Verbal Remedy AKA Denise

Verbal Remedy AKA Denise
Del Mar, California, The One That's In A State Of Steep Decline
January 18
Much preferred to the alternative.
Born. Grew up. Kept growing up. Started growing older. Still at both the growing up and growing older. Stay tuned.


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APRIL 26, 2010 8:00PM

...So I Get This Phonecall At 10 pm...

Rate: 50 Flag

...and clearly, the man is drunk.

I'm not talking one-or-two-beers drunk.

I'm talking 3-martinis-and-the-whole-damned-bottle-of-olives drunk.

Not-quite-slurry-but-not-even-close-to-crisp-of-tongue-either drunk. drunk.

In the interests of full disclosure: This is not the first time I've talked to the man, but it is the first time he's called me. I've met him already, seen him in person several times over the past few months at work. We met (actually flirted a bit) in November or December, at a "Thank You" party for the volunteer piano players (of which he is one). I've stopped by a few times since then, on my way out of the hospital, to say "Hi" and listen.

And despite everything that I'm about to relay here, I've gotta give credit where it's due, Kittens. The guy has a lovely smile and gives good eye contact. Otherwise I'd have never shot him my digits when he requested them.

When he turned up in my "Daily 5" 'round about a month ago, I thought, what the hell. May as well nod and say "hey," even though it turns out he's 15 years older than I am and I had my search parameters firmly parked on No More Than 6 Years' Difference Either Way.

I'd had no idea how old he was during our workplace acquaintance--I'd have initially placed him well inside that window. Which he did himself, by listing his age as much younger for database-search purposes, but he did 'fess right up in the first line of the profile. "I'm really 57, but I'm saying 48 because I don't want to be weeded out." Hm. OK. Fair enough. Anyway, I'd have probably said he's "well preserved," but after the conversation we had, I'm switching to "pickled."

Douchebag*: "Hey, Denise. It's Douchebag." [drunken giggle]

(*Not his real name. Hereafter shortening to DB to save keystrokes.)

Denise: [Triple-checking time] "..."

DB: "..."

Denise: "Uhm. Douchebag, when I gave you my phone number, numbskull, I figured you'd use it a) within four or five days, b) not at 10 pm, and c) sober. "Uhm. Hi."

DB: "So, what are you doing?"

Denise: "I'm, uhm. Getting ready to go to sleep. Have an early day tomorrow."

DB: "Oh."

Denise: "...   Yeah. Uhm."

DB: "So, wow. I can't believe you're on Match."

Denise:  "As of this very moment, Douchebag, I can't believe I am either. Yeah, well, I haven't been for very long. Just a couple of weeks, really."

DB: "Oh. Because I wouldn't have recognized you."

Denise: "..."

[Here I shall abridge the next few awkward halting minutes of small talk that ran the gamut from his gym schedule to his lament that so few women on Match look as good as their pictures, with a quick side trip into how difficult it is to meet quality women online.]

DB: "So, uh, what are you doing this weekend?"

Denise: Oh, thank Dog I have a solid answer for this one. "I'm going out with a Match."

DB: "For coffee?"

Denise: "No, on a date."

DB: "Have you met him for coffee already?"

Denise: "Er, no. But we've talked on the phone..."

DB: "You're going out on a date and you haven't even met for coffee?" [drunken flabbergast-ish laughter]

Denise: "Y...eee.....ssssss....?"

DB: "I can't believe you're doing that. I mean, how can you tell if there's any chemistry? What if there's no chemistry? You're going on a date without having coffee first?" [more flabbergastish laughter]

Denise: "Well...uhm. Yeah. We've also communicated a lot in email too which is more than I can say about you, considering your terse 15-word initial email asking for my phone number."

DB: "Email and phone don't tell you anything. You've gotta have chemistry. "

Denise: "..."

DB: "I've got a coffee date tomorrow right before I come to the hospital."

Denise: "That's cool. Uhm, good luck."

DB: "Thanks. I hope this one looks like her profile picture. Most of them don't, though."

Denise: "Hoo boy. Yeah. You said that. Uhm, hey, Douchebag*, I've gotta go. Early meeting."

DB: "Ok."

Denise: "If I, uhm. If I'm in the building when you're playing I'll stop down and say 'hi.'"

DB: "You do that!"

Denise: "OK. G'night, Douchebag."

[Checking clock: It's 10:12. This conversation has been, hands down, one of the most awkward 12 minutes of my entire adult life.]

Here's the thing.

I'm actually incredibly grateful to Douchebag.

For one thing, finding out his real age got me the hell over myself.

The guy I was meeting that weekend for the first time was another guy who fell outside my arbitrary age parameters. But he'd written a really, really good introductory email, with lots and lots of words arranged in lots and lots of interesting ways that made me smile in lots and lots of places. And...all the punctuation was in all the right places. HOT.

Chemistry or no chemistry, it was clear that this guy and I were going to have a lot to talk about and laugh about, and I really didn't feel the need for an "out."

Long story short, I didn't take Drunken Douchebag's advice. 

We didn't meet for coffee first. We didn't afford ourselves the option of a quick escape.

Fools that we are, we dove right in.

I suppose it could have been excruciatingly awkward, but it wasn't.

Quite the opposite, in fact. It was, in fact, very much like meeting an old friend for the first time.

Postscript: Yesterday, I changed my profile on Facebook to "In a Relationship."

It certainly isn't with Douchebag.


