Verbal Remedy AKA Denise

Verbal Remedy AKA Denise
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Del Mar, California, The One That's In A State Of Steep Decline
Birthday
January 18
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Columnist, http://www.doesthismakesense.com
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Much preferred to the alternative.
Bio
Born. Grew up. Kept growing up. Started growing older. Still at both the growing up and growing older. Stay tuned.

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APRIL 2, 2010 6:44PM

An Ode To My Lackeys

Rate: 34 Flag

I've got lackeys, y'all.

And I gotta tell you, they're great to have. I highly recommend lackeys for all your personal procurement needs. Really.

I mean, for $6.58 a month, my lackeys bring me nearly every nonrefrigerated thing I could ever possibly want or need. To my door. It's like magic. I use and abuse them shamelessly.

The moment I realize I need something, it's time to dispatch the lackeys.  Nothing is too small, too niggling, too trivial. Light bulb burned out? Need to replace a watch battery? Running low on deoodorant? Dish detergent? Paper towels? String?

Dispatch the lackeys.

amazon-prime-sparkle
 

If Amazon ever discontinues Prime service, you will see me spiral into a depression the likes of which hasn't been seen in my world since they replaced Joel with some randomly annoying doctor (and his whiny wife) on Northern Exposure. 

I've had the membership since 2007.  You pony up $79 once a year, and then the whole wide world of free two-day shipping opens up before you.

I can count on one hand the number of times per year I've voluntarily entered a retail establishment for a necessity in the past three years.  It happens so rarely that  I actually have grown to resent having to to GET IN THE CAR and PARK and GO INSIDE A STORE and DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE SHOPPING (MOST OF WHOM ARE STUPID AND SLOW AND ARE FAILING TO CORRAL THEIR WILD-RUNNING CHILDREN) and GET IN LINE and PAY and CARRY SOMETHING back to the car and then SCHLEP IT UPSTAIRS.

Dear heavens, how do other people do it!?

My lackeys spoil me rotten, and I don't pay them a dime. Anthony, the mailman, is the only lackey whose name I know. But there are other faceless, nameless lackeys, too. UPS lackeys. FedEx lackeys. DHL lackeys.

In the last six months, my lackeys have delivered the all of the following to my front door. Their service includes climbing a rather precarious flight of stairs.

  • A lovely and useful little Black and Decker cordless drill
  • A 40-lb. tilt-and-swivel flatscreen wall mount
  • 10 lbs. of hay for the guinea pigs
  • A 4-pack of antiperspirant
  • Batteries of all kinds of weird shapes and sizes, as needed
  • Two replacement heads for the Sonicare
  • A pair of jeans (the lackey also took those back, because they were way too big)
  • An entire set of flatware that came in six boxes
  • Two sets of canisters
  • A paper towel holder
  • A spoonrest
  • A cutlery organizer
  • Magnetic knife holders
  • A USB microphone
  • Superglue
  • A hot little pair of Fluevogs

fluevogs

  • A can of Restor-A-Finish (Walnut)
  • Assorted foundation garments in hard-to-find sizes
  • A set of acrylic paints
  • Copper switchplates
  • A home theatre system
  • A TiVo
  • Blankets
  • Sheets
  • Adam Lambert's "For Your Entertainment" and Mika's "The Boy Who Knew Too Much" (two highly effective road-rage deterrents)
  • Several DVDs
  • Leave-in conditioner
  • Computer speakers
  • A pocket breathalyzer (highly recommended for anybody who has just lost 35-40 lbs. and no longer has the same tolerance she once did)
  • Vacuum bags
  • Three kinds of tea
  • Another hot little pair of Fluevogs

fluevogs 2

  • Spa chemicals
  • An anti-bark dog collar
  • Various and sundry books

Which reminds me.

I need a few pairs of reading glasses.

My lackeys will bring them to me on Monday.

 

 

 

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Holy crap, am I first?
Um, well, see, I was so excited about that I forgot to tell you how much I loved this. And which guinea pig will wear the anti-bark dog collar? (So glad the jeans were too big).
You're first! You're first! :-)

The collar was for Dax, silly. Purchased after The Night(s) Of The Amorous Raccoons. Worked.
We've used it too. Hardly set foot in a store for Christmas related purposes the last two years. Now on to more important things:

"Joel with some randomly annoying doctor (and his whiny wife) on Northern Exposure."

That's when they jumped the shark, though she was mega-cute.
Does the anti bark collar spray citronella or does it zap?

I have bought 40lb bags of dog food on Amazon! And for less money than at the petco, or the pet store.

Love those Fluevogs!
Hmmmm, do they deliver everywhere? The wilds of Colorado?
Ah, thanks for reminding me. String.

