Now I used to hug a tree as well as any other tree hugging naturalist and conservationalist, but today I discovered something shocking.
AJ Calhoun told me yesterday that trees are having sex all over the place and that is why we are all wheezing and cacking like chickens.
I believed that he was just being figurative or allegorical.
But today, I took a journey to have my horse re shoed at my favorite blacksmith, Les Schwab. Les does not even make me get off the horse. He just fixes the shoe right away and does not charge me a pence!
And what did I find during my journey?
Naked trees, cavorting in public with trees that came straight from the brothels!
Fig. 1 In broad daylight, the Albuquerquian Stud Tree displays a fine set of testicles and is nude!
Look, I say, at these hussies! They parade themselves around, wiggling their branch-cleavage and shaking their blossoms every time a brisk wind stirs up!!!
Fig. 2 The testicles are viewed under magnification, which somehow does not magnify much.
And look at these itinerant sperm trees! They idle along the streets all day and night, dressed up, puffing oxygen, and looking for dates, yet they live without any visible means of support!
Fig. 3 This is the sperm of the Albuquerquian Stud Tree, magnified 1000 times!
IF YOU ARE AS OUTRAGED AS YOU SHOULD BE, SUPPORT OUR CAUSE. VISIT THE OFFICIAL "I HATE TREE SPERM" FACEBOOK PAGE AND LEND YOUR SUPPORT BY LIKING IT.*
*This is a real page that was not made up by me! It showed up on Google Search!
**Warning: The I Hate TREE Sperm page has a very sexually graphic photo. Control yourself in the interest of science, please.