Coolhand Jones's Open Salon Blog

The 100 Greatest Music Artists of All Time!

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 11:09:35 -0400

VH-1 recently completed their second go-around on ranking the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time. The list is a subjective conglomeration of more than 60 artists’ opinions (both legendary and contemporary), who exactly are the greatest rock ‘n’ roll figures of all time. Like I said, this is the second time the cable network has done this list – the first was 12 years ago and the results are very different.

For instance, back in ’98 the top five looked like this: 1) The Beatles 2) The Rolling Stones 3) Bob Dylan 4) Led Zeppelin 5) Jimi Hendrix. A dozen years later, things in the top five shifted quite a bit and now look like this: 1) The Beatles 2) Michael Jackson 3) Led Zeppelin 4) The Rolling Stones 5) Bob Dylan. To me, Michael Jackson seems entirely too high (especially considering he rarely wrote his own music). Other shockers for me – Simon & Garfunkel were left off this list (confusing considering Simon’s easily one of the best songwriters rock music has ever known), and Sade actually made the list. If her influence is that drastic – I certainly must have missed it over the years. By my count, I have replaced 30 artists from the VH-1 list with new ones of my own, and then scrambled the original order all over the place.

Obviously, all of this can be easily and readily debated, but that didn’t stop me from creating my own list, nor should it stop you. A few notes on what’s to follow, I don’t get Michael Jackson’s influence to the degree others do and that’s reflected here. I also didn’t reward artists for more than one incantation of themselves, i.e. no Beatles and John Lennon. By that reasoning, Eric Clapton could pop up on this list in three different versions (Slowhand, Cream, Derek & The Dominoes) – to me, it’s still the same guy. I think you’ll see what I mean.

For those that are interested, the next ones in the pool would have been: The Allman Brothers and Smashing Pumpkins (and by the way, I could have easily done a top 200 list, but I’m trying to follow some semblance of the VH-1 rules here). I know no one’s list in the world will look like mine, but that’s what blogs are for anyway.

100) Cat Stevens

99) Supertramp

98) Bob Mould

97) The Pretenders

96) The Commodores

95) Stevie Ray Vaughn

94) Genesis

93) Sinead O’Connor

92) Oasis

91) ABBA

90) The Band

89) N.W.A.

88) Billy Idol

87) The Violent Femmes

86) Cheap Trick

85) The Ramones

84) Peter Gabriel

83) Billy Joel

82) Little Richard

81) Iggy and The Stooges

80) Van Morrison

79) Lynard Skynard

78) Jerry Lee Lewis

77) Rush

76) Bob Seger

75) Run D.M.C.

74) Blur

73) Janis Joplin

72) The Cure

71) John Cougar Mellencamp

70) Rage Against the Machine

69) REM

68) Elvis Costello

67) Pearl Jam

66) Beck

65) Depeche Mode

64) Green Day

63) Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

62) Public Enemy

61) The Red Hot Chili Peppers

60) INXS

59) Jane’s Addiction

58) Nine Inch Nails

57) The White Stripes

56) The Beastie Boys

55) Weezer

54) Sly and the Family Stone

53) Metallica

52) Aerosmith

51) Radiohead

50) Van Halen

49) The Sex Pistols

48) Blondie

47) Crosby, Stills, and Nash

46) Sam Cooke

45) The Grateful Dead

44) Joni Mitchell

43) Guns ‘N Roses

42) ELO

41) Talking Heads

40) Marvin Gaye

39) Chuck Berry

38) Ray Charles

36) Fleetwood Mac

36) Black Sabbath

35) Aretha Franklin

34) The Velvet Underground

33) Nirvana

32) Simon & Garfunkel

31) Elton John

30) Eric Clapton

29) Madonna

28) The Replacements

27) The Pixies

26) The Doors

25) AC/DC

24) The Police

23) James Brown

22) Otis Redding

21) Queen

20) Michael Jackson

19) Pink Floyd

18) Bob Marley

17) Neil Young

16) Stevie Wonder

15) David Bowie

14) The Beach Boys

13) U2

12) The Who

11) The Kinks

10) Bruce Springsteen

9) Prince

8) Jimi Hendrix

7) Elvis Presley

6) Led Zeppelin

5) The Clash

4) Johnny Cash

3) The Rolling Stones

2) The Beatles

1) Bob Dylan

As always – subscribe, comment, rate

10 Things I “Know” I Think

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 17:09:07 -0400

Editor’s Note: We here at Pop Kult Boom are all for giving fair credit where credit is due. Peter King (one of our favs) writes a weekly NFL column for Sports Illustrated. He concludes each column with “10 Things I Think I Think”. We here at PKB are just a little bit more sure of ourselves.

1. Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas released a new perfume this week. In honor of this “lofty” accomplishment (I can’t wait for her book to come out too!), I thought I would revisit a question that will surely echo through eternity. Is Fergie the hottest ugly chick ever, or the ugliest hot chick ever? Think about your response before you answer.

2. I rented “Prince of Persia” this week, I know – I know, a huge mistake on my part. What I found most interesting about the film was the marketing (yeah, if that’s not a ringing endorsement for how bad this flick is, I don’t know what is). Included with my coming attractions was a trailer for – wait for it…”The Prince of Persia”! Yeah, the arrogance baffled me too. If that wasn’t bad enough the tagline for the preview for the movie I was about to watch actually was: “If you own it, you never have to return it.” Apparently, Disney tried to milk every last cent out of this flop from anyone without a high school diploma or pulse in the world.

3. Now that most of the new series have bowed this week – I feel it’s time to weigh in. From a big picture point of view, I can’t really describe exactly how disappointed I am in this year’s new crop of shows. I can be a cynical guy, but not when it comes to TV. That’s why it disheartens me so much to find this year’s cupboard so bare. Of course, it’s still early on and I will give some of these shows another chance (if not 4 or 5), but to be fair, the pilot’s typically have the largest budget and most time to develop – if it sucks already, it probably will. Let’s get to the great first “Boardwalk Empire” is astounding, but with HBO and Scorsese – how could it not be? “The Event” was so tragically disappointing. I was really hoping to get into this one hardcore. The parallels to “Lost” are obvious, with that show after the pilot I asked, “I wonder what’s next?” With “The Event” I pondered, “Do I really have to watch to find out what this is about?” The new “Running Wilde” seems really creepy to me. Again, high hopes with this one. Without a morally centered character, this one falls flat. “Undercovers”, and “Hawaii 5-0” seem to have something missing, maybe they’ll figure it out. “Better with You” has the charming Joanna Garcia, but most of the rest of the cast seems like a JV team. “Outsourced” is terrible. Really, really bad. I don’t see how Zucker (more on him next) approved this. Who wants to see a sit-com about Indian characters taking over American jobs? (The irony being, in this case it’s really American actors’ jobs.) Epic fail. There were two pilots that did show promise, “Terriers” on F/X is a down and dirty, character-driven p.i. story in the vein of Rockford, and I’ve kinda dug what I’ve seen. The other one that looks like it might be a little bit different was “Lone Star” on Fox. It’s a con man with a conscience story, the question I do have is how they can sustain the plates spinning in the air. With this much quality, of course no one in America actually watched the show and it’s already in jeopardy of being canceled. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

4. It was announced today that Jeff Zucker, the head louse in charge of programming and destroying a network (NBC) will be leaving the company after Comcast buys out NBC-Universal. Check out the details regarding this bozo HERE. Calling him a no-talent hack is an insult to no-talent hacks. Good riddance. Maybe now my favorite network can recover and fly high once more. It’s too bad Conan had to pay the price for this one though.

5. I watched a bit of a Richard Pryor documentary last night, and it reminded me of one of my favorite behind-the-scenes Hollywood stories of all time. Pryor co-wrote “Blazing Saddles” with Mel Brooks, and was supposed to star as the black sheriff – but the studio got frightened off at the last minute. In an odd twist, the studio conceded their mistake after the success of Saddles and offered the Gregory Hines’ role in “History of the World” to Pryor – but weeks before Pryor nearly killed himself in a suicide attempt freebasing cocaine. This was Hines’ first role and it made him a star. Anyway, the story goes like this. Several scenes in the movie were cut or shortened because they were too racy, and as you know, Saddles is already a pretty risqué flick. If you remember the delightful scene where Madeline Kahn turns off the lights in her dressing room and asks the black sheriff if it’s true what they say about black men. Then after a few moments, she screams “It’s true! it’s true!” (I won’t attempt her hilarious accent here). The scene ends there, but the filming didn’t. The next line that Pryor wrote was, “Baby, that’s my arm.” If you don’t think that’s funny, I don’t want to know you.

6. The “Breakfast Club” celebrated its 25^th anniversary this week. What a seminal movie in my early days. Perhaps the best portrait of American teenagers ever. To me it was groundbreaking and accurate, which is pretty hard to achieve. I still think it holds up pretty well too. My idea has always been to translate it into a stage play – think about how gripping that still could be. Ultimately, I’m sure that will happen – but the fucking thing will be turned into a musical.

