Kevin Broccoli's Open Salon Blog

The Facebook Fishbowl

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 13:03:30 -0400

Today I'm thrilled to see so many people with red Facebook pictures demonstrating their belief in marriage equality.

Seeing all that red would normally make me start to believe that this is an indication of a changing tide. In all actuality though, it might just mean that everyone I know is pretty awesome, but...let's face it, there are a lot of people I don't know.

Facebook sometimes creates the illusion of a trend or a paradigm shift that isn't really happening simply because it causes an entire group of people to believe that everybody they know reflects the thoughts and opinions of the overall public.

Okay, now I'm going to use a stupid example to prove this:

Everybody on my Facebook Newsfeed talks about the tv show Smash. As far as I can tell, most of the people I'm friends with watch it, and yet, it's season premiere got incredibly low ratings and it's continued to do poorly this entire season. Normally, this would surprise me, but if I break the numbers down, I start to become aware of the fact that most of the people I'm friends with fall into Smash's very small target audience. I had the same experience when the second season of The X-Factor premiered. My Newsfeed was clogged with statuses about Britney Spears being the new judge. And what was the country-wide result? Low ratings.

Luckily, these are pop culture examples, and marriage equality goes deeper than that. There are actual polls to back up the fact that the majority of people in this country want to see same-sex marriage happen. What worries me is that people might actually think of their Facebook world as being a microcosm of the real one. Seeing change on your Newsfeed doesn't equal change in the real world.

For that, you need to get offline and take real world action.

Just something to think about.

The People Who Ruin My Life on Facebook

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 12:03:41 -0400

This seems to happen to me all the time.

I post what I perceive to be an adorable little status that I'm super proud of--the same way a third grader might be proud when he makes his first q-tip snowscape.

The status either contains a witty observation or a note of gratitude or just a statement about something I'm doing.

And then who comes along to ruin it?

The People Who Ruin My Life on Facebook

They have to leave a comment that completely destroys the status you put up, and then you're faced with that awkward dilemma of deleting what they posted or leaving it up for the world to see.

"Hey everybody, look at my status and then look at this hideous barnacle that attached itself to my status!"

Here are a few examples of these jerks and what they do best:

1) The Debbie Downers

Status: Such a beautiful day out. Can't wait to hit the beach!

Comment: I wish I could go to the beach but it reminds me of when I was attacked by seagulls as a small child.

(Inevitably, somebody else comments by saying something like "I'm so sorry" or " :( " and then the whole thing turns into a German indie flick. Pretty soon you don't even feel like going to the beach anymore.)

2) The Broke Jokes

Status: Going to the movies tonight!

Comment: I wish I could go to the movies, but I'm broke. I don't even have money to put gas in my car to get to the movies. I'm also starving in a cold room right now.

(They're usually the same people who post their own status a day later about how much fun they had at the bar the night before when some poor schmuck got sick of seeing their comments and offered to buy them a drink. It's all part of their master plan, people.)

3) The People Who Think You're Always Talking to Them

Status: God, I can't stand people who don't know how to drive.

Comment: Um, I know how to drive. And I really don't like your tone.

(You have to wonder whether these people are egomaniacs or if they think their Newsfeed is really their inbox. Either way, it's obnoxious.)

4) The One-Uppers

Status: Had such a great time in New York today!

Comment: Aw, the bf and I were going to go to New York, but he surprised me with a trip to Italy instead! Maybe next time.

(In case you didn't see my eight statuses about my impromptu Italy trip, let me bring the mountain right to you, Mohammed. Ps. I'm better than you. Just so we're clear.)

5) The TMI Squad

Status: The new restaurant on Blue Street is great!

Comment: My grandmother actually worked the corner on Blue Street in the 80's.

(Most of the time, they seem to think their inappropriate personal information is actually a quirky anecdote just waiting to be told. You can almost hear them begging through the keyboard--Ask me about this, please! I promise it's really a funny story and not at all as horrifying as it sounds!)

6) The Dissenting Opinion

Status: I love the new Leonardo DiCaprio movie!

Comment: I don't like Leonardo DiCaprio. He can't act. All his movies are terrible.

