Santa Claus: "Giving away toys kills the poors' work ethic"
NORTH POLE - Looking trim following lap-band surgery, Santa Claus held a press conference today to announce a fundamental change in his long-time tradition of giving toys to good children.
Intent on cutting costs as well as teaching ideological lessons, Claus, 43, said that the time was now for Americans to stop looking for handouts.
"I have learned that when you give toys to the poor, it kills their ambition to go buy their own toys," said Claus, the CEO of North Pole Industries, which recently announced a third-quarter profit of $36 billion. "Thus, the 'good and bad children' rule is out the window, and from now on only children with parents making $250,000 a year will receive toys."
The news left millions of children across the United States confused and irate, with many wondering if coal would fill their stockings this year. On his Facebook page, Claus quickly put this rumor to rest.
"Coal? Ho Ho Ho. Now that's funny," wrote Claus, a silent partner in several coal mining companies. "Are you people nuts? That's real money we're talking about."
While universally known as an agent of good, Claus has recently made it clear that the time is now for him to streamline his business in order to reach maximum profitability, as well as to punish the poor for being so damned poor.
"I'm here to get mine," said Claus, noshing on a reindeer sandwich. "And let's face it, I keep giving the poor toys, and they just keep on being poor. Sure, I have magical powers, but I EARNED my money.
"It's time for the poor to get off their asses and go make a buck," added Claus, who also said his new plan will create jobs, though he was unable to produce evidence as to how. "It just will."
Claus added that North Pole industries - which has thus far received $119 billion in TARP loans - will be relocating to India in order to keep labor costs low.
"This is an austerity plan," said Claus, who was famously arrested at Heathrow Airport in 1997 with a Christmas bag full of blow on his way to the Dominican Republic. "It's time for all Americans to make a sacrifice for the good of me. And when I say 'All Americans,' I mean those making less than $250,000 a year."
News of North Pole Industries' new business model was met with applause on Wall Street, where the price of NPI went up 75 percent to $326 a share. Later in the day, Claus announced other cost-cutting measures will be forthcoming.
"Also, Gays and Lesbians and their children get nothing from now on," added Claus, with a wink and a jiggle of his belly. "Just because."
Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles