Verbal Remedy AKA Denise

Verbal Remedy AKA Denise
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Del Mar, California, The One That's In A State Of Steep Decline
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January 18
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Columnist, http://www.doesthismakesense.com
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Much preferred to the alternative.
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Born. Grew up. Kept growing up. Started growing older. Still at both the growing up and growing older. Stay tuned.

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SEPTEMBER 13, 2010 7:51PM

The Closet (Guest Blogger)

Rate: 31 Flag

closet(2) 

My best friend in High School was Sandi.

This morning, Sandi posted the photograph above to Facebook, along with the following narrative.

A few years ago, under circumstances far too complicated for me to even attempt to explain (don't worry, nobody died), she took guardianship of her two toddler nephews, and as an always-been-single Mom, she's done a bang-up job raising them.

So far.

I just had to share.


After midnight, and I hear banging in J's closet, which is on the other side of mine. He doesn't stop, so I go to his door. It's locked.

I yell at him to open it-- the rule is No Locked Doors.

No answer.

I pound and yell again, and hear a distant, "Mom? I'm locked in."

"Get your ass over hear and turn the damned lock now!"

"I can't. I'm locked in the closet."

"What?!?"

It took quite awhile to get to the point I could pop the lock. It was very secure.

I go in. The closet doesn't lock, but it is shut all the way.

There's a handle on the other side, but no J.

Then I look up and see this. I'm partially in awe, and it's the only thing keeping me from killing him.

He poked his head down and explained, "The wind came in and shut the door. "

And that is supposed to suffice.

"Why the hell are you up there?!?!!"

"Huh?"

"LOOK WHERE YOUR BODY IS! WHY IS IT UP THERE?!?"

"It's really cool, I can stand up here, there's stuff here too," he says, very nonchalantly, like my vessels aren't popping out of my face.

"GET DOWN!"

"I can't."

"How in the name of God did you get up there?!"

"I don't know."

"Child, presumably your head has been with your body all evening. How did your body get there?!"

"I just swung my feet up. Can you push that desk over?"

"No."

 

I finished trying to remove the lock, took the pic, and went back to bed.

That shelf is very sturdy. He can stand up to almost full height, too.

I figured he'd either get down or I'd hear a thud or I'd get him in the morning.

Eventually he got down without noise or injury.

I'm not going to survive his teen years.

 

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Love it!

(Now I'm also wonder what the hell he found up there!)
Parenting is not for the timid.~r
There's way too much stuff in that closet.
(They just moved into the place last weekend, Mr. Blumenthal. I'm sure it'll fill right up soon. Hee.)
I know. You have to factor in that their brains aren't completed until they are 25. R.
Thanks so much for sharing this I love it - The wind came in and shut the door is priceless. What a great mom. What a weird kid :-)
ha! I won't burden you with details, but it brings back memories of my youth.

Sandi is awesome

(you are too)

xo
Love it!

As a parent, "the I don't know" is very familiar.
the "i don't know" thing got my kid in more trouble than aaaaaanything else ever.

you just have to be amazed at how that kid got up on that shelf in that little teeny space, dontcha? she did the right thing, leaving him up there. now's when things get really inventive ...
She totally sounds like a mom...and he her child. Excellent story....and the tags are priceless.
My kid put a calculator battery up his nose, and he sneezed it out months later--musta been in a sinus cavity, but he was with his dad when he did it, so need I say more. He said he thought it was a "nose pill." Not for the faint hearted, indeed.
On the bright side, she can be certain he'll be the smart kid in his class, and she should start saving for college right now.
Yet another perfect argument against self-replication.
i am laughing so hard i'm crying. And i could so see one of mine doing this! Thanks and super rated.
More power to Sandi, she's gonna need it! Those kids will love her for it.
Now I know why I forgot to have kids.
The kid's a future Columbus
LOVE the tags as much as the story :)
I'm not sure how I got here either....
I have a son who would pull stunts like that! He's 20 now, and was a great teenager! My mom always said that mischievous children are just super-intelligent children. Keeping that in mind got me through many antics! R
Ah, Denise! Your friend inspires many memories ... or nightmares. I am giving a copy of this to my son ... whose kids are 8 & (almost) 7 ... as a means of warning and torture so that he can lose sleep in anticipation. I love paybacks!

