Jeanine T. Abraham's Open Salon Blog

Love Saved Me from Getting Punched in the Face this Morning

Thu, 4 Apr 2013 22:04:18 -0400

When I feel weak, when I feel small, when I feel I can't go on... I take a breath and say... I am a Gladiator. I do it constantly at the gym, my body wants to give up when my mind knows I can run a little faster, lift a little higher, work those ropes a little stronger I think I am a Gladiator, and shit gets done.

I had an early morning meeting in Ft. Greene and decided to take the subway. On my way to the meeting I was reading the final pages of May Cause Miracles by Gabby Bernstein. She says that this 42 day Miracle Mindset process is a beginning. The process takes continued meditation moment by moment check in's and recognizing that every experience, every relationship, every day spent with other people is a lesson. I made it to my meeting, and afterwards I grabbed a sandwich for my lunch later and walked to the Clinton-Washington stop on the G train on my way to work. The air was clear the neighborhood beautiful, I put my sunglasses on felt the sun on my face and smiled. "It's a beautiful day to be alive!" I thought.

The G train took about 5 minutes to come, a little slow for 8:45am, so the platform had a fair amount of people waiting. The G train pulled up the doors open folks poured out and I stepped in the packed train behind a guy. I saw an opening where I could stand and hold a horizontal pole for support and intended to walk there when a young man, he was about 6ft 5 blocked my path lumbered over me and full out yelled in my face" YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! YOU BETTER BACK YOUR ASS UP OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP. STEPPIN ON MY FOOT. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THEY ABOUT TO GET FUCKED UP ON THIS TRAIN RIGHT NOW!!! As he was yelling I could just see his eyes, cold hard and dead, peering out from under a red baseball cap and leather hooded jacket that shielded him from the world. As he was yelling I said,"Whoa I diddn't step on your..." FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH I KNOW YOU WANNA GET FUCKED UP!!! I did not wanna get fucked up so I shut my mouth immediately and took two steps back. He kept ranting and looking down at his shoes.

The packed subway car was completely quiet other than the bite of this mans voice. With a subway car filled with people, I was totally alone. As the man continued his tirade one woman beside me said..."There's room over here" I took a breath and said ,"Thanks I'm okay here.

The train lurched forward as I grounded my feet to the floor and raised my hand to the ceiling to keep myself from bumping into the young man. At this point the young man had turned back to face the pole he was holding on to, occasionally looking down at his shoes and checking for marks while muttering angrily.

As I watched him, the anger welled up from my gut and burned into that place right behind my eyes and turned my brain molten red. "How dare he call me a bitch! Punch me in the fucking face... I will fuck him up. He doesn't know who he's messing with here." I wanted to kick him in the balls, to scratch his face I wanted to destroy him. Then I thought, I'm all alone there's no one here that would stand up for me. I'm just a woman, I have no physical power against this guy. I looked at him with full hatred in my eyes behind my sunglasses and then noticed his grey pocketed sweatpants. They were stylish yet slightly dirty. As if the pants were worn for many days without washing.

I noticed his red leather jacket was worn and slightly tattered yet his purple sneakers were bright, pristine. I took 3 long deep breaths as I grounded myself and a thought sprung up from in between my eyes...send love. Perhaps he's homeless and he's been ignored...send love. Perhaps you, look like someone who hurt him and he's lashing out at you...send love. You are a Gladiator... this is a lesson he is your teacher...send love.

So, I imagined a white lite surrounding the young man and I sent love. I closed my eyes and sent love as he muttered. The tension in the car was electric. As I sent love I saw this young man as me. I thought of the times I've raged out at stranger over a parking space, or yelled at a family member because I had no other way to express my anger and I sent love. I remembered how it feels to be misunderstood to be ignored taken for granted and disrespected and I sent love. I sent love.

I lowered my hand, took off my sunglasses and took a step forward. The woman next to me said," There's room here you can stand next to me..." I said "Thanks it's okay I gotta do this". I leaned forward and peeked up at the young man and said "Excuse me sir,"my heart was pounding like a base drum in my chest I could feel it pulsing in my ears but I took a breath and continued as he turned his scowling face towards me."Excuse me Sir, I apologize. I did not realize I hurt you, I'm so sorry. " Then I smiled. "I just starting my day and it hurts me that you were so mean to me just now." I looked up straight into his eyes sending love as I said it.

