom and made sure she maintained a certain quality of life while she was ill.

The 'celebration of life' was at a Catholic church and I am not Catholic, nonetheless I went to support this woman I've grown to admire and love. At one point during the service, communion was given and this lady(from the church) made the following announcement: "If you have been baptized Catholic, you can come up and take communion, if you have not been baptized Catholic, you can come up with your arms crossed and receive a blessing." (I thought this was a bit tacky and inappropriate. Maybe that is their procedure.) Now this is just added to my list of concerns I have with the Catholic church and Catholicism. Do they not consider themselves Christians? I don't think many of them do. If they are Christians, it shouldn't matter if a person was baptized Catholic, they should be able to partake in communion if they have confessed Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. Is that what Jesus would do?