Yes, let us whack that Open Saloon spam with some pure, sheer, romping and celebratory PORN!

Here is my entry:

She cursed the skies when her dishwasher failed to operate, even though she followed the manufacturer's guidelines to the letter. Her dismay over not being able to wash her pots, pans and pessarys was about to sink her into a deep, juicy, delicious funk.

Her husband, a travelling bible salesman, was out of town and she did not know where to look for help.  After eight minutes of "special meditation and self inspiration" she went to  internet to find a local repairman for her balky dishwasher.

She found a service that promised honest work, a warranty and a guarantee of complete satisfaction.  It was called "George's Good Handyman Service".

George's motto appealed to her immediately.  It was:

"George will come and satisfy you! We Guarantee It!" 

She sprinted for the phone and dialed. She was breathless with anticipation. The phone was answered by a honey voiced woman who made her wonder if she was developing lesbian tendencies.

 "Now now," she thought to herself "Get your head together.  This is serious business. You have to get that dishwasher working, so stop having fantasies!"

She ordered up a visit from George and went to take a cold shower while she waited.

An hour later, the doorbell rang.  She peeked through the front door window and, behold! A tall, buff man was standing at her door! His broad shoulders and narrow hips indicated that he was a hard working man who never overindulged in fatty pork dishes or ate too many beans.

His tool belt held an impressive package...of tools...all kinds of interesting tools. 

She opened the door with a smile. "Do come in, George! I am so lost without my dishwasher! I am so glad that you will be able to help me."

"Oh yes, I will help you ma'am. Let me see what is wrong.  Guide me in! ...errp...to your kitchen if you will."

She opened her front door as wide as she could and guided him in...to her kitchen...and showed him the problem. "You see?" she said while she slowly slid the top drawer in and out, in and out, again and again.

"Something is blocking the drawer and I can't see what that is!"

George slid past her, accidentally brushing his hips against hers and letting her know that his plumbing snake was standing at attention and ready to root out her issues. 

She almost passed out as he  slowly pushed his large right hand deep into the dishwasher and slowly began to slide the drawer, in and out, in and out, again and again.  He said "I see what the problem is ma'am. I will have this fixed right away!"

"I love a man with a slow hand!" she whispered in awe. 

George proceeded to work up a sweat. He groaned and grunted as he slid  the drawer faster and faster, harder and harder. He tickled and rubbed a few utensils out of the way, then went back to sliding that drawer hard until the blockage moved out of the way. The dishwasher suddenly flew into action with a huge gush of water!

"Oh, Oh, Oh!" She yelled. "George! That was marvelous! You are the king! The King!"

"Ah ma'am, I do this hundreds of times every week. You wouldn't beleve how many housewives do an improper load!" George blushed. 

George  pulled out a pack of cigarettes and  handed her one. She put it up to her lips. He did the same with his, then lit both of them. They sighed with satisfaction as they inhaled the weed.

"Do you have any other plumbing problems, ma'am?" George asked, his voice all silky and deep. His eyes smouldered. He wiggled his hips...

...to make his tool belt settle properly...it had ridden up whilst he was working the dishwasher to its climactic self repair.

"Oh yes! I do have a problem in the masterbat...ummm...masterbath room!" She said, eying his ball peen hammer with a boldness that was just not like her. She blushed at her behavior, but was driven now...

...she wanted her plumbing fixed and that was that. 

After that, she scheduled repairs by George every time her husband was out of town! She even wrote a testimonial for the local newspaper. It went like this: 

"I assure every housewife that George is a handy, handy man! He shows up on time and never comes early!

George will get right under your sink and work that problem hard! He will work that problem until it comes to completion!

His special blend of lubricant keeps my belts and hoses in tip top shape, and his labor costs are the best in town!

I say that every helpless housewife should hire George. Let George and his tools come in and fix whatever is wrong!"

THE END