"Nah man you know, yea you know I don't know you know people don't understand they... they just be gettin on my shit I don't know...It's just ...

"Yea," I said "It's hard. Yea."

The subway stopped. The doors opened his posture changed and we moved past each other him out of the subway car with a rush of people getting off at the stop, me further into the nearly empty subway car.

The doors closed.

My adrenaline cooled down, I found a seat and collapsed. My fear jumped up and started tearing away at my brain..."I could have just died! What if he had a knife? I am so sick of this goddammed city may 17 years I've lived here and I get killed by some crazy kid over some sneakers? Why did no one help me? Where are the MEN!!! God they just all froze nobody had my back. I could have died!!! I could have died and I'm not done yet." With each thought I held back tears. I did not want to cry and the more I held back the more the tears welled in my eyes. I had this inner conversation on how I will never take the train again, beating myself up for not driving to my meeting and I thought how alone I am here how deeply and utterly vulnerable, weak and alone I was...when another man with glasses tapped me on the shoulder.

I looked up and he said," You are amazing. Seriously. I saw the whole thing and I was thinking, this is not going to end well. This is going to end badly, but you... you just ... you were so brave! I am in awe."

I blubbered incoherently as tears fell down my face.... He said," The way you handled that situation was so ... I saw him shift. I have two daughters, you are an inspiration, I'm going to tell them how you handled that so well. You are a role model," the doors opened "Thank you. " He said as he stepped off the train the doors closed.

Tears poured down my face. I switched to the F train got off at 18th ave transfered to the bus and made my way to my school. Walking in the sunshine cleared my head and I listened to Gabby's meditation on service on my iphone. I walked in through the front door greeted the security guard walked up two flights of stairs to the third floor where my office sits and a pair of second grade girls were on their way from the bathroom holding hands as they skipped towards me smiling. "Hi Miss Abraham! they chimed smiling front toothless smiles I waved Hi and smiled as they passed me. A moment later they called... "Miss Abraham... "I turned as they bum rushed me with hugs. "Have a good day!"

I've been doubting, so much. Today I accepted the situation and took action. You can too.

I am a Gladiator.

Ashe.

This week JourneyDance™ for life! we focus on Acceptance. Accept how you are feeling then take action. Simple..awesome.

I love my belly project Click here to donate

Love Saved Me from Getting Punched in the Face this Morning

Thu, 4 Apr 2013 22:04:09 -0400

"Nah man you know, yea you know I don't know you know people don't understand they... they just be gettin on my shit I don't know...It's just ...

"Yea," I said "It's hard. Yea."

The doors closed.

I've been doubting, so much. Today I accepted the situation and took action. You can too.

I am a Gladiator.

Ashe.

This week JourneyDance™ for life! we focus on Acceptance. Accept how you are feeling then take action. Simple..awesome.

I love my belly project Click here to donate

Rooting into your Resolutions...How you doing?

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 21:01:57 -0500

How are you doing with your resolutions?   I'm feeling supercharged and inspired with the lifestyle changes I've made the past few weeks.

It's stunning how, when we decide to change our lifestyles, our choices are immediately challenged.

I'm on Day 17 of the May Cause Miracles guidebook, by Gabrielle Bernstein, and boy am I super grateful for this process.

I've been grounding into my Root Chakra and it feels good.   Spending 10 days totally alone over the holidays was a valuable lesson for me. I had time to write. I worked out the curriculum for my JourneyDance™ workshops for the next 8 months and was able to do tons of writing, listening to music, working out, going to the steam room, and cooking for myself with love. I do love being with people and it's been so beautiful to reconnect to my love of my time alone with me. Taking the time on my own continued after the holidays as I began the 40 day May Cause Miracles practice.

When you are living solely the Root Chakra, you could become attached to: home, community, tribe, family, a way of being. You do not realize embrace your individuality, your uniqueness. You can become paralyzed by "the group".