And yeah.

Beakersful of chemistry.


Yes. I know they're flasks, not beakers.


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Rock ON! Hooray! You go girl!

(Dude, that is so cool . . . fingers crossed for you to have some serious fun!)
Denise, "Better Living Through Chemistry"--!!
Yay! I'm glad I'm happily married, but the dating thing can be loads of fun too...Enjoy the chemistry experiment.
Chemistry is the key to life itself! You go!
Wonderful! Enjoy the rush!
This was hilarious. Best of luck with the new guy!
And to's all because of Drunken Douchebag. (OK, not really...but it makes a good narrative frame, right?)

Thanks, guys. We're Silly Happy. Springtime in San Diego is a lovely time to get to know somebody you feel like you already know.
Fine and grand. Best wishes to the both of you.
Congratulations! It's nice to know that better living through chemistry is more than a slogan of the chemical manufacturing industry. :-)

You'll also have to fill us in later on DB, when you bump into him again. Will he remember the conversation? Will he remember it as a rousing success?
Funny!! and I'm doing a little happy dance for you finding someone you like. that's great to hear.

I have to say, though, after having gone on hundreds of personal ad dates myself, I'm with Douchebag in that I found email and phone was NO guarantee of chemistry - - and by that, I don't just mean physical attraction but the whole shebang. And there were guys who seemed great at a distance, but in person - hoo boy. So I learned the value of the coffee date by hard experience. In fact, I often wished it was a 5 minute date vs. the obligatory one hour over a cup deal.....

So, I think you got lucky. But you deserve it!
Here's to alcohol free chemistry! =o)

And to Douchebags who reveal themselves as such before you make a huge emotional investment in them.
Awww. (Inserting smiling face)
Screw chemistry. It's all about physics.
Funny story, heartwarming ending. But....I can't get over that you think 10 pm is late!
Some folks seem to take a while to figure that stuff out. Others can figure it out quite quickly, I think.
Hate the drunken phone calls. I've received them from friends' husbands, co-workers, and other colleagues. There's a certain pattern to the drunken phone call, almost a cadence. A painful, awkward cadence.

And yay for beakersful of chemistry!
Alright! Congratulations!
This is all so....wonderful! I'd go with chemistry over douchebag any time!

Smiling a big one.
Aw. Thanks, everybody. [blush]
oh how I know silly happy. best wishes.
You are wonderful and deserve as well. I am so glad you are happy and having a good time.
So that's the story. What a great one. :) Chemistry is such a wonderful thing - I hope he gives you butterflies and loves your fine mind.
You dodged the bullet with DB. Rock on!
Oh yum! YAAAAAY! :)

YAY! I, too, appreciated a well-written profile and email to start. Way to go!
One CANNOT underestimate the importance of good chemistry. I'm very happy for you.
Nothing says "hawt" like good punctuation.
how fun is this!
happy trails to you
Fantastic! Really awesome....Rated.
Nothing says hot chemistry like a drunk dialin' douchebag. NOT. xoxo
Everyone is so happy, and my insrinct keeps calling out. "Be careful!" Sorry to be a slow-poker. But I have been there and done that and I want you to take care XO Kelly
Consider yourself lucky. I keep getting that 3 am phone call from Hillary Clinton.
Ba-ha-ha-ha!!! I'm so glad you didn't listen to DB and you're now "facebook official" with "he-who-is-not-DB." :D Awesome.
The new guy sounds so much better than douchebag! But maybe you should screen your calls from now on :)
Happy for you Denise. Great story - good luck with it all.
Good for you, I hope the chemistry sticks. I'm with Silkstone, and have learned that as good as they may seem in emails and phone calls, it's just no guarantee and I wouldn't ever commit myself to more than a drink on a first meeting. Sounds like you got lucky though and I hope it works out!
Love those beakersful of chemistry. Here's to better living!
I am so darned touched by all the warm wishes, you guys.


Now that I've gotten this out, maybe I'll be able to get back to my regularly scheduled blogging...
Drinking and dialing. Didn't the Thomas Hayden Church character in Sideways warn about that? Another one learns the lesson the hard way. Or maybe not.
Hope he isn't married.
Douchebag was obviously not a Chemistry major. Thanks for giving one of us old farts a fightin' chance -- I think you'll find we can be interesting at least, and we don't care all that much if you look like your picture -- as long as you're interesting, too.
i assume this is the same guy you were alluding to when you told cartouche mr. wonderful had a brother. and, whether it is or not, i'm smiling for you, kiddo. have a blast. ;
Wonderful story. Easy, fun read with many relevant points tossed throughout. I bet you could have called him douchebag throughout the conversation - if you said it quickly - and he wouldn't have even known what hit him.

I'm glad you're being a proactive dater. I keep waiting for men to fall in my lap...literally at this point, I'm hoping.
I felt like I could have written this..... ;)
Snoopy dance!! Snoopy dance!!! Snoopy dance!!!

Beakers-full - way cool!!! Enjoy :)
Go get him, Denise! He's your's for the taking!;-)
Done the bizarre phone calls myself, so I do appreciate the painful awkwardness. Happy to say am happily married to a "wink" from He treats me wonderfully, even the days I don't deserve it. Go for it! You never know.
Talk about throwing caution to the wind. Good for you! Ole douchebag really made you appreciate {insert name here}. Here's to mutual enjoyment while getting to know each other.
Late to this Denise, but best wishes. I hope things go well.