:-)
When you break it out like that, it's a helluva value, really. On top of that, you get to skip the annoyance factor? Priceless.
Wow. I might just subscribe to that service from Amazon. I am a total book addict.
I hate shopping, too. I resent the idea that you must like it if you are female. Sometimes I like buying a gift for someone, but grocery shopping, clothes shopping, housewares shopping, ugh!
and why exactly did i not know about lackeys before this? behind the times i am (sorry to sound like yoda). will remedy immediatement.

oh, and am i relieved. i thought it said "a set of acrylic pants." whew.
Denise, I remember when the Prime service was introduced, but in all of these years since that time the free shipping has worked perfectly for me. I typically receive the book or whatever I ordered, in two days anyway.
mmmm...hot shoes indeed.
Shame on you for keeping this secret for so long. At least you finally came clean.
Based on your taste in music and shoes alone, I would do anything you said to do....
I wonder what the mental health of the lackeys comes in at? Is it like postal workers who go ballistic? Just remember Denise, do not open the door!
R
Oh yeah, I just recently read your profile, and I noticed you are the blogger formerly known as VR, and I am curious, have you been hanging out with the artist formerly known as Prince? I'm probably not the 1st to ask, and I always think that I'm way more clever than I am...sorry!
So now you have to go to People of Walmart to see what real people look like? Because while you've been huddled over your laptop in your swanky shoes, we've been multiplying!!!!
I'm always amazed at the variety of stuff you can buy on Amazon. By the way, nice job: you managed to get Rob St. Amant to come out of hiding. Hi Rob! (waving)
even the men's Fluevogs are cool!
Happy shopping tp You!
I buy most non-grocery stuff online these days, too. With the recession, most retailers offer free shipping (even without this kind of membership), there's no sales tax and they often offer specials of 10-20% off their prices...which are already lower than in most stores. I'm not buying much these days but essentials, but I buy most of my drugstore and other non-perishable items that way. And yes, they bring it to my door. You're right - it's great.
This is rediculous! You can't tell me you don't miss the lines at Walmart and Target ... and the odors ... and the cultural diversity (as you learn other languages). All of that is important to anybody's social intercourse ... or do you send your lackies for that, too. ;-) Hah!

Oh, well, Denise ... to each his/her own. And remember, always tip the driver. It's their only income ... that and bartending on weekends. {{{R}}}
I hate that I have to try everything on. Including shoes.
However, all the other stuff--I am totally with you!
Now I must go look at Fluevogs--LOVE the red ones!
I'm so vain. I probably thought this post was about me.
:-P
I love shopping online. I hate malls so very much. I am waiting right now for some books I ordered. Funny and like your list of cool stuff!
funny, but practical. Absurd, but true.
I feel positively Neanderthal for not knowing about this!_r
LOVE the Fluevogs, happy the pants were too big.
I'm sure I use more then $79 worth of annual car gas shopping. And the freedom from having to strategise to qualify for free shipping. Hmmm...
Ohh, I want lackeys. Thanks for this news to someone who just likes to get into the stores and pretend to be a rich lady.
How come I've never heard of this, and do they deliver to caves?
Lackeys. I can get behind the having of lackeys. Can I get minions, too? *They* would do the laundry and put it away, cook, clean... yeah, I definitely want minions. Lackeys to bring me things, minions to deal with the things. Yup.
Lackeys and Minion, Oh My! Actually the NYT just had an article (or I just found the article yesterday) that many companies are hiring "unpaid interns" and in fact, exploiting them as free labor. They don't teach them anything, just get them to file. So--just incorporate yourself and hang out a sign: "interns wanted" and see if you can some OS interns. You know, people who can search You-Tube for videos and watch Rush for a few things to disagree with and find some cute photos. If you don't have a cat or dog, they can take pictures of someone else's pets for you. And all that tag-writing----how tedious. That'll pay them back for going to a "real" university.
Lackeys, indeed. I never figured out a good title for those needed assistants. Thanks for a fun read, and have a great week.
If you shop in person these days, you become the lackey. I had lunch the other day at an "edgy" (read: dirty) punk diner in Boston. I ordered chili and the woman with the nose ring handed it to me. I took a bite--cold. I told the woman they forgot to heat it and she pointed me to a microwave across the room and said "You do it yourself here." True story.
Well...I actually like running errands. Weird, I know. Maybe a hazard of being a parent in a smallish town without much going on. And you never know what mysterious item will be waiting for you on the clearance shelf at Target. Did I mention there's not much to do here? LOL BTW - love those shoes...
Absolutely ! I'm right there with you. I never shop in stores; I don't suffer fools gladly, so that is probably for the best. I love my Amazon. Coming home to find present on the doorstep is fabulous. Even when they're from me.
Rated.
Denise dear ... this is a life-style thing ... works for you, doesn't work for me. If you or anybody else could figure out how to provide such cheap lackey service that would solve my needs though ... I'd jump at it in an instant.

The big difference here is that I am THE LACKEY to 'she who must be obeyed" (well sorta) ... the 15-year-old princess of most of what she surveys.

She doesn't buy a lot of stuff that Amazon sells ... thank god, books are about it ... and that's fine. Don't ever even think about driving past a tack shop (horsey supply store) she hasn't seen before though. There are plenty of on-line tack supply places ... the princess browses through them on-line ... but she knows that dad isn't going to spring for the new Devon saddle (I just bought a truck in decent shape that cost half what that saddle costs!)

And don't even begin to think about buying horses and ponies ... which if she could ... she'd own them all.

Find me a lackey that will drive her and her buddies to three different barns all over the Smallbany area, hang around and shovel manure and pick hooves ... and stay out of the barn people politics (which incidentally is a lot easier if you are male ) ... that's what I want, but can't afford.

And oh yeah ... can drive a horse trailer and load and unload horses with nobody (and no horses) getting hurt.

Some men find one by marrying one ... but they have a lot of money ... and I don't.