kmike2012's Open Salon Blog

Things that made me laugh. I am probably a terrible person.

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 21:03:12 -0400

· A discussion overheard at work:

He said he was raped.

Really? By a woman? He weighed 360 pounds back then.

Pretty hard to believe.

Where I come from it’s called adultery, dude.

· A waitress told me she could be a real bull in a china closet at times. That sounds so much more crowded than a shop. And dangerous.

· Someone said they disliked cats because they’re arrogant. What would you prefer? A bunch of cats with low self-esteem? Like the world needs a bunch of anorexic cats that make continually bad choices about who they sleep with.

· People said the Hunger Games was disturbing because it was racist. That’s what you took from a movie about a nationally televised event featuring teens that are selected at random to fight to the death? (Not that I read all three books in, like, a week or anything…)

· Another discussion overheard:

I’m pregnant.

Really? Do you know who the father is?

My own inner monologue: Is it me or is that a patently offensive question…

· Running a cockfight in Idaho where gambling is present is a felony. Running a cockfight in Idaho where there is no gambling is a misdemeanor. Because uncontroverted evidence establishes that gamecocks actually suffer less if there’s no money involved? This is part of the new “Animal Cruelty” law not an “Anti-Gambling” law. Those roosters need to start laying odds.

· Yet another discussion overheard:

She’s pretty cute.

She has decent hygiene. There’s a difference.

He has a point…

· Adults wearing Velcro shoes. The slip-on loafer is so much more aesthetically pleasing and you don’t even have to bend down to put them on. Consider making the transition.

· Someone telling me that snitches get stitches. Fine, fine. If you don’t want me to invite her to dinner, I won’t. No need to resort to violence, fellow middle-aged white woman.

· In homage to The Hangover I’ve been saying “Thanks a lot, Bin Laden,” in response to both good and bad news randomly throughout the day. Some people think I’m referring to 9/11. Others, to his death. Either way, because it’s a line from a movie they rarely ask me to clarify. Instead they just head for the office door and work that fake laugh like Superbowl tickets depend on it. It’s a good way to get some alone time.

Finger steaks and rape issues. Welcome to Idaho.

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 04:03:46 -0400

My brain itched. My skin was hot. I couldn't sleep. I had such bad reflux this morning on the way to work I thought I was having an allergic reaction. To coffee. Or was it vitamins?

After exchanging a number of text messages and phone calls with fellow symptom sufferers, I figured it out. No, it wasn't West Nile Virus, Swine Flu, or the Worst St. Paddy's Day Hangover Of All Time (that ended on Monday afternoon).

It was frustration, literally and physically.

I live in Idaho. That means I'm twenty minutes from the mountains (beautiful!), my neighborhood is awash Boise State Bronco flags (passionate!) and I enjoy tasty culinary treats you may not, like finger steaks. They're like chicken nuggets but made with steak. Simple. Delicious. I heard they were invented here but that may be a lie. If so I'm sticking with it. You'd claim them, too.

Living in Idaho means living in a State that is overwhelmingly conservative. In my particular neck of the woods "overwhelming" translates to 90% registered Republicans. The remaining 10% are probably Libertarians and superfreaks who purposely wear overalls and fail to acknowledge the sovereignty of the United States government.

Hell, there's a Senator here, Phil Hart, who proudly campaigns - and wins - on the platform that the government lacks the constitutional authority to impose taxes. He lobbies each year for Idaho to pass a bill that re-introduces gold as an accepted form of currency. He gets elected. Repeatedly. Even though he's bat-shit crazy at worst and an obstructionist, tax-evading crook at best. That's Idaho. We can wink-wink nudge-nudge the extremists because, really, they're like us. Just a little extra passionate.

There ARE pockets of liberals here which was evidenced by the fact that over 12,000 people turned out for President Obama's rally back in 2008. We liberals are a small but vibrant community that spends a significant amount of time slamming back drinks while bitching about the rise of charter schools, the slashing of teachers' pay and the fact we will never get a felony animal cruelty statute passed.

The reality is living in Idaho on a full-time basis is to a liberal what the George W. Bush Administration was to The Daily Show. The jokes write themselves. And, on most days, after we've mocked the fact that polygamy remains "a thing" that a few people do here, there's a strong sense of pragmatic resignation that permeates our conversations.

If you want to drink hard alcohol on a Sunday, don't live in Idaho. Or Canyon County, at least.

If you dislike hunting, don't live in Idaho.

If you think homosexuals should be afforded protection from discriminatory employment practices, don't live in Idaho.

Buyer beware. It applies to where we decide to plunk down roots, too, right? If you don't like the way we do things around here, live somewhere else.

On the one hand this stubborn, isolationist attitude is maddening. On the other, they sort of have a point, these redneck peers of mine: Seattle, Portland and the Mecca of Evil, San Francisco, aren't all that far away.