You can be grounded in yourself and be connected to your individuality embracing community and recognizing that we are all one. May Cause Miracles offers daily meditation time. It's not crazy long, a short period in the morning and then longer period at night where you do some ~ing writing after meditation. (I refer to ~ing writing from Gabrielle Bernstein's book Add More ~ing to your life it's awesome grab it if you can )

Free writing after meditation taps you into your true inner voice and intutiton and powerful changes happen, answers come from this space.

One word came up for me in my ~ing writing during the Holidays....Boundaries.    I kept meditating to find clarity and the answer came, teach people how to treat you by setting clear boundaries. Okay sounds good! I expected easy peasy set boundaries with people, they would respect my boundaries and move on. But when you start setting boundaries, folks aren't used to, there is friction. When the friction occurs my first impulse is apologize, start talking and take it back...and then RUN away. Who wants to feel uncomfortable right?

But running away from the initial discomfort for someone else, ends up with me carrying the discomfort for both of us, which morphs into guilt, sadness, then anger. That unrecognized anger darkens my ego and all sorts of craziness can happen at that point!

BOUNDARIES

So, I've been setting boundaries and dealing with the consequences. It's an eye opening experience. I believe that so many of us don't want to hurt someone's feelings so we do not create clear boundaries with people then we live in guilt and resentment because our personal needs aren't met.

It's even with little subtle things, like friends will say," Do you wanna go out and see movie 123 at the theater xyz (which is convenient to them) " Then you would say "I'm not sure do you wanna see 567 at theater abc, that theater has great seats? " (which is convenient to me) Then, there's this dance, this negotiation. Both of you want to seem like you are looking out for the other person, instead of stating what you really want. Or, perhaps you are afraid to say what you really want. Perhaps it's too much for you make a decision on your own, and you want to passively let the other person give in so you can get what you want.

If the friend just said, hey, I wanna go see movie 123 at theater xyz cause it's near my house can you come out? Then if you just said "Nah I wanna see 567 at theater abc we can see a movie another time."   Or you could figure out a way to make it work through grounded open communication with clear boundaries.

But to remind you, just because you set the boundary, doesn't mean it's going to be easy dealing with the consequences. I've learned that the hard way. If you have people who are willing to work through the challenges...those are "your people". You want these people to be in your inner circle. If your friends can't handle your boundaries, and you've tried to make it work...let go.

BOUNDARIES IN BUSINESS

Living in this economy there are so many folks out there starting their own businesses, dance classes, coaching etc. It's great! It's also interesting how so many people are so dependent on others. They have to ask someone for advice, permission, or how do I do this, where can I find this? Now I'm not saying "Never ask for help!!", I'm challenging us to really look at why we are asking for help. Do we want quick and easy success story? Are we afraid to put our ideas out there....and fail?

I was listening to a show called Fresh Air today on NPR, they were interviewing Jimmy Kimmel, a late night wise ass host who's late night show has just been moved to a competitive 11:30pm time slot. There were a couple of things that really resonated with me during that interview.

1. Creative individuality Jimmy Kimmel said he and his writing staff were obsessive about NOT telling the same jokes as other hosts in Late Night TV. So the Kimmel staff keeps an eye out of what the "competition" was doing in order NOT to copy them. Being aware also keeps his show unique and fresh. It's great for the TV viewer...we can watch Letterman for that flavor, watch Colbert for his humor, and Kimmel for the silly pranks and running joke with Matt Damon.   Jimmy Kimmel is not emailing David Letterman or John Stewart asking how to write a monologue, do a "bit" or how to keep his ratings up in this new time slot or how to do his show, or what music his band should play... he is hooked in to his own creative individuality and creating his own show!

So often, because of fear, we feel like we have to ask someone else for advice on how to grow our business, or do our classes etc.   It's almost like we are afraid to go with our instincts and have a need to ask for permission to shine. At the end of the day, advice only goes so far, you gotta do your own research. If you really are at a loss and need guidance, invest in taking a class to gain more information, then take the leap. This leads to the next part of that interview

2. GRIT The next thing that resonated with that interview was that Kimmel said that ABC gave him a show before he was ready and he and his staff had no idea what they were doing. He was terrified every day, but he showed up and did the show. He actually wanted to be fired to stop the stress...but he did it. He had to. The audience was there and his team had to figure out how to put up a show 5 nights a week. So they did it. They made mistakes, sometimes they were not funny, but they learned and improved.   For whatever motivation they had to dig deep and connect to their own personal grit.

