Many of us have "pet peeves," small things that irritate us to no end. I like to think of myself as an ever conscious observer, and in being so conscious, I have developed a strange acutramal of irritating incidents that rub me the wrong way.
1. Pleats in pants
Why were pleats invented? Will someone please show me an example of a flattering pleat? Because I'm still waiting to see one. Who was the clothing designer who thought, 'A pant that gives the wearer an imaginary stomach and hip pooch! That is what I will create!' A kajillionaire that's who.
2. Mountain Dew (the soda)
I mentioned this to Matt the other day and he was immediately incredulous. "Are you serious?" He sputtered, "Mountain Dew is awesome." Maybe. But not to me. To me it's automatically three things: 1. A Pepsi product (down grade), 2. Nascar related ("So is Coca-Cola!" Matt cried. "Yes," I said, "But Coca-Cola was once a medicine. So much cooler.") and 3. Midwest-erian. Midwesterners seem to love Mountain Dew-the lime green Caffeine-craze initiator of all caffeine loaded products in a can. I can't recall one time in my trips to San Francisco where someone ordered a Mountain Dew. However, I can't recall many times in the Midwest where I've heard anyone order a green tea peach blossom ginger infused smoothie either, so perhaps I digress.
3. Emails without proper punctuation (or sent from your "Verizon Black Berry Messenger")
Imagine-an online piece of writing that has all the correct punctuation. Oh wait! If you've made it to Open Salon, I hope that means you have been exposed to many such a strange phenomenon. Hopefully, you are not also a horrible violator of online punctuation yourself. With email now a prime method of human communication, it still baffles me when people don't use proper punctuation, or even sign their name! If I got a call from my land lord that began with "Yo tennant, what you be up to?" I would be enormously aghast, yet he considers it appropriate to send me emails like "I need your license plate number" no punctuation OR hello/goodbye/name included. Followed by that pesky signature "this message sent from Verizon Black Berry Messenger." Perhaps the REAL culprit here? (Don't think you are exempt iPhone users, your phone gives you away there too.)
4. "Diet" or "Lite" or "Sugar Free" foods
I would just like to say here and now, officially, that there is no such thing as a diet, lite or sugar free food. Got it?? If Americans would just READ A BOOK (we'll get to that next) or even watch the news (strange) or even watch Oprah (talk about easy, and she interviews Michael Pollan!) they would know that foods with these buzz words in them are not in fact foods. There is such a thing as Diet By-Product or Factory Created Sugar Specimen. But do you want to eat those? Next time you're at the grocery store, flip over a Lean Cuisine. Without all that fat, the flavor has to come from somewhere. And it's coming from the 800 mgs of sodium in ONE meal. Sugar free means fake sugar added, and we all know there is no place for chemicals like that in our human bodies, unless it's through Diet Coke.
5. People that don't "enjoy" reading
Really? What is not to enjoy? I've heard it all. I'm not good at it, I'd rather watch the movie, it takes to long, I just don't care really, I just don't like it, I'd rather do something else. Everyone that is anyone READS. Name one president that doesn't read. (George W. Bush, Mr. Peeve himself.) Crap. Okay, well how about Hugh Hefner? He reads! He reads Playboy! Every month! Probably more than once! I'm not a book snob. I love to read books, but I also love to read magazines, and I learn lots from them. The same goes for newspapers. As long as you're reading something besides the back of a cereal box (or a textbook) than good for you. I don't understand how someone could read a classic novel and not be curious about what else is out there. What other worlds have been left unexplored. Anne of Green Gables said it best to Marilla when she was told not to use her imagination, "Oh, how much you miss."
6. SUVs (Namely Hummers or Escalades, but any SUV or obnoxious truck will do)
In this day and age, there is really no reason to have an SUV or a non- work truck. You shouldn't have six kids anyway, because here in just a few years, over population will be a real bitch. And don't tell me that truck is for work, because it's sparkling clean and the fake testicles you've strung up to the hitch have barely a breath of dust on them. The Earth might get destroyed but you'll be dead you say? What a STUPID thing to say, hence the reason this is such a pet peeve. Your family-your grand-children and great-grandchildren might care, what about them? Being ignorant of your environment and your world for automotive vanity is simply inexcusable. That's not to say that I don't recognize a nice Hummer or Escalade. There is a reason that P. Diddy has so many phat chicks riding around in his Hummer, because they are nice vehicles. But they're just as nice on the lot. And certainly not as nice as a baby polar bear. I mean, have you seen those things? Talk about phat...
