Verbal Remedy AKA Denise

Verbal Remedy AKA Denise
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Del Mar, California, The One That's In A State Of Steep Decline
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January 18
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Columnist, http://www.doesthismakesense.com
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Much preferred to the alternative.
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Born. Grew up. Kept growing up. Started growing older. Still at both the growing up and growing older. Stay tuned.

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NOVEMBER 23, 2010 7:07PM

You'll Have To Pry My Underwire From My Cold, Dead Ribcage

Rate: 72 Flag
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Image Source, for the truly ambitious do-it-yourselfer
 
Alright. That's it. I've had it.
 
I was relatively OK with slouching, shoeless, through the metal detector and hopping on one foot to put my slip-ons back on.
 
I was, if not thrilled, then at least half-assed fine with unpacking at the airport half of what I'd packed only an hour before, depositing my scary toothpaste and conditioner and potentially booby-trapped MacBook into their own separate bins.
 
I was willing to live with the possibility that a cute little souvenir statuette in the actual suitcase might cause a frazzled, overworked, jittery minmum wage securty screener to start pawing through my underwear.
 
But now they want women to stop wearing underwire bras to the airport?
 
The TSA is hereby cordially invited to bite me. I haven't owned a soft-cup bra since Cyndi Lauper was the Next Big Thing. It's not because I'm an uncooperative citizen. It's because, as the owner of what Hollywood scriptwriters call "bodacious ta-tas," I need an underwire.

 
 
There's a reason underwire bras make up 70% of bra sales--they do what a bra is supposed to do. Cross over. Lift. Separate. Prevent unholy amounts of bobble and bounce.
 
Underwires cinch onto the ribcage, where they stay put as though they were welded there until such a time as the (oh, shit...metal) clasps are undone, either by oneself, a very good friend, or (apparently, from today forward) a friendly same-sex security officer.
 
  lilyette
My everyday immobilizer. She wears it better than I do. I figure if my fellow passengers may get to see it soon, I might as well reveal it here.(All further bra images from the same site.)
 
Once the underwire is in place, everything above it is held captive in unforgiving fabric, helpless to make a break for it. (Unless the girls try to Go Over The Wall, which happens when some of us generously endowed gals try to wear demi-cups. Mr. Wonderful's Twin has taken to calling such attempted escapes "Shawshank" moments, and despite the fact that Tim Robbins actually went under the wall, I appreciate a subtle "Shawshank!" to let me know I need to double-check my containment. It's a lot classier than, "Hey, babe, your tits are falling out.")
 
All this is an attempt to explain why I refuse to buy some sad little stretchy-banded, unreinforced little thing, solely for travel. Because trust me...it will ride up to nipple-level after thirty minutes of wear.
 
whatever
My rack took one look at this pathetic little thing and laughed out loud.
 
Sure, I'd like to get on a plane. But I'd like to do so wearing one of the 15 or 20 bras I already own. Bras that deliver support that won't leave me wishing I could just place each drooping piece of sweatermeat into its very own own separate bin, thank you very much.
 
Also, I'd like to do it without donning something that shapes my breasts into...ammunition. I think this (wire-free) contraption would probably  raise a few alarms at a checkpoint, regardless. Breasts shouldn't resemble rocket launchers. Unless you're on the set of Mad Men. But I digress.
 
  shoot me
Stand back! I've got twin assault weapons, and I ain't afraid to use 'em!
 
I suppose there's always the sport-bra option. But really? In addition to forfeiting my 4th Amendment right against unreasonable search and seizure as a condition of eating turkey with Mr. Wonderful's Twin's* family in Boise, I just can't bring myself to surrender my pride, too.
 
uniboob
 
 Just kill me.
 

Guys, you're not off the hook either. It's not JUST the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder that's on a no-fly list.
 
Helpful experts also suggest wearing "tight pants," not loose, so forget about those triple-pleated khakis.
 
sorrydude
Sorry, dude. You could be carrying Roger Rabbit and an AK-47 in those. Come on over here, big boy, and let's have ourselves a hot enhanced pat-down...
 
They suggest wearing form-fitting shirts, not billowy mumus, oversized t-shirts, or bulky sweaters. Sorry about the beer-gut camouflage, but you may want to invest in a bike jersey that lets the nice agents see everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
 
oof
Oof. Sorry. That hurt me more than it hurt you. I had to search for the image.
 
