I haven't written diddly for a while. Its making me nervous. Who am I kidding? Ok., more nervous. The past few days it feels like any loud noise might make me jump out of my own skin. Then I'd be walking around like one of those adorable little Ahlberg skeletons, no protective covering around me. As it is, the protective covering is thin to negligible at the moment. If somebody looks at me crosseyed today and I'm liable to burst into tears (figuratively speaking) or verbally kick their butt into next Monday. Be forewarned.
“ The situation with Amenhotep is getting to you,” FOTI tells me. Of course he's an idiot, knows not of what he speaks and is, in fact, completely wrong. I am worried about The Prince of Darkness, who is coping as best he can, which is not well at all. I'm worried about Imp 1 getting housing for the school term in September. I'm worried about FOTI's weight even though he isn't worried about it at all. I've got plenty to worry about and keep me nervous. Why should I be disturbed about the impending demise of the pharaoh? We'd written each other off a long time ago.
Last night Hariang, the yoga teacher had us do a kriya or series of exercises she calls “the complete overhaul”. It basically cures what ails you. I thought this would be a good thing, maybe it would get me out my nervous straits and to a little island of calm. Thank goodness there was no bow pose involved, however we did get treated to a few minutes of “the plow”. Earlier this year I discovered I could do the bow pose with slight difficulty, but I still hate it. “The plow” is beyond me. I'm a good yogini, I tried. My feeble attempts got me a splitting headache so all other exercises which involved my head being lower than my heart (i.e. bending over) were out of bounds. I got to sit or stand and meditate a lot last night.
I meditated on compassion but the “folding the flag” scene from the musical “Hair” kept tugging at the corners of my mind. This brought my thoughts directly back to Amenhotep, who served in the USMC from 1958-61, is and remains a “my country right or wrong” type.
The calm descended and I was able to put my feelings aside to explore the concept of Amenhotep. He is a person who, as we all do, does the best he can with what was given him by way of birth and by way of experience. I was able to see that all the anger I was feeling toward him has been an anchor in my life. Once he is gone, will the anger disappear too? Where will it go?
FOTI may be right, in a way. I really am not upset at losing my father. He's disowned me by saying “You aren't my daughter if...” or “Peggy, I'm done with her, she's your daughter from now on...” or “I don't care what you do, you're no daughter of mine...” most of my life and quite literally; neither I nor the Imps are included in his will. In this respect I lost my father a long time ago. I think my unease at Amenhotep's impending demise has more to do with a major emotional shift going on: I am going to lose the focus of enormous anger. It has been around as long as I can remember and learning to live without it is a step into the big unknown. It makes me a little nervous.