WARNING:

The following post contains material of a sexually explicit nature. I preface this post as such out of respect for the more proper OS ladies.

Nothing brightens my day more than discovering a new issue of Cosmopolitan in my mailbox.  The cover of the December issue of this month’s Pulitzer Prize quality literature boasts in large capital letters: 100 BEST SEX TIPS. Well, I could hardly wait to rip off the plastic covering. As soon as I got in the door, I dropped everything and immediately flipped to page 121. There it was-- 100 BEST SEX TIPS-- accompanied by a full-page photo of a randy couple getting busy on top of a washing machine. So hot!

Cosmo “combed through countless studies, books, TV series, movies, songs, and TMI celeb quotes/tweets to bring you the most daring, lustiest pointers from 2011.”

Here are my favorites. I can’t wait to try them out!

#10 Push an exercise ball up against the wall, have him sit on it, and bounce on him.

This is great until one of you loses your balance and falls off, smacks your head against a sharp corner of the bed stand and you end up having to get nineteen stitches.

#19 A study determined that guys lose their desire if they’re not mentally turned on. Keep him engaged with a position that packs an x-rated view, like reverse cowgirl, says, Ava Cadell, PhD.

#23 Tease him all over his body with your tongue, then direct a handheld fan at the spots you licked.

This is just stupid.

#24  Tie him up and use shoelaces to tie a remote controlled vibrator to the shaft of his penis and play with speeds.

Shoelaces? Are you for real?

#36 When he’s going down on you, tell him to trace a devious message on your hoo-ha.

I certainly can’t speak for other women, but when a guy’s going downtown, I’m not interested in playing guessing games.

#56 A Rutgers University study showed that the trick to setting off a mental orgasm is to visualize naughty thoughts and activities.

Well, duh.

#64  Tell him to picture your vagina as a (really pretty) clock face and kiss each numbered position round and round…

Seriously, who thinks of this stuff? "Hey, listen, buddy, since you’re already down there, can you please read me the time?"

#69 Sit on top of him, then put your legs over his shoulders, lie all the way back, and roll onto your side on the bed (keep him inside you). He should be pumping you from the side while upside-down.

Think about that for a sec. Yeah. My thoughts exactly.

#89 Get pleasure from his feet (really): Lie down, legs apart, with your guy standing above you. He should then use his (clean!) big toe to stimulate your clitoris.

In a word: Ew.

#96  “The key to a lasting marriage in Hollywood: good porn.” @lisarinna

Thank you, Lisa Rinna, for sharing that priceless piece of marital advice.

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Well, I gotta sex tip for you. No scientific or university studies were needed to figure this one out.

Swallow. Guys love it.

Now, I know. You’re probably thinking, Ewwww... Gross! It tastes so nasty. I hear you. And you’re not alone. Obviously, this is a common complaint among sexually active women.

Hence, the surprisingly tasteful full-page ad featured opposite the Cosmo Astrologer for a product called MasqueTM-- an orally dissolvable flavor strip that has been “proven to conceal any unpleasant flavors associated with pleasuring your man and his subsequent climax.” Masque comes in a variety of flavors like chocolate and watermelon and lasts up to fifteen minutes. It doesn’t overpower your tongue like, say, an Altoid would. Instead, Masque “blocks flavor profiles associated with oral sex on men, especially of semen (salts, bitters, and proteins).”

$12 for a pack of three.

There’s no need, however, to waste your hard earned money on such a product. With a little finesse and proper application, you can swallow without tasting anything. It’s all in the wrist, as they say.

I learned how to swallow through a lot trial and error. Let my experience pave the way for a more fulfilling oral encounter for both of you. (I once schooled a good friend of mine in this arena and let me just say, her husband was eternally grateful.)

First of all, you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know when a guy is going to cum. Most guys are pretty good at letting you know when they’re about to ejaculate. I think it’s because they know most women don’t enjoy swallowing. Most guys, at least in myexperience, give ample warning before Etna erupts, so you can back off and let fly. But secretly, they’d really like it if you swallowed. If only. For the men who are not so verbal, signals to watch out for: quickened breathing, tensing of muscles, incoherent speech, the penis becomes more turgid.

So, when he’s about to blow his wad, here’s what you do:

1. Firmly grip the base of his penis.
2. Slide his penis all the way to the back of your throat. You MUST RELAX your throat. This is key. Otherwise, you’ll set off your gag reflex and nobody wants that. Concentrate on relaxing. Relaxing is essential. I cannot stress it enough.
3. As soon as he begins releasing, start working those esophageal muscles and let his junk slide down the back of your throat. (Swallowing while your mouth is open will take practice.)

That’s all there is to it. If it's done correctly, you shouldn't taste a thing.

But if you simply can’t bring yourself to do it, at least hop off with your mouth and hop on with your you-know-what-I’m-talking-about.

That way, you avoid a mess in your hair. Unless of course, you like it like that.