They also suggest avoiding:
  • metal buttons
  • heavy jewelry
  • cuff links
  • lanyards
  • bolo ties
  • belt buckles
 
Everybody got that?
 
On the bright side, I guess we've finally caught up with Sci-Fi. Now we know why everybody in the future wears spandex jumpsuits.
 
There's apparently no other way to get through security at the goddamned space port.
  tpol
  galactica
logan

 
*I think Mr. Wonderful's Twin needs a shorter nickname, without that awkward possessive. The suggestion box is open.
 

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Over on Facebook, our OS pal Artsfish says we should all dress up in spandex jumpsuits as our favorite superhero. She's already called Catwoman, so I'm thinking maybe Batgirl might suit me.
I am so happy I don't fly because you have described mine as if you knew them personally! Great laugh I loved this...
I loved this. Too, too funny. -R-
Brilliant! Though I'm not willing to give up my fourth amendment rights AND my favorite bra's I will henceforth be driving to my destinations. Colorado to Texas: time to get the jeep tuned up!
[I'm hoping this is a glitch in America's history and not the middle of the final spiral down.] I miss Artsfish.
they can suggest all they like, my underwires have never set off a detector (well, not a metal detector, anyway) and i'm happy to step into the body scanner if they make me. i hear a lot more men yelling about not wanting to be bod-scanned and, frankly, i think they're making a lot of noise about mice nuts. or something like that.

how about Mwint or Twirm?
Outstanding logic and wonderful humor. As a caregiver for my wife I have new respect for support garments and shopping for said garments -- I thought I knew about bras -- I knew nothing about except how to remove them. Enjoyed this immensely.
Outstanding logic and wonderful humor. As a caregiver for my wife I have new respect for support garments and shopping for said garments -- I thought I knew about bras -- I knew nothing about except how to remove them. Enjoyed this immensely.
may I volunteer to do the prying?
You're still a tour de force of one, Denise. Nice rant, well-illustrated!
Thanks, everybody. I really needed to get this off my chest.

Er.

:-)
Fuck them. They can feel me up, take my corkscrew (last time I flew), and make me go barefoot but, damn it, I nursed three children with these things and they deserve respect and support. So, once again, fuck them.

And I call Storm. But I'm not going to dye my hair white. But I will start a tempest, tea pot optional.
Tipping a glass of Merlot in your direction for this wonderful piece of writing. I know the twins will thank you...all of our twins!
Oh this is good. I haven't owned a bra without underwire since well, ever.~r
I appreciate your concerns. I did however give up underwires several years ago. I refuse to suffer, they hurt me. I have found bras w/o wires that give good support which I also need....you have to go through several letters of the alphabet to get to my size. I am not planning on flying anytime soon, but suspect I would rather be scanned than patted.... Please do not make me wear a spandex jumpsuit...it would not be pleasant for anyone....
Glad you got that off your chest, Denise.
Rated...this was a GREAT post!

Is anyone else out there thinking about going through the pat down and making orgasmic noises, heavy breathing, moans, a few loud, "O MY GODS!!!!" and "Yes! Yes!...More!!! YES!! Right There!!! Yes!!! Do IT! " like Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally"...I think that would be a scream! I figure if we have to be mortified, let's mortify the TSA folks...and I am going to ask for an OPPOSITE sex patter downer!
Don't take your underwires to the airport that are made of plutonium.
Geez, at first I thought there was a ban on wearing underwire because the wire could be used to poke someone's eye out.

Somewhat off topic here but anyways, hey even recently in an in-office dental procedure the sign said "No Under Wire Bras." What is this world coming too?
Y'all remind me why I miss posting here. (blush)

Let me also mention that the Facebook thread led to the fleeting idea of a bra-burning flashmob.

Or, fleshmob.
Great fun look at a crazy situation! There is no way in hell I'd NOT wear an underwire. I've never had it trigger anything while going through security, but have not been through one of the newer body scanners yet.
without my buckle, things, um, head south.

r
Thanks for all the titillation. Seriously funny stuff. We fly next month for the first time in a couple of years. TSA folks have no sense of humor or willingness to accommodate. My folding white cane is an irritation to them. I don't think there's anything about it in their manual. Walking barefoot and beltless, pants defying gravity, trying to figure out which bins are yours, being pulled to the side to dump everything out of your carry on because they can't identify, What? You have to roll with the flow. I like the spandex superhero idea.
Frak it. Why don't we all just go topless?
Please proceed to Carousel.
From Star Trek: Voyager, Seven of Nine's skin tight cat suit always passed my pat-downs. Hubba-hubba, hamana-hamana.
funny stuff. thanks for the mediations on what hollywood screenwriters call your "bodacious tatas" wink
that line about breasts shouldnt look like rocketships reminds me of a famous bra that madonna wore, do you remember that one?
How about Wondie? Ok, yeah, no.

