You may not have heard yet if you listen to the Liberal Media™ instead of Fox News, but This Great Nation™ is seriously threatened by at least three different groups of people who Aren't Like Us™.
- A filthy swarm of Mexicans who are having anchor babies, stealing our jobs, and won't learn goddamned English.
- A shadowy host of fearsome Muslim terrorist-wannabes lurking in our very midst (including, but not limited to, the ones who wanna teach their future-suicide-bomber young'uns how to cook and swim a mere four blocks from the Hallowed Ground™ of Ground Zero™)
- Those swishy, showtune-loving', leather-wearin' gay-marryin' fags. Always with the gay-marryin' fags.
Now, I'll bet if we looked hard enough, we'd find other groups of people who threaten The American Way of Life™. Fifth, Sixth, maybe even Seventh and Eighth Columns out there, poised to do us in. But let's just start with these three.
You know what we oughtta do?
We oughtta open some goddamned camps, that's what we oughtta do.
My fellow citizens, I've got good news.
Thanks to the level-headed planning and foresight of America's greatest military, civilian, and judicial minds during WWII, we've already got established permission to round up and detain suspicious folks who flock together and threaten this white, Christian, English-speaking, heterosexual nation.
You heard me right.
In Korematsu vs. United States, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that This Great Nation™ has every right to round up, relocate, and keep a damned close watch over people who might be a threat. Or to whom we might be a threat. (The arguments for internment and relocation ran the gamut from "We're keeping us safe from their potential traitorousness" to "We're keeping them safe from anti-Japanese sentiment, because really, we just can't expect people not to go on wholesale Japanese-hunting parties.")
Short version of the Korematsu decision: Internment camps are totally constitutional.
The Korematsu decision has never been overturned.
Another historical artifact that just needs a bit of Wite-Out and Revision
So, I'm thinking we'll need a couple of different kinds of camps. To start.
- Clearly the first pressing need is for Muslim Camps. I mean, sure, religious freedom and all, but if these people want to go and worship some false idol named Allah, they ought to have the good will and decency to do it where we can keep a close watch on them. I mean, do we really know what their Imams are saying in all those mosques across This Great Nation™ ? Especially the ones that aren't within a ten-minute walk of Where The Twin Towers Used To Stand™? I think the Korematsu rationale could be easily applied here. Yeah, I know, it's a War on Terror™, not a War on Islam (yet), but still. Slam dunk.
- Next up: Illegal Immigrant Camps. Now, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the first person to come up with this idea. That'd be Marg "Barking Mad" Barker, Tea Party Candidate for state house in Florida. While I admire Marg's into-the-box thinking, these camps may be tougher to justify under the auspices of Korematsu, because we're not currently at war with Illegal Immigrants™. Or Mexico. (I'm assuming when she talked about Illegal Immigrants, she meant the Mexican ones. Not the ones like that Canadian guy I dated a few times in 2003 who was here illegally and actively hiding from Immigration.) I suppose we could declare war on Mexico to speed up the process of removing this particular threat to Our Way of Life™ (Note to self: Send that suggestion to the White House. And by the way, bitches: It's called the WHITE House for a reason).
Which leaves the Gay Camps.
Unfortunately, that one's a real stumper. I'm not entirely sure how Korematsu would enable us to Take Our Country Back™ from those rainbow-flag-wavin' homosexual freaks.
OK, for that problem, maybe what we oughtta do is build a bunch of really awesome-looking buildings that look like chapels and tell 'em those are special places where they all can get Gay-Married.
Then when they get there?