7. I just came back from “Wall Street: Money Has Sleep Apnea” – no, it’s actually subtitled “Money Never Sleeps” (but isn’t that the dumbest subtitle ever? It seriously contends with Electric Boogaloo and Tokyo Drift). Anyway, all the ingredients are there and I’m not sure why, but the soufflé never quite rises. There are outstanding performances by Shia Labeouf and Carrie Mulligan, Michael Douglas is good but a shell of the man that was Gordon Gekko. Josh Brolin’ star continues to rise and there’s even a cameo by the first innocent lamb Charlie Sheen. However, it’s never more than the sum of its parts. The first “Wall Street” anticipated the events circulating its time, and in so doing, became one of the movies that defined the decade of the ‘80s. This film, reacts to the events of its times – and unfortunately seems dated before the premiere even opened. There are subplots that should have been developed more or shelved altogether. There is a musical track by Brain Eno and David Byrne. Now I get the nod, Byrne is a New York voice who soundtracked the early days of “Wall Street” in the form of the Talking Heads, but now, he just seems like a guy past his prime aimlessly looking for a place to fit in. I don’t think Oliver Stone would have been that meta with his pop culture nods, instead it just falls flat. And there is a third act correction of conscience that seems like the biggest swerve since Tom Cruise’s kid lived in “War of the Worlds”. I loved the first “Wall Street” – I love Oliver Stone. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve been awfully disappointed with my sugar pop culture this week.

8. Did you guys know that Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley, and Jenny & Johnny fame used to be a child actor? She even appeared in such notable films as “Camp Beverly Hills” and “The Wizard” with Fred Savage. I bet she regrets at least a few of those choices now that’s she’s little miss indie music queen.

9. A buddy of mine who’s pretty down with the pop culture phenomenon stuff didn’t know about the Tom Cruise – “Entertainment Tonight” lowdown. Then it occurred to me that maybe this wasn’t such a familiar notion after all. It’s fairly simple, you can’t quite call it nepotism or insider trading, but it was at least fairly unethical to say the least. Back in the day, when there was no internet, TMZ, E! Channel, dozens of other entertainment shows, and “Us” magazine was a shell of its current self, “ET” ruled the airwaves and pretty much had a monopoly on national entertainment stories. Yes, Mary Hart was still there – and believe me, she had a much higher Q-rating then. Anyway, Paramount Pictures (which would be owned by Viacom and then blah, blah, blah) ran “ET” from their studio lot. This was right about the time they signed a young actor to a mega deal after the success of “Risky Business” and before “Top Gun”. Well, after that a certain actor came on the air more than Ronald Reagan. They built him, then after he jumped on a sofa, they fired him. It was a great run for both of them (Paramount and Cruise) and both of them got very rich because of it. The timing was perfect, but believe me, it was also perfectly constructed. It also will never happen again. The media is too fragmented now. But nobody got more out of the Actor Age of Hollywood than that crazy Scientologist.

10. Mad Men Update: I’m not one of those guys who doesn’t like to say “I told you so” when they’re right. So, “I told you so.” You read it here first that Don Draper would be challenged and eventually evolve because of the actions of his daughter. I still think an even larger payoff will emerge before the end of the season. But what a tragic pair of parents the Drapers turned out to be. Those will be some fucked up kids to be sure. In other news, goodbye Mrs. Blankenship – we hardly knew ye! I’m glad the show played this for laughs with a tinge of tragedy, that’s exactly what that character elicited. Stemming from this Joan was already shaken to say the least, after the mugging with Roger, their fling in the alley had to happen. For the fans, and for the characters, I think this on-going tale has been a bigger spine to the show than we originally first realized. I am loving this season, but I still feel like something drastic has to happen in order for the show to live up to its previous incantations. Most notably, I think Mr. Cooper needs to go to the big ad agency in the sky. It would drastically change the professional relationship of Sterling and Draper – and Pryce to for that matter. None of which is a bad thing. For a show that loves to reinvent itself, I’m convinced something of this nature has to happen. And believe me, I’m the first one who’ll tell you I told you so if it does…

As always – subscribe, comment, rate

Band Names #13

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 17:09:27 -0400

By Coolhand Jones

Editor’s Note: With our sincere apologies to Dave Barry who runs his on-going list in his own column, we truly thought this was our original idea. That being said, it’s too good not to inadvertently steal.