(Hello Good Sir,

I'm just going to disagree with you completely, because your Facebook wall isn't actually a Facebook wall but a public forum where all may come to engage in discourse and chattery. You must hear my dissenting opinion and then counter it with something of your own. We shall do this for several hours and then when one of us is too tired to continue, long after everyone else has hit 'Unfollow,' one shall surrender with a smiley face and you'll think twice before posting anything resembling an opinion again.

Sincerely,

Dickhead McAsshole )

7. The Person Who's Been Living in a Cave for the Last Thousand Years

Status: The article in Rolling Stone about Megan Fox makes her sound so stupid.

Comment: Who's Megan Fox and what's Rolling Stone? Is that a magazine?

(You're probably going to get double-damned with this one, because you know the next comment is going to be--)

Comment: I hate Megan Fox! Why would you read about her? Don't you have anything better to do with your time?

(And then--)

Comment: Megan Fox killed my father. Thanks for reminding me. I wish I had money to go drinking so I forget all this pain...

8. The 'I'm Going to Make Everything Sexual' Idiot

Status: My pipes are frozen. Guess I can't take a shower.

Comment: You can come shower at my place ;)

(It's always the winkie face--always, always, always the winkie face. Part of me wonders why they don't just go all out. If you're going to be a perv, just fully embrace your perv-dom. Instead of hinting at how gross you are, just say--"Come to my place and I'll let you use my shower in exchange for sexual favors like a common whore. I think bartering hot water for oral is totally acceptable." Also, heaven forbid you remind this person that you're taken or that you're not interested in them. Because then the follow-up comment is--)

Comment: I was just kidding! Geez, didn't you see the winkie face?

(And so the winkie face is both insinuating and insuring at the same time. I could kill whoever thought up emoticons.)

9. The Elderly Excuse

Status: The Sound of Music is on!

Comment: I remember seeing that movie in the theaters! You're so young!

(Usually when anybody talks about how old they are on Facebook, it's because they want to protect themselves for when they do something stupid later on, like writing on your wall to ask you something instead of messaging you or committing one of the other previously listed grievances. That's when they trot out the tried-and-true "I'm old. I don't know how to use on Facebook. I hate it." --Which begs the question: Then why are you ON Facebook? It also makes me want to ask, "How is it your generation put a man on the moon, but differentiating between "Message" and "Write on Wall" is too mind-boggling for you to handle.)

10. The People Who Are Going to Win an Argument with You By Bringing Up Something Totally Different

Status: Can anyone explain to me why we don't have better environmental laws?

Comment: I don't know. Why don't you ask Charlie Sheen? He's a millionaire. Is that right? Damn liberals.

The problem with this, and any of these people really, is that engaging them in any way is like sticking your hand in a tiger's cage, and by that I mean, these people are so f**king crazy they'd probably eat your hand if you got too close to them.

From now on, I'm just going to start deleting comments at will.

I could just get rid of Facebook, but then look at all the stuff I'd be missing out on.

Sobriety Tests Can Be Fun!

Fri, 4 Jan 2013 14:01:20 -0500

I don't really drink, and by "don't really" I mean I never drink.

Ever.

And when you don't drink, people try pressuring you into drinking.

For years, I looked for that glowing moment when something would happen to show me that not drinking all these years has been a good decision.

On New Year's Eve, I had my moment.

I was on the highway at around 1am when the police car behind me turned its lights on, and pulled me over.

After realizing that I wasn't speeding, I felt a rush of exhilaration.

Could they be pulling me over because they suspect me of being...drunk?

I had just swerved, because I had to change songs on my iPhone--

(Don't judge. I'm offering full disclosure here.)

--maybe this was proof that had I been drinking earlier it would have been the wrong thing to do!

The state trooper was very polite, and right away, got to the good stuff:

Had I been drinking tonight?

Rather than just say, "No, I haven't been. I actually don't drink," I went to my tried-and-true way of getting out of a ticket.

Diabetes.

I say that my blood sugar is low.

You can mock me or act appalled that I would use a serious condition like diabetes to get out of a ticket, but the next time you get pulled over, and you don't want your insurance to go up, let's see how pious you are.

Nobody wants to give a ticket to somebody with diabetes.

It's a known fact.