MWT looks like the beginning of a calendar...

Could you change it to something like Cool Guy? But that's got a whole different meaning. "Wonderful" evokes old-fashioned goodness.

Which leads me to Mr. Good. Seriously, that's my best offer. Take it or leave it.

(cool post as usual :)
Goodly the Wonderful? Goodly for short? It makes me think of Grendel and Beowulf for some reason.

OK, I'm leaving....
The Good Man.

Good Man.

GM.
Um, I've got some stuff to do, Denise? So I'll catch you around? Alrighty then.
VR, you write about bras better than anyone in the business.
These babies are not allowed in public without an underwire. So the TSA doesn't want women to fly anymore? Let's see what the airlines have to say about that once we start showing up with boobs flapping everywhere and causing a kerfuffle. Next they'll be asking us to do jumping jacks.
How about Wonder-Twin? Wait, that was a show when I was a kid...Maybe The Doppelganger? No, sounds like a Batman villain. MW 2 (squared - pretend the 2 is superscript)? Also Mr. Wonderful?At least the possessive would be gone....Can you tell I'm tired? Off to bed...
Denise this is superb! Just perfect. Hilarious and oh so true, it expresses my exasperation just perfectly.
If he is that 'good' then call him St. 'Peter'.....
Give's whole new meaning to putting your breasts features forward. God help us all with this. I prefer how the Israeli's do airport security - they don't look at my cleavage, they look me in the eye. Funny how actually asking a person some pertinent, insightful questions streamlines the whole nonsense....next time I fly, I'll just have my husband cup my DD's and see if we get arrested for indecent behavior...
Hey, Tomtoonboy...clearly, none of the women you know actually, you know. NEED underwires. I bless my sisters whose chests allow them to get by without the Third Reich Discipline of underwires, but honestly, dearheart, thou shalt not pass judgment on That Which One Does Not Understand.

Pain? You don't know pain until you've tried to quickstep in a lousy bra.

Meanwhile, everybody else, including my sistahs in chest-age....stand proud in your industrial trusses.

And I'm totally diggin' Lainey's new nickname for Mr. Wonderful's Twin. MGM. My Good Man.

I can get behind that.

Meanwhile, I'll just sit back and marvel that so far, no spam bots have encouraged anybody to buy crap from China.
Rrrrrrrated! as a Sistah in Cleavage.

IME, underwire bras only hurt if one is wearing the wrong size. Of course, we won't talk about how the larger of my two tends to prompt underwires to try to escape once in a while.
I hate to say it, but I'm cheering if TSA has discouraged underwires. I hate them and they make so few bras for D-cups and higher without underwires and with support (yes, they exist). If this inspires all the manufacturers, I'll give my friendly airport TSA guy a hug next time I go through.

Bathing suits with no underwire and real support would be nice, too. Some of us like to do more than lie on a towel at the beach.
They want you to do WHAT!? All right, wow.
Just one question: aren't there plastic alternatives to the bra underwire (or is hard plastic forbidden too because you could stab someone with it!?).
Stop wearing them? Gee I think I may just start wearing them for flying. I don't get a lot of physical attention
This is classic Verbal Remedy at her best. I think you can now refer to your tatas as Girls Gone Wild. xoxo
Could this get any more absurd? Soon we'll all be flying in footie pajamas and it won't be good. Perhaps still better than spandex jumpsuits, that remains to be seen.

If you're coming to Boise, hopefully you're prepared for our strange freeze, it seems we're trying to be Minnesota and going sub-zero.
@Surly - OMG, Logan's Run? I'd of been annihilated, big boobs and all, a long time ago.

The TSA agent that got me in October grabbed my underwire flying buttress and asked "What is this?" I was all like, "What do you think it is?" She felt all the way around the wires, both girls, and looked down my sleeve to make sure I couldn't whip the metal out and, I don't know, do something creative with it. I'd have had to pole vault over my cascading tatas at that point to carry out any violence and I am too lazy anyway to try. *sigh* This TSA dust-up is sure making for some funny reading...
I like "Mister Twin." Being boobless, I can happily go the rest of my life braless. But, you sound as though you know your own body well enough to dress it, hopefully you'll not have to test those other theories.
Funny stuff, Denise! You is one good righter!!!