Grit is something I think has been lost in modern society.   So many people spend all of their time getting "educated" and when they finish they instantly expect someone to teach them how to be in the real working world. They have not developed "grit". Grit is learning how to go on when you are rejected. Grit is dealing with challenges that come up. Grit is figuring out how to make something work in the worst circumstances. Grit is making a mistake and learning from it. Grit is figuring out how to do a job that you have no idea how to do, but you are being paid, or the class is on...so you gotta pull that shit together and make it happen.

Now I'm not against giving advice, but at the end of the day, we all know what we really need to do in our lives. I've had to be very creative and innovative with my creative businesses. I've made tons of mistakes, and I wouldn't trade in any of my mistakes for the world. I've had a few trusted advisers, but mostly, I read and research, take risks, and I have learned to trust my creativity and just effen do it. I can connect to feeling all the fears around not knowing what to do. But I've found when I'm able to spend time rooted grounded in myself, quieting my mind in meditation my intuition knows exactly what I need to do. Spirit guides me and everything works as it should.

Cultivating a healthy Root Chakra that is flexible is key. Being grounded in community free to express our individuality realizing that we are "one people one planet" is a beautiful goal to work toward.
J9

Why not start working on that Root Chakra together? JourneyDance™ with Jeanine The Chakra Series at:

Shambhala Yoga & Dance

367 St. Marks Avenue, Brooklyn, New York 11238

let's JourneyDance our Root Chakra exploring grounded individuality, connected in community oneness.

My Christian Parents brought me up without Christmas...

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 20:12:19 -0500

This is not my favorite time of year. Bad things happen to me during the Holidays.

December 15, 2012, I attended the Memorial service for my Aunt. The week before, my Aunt passed away, she was suffering from ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). The disease effected her ability to speak, to move and eventually her vital organs were unable to support her. This year I aknowledge that I offically hate the Holidays.

I'm the youngest child, a late baby, an unexpected surprise. My oldest sibling is 10 years older than I and my extended family is huge. My Dad is the youngest son of 13 and my Mom the oldest daughter of 13. So many stories, so many lives and histories, dramas and triumphs that were never shared with me. The stories told at my Aunt's memorial made so many things that were cloudy clear in my mind. Seeing all of these family members who are strangers to me, holding on to untold stories of the past, made my parents decision to shield me from the family drama make total sense.

After the memorial service and,even during the service, certain members of my Dad's family acted like my Mom sister and I were invisible and would only connect with my Dad. It was not a good feeling. As I sat in this Methodist church looking up at some man preaching down at us from a pulpit it all became clear to me.

My Mom became a Jehovah's Witness when we were living in St. Thomas in 1973, I was 3 years old. It was Christmas time, and that was my last Christmas. My entire adult life, I've resented Mom for being in that religion. Every time someone teased me, ignored me, broke up with me, made fun of me because I was different... I resented my Mom. I turned myself into a victim, blaming everything that was wrong in my life on growing up in this strange religion that created it's own world it's own community claiming that they and only they were living in "The Truth".

I'm now 42, and being the younger side of this leg of the family, I'm experiencing the deaths of my elders. It started with my grandfather when I was 15 and every few years, we loose someone else. With each loss, I learn more stories of their lives revealing things I never knew, helping me to put together the "why's".

Seeing how certain members of my Dad's family treated my Mom during this recent memorial and a memorial for a different Aunt in the Virgin Islands earlier this year, and seeing my Mom's ability to hold her head high and still treat these people with love and respect made me aware of how kind, loving strong ,amazing and Christian, my Mother truly is. At this recent Memorial of my Aunt on Long Island, I could feel some of the reasons why my Mother chose to become a Jehovah's Witness. She found a community that accepted and loved her. She found a community that respected and cared for her unconditionally without judgment and who hold her in high esteem. She found a place where she is comfortable and loved. She found her tribe. I respect that.

As soon as I came of age, I knew that my Mom's tribe, the Jehovah's Witnesses, were (and are) not my tribe, not my community. But when I left, I did not know how hard it would be to find my own authentic community. During the past 3 weeks since my Aunt's passing I've been taking time to mourn and to reflect.