If you say you have terminal cancer, nobody will believe you. Also, if you say you don't drink (even if you really don't) police usually won't believe you.

But for some reason they'll believe that you have diabetes, and they'll immediately send you on your way since they have no idea what having diabetes consists of, but they'll think that if they keep or worry you, you'll die immediately and it'll be on their head.

So without thinking I pulled out the diabetes line when I didn't even really need it.

The officer, probably figuring--Well, I already have him pulled over, I may as well go through the motions--still wanted to give me a sobriety test.

I was very excited.

How many times in life are you given a test you KNOW you're going to pass?

It would be like if somebody showed up at my workplace and gave me a pop quiz on Dolly Parton or the underrated performances of Angela Lansbury (of which there are many).

I was ready.

Then I thought about the kind of sobriety tests they could give me, and how I would do on each.

I can definitely count backwards from 100.
I can also recite the alphabet backwards (Thank you, Wee Sing.)
I can sort of walk a straight line but not when I'm nervous.
I can touch my nose with one finger but it usually makes me pee.

But I didn't get any of those tests.

He gave me the pen test.

He held a pen up above my head, and moved a pen back and forth in front of my eyes. I had to follow the pen without moving my head.

Guys, have you tried that?

It's really hard!

And I was sober!

Thank goodness, I wasn't drunk. I'd like to think I could convincingly act sober if I was drunk, but the truth is, I can barely pass sobriety tests sober, let alone drunk.

It didn't help that I was laughing the entire time.

The officer said to the other officer there--"He's got diabetes" and I think that's why they let me go.

So you see, diabetes saved me after all.

I bet that's something you don't hear every day.

Sobriety Tests Can Be Fun!

Thu, 3 Jan 2013 10:01:42 -0500

The Jekyll and Hyde Drinking Game

Thu, 3 Jan 2013 03:01:41 -0500

If you happen to see the production of Jekyll and Hyde that's currently playing at the Providence Performing Arts Center, you should consider playing the following drinking game. Most of these rules, however, should work with whichever of the eighteen versions of the show you may see.

Here's how it works:

- Every time someone tells Dr. Jekyll his plan to separate good from evil is "crazy" take a drink.

- Every time someone says he's playing a "dangerous game" take a drink. Take two drinks when the song "Dangerous Game" happens after they've already said "dangerous game" a thousand times (Plan on being very drunk by the end of the game. Also, plan on needing to be drunk.)

- Every time something Constantine Maroulis goes from sing-to-shriek to the point where the lyrics are completely unintelligible, take a drink.

- Every time Deborah Cox decides not to riff, and quietly breaks the heart of every gay man in the audience, take a drink.

- Every time the trained singer playing Emma shows up her semi-famous co-stars, take a drink.

- Every time they utilize the multiple LCD screens making you feel like you're either at a really bad Michael Bay movie or a really great ride at Six Flags, take a drink.

- Every time you grin maniacally just thinking about what either of the New York Times critics would say about this show, take a drink.

- Every time you have absolutely no idea where the action is supposed to be taking place, take a drink.

- Every time someone's accent is so bad, you actually gasp in shock that these people have Equity cards, take a drink.

- Every time someone's murder is so poorly staged, you feel like you're at a bad murder mystery dinner theater at a rural bed and breakfast in New Hampshire, take a drink.

- Every time someone wanders about the stage, seeming to have missed a blocking rehearsal and never having gotten caught up, take a drink.

- Every time Constantine "transforms" by removing his glasses, taking his hair out of a ponytail, and whipping it around like Tawny Kitaen in a bad 80's music video, take a drink.

- Every time you try to remember who beat Constantine on American Idol the year he lost and then wonder why they aren't starring in this tour, take a drink.

- An hour into the first act, when you still haven't gotten to the Hyde part of Jekyll and Hyde, take a drink.

- If you make it to Act Two, take a drink.

- If you question the future of theater, take a drink.

- If--when lead characters start dying (Oops, spoiler alert! Oops! Don't go see the show.) --you actually think, Fantastic, maybe this means the show is going to end soon, take a drink.

You may not enjoy the show more just by playing this game, but at least you won't be able to remember it, and trust me, that's as good as it gets.