And you were wise. I love my son ... but given a redo, I'd have specialized in safe sex a/k/a a Vasectomy and raised guppies as my kids (which when they piss you off, are flushable).
{{{R}}}
The truest sentence ever written by a mom-to-boys: "LOOK WHERE YOUR BODY IS! WHY IS IT UP THERE?!?"

Loved it all; props to Sandi!
I gotta give Sandi big kudos for having the presence of mind to leave the kid where he was and to solve the getting down on his own . . . that's gonna continue to be a great story for many years to come!
"How in the name of God did you get up there?!"

"I don't know."


PRICELESS!
Kids! Better, Boys will be...
Although his head may have been with his body, the brain was elsewhere.

Nice.
This is great and it made me laugh out loud! How do parents survive the antics of young children and their devious little minds? My kids are now a freshman in college and a sophomore in high school and to this day I still don't know how I made it through those early years without losing my sanity. Well, now that I think about it, my kids do say I'm crazy on a regular basis...
I agree, especially with the last line of your tags. These pre-spawners DO need to know the potential consequences.
OMG! I had a similar thing happen to ME!

I was up cleaning the gutters and the vents on a hot and windy day. It was sunny and I was loving the heat. Well, taking account of the wind I positioned the ladder so that I thought the wind wouldn't blow it over. It stayed put the whole time, except for the moment that I started heading for it. *CRASH* and it fell over.

We have 10' ceilings and sloping ground and put rocks and stones around the foundation so I am stuck up there wondering how I'll get down without ending up needing an ambulance.

Being a hot day and living on a major highway I start waving at the cars going by. Most of the occupants just wave back. Some look at each other and I can tell they are wondering about my sanity. 'What the hell is a grown man doing on the roof waving at us?' An hour passes...

Finally a red car rolls past. A rather pretty blond is at the wheel. I wave. She coyly waves back... I actually see the car go back the other direction and wave again. She waves back... Then the car comes back the original direction and slows down. Her look is one of curiosity... 'Who is that?' She pulls in to the driveway and starts a slow drive up the longish driveway...

She is sitting in her car apparently contemplating the situation. Why is this man on the roof of this house waving at me. I should also point out that I'm wearing a skin tight Under Armor top and Under Armor shorts. The ladder has fallen behind a low wall around my patio and can't be seen from the road or the driveway.

She slowly gets out of her car with a rather strange look on her face.

She speaks: 'Do I know you? Do you know me?' I say no but you were driving by. More curious, she asks why I waved at her (as if I only waved at her). I said that I was stuck. I was up cleaning and the ladder blew down and I can't get down and that I was the knight in distress looking for a damsel to save him. She laughs... I say that I was dead serious. I'd been stuck up here for well over an hour waving at people to help me... She stops walking and is looking at me. I guess she noticed my attire. I have sandals on too. No socks. I bet I looked like something that her mother told her to stay away from.

Nervously I add that the ladder is over there and walk to the area and point down. Now, apparently thinking this is a con, she walks over slowly and then finally sees the ladder. 'It's not that windy today' she says. Yeah, I know, not now but there have been some stiff gusts (wincing at the innuendo potentially implied in that word) and just then (there is a god?) one hits.

She starts smiling and chuckles again at the predicament that I'm in... She walks over and looks at the ladder. 'It looks very heavy. I might not be able to lift it.' It's a beefy looking fiberglass ladder. I tell her that it's fiberglass and actually very light. She starts to pick it up cautiously and then sees that it is very light. She comments that I should have put it somewhere else so that it didn't have a chance of blowing down... Yeah, I thought that myself. After it fell...

I gratefully climb down the ladder and she is able to see, and smell (no shower either as I was going to take one after I got through) me and thank her profusely for her help in rescuing me. She laughs again as I thank her, a damsel saving a knight in distress.

I tell her to come over anytime that I'm on that patio cooking for some fish or a veggieburger and she says that she might do that... I asked her why she stopped and she said that she thought that I knew her. I said that I was glad that I made her curious and that she stopped... I was getting worried because my wife didn't get off work for another three hours... And I doubt that she would have helped me down without much laughing and pictures and a lecture on taking my cellphone with me. (the mystery woman asked the same thing. I said that I was 'only going to be there for a few minutes' which prompted a smile and a laugh. I think we made each others day that day)

The damned wind can do a whole lot to embarrass someone...

So, if you see a man waving on a roof, dressed in Under Armor and sandals and you wonder what the hell he could be doing up there, just sigh, chuckle, and say 'not again' and please stop and rescue him... It might be me...