This time of the year is always difficult for me because I always wanted to have a "traditional Christmas" with a perfect relationship and a large group of friends...a community.... around me, inviting me to parties and gatherings filled with holiday cheer...and it never happens. I have 4 dramatic relationship breakups around Thanksgiving which leave me totally depressed on Christmas and New Year's. Now that I'm over 40 I worry that I will end up a childless old maid who never "made it" as an actor and has no friends or family who even care that she existed.

I never had "traditional Christmasses" and a part of me always thought I was missing out. So I searched out different communities, trying to connect. I went out, put on a happy face, cooked for people, acted in plays, danced like crazy but I never felt comfortable. I always felt like I did not belong, but I would push those feelings aside and still try. Always being the one trying to get people together to do things, attempting to create community , bring people together, and never being the person who people want to call to invite to the party.

I chose the photo above because it was a perfect example of how I would pretend to be happy. I'd go to all these crazy dress up parties pretending to be fabulous. Pretending to be happy.

During the holidays, it seems like people go to different extremes. Some go to every possible event drinking, taking drugs, having annomous sex, desparately looking for love, partying like there is no tomorrow and pretending they are happy. Others isolate, letting depression fester and take over. Some endure the pressures of family gatherings sucking it up because they only have to do it a couple times a year, and they use watching sports, bragging about their kids, shopping or drinking a lot of alchohol in order to get through the family times.

When my Aunt died I made a conscious decision to be present and mourn in my own way. When she was sick, I visited her my Uncle and my cousins when I could which turned out to be twice. I called whenever I could, and I told her that I loved her. Since her death 3 weeks ago, I have taken time to myself. I felt alone and sad and I prayed. I was present with all of the feelings and fears that come up for me around death. I faced the fear of my parents deaths someday, my fear of failing as an actor, my fear that I will never find a man who will love and understand me as is and want to be my husband, the fear that I won't have kids in time for my parents to know , and the fear that I will never have kids and I'll end up dying alone in poverty in a NYC studio apartment with no one discovering I'm dead for weeks.

Okay, I know I'm being melodramatic.. but I totally went there this past week!

I have been in my apartment on my own for the past 10 days on my own. I've got a bunch of people who are my "friends" but I can count the people on one hand who have called me during the past few weeks. The one constant person who has cared about me who has called me, has been my Mother.

My Mother who, members of my father's family, and even I, have scorned, talked about negatively, judged and looked down upon...has always loved and cared for me, my Dad and siblings unconditionally.

At my Aunt's memorial service one of the ministers said the familiar phrase, "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family." But I challenge that idea. My Dad picked my Mom as a friend, and they became ..family.

You CAN choose to accept your family. There are many people out there who know that I exist in this world but few who I can truly call friend and even fewer family.

When I am in pain and suffering, when I need financial help, or have been devastated emotionally by some relationship, my cousins, aunts and uncles are not there on the phone with me to comfort me. My cousins, aunts and uncles do not come to visit me, even though some of my relatives work blocks from my apartment. My cousins, aunts and uncles do not call me to wish me happy holidays or send me christmas cards.

But my parents are always there. Even though my Mom doesn't celebrate the holidays..my Mom embodies the spirit of the holiday season being kind to others and loving her children unconditionally, 365 days a year.

I did not advertise that I was in mourning. I did not call people and let them know, I just figured that the people who mattered, who truly care about me would check up on me...and they did. And of the friends who did call me, and I did tell what happened, there two who did not make excuses or ask me to take care of them in some way. The friends who did call and understand were friends I've had for over 20 years, one of who lives in a different state. These are friends who I know are holding space for me no matter how far we are from one another.

My one dear friend when she found out what I was going through was awesome. Someone stole her phone, so I was communicating with her via email. In her email she sent her condolances, acknowledged that the situation was tough, reached out for a time in a few weeks for us to connect and said this... Rember the only way is through! And she wished me a happy new year said it's gonna be a good one and sent me a hug.

That was the perfect thing I needed to hear, Remember the only way is through!

