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MARCH 3, 2012 11:17PM

OS After Dark: Filthy, Dirty Trees Make More Than Oxygen!

Rate: 21 Flag


Now I used to hug a tree as well as any other tree hugging naturalist and conservationalist, but today I discovered something shocking.

AJ Calhoun told me yesterday that trees are having sex all over the place and that is why we are all wheezing and cacking like chickens.

 I believed that he was just being figurative or allegorical.

But today, I took a journey to have my horse re shoed at my favorite blacksmith, Les Schwab. Les does not even make me get off the horse. He just fixes the shoe right away and does not charge me a pence!

 And what did I find during my journey?

Naked trees, cavorting in public with trees that came straight from the brothels! 



 Fig. 1 In broad daylight, the Albuquerquian Stud Tree displays a fine set of testicles and is nude!


Look, I say, at these hussies! They parade themselves around, wiggling their branch-cleavage and shaking their blossoms every time a brisk wind stirs up!!!



 Fig. 2  The testicles are viewed under magnification, which somehow does not magnify much. 

 And look at these itinerant sperm trees! They idle along the streets all day and night, dressed up, puffing oxygen, and looking for dates, yet they live without any visible means of support! 

 Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App




 Fig. 3  This is the sperm of the Albuquerquian Stud Tree, magnified 1000 times! 




*This is a real page that was not made up by me! It showed up on Google Search! 

**Warning: The I Hate TREE Sperm page has a very sexually graphic photo. Control yourself in the interest of science, please. 

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Somebody better call that there poly-tishun what "prays the gay" outta folks. If he can do that, he ought'ta be able to handle these miscreant, lascivious, lib-left, god hating, Democrat, atheist growths of flora.

damn flowering trees. no wonder i've been wheezing for the last week...
My avocado tree is currently having major sexual dysfunction. The male flowers come out in the morning and close in the afternoon. The female flowers, in turn, are only open in the afternoon. Also with the veroa mite and Monsanto killing all the bees, I'm not getting any help from them. Any advice?
one of my favorite New Yorker cartoons has one tree saying to the other;

"Yeah, it's true. Humans inhale what we excrete. Sick, isn't it."
OH MY GAWD they didnt have CLOTHES ON!
Sky: Shocking, isn't it?

Lemonpulp: How does one sneeze backward and forward for seven minutes?

Dr. Stuart: The bees suffered from the "perfect storm" of three viruses that nuked their ribosomes, which are in the Bee Gut. The ribosomes were the immune system. The theory is that the remaining bees have a natural protection against these viruses, because the death rate is slowing.

For your Avocado tree, hand pollinate with q-tips. Collect the pollen when the male flower is open, then gently apply it when the female opens.

Abrawang: I am stealing that for my next confrontation with my Allergy Immunology Darth Doctor! ha ha!

Peeling An Orange: OS After Dark is one sick place, i'nt it?

You said: ""For your Avocado tree, hand pollinate with q-tips. Collect the pollen when the male flower is open, then gently apply it when the female opens.""

I swear girl, you get more kinky every day!! How would you like getting "pollinated" by a Q-Tip??!! Sheesh! You 'Merikhans is always up to sumthin'...!

There must be something in the air down there in California...... OH!!..... That was your point, wasn't it........
Well, Sky, with one plant, we can do this, but I had friends as a kid who worked whole strawberry fields...once before they quit, never to return again!

Uh oh...it's the nightly conniption fit. Little devils are tickling the back of my throat and getting up takes as much out of me as an entire yoga class. And I dont even do yoga! See ya manana~
What boils my blood is that these trees are being allowed to behave in such a wanton manner at my expense. My tax dollars are paying for these arbors to get wood to perform hard core live acts in public. In my town these tree top lovers have already taken root. R
So funny! Made my night!!! Naughty trees.
You should come to Colorado where we have Cottonwood trees spraying their cotton seasonally to the four winds, and in broad dayliight! Littering our streets with the evidence of their reckless promiscuity! Causing allergies and respiratory distress! I hope our tax dollars are not subsidizing this promiscuity and shameless fornication! It's a real threat to decency in our Puritanical Theocracy.
What thought process led you to Google tree sperm? Absolutely fascinating.

Good post, too. I wonder what those trees get up to when we're not peeking.
OH NOZE!! TREE SPERMZ!! ~flees into the thorn bushes~
I would cover my eyes when going out there...because this might get me aroused. Just kidding!
OMG my farm is a commune and a brothel. So that also means that this fucking outrageous wind we've been having is a huge pimp. It is all very clear to me now. Zuma you're a scientific genius discovering the new porn of the 21st century. Now there will be hundreds of hillbilly's wanking off in the woods for free. See ya sweetie........o/e
Tree sex is purty. (But I don't have allergies.)
Nothing more discombobulating than a horny sneezer, which is me just seeing these photos and reading your sensuous prose. Gasp...CHOOOOO!!
Prolific amount of tree sperm here in Germany. Could there be so worldwide tree sperm competition? I think German trees would out perform. There are so many and dressed in green- even in winter.
I have a degree in forestry. My choice in a college major dictated by hormones. Sex, sex, sex. There. The truth is out.
You are such a dirty girl.

This is crazy! To start my Sunday morning off with a cup of coffee and PORN!

Hey, wait! This is TINK'S laptop!!!!!
Not only the trees but the calalillies are in bloom.:)
They parade themselves around, wiggling their branch-cleavage and shaking their blossoms every time a brisk wind stirs up!!!
yes they do and like Lemonpulp I be sneezing.. and not sperm either hahaha
it's not sperm trees I hate, they are allowed to grow and proagate well, it's the female species that should be monitored chopped down or sterilized, or made to bear fruit every season without end.
OMG! I came back to check, and had more cackling, choking laughs from your comments than ever! I so love my smart, funny OS buddies!

And you are all so moral! See, right wingers? We do have morals even when it comes to our porn and wanton sex!
My problem with tree sperm and other lascivious plant excretions is that they all crawl up my nose, make me sneeze, tickle my throat and make my eyes bleed!!! Something needs to be done!!
Jmac: They're killin' us! I'm laid up on day seven of the mega aller-flu of 2012.

I'm beggin' for a shot and Darth Doctor is telling me "You're not getting a shot!".
Gorgeous. I wish I grew blossoms after sex!
It's dying down. For now. Until they get their next shipment of Tree-agra, Hy!