· Pop Tards

· Celebrity Nose Jobs

· The Great Collision

· Badger in the Chow Line

· Helen Highwater

As always – subscribe, comment, rate

The Best Sports Names of All Time

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 10:09:54 -0400

Editor’s Note: At the start of this grand experiment called my blog, I promised you excerpts from my new novel “Hot Wings & Rug Burns”. After dealing with limitations (read: formatting restrictions), I figured out how much of a pain releasing full chapters would be. But fear not, my novel is riddled with lists (and hopefully funny ones). I thought I would start sharing those with you at the very least. Just keep in mind, these things were written in character!

I thought you might be interested in another list. Here are the top athlete names of all time regardless of the sport or their rate of success. The only rules: you have to be American (since some foreign names just sound funny simply because they’re foreign). And you can’t change your name, therefore World B. Free was eliminated from the competition.

9) Rollie Fingers – Major League pitcher. This was a close call between him and another major leaguer Coco Crisp. I give Rawley the edge because of his handlebar mustache. Handlebar mustaches always win as far as I’m concerned.

8) Razor Shines – Played for the Montreal Expos. I don’t know anything else about him besides he has one of the sweetest names ever.

7) Jarvis Redwine – Ex-Vikings running back. A name so cool, I borrowed half of it for a character in one of my stories.

6) Mookie Blaylock – NBA point guard. And the original name for the band Pearl Jam. That’s good enough for me.

5) Buster Rhymes – Another ex-Viking. A kickoff return specialist for them, and the inspiration for rapper Busta Rhymes’ name. The original Buster was quoted after he was drafted, “Minnesota, Ohio – I hear it’s a great place to play.” My high school football coach, and history teacher gave us an annual geography test in honor of Buster, so we would never say something to embarrass him if we ever got drafted.

4) Oil Can Boyd – Red Sox pitcher. Quite good too, but was involved in the tragic ’86 season. Not his fault, but he was there.

3) Baskerville Holmes – Memphis basketball player. Came from a family of twenty-three kids. You have to respect the parents for being so clever. His story turns tragic, so I’ll try to keep it light.

2) Sonny Sixkiller – Quarterback for the University of Washington. Played some in the CFL and World Football League, but never really caught on in the NFL. Also had a pretty good role in the Butch Reynolds masterpiece “The Longest Yard”.

1) Xrey Hipp – Maryland college basketball player. The name speaks for itself.

As always – subscribe, comment, rate

My Favorite Ladies in History

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 15:09:01 -0400

If I had a time machine and selected my choice of any woman in time, this is what that list would look like. However, there are two limitations. They have to be famous in order for you to play along. I mean, I can describe the women I know all I want, but you don’t really know them, so that would be the opposite of fun. And second, early, childhood crushes can’t be ignored. In no particular order:

1) The girl from “Escape from Witch Mountain”, and “Live with Larry” (also, “Meatballs II” sadly). She was so damned cute.

2) Helen of Troy. Her face launched a thousand ships for God’s sake. Worth a look at the very least.

3) Lynda Carter. That rack and the bondage possibilities are too much to ignore.

4) Leather Tuscadero. The first bad girl I was exposed to – a.k.a. Suzi Quattro.

5) Grace Kelly/Rita Hayworth. Achingly beautiful, before I even knew the definition.

6) Dana Plato. The actual bad girl. Plus, she frequently wore private school uniforms.

7) Phoebe Cates. Wet. Red. Bikini. The Cars’ soundtrack. Need I saw more? Just a bit, when I worked in a video store this was the tape that was most frequently returned damaged. Apparently, there were many like minds out there that would pause that particular scene in “Fast Times at Ridgemount High”. Paused too often and the tape will expand and then snap. Pheebs quite possibly is the most-masturbated-to-woman-that-isn’t-a-porn-star of all time.

8) Daphne from “Scooby-Doo”. Like you wouldn’t nail her if you were a cartoon.

9) Olivia Newton-John only in leather from “Grease”. Again, I likes me some bad girls. And I aged a solid two years when she said, “Tell me about it, stud.”

10) Norma Jean Baker. Before the surgery and the name change. Lovely to say the least.

11) Bo Derek. I know, I should have placed her at 10.

12) Cleopatra. History’s biggest whore. All I need to know. Word is – she also took it in the asp.

13) Spinderella. Probably could spin me like a record, too.

14) Susanna Hoffs from The Bangles. All slutted up in the “Walk Like an Egyptian” video, you already know my fondness for Cleopatra. She was also the first woman I ever masturbated to. For that alone, she’s in.

15) Cheryl Ladd. One of “Charlie’s Angels”, and she played Grace Kelly in a movie. No one else can say that.

As always – subscribe, comment, rate