I've got lackeys, y'all.
And I gotta tell you, they're great to have. I highly recommend lackeys for all your personal procurement needs. Really.
I mean, for $6.58 a month, my lackeys bring me nearly every nonrefrigerated thing I could ever possibly want or need. To my door. It's like magic. I use and abuse them shamelessly.
The moment I realize I need something, it's time to dispatch the lackeys. Nothing is too small, too niggling, too trivial. Light bulb burned out? Need to replace a watch battery? Running low on deoodorant? Dish detergent? Paper towels? String?
Dispatch the lackeys.
If Amazon ever discontinues Prime service, you will see me spiral into a depression the likes of which hasn't been seen in my world since they replaced Joel with some randomly annoying doctor (and his whiny wife) on Northern Exposure.
I've had the membership since 2007. You pony up $79 once a year, and then the whole wide world of free two-day shipping opens up before you.
I can count on one hand the number of times per year I've voluntarily entered a retail establishment for a necessity in the past three years. It happens so rarely that I actually have grown to resent having to to GET IN THE CAR and PARK and GO INSIDE A STORE and DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE SHOPPING (MOST OF WHOM ARE STUPID AND SLOW AND ARE FAILING TO CORRAL THEIR WILD-RUNNING CHILDREN) and GET IN LINE and PAY and CARRY SOMETHING back to the car and then SCHLEP IT UPSTAIRS.
Dear heavens, how do other people do it!?
My lackeys spoil me rotten, and I don't pay them a dime. Anthony, the mailman, is the only lackey whose name I know. But there are other faceless, nameless lackeys, too. UPS lackeys. FedEx lackeys. DHL lackeys.
In the last six months, my lackeys have delivered the all of the following to my front door. Their service includes climbing a rather precarious flight of stairs.
- A lovely and useful little Black and Decker cordless drill
- A 40-lb. tilt-and-swivel flatscreen wall mount
- 10 lbs. of hay for the guinea pigs
- A 4-pack of antiperspirant
- Batteries of all kinds of weird shapes and sizes, as needed
- Two replacement heads for the Sonicare
- A pair of jeans (the lackey also took those back, because they were way too big)
- An entire set of flatware that came in six boxes
- Two sets of canisters
- A paper towel holder
- A spoonrest
- A cutlery organizer
- Magnetic knife holders
- A USB microphone
- A hot little pair of Fluevogs
- A can of Restor-A-Finish (Walnut)
- Assorted foundation garments in hard-to-find sizes
- A set of acrylic paints
- Copper switchplates
- A home theatre system
- A TiVo
- Adam Lambert's "For Your Entertainment" and Mika's "The Boy Who Knew Too Much" (two highly effective road-rage deterrents)
- Several DVDs
- Leave-in conditioner
- Computer speakers
- A pocket breathalyzer (highly recommended for anybody who has just lost 35-40 lbs. and no longer has the same tolerance she once did)
- Vacuum bags
- Three kinds of tea
- Another hot little pair of Fluevogs
- Spa chemicals
- An anti-bark dog collar
- Various and sundry books
Which reminds me.
I need a few pairs of reading glasses.
My lackeys will bring them to me on Monday.