Jacob Freeze's Open Salon Blog

Worm

Sun, 1 Apr 2012 23:04:58 -0400

u cAm outta ur hOl, u wurm!
nah-ow ahm gonna gitcha!
Cops call it a senseless attack.

Scalene poetess, are you wearing clean socks?
Her stepson cackles.

Yowl yowl yowl,
thou enuretic glue-pot!

I define thee with my one
wily neuron!

Now!

It’s too late to grow wings!
Grin and wring its no-neck!
Neighbor! Worm! Scalene poetess!

I define thee with my
one
wily
neuron.

Progressives for Mandatory Birth-Control and Procreation

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 10:03:33 -0400

If liberals and progressives have any kind of philosophy…

(And they don’t. It’s just a grab-bag of “Wouldn’t it be sorta nice if…”)

But if liberals and progressives had any kind of philosophy, it would probably resemble John Rawls’ Theory of Justice, with its famous maximin principle.

“The basic (socio-economic) structure is perfectly just when the prospects of the least fortunate are as great as they can be.”

Rawls derives this principle from a thought-experiment known as the veil of ignorance.

“Among the essential features of this situation is that no one knows his place in society, his class position or social status, nor does any one know his fortune in the distribution of natural assets and abilities, his intelligence, strength and the like.”

You might be born into the poorest class of society, so you want to make sure they aren’t totally miserable and have a fair chance at happiness.

So far so good, and most of the Pantheon of liberal/progressive philosophers including Locke, Kant, and Thomas Jefferson endorse a similar structure.

Minimize your chances of total misery!

Maximize your chances of happiness!

What could be more obvious?

And it’s just as obvious that you want to minimize your chances of being born poor and maximize your chances of being born rich.

So instead of urban yuppies and zillionaires with one or two children and migrant laborers with twelve little mouths that they can’t feed…

The poor get their tubes tied after one or two births, and 50,000 children are mandated for Warren Buffett and Bill Gates.

(They could still leave every one of them a legacy of $1 million apiece!)

Fill up that sperm bank, you billionaires! And make room in your mansions and wills for your many many children!

This immediately produces a much wider distribution of wealth, and that’s what Occupy Wall Street and all other movements for economic justice are all about!

Blind Willie McTell - "You Was Born to Die!"

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 16:03:34 -0400

"You made me love you
and you made me cry.
You should remember
that you was born to die."

Today the sweet-voiced 12-string blues guitarist and singer Blind Willie McTell may be mostly remembered from Bob Dylan's same-named song, which I didn't include here because all the online versions of it suck,including a 2009 tribute-to-my-former-self performance by that guy who used to be Bob Dylan.

"You got to warm it up to me,
You got to warm it up to me!
Papa run hot,
Mama got to get him cold."

"I want you struttin' on a Cadillac
Struttin' on a Ford
You do that stuttin'
on the runnin' board!"

But the virtual impossibility of hearing Bob Dylan in his prime singing "Blind Willie McTell" annoyed me, so I uploaded it myself and here it is.

Listen up, Buckwheat! It's the sound of genius!

"Seen the arrow on the doorpost
Saying, “This land is condemned
All the way from New Orleans
To Jerusalem”
I traveled through East Texas
Where many martyrs fell
And I know no one can sing the blues
Like Blind Willie McTell."

"Well, I heard that hoot owl singing
As they were taking down the tents
The stars above the barren trees
Were his only audience
Them charcoal gypsy maidens
Can strut their feathers well
But nobody can sing the blues
Like Blind Willie McTell."

"See them big plantations burning
Hear the cracking of the whips
Smell that sweet magnolia blooming
See the ghosts of slavery ships
I can hear them tribes a-moaning
Hear that undertaker’s bell
Nobody can sing the blues
Like Blind Willie McTell."

"There’s a woman by the river
With some fine young handsome man
He’s dressed up like a squire
Bootlegged whiskey in his hand
There’s a chain gang on the highway
I can hear them rebels yell
And I know no one can sing the blues
Like Blind Willie McTell."

"Well, God is in His heaven
And we all want what’s his
But power and greed and corruptible seed
Seem to be all that there is
I’m gazing out the window
Of the St. James Hotel
And I know no one can sing the blues
Like Blind Willie McTell."

Communiqué from the Age of Consumption

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 01:03:33 -0400

I killed the Grand Ump of Wal-Mart!
I killed him in a snowdrop!
I killed him with a radish and a roadshow!
I killed him with rosin and sonar!

I killed the Grand Ump of Wal-Mart!
I killed him with a handy pair of trawlers!
I killed him in his underpants!
I killed him on Shrove Tuesday and Michaelmas!

I killed the Grand Ump of Wal-mart!
I killed him with prawns and a rat-trap!
I killed him in Jerusalem and Petaluma!
I killed him at noon and dawn and all the nameless hours!

Jacob Freeze, Master Mis-o-dromist

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 18:03:09 -0400

Mastery of just about anything is hard to attain, and if you’re looking for easy ways to attain it, what could be more pitiful than inventing an art-form only for the purpose of proclaiming bogus “mastery” of some kind of tedious busy-work?

But what the heck!

Here come the mis-o-dromes!

And that’s all there is to it!