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white and black

white and black
Location
San Jose, California,
Birthday
June 30
Bio
Published writer, artist, photographer, lover, fighter, single mother, bi-female, and old soul.,,, looking for My true north, my alpha male..,I'm like the antithesis of the Disney princess lol,,,

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Salon.com
NOVEMBER 10, 2011 8:37AM

Golden Showers, Flamethrowers, and Loud Sex

Rate: 8 Flag

 I thought I'd make my comeback here at OS by sharing my top  most mortifying TMI moments.. laugh with me, cry with me, shake your heads with disgust...It's all true..I swear!! just ask my therapist!

 

1. My first day of kindergarten, I shit myself

  poop

On my first day of kindergarten my teacher said to me...you can go to the bathroom after nap time..End result? (get it..end result..lol) I laid there on my nap mat tears flowing down my face..and shit myself. I was escorted to the office where my mother was called to come and pick me up early..what a crappy way to start my education!

2. A not so Golden Shower Moment,

pee

The first night after bringing my son home from the hospital..my son gave me a midnight golden shower. Nobody told me that when you remove a diaper from your new baby boy..the cool air hitting their little peckers can make them pee into the air.. 

So there I was changing his diaper with only a dim night light..  trying not to wake him.. when I felt something hitting my shoulder ..it took a few seconds to register that he was peeing on me..Startled , I yelled , he cried..3 hours later...an exhausted me, was finally able to get back to bed.

3. A taste for fake fruit

banana

Meeting your future in-laws can be a nerve racking experience.. you want to make a good first impression, you want them to like you..Well my husband invited me and my then 3 year old son to go to his parents home for the weekend to meet his family. After getting a late start on the road my husband had called his parents to let them know we would be late and not to wait up for us that we would see them in the morning. We arrived exhausted late Friday evening after everyone was asleep, and went right to bed..

Apparently my son got up before everyone else and ventured into the kitchen looking for something to eat..he must have spotted a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table and immediately recognized his favorite ..Bananas!! Because he bit into not one, not two, but three Styrofoam bananas. having no luck with them, he took a bite out of a Styrofoam apple too. The wtf is wrong with these people look on his face must have been priceless..

Defeated, he apparently gave up and headed back to bed. Hearing my son foraging about the kitchen, my future in-laws figured we must be awake and up, met him in the hallway on his way back..where he immediately smiled and greeted them with a big confident wave "Hi! I'm John!"  

When we did get up I noticed the carnage that was the fruit bowl sitting on the kitchen counter..and turned beet red..I apologized profusely and offered to replace the mangled fake fruit..but of course they told me not to worry about it ..they had  already fallen in love with John and his big personality.

4. Sex in the shower can be dangerous

  psycho

The same morning as the banana incident, my future in-laws asked if they could take John with them to walmart to go shopping and suggested that we get showered and ready for the BB-Q they had planned later that afternoon. 

Feeling frisky and wanting to take advantage of the opportunity to get in a quicky before they got back, my husband talked me into taking a shower with him.. I was down to get down! He didn't have to twist my arm or ask twice! So as soon as they left we got naked, jumped in the shower and got all soapy.. Just when he was hitting his rhythm..we heard his Parents..They had apparently forgotten something and came back to get it..Well I panicked, lost my footing and slipped due to the lack of any safety tape or a bathmat..hitting my head on the side of the shower door splitting my forehead open. There I was bleeding pretty good, his parents hearing the ruckus, were knocking on the door asking if something broke, my husband not knowing whether to act like we couldn't hear them and finish up or answer them and embarrass me further..decided to ignore them and finish up... Bad move!! because we had forgotten to lock the door and in they came...Awkward!!  

thankfully the wound wasn't too bad, I was able to stem the bleeding and close off the cut with some butterfly tape..my dignity? it didn't do as well.. I was completely mortified.

5. Flamethrowers can be  dangerous at BB-Q's

flaming

Well.. still smarting from the  morning shower debacle I was trying to hide in the corner and not embarrass my self any further..My husband's mother and sister were in the kitchen preparing some of the side dishes for the meal, when I heard them calling me into the kitchen. His mother asked me to go out to the deck and check on the steak that was cooking on the gas grill. I smiled and headed out to do what she had assigned me to do. As soon as I opened the lid on the ancient Webber gas grill I noticed grease dripping down onto the hose that went to the propane tank..and before I could say anything the grease ignited and burned through the old brittle hose, turning the propane tank into a flame thrower, whipping flames around like one of those kid's water sprinklers.  I yelled and got my husband's father to come help, but not before the flaming death device lit the old carpet the grill was sitting on, the deck beneath it, and burned a big section of paint on the side of the house, turning it a charred shade of dark charcoal black. 

Could it get any worse? Thankfully the flames were extinguished and the house did not burn down..but my father in law glared at me and demanded to know what the hell I had done to his fucking grill!!  Bursting into tears I ran into the house grabbed my son and headed for the car...I had done enough damage to last a life time.. And besides at this point I was convinced they thought I was some kind of bad luck schlep-rock and would forbid their son from having anything else to do with me. 

As I sat crying in the car realizing I had driven there with my husband I heard a knock on the car window..My husband's father, feeling bad about yelling at me, came to apologize and coax me back to the party. Wiping away the big tears from my mascara streaked face and agreed..I also promised not to touch anything else.

 

6.Can you hear me now?

loud

Our first christmas at the in-laws we decided to have sex ..we are getting it on pretty good and I'm kinda vocal and next thing ya know there was a knock on the door.."could you guys keep it down we're trying to sleep!" says my new mother in law...awkward!!

7. Bad Mommy is in da house!

  bad

For 35 minutes I lost my daughter.. my husband was on a trip and I asked my son to watch his little sister outside while I tried to get some work done..when I went outside to check on her and her brother ..she was no place to be found..Frantic, I screamed at my son asking where his sister was..he was playing ball in the street with his friends and she wasn't there..we searched and searched every backyard every pool.. every where and no luck..apparently she went into a neighbor's house and fell asleep playing with thier little girl..the entire time all I could think about was what will my mother in law say?? OMG I have to tell her that I lost her grand daughter...

yeah that's what crossed my mind..

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Comments

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Funny collection of mortifications w&b. Nice that you can laugh them off now.
Cringe. (And haha.)
Oh god there are more but I think I TMI'd enough
Best TMI EVER!! Welcome back to Hell, we've missed ya!!! :D
You lost your daughter and all you could think about was what your MIL would say? Glad you found her.
My whole life has been a series of embarrassments! You have just these few...