How about this: Wear the bra, but when you get to the place where you send stuff thru x-ray, do that clever bra trick you ladies do ... pull in out of your sleeve (Ilove that trick!) ... send it thru, then put it back on the same way you took it off. Now that would be novel!

Or: When you're being patted down, make kissing sounds ... particularly when *she* gets into "no man's land." Or go, "oh, that feels good!" Should speed her right along ... or maybe not.

In my humble (and perverted) opinion, making fun of them will get you thru a lot faster than righteous indignation. We may not like the intrusion, but odds are they don't like it either. Or as Pretend Farmer [sorta] said, "Fuck em [if thay can't take a joke]!"
I finally found the perfect "sportsbra" to wear through security, along with slip-on shoes. Then I had to have both hips replaced. As such, I've been wanded, patted, searched, groped, etc. in the last two years or so, which I try to bear with good humor.
But the bra is great for wearing to MRI appointments.
I am flashing back to my youth and the Sears catalog -- suddenly I am enveloped in a wave of Catholic guilt.
You are, quite simply, completely brilliant . . .
From all of us chicks who use T-shirts for bras (aka IBTC)... PFFFFFT!

But now they are going to start screwing with my khakis??? THOSE BASTARDS!
At the rate that things are going with regard to security screening, we may be flying naked, heavily sedated and handcuffed to our seats in coach...
You amaze me! This is a Verbal Remedy classic. I alerted my whole network to it.
Very funny. BTW, I was here for the article, not the pictures.
If we go braless that might cause a change in policy one way or the other. Something's got to give.
Shouldn't someone invent a plastic underwire? I mean, come on people, this is an emergency!
I was on a service call several years ago to repair a washer which wouldn't drain and spin.
I figured out the problem and, since I knew this family of customers fairly well, I went in to the kitchen where they were all sitting and said that I needed to check out the women.
There were 4 of them at the table.
Well, I "checked them out" with my eyes while looking at their chests.
They asked what I was doing and, as I held up an underwire, I said, "I just needed to see if one of them was sagging as, this was stuck in the pump".
I got a good laugh and, they're still my customers.
I never realized that all of those science fiction women were wearing tight fitting outfits because of the eventual evolution of TSA in those centuries and how it would help screen them through their version of TSA security. It all makes sense now. Which means in the past, when women in fantasy shows wore almost nothing, that's how they got past their TSA security in the middle ages.

It all makes sense now.
Nice photos, too, especially the first one.

All those wonderful years when many babes wouldn't wear a bra at all sure come to mind. Actually, they never left my mind. It has gotten worse in the last 5 years. Now so many of the babes wear several things on top and have strap after strap hanging out of their clothing. Frankly, it's tough to sympathize.

Either don't wear a bra (and maybe get used to it) or wear a simple one for a couple of hours. Women got by without wearing a bra years ago. Now there obviously more of a need to do so.
Hilarious! Having my own set of bodacious ta-tas since age 13, I feel your pain. Although we do digress here... my ribcage is so high, I HATE underwire and often turn to the sexiest possible exercise bra for support. Still, I plan to be a Star Trek Sweetie when I travel now... call me Swiftie Laser. (Who will get this, I wonder...)

As for the nickname, MW2?
You've outdone yourself...girls going over the wall...HA.
perhaps 'porter!' would be a better name for mwt? solve both problems....
The girls and I are truly humbled by the many overnight visits, everybody.

(The nickname-pickin' will take me some time, I think, but there are many fine suggestions to choose from!)
Pretty damned funny and right on target Denise!

I got my first underwire at age 14. I haven't had anything else since. I tried cast iron athletic bras, but they wouldn't stay in place. Bras that rely on elastic alone do not stay in place after about three wash and drys. So, I am dumbfounded by this ridiculous decision. I've flown wearing underwires my whole life. No aircraft has ever gone down because of my underwire, whereas unleashed these torpedoes could take down a tank. I have always loved travel, still do, minus the air travel part,which has been completely ruined. I don't understand the need to indiscriminately treat the entire populace as criminal.
I have learned so much about bras from your posts, Verbal. I also like the color-coded underwire parts list, though bras have never caused me to think about rainbows in the past.
Why limit ourselves to super hero costumes? Let's go onto their accessories. I'm flying as wonder woman's jet. It's invisible you know.
Excellent article.