So, the New Year is almost here and I've learned so much from my process of mourning. People can only meet you from where they are and there are many levels of friendship. But the people who truly understnand us, our "people" are few and far between. And if you have a "person" , a friend who will walk through the fire with you and will understand, someone who will call you on your bullshit and be there even when you tell them to go away....you are truly blessed. And if you have parents like mine, who love you unconditionally and even if they don't understand you and are afraid you are ruining your life...can still do the best they can to relate to you, you have love and that is the spirit of Christmas.

Today, I went to Church

Sun, 23 Sep 2012 22:09:30 -0400

Religion. I gave it up when I left my childhood faith, being a Jehovah's Witness. I did not realize how much I was giving up when I left.

Leaving was a divorce of my core community and in a way my immediate family. I left when I was 19 and chose to worship at the Theater. The majesty and community of downtown NYC theater became my community and it was fleeting. When the show was over so was the community.

I did not recognize this until this past winter, but I've been missing the community of religion. Beliving in something other than yourself, connecting to others and being of service.

I grew up in Christianity. I judged my Mom for being a sheep. Thinking she was involved in and got us in some cult that denied me a "normal" life. I resented her for making me even more different than my peers, not only was I a dark child in a light world... I was even more different in this strange religion where our main tennant was going from door to door. Going door to door preaching to the neighbors trying them to "buy in" to our "truth".

But whenever I need my Mom and Dad...... they are there for me. Whenever I feel like I can't do it, that I'm alone or can't go on... the phone will ring and my Mom will be on the other end of the line checking in on me and just wanting to hear my voice because she misses me. This Jehovah's Witness has always been there to stand up for me and comfort me, believing in me and taking care of me just when I need the help, loving me unconditionally. That's true Christianity. Parents loving and caring for their children even when their beliefs are different.

I have chosen to live in a different world than my parents. Leaving that bubble of love that the Jehovah's Witnesses create in their community has been a 20 year journey of discovery bringing me back to me.

I tried everything from Buddhist philosophy to Burning Man and yes I can put on all those personalities but the heart never lies. When I was beaten down to my core this past winter the example of unconditional love shown to me by my parents and the teachings of A Course in Miracles brought me back. Knowing that I am not alone, that there is a force out there greater than me that loves and protects me. Knowing that I can choose the religion that resonates with me that it can be what I believe and I can honor what others believe is truly a comfort to me. And for me that path is Christianity. I can embrace it and embody it without having to preach or convert anyone.

Now for me, the Christian model isn't about heaven or hell or the trinity. It's about community and love. Yes I love god, yes I do belive his name is Jehovah and he's got a son named Jesus and that there are Angels out there to help me. Saying it and feeling it feels really good!

Today I went to Church! Park Slope United Methodist who's credo is this:

"Hand in Hand, we the people of Park Slope United Methodist Church - black and white, straight and gay, old and young, rich and poor - unite as a loving community in covenant with God and the Creation. Summoned by our faith in Jesus Christ, we commit ourselves to the humanization of urban life and to physical and spiritual growth."

-- The PSUMC Creed

For me, I feel religion when I dance when I cook and when I help others and myself. But it's lonely doing this on your own. When I walked into the church I felt really out of my comfort zone. I judged everyone there for being dressed so casually and I felt challenged by some aspects of their philosophy. I left took a walk around the block and came back.

There was a baptism going on. A lesbian couple with their son a beautiful clapping baby boy. The whole congregation embraced this new member and the couple shared how they had experienced so many challenges from their blood families dealing with their relationship and their decision to have a child. They expressed their gratitude to the congregation for accepting and loving them unconditionally.

When the minister gave his sermon he talked about loving those who are hard to love, loving your enemies those who don't agree with you. Just what I needed to hear. We said a prayer where everyone in the congregration could say the name of someone who needed healing and send them love. At the end of the service we all joined hands and made a big circle around the seats and all of the newcomers could say their names only if they felt compelled. And after service, we were invited to stay for food and fellowship.

I grew up with this, and have missed it. So I spoke to people, I ate a bagel and drank some juice. Smiled at some cute babies and shared with new friends.

Yes I'm a Christian embracing the love. I can question the theology and debate respectfully. But most of all, I can connect with like minded individuals connecting to a higher power coming from a place of love.

At the end of the day... Isn't that what this life is really all about?