This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X
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Comments
Usually two aleve and an hour of good thrashing around makes me feel better.
If only orgasms could cure a fever, shit.
Pawed, this is great!
rated
She didn't think I was funny.
The fact that Always hopes to help women have "happy periods" is not to say that they think periods are a fun time, but that they hope their products will help things not be so irritating and messy.
Get over it.
BTW, anyone who thinks this is over-exaggerating, I invite you to hang out with my sister the week before her period. Then we'll talk.
Not to offend anybody, the world needs variety after all, but personally, I find that the inconvenience or discomfort of a monthly period is easily offset by my gratitude that I am a woman. Have you seriously considered the alternative? Men are great to have around, but I wouldn't want to live like that.
http://wendiaarons.com/about
While I bet she wrote this, I doubt it actually surfaced from the email vault of Proctor and Gamble themselves as that would be a betrayal to their customers who give them feedback. More likely, Wendi wrote this and it's origins have become an internet myth.
Cramps so bad I had to barf, and couldn't move. Every time. No. Not "happy". Nor funny, for that matter. But your work here is that hilarious, i'm going to share it. people have to hear about this.
Rated
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If that's what she can produce when Aunt Flo is on her way, and she is having her cramps, just imagine what would she write on other days of the month. F-16 wouldn't be enough. She would have the wings of the Discovery.
The all comments combined will make one funny post.
This is a winner.
Is today first of April?
krankygurlz@krankies.net
or call
951-547-1837
Do YOU have an Idea for a new "Kranky Quote" tell us what it is and we may use it on an upcoming design. Post your comments and ideas now.
This idea came about when we noticed that in our opinion, feminine hygiene commercials had taken a turn for the RIDICULOUS. We felt as though commercials were taking an already somewhat awkward subject (and for what reason) adding singing, dancing, cartwheels and more to encourage women to be “happy” about “that time of the month.” I mean I know they need to advertise, but I never thought I would see the day when I would be relaxing in front of the TV and suddenly out of nowhere a pad would be riding a simulated bull, become a rollercoaster, or even worse, save the day of sunbathers by plugging up a leaking water tower! I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of the Feminine Hygiene Network popping up on my cable tv lineup. So exasperated by these painfully unclever commercials the idea for www.Krankies Ink. was born!!!
The Official Kranky Daze Headquarters
http://www.lifestyle-after50.com/anti-aging.html
For the record Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Ok, they need to advertise, but I never thought I would be relaxing in front of the tv with my husband and suddenly out of nowhere a pad would be riding a simulated bull, become a roller coaster, or even worse, save the day of sunbathers by plugging up a leaking water tower! These ads appear so often I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of the Feminine Hygiene Network popping up on my cable tv lineup! So exasperated by these painfully unclever commercials the idea for Krankies Ink. was born!
Our cute & comfy Krankies ink. apparel and products, designed using feel good fabrics of American Apparel and Fruit of the Loom with your comfort in mind express the misery being shared by women in every home, office high school and dorm around the world. Maybe your Mom shared the facts of life with you but, did she tell you that once a month you should put up danger signs for innocent by standers?
So to all you Kranky gurlz out there you know who you are. Treat yourself or someone you love to krankies, and UNITE with Kranky gurlz around the world!
KRANKIES INK. is a line of products and apparel that finally gives a humorous voice to the ridiculousness and misery of “that time of the month” It is being able to wear what you want to tell a friend, or scream at a boyfriend or husband. Women everywhere will identify with Krankies. Our clothing is comfy and is a great gift for those you know and love. At last products that will comfort you, let you know, your not alone, and express how you feel during those darn KRANKY DAZE!!!
http://www.krankiesink.com/category/kranky-daze-stories/
http://krankies.net/Welcome.html
Ok, they need to advertise, but I never thought I would be relaxing in front of the tv with my husband and suddenly out of nowhere a pad would be riding a simulated bull, become a roller coaster, or even worse, save the day of sunbathers by plugging up a leaking water tower! These ads appear so often I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of the Feminine Hygiene Network popping up on my cable tv lineup! So exasperated by these painfully unclever commercials the idea for Krankies Ink. was born!
Our cute & comfy Krankies ink. apparel and products, designed using feel good fabrics of American Apparel and Fruit of the Loom with your comfort in mind express the misery being shared by women in every home, office high school and dorm around the world. Maybe your Mom shared the facts of life with you but, did she tell you that once a month you should put up danger signs for innocent by standers?
So to all you Kranky gurlz out there you know who you are. Treat yourself or someone you love to krankies, and UNITE with Kranky gurlz around the world!
KRANKIES INK. is a line of products and apparel that finally gives a humorous voice to the ridiculousness and misery of “that time of the month” It is being able to wear what you want to tell a friend, or scream at a boyfriend or husband. Women everywhere will identify with Krankies. Our clothing is comfy and is a great gift for those you know and love. At last products that will comfort you, let you know, your not alone, and express how you feel during those darn KRANKY DAZE!!!
http://www.krankiesink.com/category/kranky-daze-stories/
http://krankies.net/Welcome.html
Best,
Li
I have never looked at the brand that helps me through a tough time as anything but a brand. To say that you are happy that there is a F16 in your pants.... seriously I don't think I can ever go buy maxi-pads without having that image in my head.
WOW!WOW!WOW!
Al
http://www.dancesalsaintoronto.com
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/always.asp
We here know about that site however, we don't need to be made to climb someone's upturned nose in order to be talked down to.
The entire thing was funny for the rest of us without the link to snopes.
Okay?
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/always.asp
I no longer need these things with wings
But Tena is a daily need
After Surgeons knife I did need
Always make these pads too
But Tena's best I think is True
x x x Well Done X x X
I cringed with all the sympathy I could imagine.
Rated, Liked, Linked.
i really liked this post :)
How to Attract Ladies
there are a lot of products on sale. Which one is better for 48 years old mom? Handbag,glasses or biniki? Please help.
I just noticed . . . our from Ellicott City, Maryland. Great.
That's only a one hour and twenty minutes ride from here.
Robert H. Deluty and some old Friends I know live there.
I remember an 'Enchanted Forrest' and the 'Double T' eatery.
The 'Double T' diner makes one great Vegetable Egg Omelet.
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cc
I remember when I taught elementary school and had bought a bargain brand. I kept hearing the rustling of gum wrappers and would whirl around trying to catch the fifth grader who dared to break the classroom injunction against Bubble Yum. Then I realized the rustling was coming from my own nether regions and the cheap maxi's plastic lining. Oy.
"only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps."
"Aunt-Flo".. genius. HAHAHAHAAAA
Paradise Valley Arizona