7. Women who say they "just can't" walk in heels
Yes. You. Can. You were born female, thus with the ability to walk in heels. In fact, men could too, if they tried. And that is the point! If you try! Not everything comes easy to some people. I will never be good at math, and will probably over pay on utility bills for some time to come due to my lack of division and multiplication accuracy, but no one is perfect. But practice can help make perfect. I once bought a pair of silver glitter pumps, at least four to five inch heel--stacked. They were gorgeous. Shimmery, attention grabbing. I wore them to a honorary sorority Initiation with an all black outfit so they'd stand out. As I began my ascent up the platform stairs I realized that if I walked straight upright, the heels would rub painfully all up and down the back of my heel. I could limp up the stage like Igor, or I could muster the fashionable sensibility to walk "pain free" and do myself-and my great shoes some dignity. It's called shoe tape and inserts. So start practicing.
8. People who let their clothes wear them
Anyone who knows me well knows my fashion motto. "You wear your clothes, your clothes do not wear you." What is the meaning of this you ask? The meaning is that it gives YOU back the power. Who says that isn't your style, your color, your usual look? If it fits you right and you like it, then you should wear it and with pride! Clothes can't speak, and too many men and women expect their tangerine sweater to sit up off their chest and suddenly rebel against them. "Hey you, yeah you, above the neck," your Tangerine sweater might bark, "I'm not something you'd usually wear am I?" When was the last time this happened to anyone? Never. So start wearing your clothes.
9. Bottled water
Water snobs are some of the most annoying people on Earth. Having been a college rental "home owner" for the past few years, I come from an understanding place in only two areas. 1: Your water tastes like sulfur or some other excrement-al flavor. 2: The faucet in your kitchen is so grody, you can't possibly imagine drinking from it without your Fairy Godmother providing you with some heavenly CLR. Otherwise that "taste" that you're imagining is in. your. imagination. What do you think the settlers drank? Nestle Pure Life? No! Water snobs of the first order, the most peevish of all are people who don't "like" some bottled water over others. You'll drink Dasani but not Fiji? What is one water to clear for you? I'm not going to even start on what an environmental travesty individual water bottles are, or what a waste of money! I'll give you six words: Britta filter. Gallon jugs. Tap water.
10. Beer specials at bars that are not so "special"
Beer specials on certain nights are exciting times, especially amongst the poor, constantly thirsty college circuit. However, I've begun to notice a particular trend. Before I turned 21, I dreamed of these specials longingly. $1.25 (Dollar Twenty-Fives), Pennies, Fridays, Fifty-cent wells--and then I became 21 and a brutal truth was revealed. These beer specials are a tricky method of pawning off the cheapest, most disgusting beer possible to people who just can not pass up a great deal. It's not as though getting drunk is particularly expensive. A fifth of any low to mid-tier vodka is no more than fifteen dollars, and split between two people even less. Not to mention an entire case of beer split between two, even three people is often even cheaper. So why the need to spend three dollar cover for endless pitchers (this describes Pennies) for beer that makes Keystone Light taste like a freshly tapped Guinness in a hole in the wall pub found deep in the Irish hills? I myself, enjoy beer, and having been in a relationship with someone who is a bit of a beer connoisseur I have had my fair share of domestic, import, and local brews. I have my favorites (light ales and summer brews,) and my not-so-favorites (most ports and anything that is too "hoppy".) I enjoy beer, and have been known in my spry day to choke down a Keystone or even a Bud Light in the pursuit of a Beer Pong victory. But the beer special beer just cannot be hidden under the sale canopy any longer. Besides, isn't three dollars for a bucket of piss a little steep these days?