Kressskin's Open Salon Blog

My So Called Presidency

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 09:01:31 -0500

Go now!

From President Barack Obama:

As many of you know I’ve spent much of my first year in office watching, and re-watching, episodes of My So Called Life on Hulu.

What a great show.

The difficult realities faced by 15-year old Angela Chase as she comes of age are just as true, and just as relevant today as they were in 1994. I didn’t watch this show when it originally aired, perhaps because it was too real for me back then. Maybe I wasn’t mature enough. Now that I’m president maybe I’m more ready for the lessons My So Called Life has to offer.

I see so much of myself, and my presidency in Angela and what she’s going through. Like Angela Chase, I too am conflicted about who I am at any given moment. I maybe president, but I’m also trying to find my place in world. Maybe I need to change the way I look - I could dye my hair Kool-Aid red. After this week something needs to change.

I guess what I’m saying is; what happened in Massachusetts hurt, you know? It hurt so much. I wish I could hug Angela’s mother, ably played by TV veteran, Bess Armstrong, and cry.

Like Angela narrates in the episode titled The Zit from season 1:

"The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don't measure up. And that, in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool.”

That’s how Martha Coakley made me feel on Tuesday night…

Only I don’t have Ricky or Rayanne or even straight-laced Sharon to comfort me, and make me see that this is not the end of the world. All I have is Rahm and he’s more like one of Jordan Catalano’s bonehead friends. In other words - no help at all.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that Martha Coakley is kind of like the zit Angela finds herself confronted with in that episode. This is what Angela has to say about that zit during one of her inner monologues:

"It had become the focus of everything. It was all I could feel, all I could think about. It blotted out the rest of my face, the rest of my life. Like the zit had become... the truth about me."

OMG it’s like she’s reading my brain.

I can’t be too mad a Martha - it’s not the zit’s fault that it ruins your life. It’s not like the zit has a brain or feelings and is intentionally trying to embarrass you in front of Jordan Catalano and the media. But sometimes… Whatever. I’m so over Martha Coakley.

Maybe the truth is that it’s not the zit’s problem, maybe it’s my problem. Maybe I should stop running the country like I’m a 15 year old girl who is more concerned about the way other people see me than I am in thinking about the future and what’s best for me, or the country, or something… whatever. You know?

Maybe I should at least stop watching 6 hours of My So Called Life a day when I should be Hillary-ing up and acting like I want to be here.

You know what’s weird? In 1994 Bill Clinton was two years into his presidency, and even though the sex scandals hadn’t ruined him yet, he still was looking pretty ineffectual, kind of like I’m looking right about now.

If Angela Chase were 15 in 1994, that means that she would be 31 right now. In those 31 years she would have a memory of just that one Democratic president before me, and if I turn out to be the same kind of place-holder, a man who accomplishes nothing more than a mild slowing of a further descent into socially and fiscally conservative policy, than it’s almost like, not even, a two party system. If you think about it… it’s really just like a Republican system that calls a time-out every now and then to catch its breath.

Woah, I just totally blew my own mind, and like totally depressed myself. I’m gonna go cheer myself up by watching the Christmas Episode with Juliana Hatfield. That episode is sooo sad but it makes me appreciate everything that I have. Like an 18 seat majority. Besides Juliana Hatfield makes Barack Obama happy even when he has a zit.

Or as Angela might say:

"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough."

Or:

"There's this dividing line between girls who have had sex, and girls who haven't. And all of a sudden you realize you're looking at each other across it."

I'm a toaster who wants to cross that line. Right again Angela. Right again.

Yankees Still Unconquerable As Angels Take Game 5 in ALCS

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:10:28 -0400

Joe Posnanski – Inside Baseball

The Yankees looked perfect again during last night's heart stopping loss to the LA (Anaheim?who fucking cares, right?) Angels behind another strong outing from AJ Burnett, the Bombers ace apparent after CC Sabathia.

Burnett gave up 4 runs in the first inning, showing just how hot he is right now. Not to be out done by another one of their pitchers, the boys from the Bronx proved they were the best team in baseball when they lit up the California night sky with a 6 run 7^th inning after Angels' manager Mike Sciosciasciosciaocioacioa took out the guy who was the starting pitcher for the Angels. I can't remember his name because I was too busy being dazzled by the Yankees brilliance, and the shocking array of talent they have from the top of their line up all the way down to the very bottom. For instance, the amazing Johnny Damon who has a million billion career hits and went an enviable 1 for 5 in last night's game.

And how can we forget about A-Rod, that god among men. A-Rod plays baseball like a man on fire, nothing intimidates him, except that thing he caught from Madonna, which actually makes him feel like he's a man on fire. A-Rod floats three inches off the ground wherever he goes, which is ironic since three inches is all he's been left with after habitually using steroids. He has totally demolished all the demons from his past playoffs, and his time as a Yankee in general, and his time as a cheater - last night's loss was the exclamation point on that demolition. For a man who was so rocked by the revelation that he was a cheater and used PEDs; for him to come back and have this kind of postseason is proof positive of the American dream. He's like a executive at AIG.

Tim McCarver doesn't need anyone to tell him how good these Yankees are:

“After that loss last night I said to myself - who's gonna beat these guys {the Yankees}? They are totally invincible. The Yankees are the single greatest team in the history of the world - and that includes Futbol teams as well. And I totally want A-Rod inside of me, but I'd settle for Melky Cabrera.”

After the game Joe Buck was surprisingly noncommittal about the dominance of the Yankees, he instead took the opportunity to plug stuff by saying:

“The only thing my father loved more than baseball and Budweiser was the new I-Pod Touch.”

Regardless of whether you want the top or bottom of the Yankees line up inside you, or whether your parents have a postmortem craving for the latest technological miracle both McCarver and Buck understand what all true baseball reporters and TV commentators understand; that the Yankees are a force of nature and it's time for them to start focusing on how they are going to celebrate their World Series Victory.

Oh and I guess the Angels did something and scored three runs against the 23 year old future Hall of Famer, Phil Hughes, in the bottom of the 7^th and then held on to make the series a three games to two routing by the Yankees. It's over. The Yankees win - even when they lose. If only the Angels would come to grips with that.

Conservative Like Me: The Rush Limbaugh Story

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:10:54 -0400

From Rush Limbaugh:

I have been denied my American Dream, not because of the money I've made, or the work ethic I've possessed, but because of who I am.

I ask you to imagine, just for a moment, an America where you are not allowed to buy a house in certain neighborhood, or refused service in a restaurant, or forced to stand instead of enjoying the seat you paid for on some sort of public transportation vehicle, be it train or trolley or other. You are not refused these things because you cannot pay for them, or you have not worked for your right to them, but because of prejudice.

I am a victim of prejudice, I am that man forced to stand on that imaginary public transportation vehicle, except my public transportation vehicle, is actually an NFL Football team that I was going to purchase with my buckets and buckets of blood money.

I have suffered the subtle discrimination of people's expectations of me. People say I cannot be trusted to own a football team responsibly because of my background and history. That's sort of like saying one of the premier quarterback's in the NFL is over-rated solely based on the color of his skin. It's simply about preconceived ideas and prejudice. It's despicable and un-American and I won't stand for it.

While it is obvious who is at the root of this institutionalized discrimination (the Liberals), my heart has been broken by the betrayal of my own people, the NFL Owners, and the conservative investment group that jettisoned me at the first sign of trouble.

For some time now it has been obvious that there has been a rift between the Rush Limbaugh's of the world and the David Frum's of this world. The House Conservatives like Frum hate the field conservatives like me because, frankly, we are “too real” for them.

However even in spite of lingering mistrust and petty jealousies, for not a single one of them to come to my defense is unconscionable. Has Jerry Jones forgotten where his roots are? Marge Schott is rolling in her cryogenic containment unit.

Until we end this conservative on conservative violence, until we stop trying to soft shoe our way into Mr. Clooney's heart, until we stand up to liberal oppression in all its forms, until we say, “enough is enough let Rush Limbaugh buy a football team”. Until that day we can never truly rise up as a people.

But I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day wealthy conservative NFL owners will not judge a man by the quality of his character and public image but by the size of his purse.

I have a dream that one day the children of the David Frums and Christopher Hitchenseses and moderate fiscal conservatives of this world, as represented by the NFL owners, will join hands with the children of the Glenn Becks and Michael Savages and the devoutly conservative fringe - and that those hand holding children will then surround the David Frum's, Christopher Hitchens, David Brooks, William Crystals, and NFL owners.

Yes brothers and sisters - the children will surround them and form an inescapable ring of angry ultra-conservative youth from which no moderate, base denying, pseudo-conservative can escape, no matter how wealthy he may be, and then those children will go all SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER on all their traitorous asses.

SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER is a Tennessee Williams play where a group of kids eat a guy (I think it turns out to be a gay thing but it's been a while since I read it). It's a literary reference that reflects the gravitas of this moment for me. I can reference Tennessee Williams if I so choose, I'm Rush Limbaugh and I can do whatever I want - except apparently buy a terrible terrible football team.

I may not get there with you, to see that vicious ultra-conservative-child-cannibal day of reckoning (because of my problems with drugs and Ding Dongs), but I can promise to spend the money to have my brain frozen like Marge Schott so that I will be able to appreciate its awesome brutality some day in the distant future after many of you who are too poor to freeze your favorite body part are long since dead.

My point is we will all get a chance to appreciate it in the future - just at different moments in the future.

And when this happens my thawed future brain will buy the St. Louis Rams. When we cannibalize the non-believers, when my brain and your decendants' bodies have purified every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of Rush's children will be able to join hands and sing the words I tell them to sing:

The Rams at last! The Rams at last! Thank God Almighty Rush Limbaugh's unfrozen brain has bought the Rams at last!

The Philadelphia Phillies May Have Killed My Neighbor

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:10:28 -0400

I'm not sure this is a funny ha ha post but if anyone in the Phillies organization reads this perhaps it will promote some awareness and encourage the team to win the rest of their games outright, from wire to wire, as they navigate the long and winding road to being repeat World Series Champions.

On the heels of a ridiculously intense game 3 which ended at 2:15 am on Sunday night, the Phillies knocked off the Colorado Rockies last night. Eliminating the Rockies was not only a nice piece of revenge for the Rockies sweep of the Phillies in the 2007 NLDS, but also ensured that I will not have to hear the term “Rocktober” for at least another 12 months. The win however, was not an easy one and it may have come at heavy price. Since the bottom of the 8^th inning was nearly coronary inducing for a relatively healthy man in his early thirties, I can only imagine what it must have been like for the scores of elderly Phillies faithful out there. I am convinced their ranks are a little thinner today and I have some evidence to support this idea.

The Rockies put up 3 runs in the 8^th behind hits from Jason “I Love Penis Shrinking Steroids” Giambi and Yorvit Torrealba making the score 4 – 2 Rockies, going into the 9^th . A game 5 in Philadelphia seemed certain and the pressure was unbearable. It became worse in the top of the 9^th as the Phillies, down to their last out, had a 3 run rally of their own making it 5 – 4 Phillies, in the bottom of the 9^th . I can only assume that decent Nursing Homes around the region had the sense to turn off the TV at some point recognizing that it is not only the lows that cause aneurisms and heart attacks but the highs as well, especially when they come so quickly on top of each other. There is a reason certain people aren't allowed on roller-coasters.

My wife may have left me at some point during those two frames – all I know is she yelled at me about something and then went somewhere and I have not seen her since. The car is also gone.

The bottom of the 9^th was no respite from the blood pounding through millions of cheez whiz/steak and roasted pork/sharp provolone clogged arteries as the Rockies nearly mounted another two out rally, only to be stopped by the much loved, but somewhat erratic or inconsistent (this season at least) Philadelphia closer Brad Lidge. He so crazy, but he's our crazy.

After the Phillies incredible win I went outside to calm my nerves with a refreshing cigarette bummed from my 60 year old neighbor who can always be found outside our twin smoking in his car. We recapped the game - he told me he had fallen asleep during the bottom of the 8^th - I took that to mean passed out – he had a zipper job last year during the Eagles post-season and the meds he's taking make him nod out from time to time. Luckily he regained consciousness in time to see Lidge's final out - he was very pleased, if a little confused. We smoked and talked as we do after most big games, and when I was done I thanked him for the cigarette, and went back inside to watch the post-game.

The last thing I heard him say as I walked in the house was “Let's go Phillies!”

Someone was setting off fire works in my neighborhood.

When I found him this morning he was still in his car with a cigarette butt sandwiched between his two yellow tipped fingers. He was breathing but his pulse was weak, and as hard as I was willing to shake a sixty year old man with terrible back problems and a bad ticker he was equally unwilling to wake up.

20 minutes later as the EMT's loaded him into the ambulance his sweatshirt fell open and his 2008 World Champions Philadelphia Phillies Shirt was visible for all the assembled neighbors to see.

At this writing his wife has informed me that he has been coming in and out of consciousness and the doctors are keeping him to figure out what exactly went wrong but that he is not in any immediate danger. His Phillies cap, a hat so old that some might call it vintage, is resting comfortably on the dashboard of his car, a car which I did not realize until today has a driver side door that won't close completely.

