It starts with a niggling feeling in the back of my mind. That's the best way I know to describe it - a niggling feeling. Nothing distinct about it, just a nebulous uneasiness. In fact, it is almost so indistinct as to go unnoticed. Almost.
Try as I may to pay it no mind, there is an insistence implied, a persistent tapping on my subconscious - pay attention, I am not going away. "Shake it off," I say to myself, "don't give it another thought." But I do. I do give it a thought. Something aggravating this way comes.
There is no nail on which I can hang this free-floating irritation. Well, perhaps that's not exactly the truth. More to the point, there are too many nails, too many causes, too much generalized anxiety that is claiming my attention and whittling away at my peace of mind. I want to label it, identify a single cause so that I can address it and make it go away. It's the state of the economy, it's the pre-election frenzy, it's the jobless (non) recovery, it's this, it's that.
On a personal level, it could be the pressure of trying to sell what no one's buying, or wondering what that spot on my arm could be. It could be any number of things, none of them really deserving of my jittery attention. It could be all or none of these things. So why can't I shake it?
I find myself spoiling for a fight, taking everything personally. Relax, relax, RELAX! Why the hell can't I just relax? Instead I gravitate toward those things that push my buttons. I rush to judgment, I refuse to walk away, I leave no slight unperceived.
Perhaps this post is my version of sitting myself down and giving myself a good talking-to. I have everything to be grateful for, untold blessings, I am fortunate beyond measure. Come down off that ledge, dammit.
I'd like to close the door on this... this phase. I'd like to believe it's just a phase. I want to believe it's temporary and time will be the magic amulet that will set things right again.
But, there is that niggling feeling...