It is against this backdrop that Idaho's racially homogenous, overwhelmingly male, aggressively Republican legislature felt compelled to enter the national abortion debate. We libs watched with a weary eye and kept our fingers crossed that our semi-Libertarian governor would nix the thing if it passed and became law. After all, when it comes to fighting for our rights to hunt wolves from helicoptors and avoid health insurance, he has our back.

As our Senate debated the merits of a law that would require women seeking abortions to undergo these now infamous trans-vaginal ultrasounds, Sen. Chuck Winder (R) opened his mouth. And said this:

“Rape and incest was used as a reason to oppose this. I would hope that when a woman goes into a physician, with a rape issue, that that physician will indeed ask her about perhaps her marriage, was this pregnancy caused by normal relations in a marriage, or was it truly caused by a rape...I assume that’s part of the counseling that goes on.”

All Hell broke loose.

Winder called rape an "issue" as if being raped is akin to developing a rash. He stated that it was his hope that physicians spend time questioning patients about their sexual activities as opposed to providing treatment. He wondered aloud if rape victims are too stupid to understand the difference between becoming pregnant as the result of a violent, nonconsensual encounter and sex with a spouse, as if a common ploy of married women everywhere seeking to terminate unplanned/unwanted pregnancies is to cry rape.

Winder evidenced the fact the men penning these laws just. Don't. Get it.

Watch "Grey's Anatomy" with a medical professional or "CSI:Anywhere" with someone in law enforcement. They'll chuckle, shake their heads, maybe roll their eyes on occasion because these scripted shows, while entertaining on some level, don't reflect reality. At all.

The majority of women and the men who care about them felt that way when Winder's remarks went viral. Only this wasn't McDreamy and Meredith trying to figure out if removing someone's brain would cause brain damage. This was our actual Legislature, passing actual laws, based on concerns about "rape issues" and terminating marriage babies. The absurd was our reality.

The local, liberal response was surprising not because of its substance ("Winder is a dick") but its passion ("Winder is a MAJOR dick!!") Within hours the national media outlets had picked up on the story. The Associated Press, Huffington Post and MSNBC featured stories about the law and, more importantly, the bizarre rationale that was articulated in support of its passage.

Within 24 hours the local liberals, feeling empowered by the onslaught of national attention, got bolder. The handful of Democrats in the Idaho Legislature took to the airwaves. Petitions against the ultrasound abortion bill circulated online. Republican lawmakers' offices were flooded with phone calls.

Winder's comments were the talk of my peer group, family, workplace. People fell into two camps, and it wasn't Democrat and Republican. It was Outraged and Perplexed. Even conservatives were relatively stunned that Winder would speak so dismissively of violent crimes, and treat victims of the same as if they were either conniving wives out to terminate pregnancies or actual rape victims too stupid to figure out when they got pregnant.

And so it was announced late this afternoon that Idaho's trans-vaginal ultrasound bill was pulled from the House hearing today. Not because liberals won some rousing victory but because the moderate voice of the Republican party - in this case, presumably, Republican women - stepped forward and told their men to reign it in.

It's too soon to tell whether this bill will die on the House floor. One thing that is certain is that the Republican Legislature was stunned at the dissent and backlash it experienced from within its party, so it backed down, admitting that its actions were motivated by outrage from within the base.

I was proud of my Republican peeps today.

Yes, we Idaho liberals should be credited for blowing the whistle and bringing Winder's remarks to light. But the moderate, to-wit: sane members of the GOP should be credited for shutting this bill down.

That's not to say that pro-choice = sane and pro-life = insane. The abortion discussion is much more complex than that and many of the moderate Republicans who opposed this bill, whether it was on the Senate Floor, at the water cooler or through Facebook postings, are firmly pro-life. But they asked the basic question: if abortion is legal why humiliate those who choose to obtain them? Their elected peers failed to provide a compelling response. The moderate Republicans showed us that when pragmatic resignation becomes pragmatic indignation, our leaders turn into quivering jello molds. And that's democracy in some form, I suppose.

In Idaho liberals and (most) conservatives can agree that the Broncos rock, trans-vaginal ultrasounds suck, and finger steaks are the best drunken snack of all time. And for now, for today, that's enough consensus for me.

jlj

The Sermon on the Mount, GOP Style.

Mon, 5 Mar 2012 09:03:47 -0500

Jesus updates The Sermon on the Mount.

Since we all know Jesus is a Republican isn't it time for Him to update The Sermon on the Mount? I think so.

¹ When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. ² He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying, ³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

They should be distinguished from the poor in money, who choose to be poor. There are studies that prove it.

⁴ “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Unless they are homosexuals mourning the loss of partners, in which case they don’t deserve comfort, but rather, shunning.

⁵ “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.

[Insert Jesus belly laughing here.]