I have older neighbors who claim to be hanging on just to see an Eagles Super Bowl win. My neighborhood eats sleeps and apparently lives and dies by Philadelphia sports teams. In a city that needs every drop of enthusiasm and civic pride, in a neighborhood where people see the world by visiting Colorado or LA with their favorite team, here's hoping for another trip into late October, here's hoping for an extended visit to LA or a two leg escape to LA and New York, here's hoping for a monster parade, here's hoping my wife comes home.

LET'S GO PHILLIES.

Let's just try not kill my neighbor in the process.

LiLo's Nobel Week Disaster in Oslo

Fri, 9 Oct 2009 14:10:20 -0400

Fresh off her train wreck of a first show as Ungaro's Artistic Advisor during Paris Fashion Week, Lindsay Lohan has found herself at the center of another media storm. It was revealed today that she had secretly been installed as the Nobel Committee's Special Geo-Political Advisor over the summer, and was largely responsible for the bizarre selection of President Barack Obama as this year's Nobel Peace Prize recipient.

President of the prize committee Thorbjørn Jagland read a prepared statement to the press regarding the award and Ms. Lohan's role in the event.

“Look times is hard. Ya? Thorbjørn Jagland needs to eat and so does his babies. Ya? If the Nobels is to be relevant, if the Nobels is to survive, if global peace and cooperation is to be relevant, and have 'the hot' in this new millennium, then it needs to have the sexy. And who better to bring the sexy and 'the hot' than Lindsay Lohan? Let's face it, this award hasn't turned on the peoples since Lech Walesa and his magnificent mustache of mystery. I mean the Jimmy Carter, the Mohammad Yunus? Ya, there is the change I can believes in... the change in my pants, from the hard to the soft. I am confident that LiLo and President Barack Obama can get Thorbjørn Jagland and the peoples hard for peace and global cooperation again. And if you don't agree with her understanding of Geo-Political Hot Zones - like the one surrounding Barack Obama when he plays the basketballs, then I make a suggestion for you - follow the advice of next year's Nobel Laureate for Literature, Akinyele, and 'put them in your mouth, in your motherfucking mouth'. Thorbjørn Jagland out - and thanks for all the publicity bitches. Ya?”

A clearly distraught Ms. Lohan met with press from around the world this morning to defend her choice of President Obama. When asked by a reporter if she felt like she had overstepped her area of expertise by accepting a role as special Geo Political Advisor to the Nobel Committee, Ms. Lohan vehemently defended herself.

“Being asked to advise the Nobel Committee on global issues regarding peace, multi-national cooperation, arms reduction, and 'the hot'... it was like a fairytale. Who wouldn't say yes? And by the way, I am an expert on arms reduction - before my direct to DVD smash hit LABOR PAINS I had both my arms surgically reduced by 2 inches by Dr. Fredo Goldfarb of Hollywood California. Dr. Goldfarb is my doctor and spiritual advisor, and I have been to 20 of the planet's 45 countries including Hawaii and Turkmenistan (that was an accident but very informative), that's well over a third of planet's countries by my calculations. So in closing I think my credentials speak for themselves.”

When asked why she chose President Obama over some of the other nominees Ms. Lohan said the answer lay in why she was brought on board at the Nobel Committee in the first place.

“The Hot – pure and simple. For me it really came down to President Obama and Morgan Tvguide. Mr. Tvguide has done amazing things for the Africans. Having sickly blue collar aliens park their spaceship over your city is never easy, but his peaceful opposition leadership and alien resettlement program really made a difficult situation more entertaining and educational for the rest of us earthlings. And since the alien spaceship has gone and the aliens remaining here on earth have a new home - we are presumably coming to the end of this humanitarian crisis going on in Africa (which in the interest of full disclosure is one of the 15 countries I still have not yet been to). However I was disappointed when I got my bio folder on Mr. Tvguide from Thorbjørn. Have you seen Morgan Tvguide in real life? Two words. Total fatty.”

Ms. Lohan eneded her press conference by making a suggestion about how President Obama should accept his award.

"If he really wants to get into the spirit of why he was chosen by me and Thorbjørn, then he'll accept the award using an atuo-tune device."

For his part President Obama received the news of his award with all the grace and dignity of a man receiving a colonoscopy.

“Great, no this is just great. This is going to make everything much better. I'm really enjoying this.”

He then made a fist and hissed through clenched teeth, “Lilo!”