This will be the inaugural issue of Ask Uncle Brain, a sporadically published advice column where I tell the news whatfor.
Dear Jessica Simpson,
Why do you hate America? You are disgustingly obese, and should never be seen in public again, ever, apparently. You give small children nightmares, and every time you eat a Twinkie, an Indian kid dies of starvation. Even our President has made fun of you! And he can do no wrong!