Alpine, California, United States
December 07
I am here in cyberspace trying to understand the true nature of reality. My artwork can be seen in the blog link below.!home/mainPage


Zanelle's Links

MAY 27, 2012 10:59AM

Loving Trouble

Rate: 27 Flag



    When I look back at the life I had with my alcoholic, bank robbing felon I marvel that I not only survived our four years together but I miss him.  I miss his body and his attention.  I miss sleeping with him and having the holidays with him at my Mom's.  I miss him every day.  There is one good thing about an alcoholic, they like to stay home.  I liked having his company.  Most guys seem so busy.  He was totally mine.

   And yet I am glad he is dead.  Does that make any sense? Yes, it does. His whole life was trouble from when his mother put her controlling nature to work on him and he rebelled.  I rebelled against my controlling mother too and that was a big thing that we had in common.  She never knew that he was a bank robber.  She knows not to delve too deeply into my life.

   I like an intense life.  I do not live like an ordinary older lady.  I take chances on people that other people throw away.  Maybe it is because I have low self esteem.  Maybe it is because I like a challenge and drunks are easy to manipulate.  Maybe it is because I am crazy too. I do not drink or do drugs to excess.  Hardly at all.  But craziness does not scare me as much as it should.  I see it all around me every day.  Doesn't everyone ? or do most people put blinders on?

   At the Center where I work we were all sitting around at the end of the day with just two clients left.  Someone mentioned that if the economy didn't get better they were going to rob a bank.  Another lady said she had thought about it too.  I said I knew a bank robber who had robbed eight banks and one of those twice.  That always gets a laugh.

   We talked about the best way to rob a bank and I know a great deal about it all after being so close to my bank robbing friend.  He taught me so much about what not to do in life. He spent six years in federal prison.  We could have had it all if he had been able to quit drinking and stop trying to right the wrongs of the world.  He was always attempting to be the good guy who saves the day.

   He saved me.  He and I had so much fun and we were very close.  We loved to be together and those were my last words to him.  "I love you and I miss you", in spite of the fact that I was wary to use the words "I love you." with us.  Then they put him on the ventilator and ten days later they unplugged him and he died.  He was trouble with a capital T.  He made my life heavy and hard.  But I still miss him.  How can that be?

  Brandy couple

                                       Cocktail at the Marine Room 


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Love is inexplicable. Lovers cannot be explained. And life doesn't always make sense.
Love's just love. That's all.
Blessings and Peace
You are one of the coolest ladies I know, Z. I really like the way you stand in your truth. As for missing him -- he was your "familiar." (See Alice Walker's "The Temple of My Familiar) It makes sense to me.

You loved him, that is the only reason I can think of.
Beautiful tribute to that love.
rated with love
this is a brilliant post! publish it elsewhere too

it makes perfect sense
He was a good guy underneath and he was there for you. What's not to miss? No one is perfect. Though I think you wish, a little, that he had tried harder to save himself along with everyone else. But that's okay. When we love someone we want what's best for them.

I love how you live your life, all out, full steam ahead. I wish I had some of your courage.
Perhaps you should reach out to some of the bank tellers he probably traumatized either with displaying a weapon or threat of one.

That would be courageous on your part and far from ordinary, don't you think?
Poor Woman says what I would say, only much better.
Because you loved him.. that;s all.. it;s that simple
I love your spirit.
Love can be so hard to explain.
In another life you and I would've hit it off, I do believe, Zanelle.
It is interesting that the bank tellers said in the police records I read that they were not afraid. He just gave them a note and used no gun. He was a smiling con artist. He conned me. And I conned him back.
Those who think that there has to be a "reason" for loving someone have no idea what love is all about.

Clearly you, and most of the commenters here, understand love so much better.

Love is love. It is its own excuse and reason and just is - like the universe. It is heart-warming and heart-breaking all at the same time. We can miserably suffer through it at times and then go seeking it again when it is not there.

Love is the laughter and the crying of our hearts.

I do often think of reaching out to the victim of the DUI at his death. Apparently there was some back pain for that person. The consequences of our actions are vast. Mine to for helping him to continue.
I would have said exactly what Poor Woman said, ah love.....
this is a fine funny insight, so damn true:
"there is one good thing about an alcoholic,
they like to stay home. I liked having his company.
Most guys seem so busy. He was totally mine. '

This simple statement explains so so much.
including the cases where the drinker is not a happy drunk...

How can it be that you miss him, you ask.
But your answer is right there: "he saved me"...

Zanelle,It is called love..and I can totally understand you and your words "He saved me. He and I had so much fun and we were very close. We loved to be together.."are the ones that I can totally connect with.I loved your work here,so true,sentimental,life in all its tears and questions and the images reminded me of my garden back in Athens.Great work,so rated with thank you for sharing and knowing you better.
Those feelings don't always follow a rational, well-ordered course zanelle, but I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. As I came to believe in one troubled relationship, I think there's some operant conditioning at work too. You can never take the good times or behavior for granted because it's randomly distributed. So in a perverse way it seems more precious simply because of its capriciousness.
Zanelle, I'll repeat something a friend had told me once:

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

The only thing you take with you when you're gone is what you leave behind."

And I think absence erases the faults and does grow the fondness of one's heart.

It just is. For some women the bad boys hold our attention better. They have need and we try to heal them. When they are gone that part of us goes with them. How we love. ? But that we loved. ! Thank you for inviting us into your yard and heart.
Love just is!
It cannot be explained.
You’re rare that you can see past what most of us turn away from.
Awww gosh!

It is what it is. Why question it?
I wish I had your strength to live the "intense life"---
and love with such gusto.... maybe some day....
in the meaning time I will keep reading you for inspiration when that day comes :)
Love can be found in places where we would not normally seek it ... it has a way of finding us. When that happens ... I think it's best not to question it ... it just is.
I wrote a whole scene in a play about why women are attracted to bad boys, and how that currency changes over time... one night after the show an Englishwoman in her sixties spoke with me, telling me that as much as she wanted to, she could not argue with what I'd written. She handed me her card and told me that if I was so inclined she'd like to arrange a seminar based on that scene... She was the head of the women's studies faculty at UCSB.
Almost everyone has some good in them. I think you're just more open to finding it. Nothing wrong with that.
When I drank and ran around, I felt invincible. Ten ft & Tall and Bullet Proof. I kinda' miss those days of being not afraid of anything.
I can see in those photos, especially the middle one, why you miss him.
Lucky man, I'd say.
Besides the fact this is good writing, honest and strong, I like the simplicity of the way you tell of a very complex thing, love. Giving love and accepting love. Holiday weekends have a way of making everyone feel lonely, those who have recently lost someone, ever so much more.
Scannner" Bullet Proof" that expression. : ) I have heard it a few times, in fact recounted it recently to a friend ( an American living in Australia )..I like it ..."Reckon" is another that we Aussies love..he uses that one as well....
Poor woman says it very well...agree. R