I got a pat-down a year ago (before this latest round of nonsense) for committing the crime of flying in a (comfortable) full skirt and baggy sweater. The horrors! But take away my underwire and there will be blood.
No superhero costumes. I look better nekkid than in spandex. I could wear my fish tail, though, like a normal mermaid, but then, how will I take off my shoes?

I can get away with not wearing wires, but I have this massive titanium hip, so it's no use anyway. Plus, Homeland Security doesn't like my name, or rather, they don't like that I go by my middle name. I'm really Maria Sirenita Lake. My artificial joint card says "Sirenita." The credit card I bought my ticket with says "Sirenita." My driver's license says "Maria Sirenita." Homeland security doesn't like you to use your middle name, which us Latinos routinely do. In their tiny minds, if every piece of paper you have does not have your name written the same way, you are trying to pull something. I could be some other Sirenita.

So, between my underwires, my hip, and my name, I figure I'll be bundled straight from the security line to some internal interrogation cell, where I might even get to meet real security officers instead of the usual refugees from Burger King.
I hear you, Denise. I'll never give up my underwire either. I'll fight to the death, or at least to the death of the TSA's policies.
Very funny! Congrats on the EP/cover too!
A couple months back, I ordered a bra online because Wal-Mart, Target, and K-Mart don't regularly carry 34D, 32DD, or 34DD bras except as nursing bras or stripper bras.

The package got seized along the way and re-routed through the FBI field office, then returned to sender. Took me six weeks to finally get my damn underwear.

I joked then that my tits are a threat to national security. Oh, those were more innocent times...

When I go home for Christmas in a few weeks, I plan on wearing a contraption I've named Helga (she's not unlike that beige rocketlauncher pictured above, only she's strapless, wired, boned, and much, much less forgiving). Also, as my brother and I have a long-standing tradition of, in honor of our "half-Jewishness," giving each other Judaica that's been cut in half, I plan on smuggling half a menorah in there and then calling in the ACLU when they try to take it away from me.
Brilliant essay and I loved the tie-in with Science Fiction at the end!

Rated!

T'Pol would approve!
Wonderful Post!! Underwire wearers, unite!!
Do they make these things for a guy's ballsack, too?
Fortunately there seems to be mass rebellion against TSA antics. People are refusing both the full body scanners and the crotch grabbing. Enough is enough. Americans aren't sheep - though some of them do act like them at times.
I agree the TSA is going a bit far. I got patted down at the Bronco-Chief game. What in the hell intelligence does the government of several countries including ours have that warrants this sort of thing. I have believed for sometime that Bin Laden is dead. Maybe it happened recently when one of our drones followed his satellite telephone signal right into his ear. God, that would make my day. If it's something like that, I'll walk naked through the airport. Don't get excited, girls; I'm hung like a gerbil.
I don't know, airlines might rethink their policies if a legion of braless, droopy-chested women descended (and do I mean descended) upon their security lines. And if they take away underwires, they can't blame us if overly assertive nipples poke them in the eye during a pat-down. I'm just saying.
MWT = Mr. Wonderful's twin.

funny, that's how I refer to my breasts! Ms. Wonderful, and Ms. Wonderful's Twin. And they'd growl at anyone who tried to touch the Underwire of Uplift and Beauty.
I think Blu had a good idea, just step up and start stripping. Everyone follow, then as clothes start dropping on the floor... wait for the TSA's new response. I think they just wanna be noticed. Those underpaid, universally disliked schlubs just wanna make the news. Beats a boring day at the scanner any day. I like the noise making sounds of pleasure idea too. It is entirely possible you will see me on the nightly report taking off my DD at the airport sometime soon, as I stand on the far side of the scanner, after the 3rd (beeping) try through. Whip that boulder holder down my shirt sleeve and fire it through straight into the TSA agents surprised puss. I can see that happening. Yep.
In Hawai`i in 2004, my girlfriend set off the wand, but it wasn't the underwires--it was the hooks and eyes on the braband in the back! I haven't flown since 2005 (no problems then), but I would not be surprised nowadays were my DDD/F underwires to get me pulled aside for closer inspection. BTW, the underwires in my bras (C-D-DD-DDD/F over the years) have always had white tips--no rainbow color coding >pout