⁶ “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

So long as the definition of “righteousness” does not include equal pay for women and minorities. If so I may need to amend this statement.

⁷ “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

Mercy. It’s like compassion. I’m saying be nice to people. Muslims and illegals excluded, of course.

⁸ “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Since women on birth control are by definition impure, all I can say is, Heaven is quite a sausage fest.

⁹ “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

And wusses. Invade Iran! Invade Iran!

¹⁰ “Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Until that day, thank goodness the Constitution affords us the right to bear arms. Can I get an Amen, Peter?

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in Heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

If you like rifle and pistol clubs, hanging out with white people, enjoying tasty meals prepared by loving lady hands and not paying taxes to maintain streets of gold, you are gonna love Heaven!

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.

Yes, this should be interpreted to mean it’s time to unleash Hell on those Occupy Protesters.

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; ¹⁵ nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. ¹⁶ Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.

As you know, this statement reflects the cold, hard truth that America is the light of the world and, by definition, my favorite country. In fact the more I think about it I’m not sure why Pops bothered creating the rest of the world. You had me at hello, Disney World and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

¹⁷ “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. ¹⁸ For truly I say to you, until Heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. ¹⁹ Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of Heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of Heaven.

Clearly I’m not referencing the Federal Tax Code or any laws that provide sustenance to poor people, like welfare or universal health care. I totally came to abolish those.

²⁰ “For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of Heaven.

Just because I’m implying that power corrupts does NOT mean that modern day political leaders are soulless pieces of garbage who prey on the fears of the naïve electorate as a means of implementing lobbyist-fueled agendas that ultimately cater to big business and line said political leaders’ pockets in the process. So not saying that…

²¹ “You have heard thatthe ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall beliable to the court.’ ²² But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell. ²³ Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴ leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. ²⁵ Make friends quickly with your opponent at law while you are with him on the way, so that your opponent may not hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. ²⁶ Truly I say to you, you will not come out of there until you have paid up the last cent.

Do you ever read something you wrote back and college and just crack up at the idealism? Being angry is good for the soul. I know that now! Nod your heads, Glen Beck fans.

²⁷ “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY’; ²⁸ but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹ If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. ³⁰ If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for youto lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.

And now comes the uncomfortable part of the speech where I confront those of you who have viewed pornography for not tearing out your eyes….ha ha ha! Had you going there, didn’t I? Clearly I speak figuratively on occasion. Pray for forgiveness and exhale. Oh man. You should have seen the look on your face, Doubting Thomas.

³¹ “It was said, ‘WHOEVER SENDS HIS WIFE AWAY, LET HIM GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE’;³² but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Since the divorce rate in America is nearly 50% but over 90% of Americans claim to believe in Judeo-Christian principles you are absolutely allowed to disregard this passage or, at the very least, not worry too much about committing the sin of adultery. The reality is divorce is terribly sad. When two people who once vowed to spend life together cannot make it work the key to recovery is remembering that you are still loved by your eternal Father. He will walk beside you and help bring healing and peace during a heartbreaking chapter in your life. Why is homosexuality such a bigger sin than adultery, you ask? It just IS. Uh, I’m Jesus. You’re going to pick a fight with me on this one?

³³ “Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MAKE FALSE VOWS, BUT SHALL FULFILL YOUR VOWS TO THE LORD.’ ³⁴ But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by Heaven, for it is the throne of God, ³⁵ or by the earth, for it is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is THE CITY OF THE GREAT KING. ³⁶ Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. ³⁷ But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil.

I’d like to focus on the hair part of this passage. It’s my understanding that you actually CAN make one hair white and black or go with the Cruella Deville and sport a half-black/half-white look based on a little invention called: hair dye. You clever Americans never cease to amaze me. And I’m the Son of God!

³⁸ “You have heard that it was said, ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ ³⁹ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. ⁴⁰ If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. ⁴¹ Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. ⁴² Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

This is ridiculous. Consider it officially retracted. If someone slaps you, shoot him. If someone wants to take your shirt, shoot him. If someone tries to make you go anywhere you don’t want to go, shoot him. If anyone wants to borrow from you, better secure it with a promissory note. Oral contracts can be tough to enforce.

⁴³ “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ ⁴⁴ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ so that you may be sons of your Father who is in Heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.⁴⁶ For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? ⁴⁷ If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? ⁴⁸Therefore you are to be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect.

Do not interpret this to mean that you should bestow any sort of compassion or even a modicum of civility to anyone who disagrees with you about anything. Loving your enemies and being cruel to them are not mutually exclusive. If you disagree with, say, the political leanings of a liberal President, you should make jokes about him being a monkey, or coming from the ghetto, or having a dog for a father. These are perfectly appropriate expressions of opinion, especially because they have nothing to do with his dark skin. As long as we’re on the topic, I would have asked to see his birth certificate, too.