The victim lay on the back porch, body ripped and torn and barely recognizable as Mel’s faithful companion, Ms. Shoe….first name House. We both stood over the body in muted horror. It had been quite some time since a crime of this level of violence had happened here on Almosta Ranch and I could tell that Mel was about to go on the warpath. She would leave no stone unturned in her attempt to bring the criminal to justice.
Suspects? Oh we had plenty of those, ten in fact and Mel wasted no time in calling them all in from their dog yard. One by one they filed into the house. Like all criminals each of them exhibited some degree of nervous guilt as they walked past us at the back door. The only question was, which was guilty of THIS crime.
Who killed Ms. Shoe, on the back porch, with their teeth?
I had my own ideas but I stood back and let my partner Mel take the lead in the interrogation. After all she had long regaled me with tales of how she had cracked similar crimes with her rather unique methods and this was my chance to see it work first hand.
Mel gave them a few minutes alone in the living room. They milled about nervously, knowing something was up, trying to get their stories straight before they were questioned. Then Mel strode into the room, all business. Hands on hips, body stiff and eyes staring at each dog closely, she was definitely giving off a “No time for bullshit” vibe to the poor animals who were instantly cowed.
“Alright, you guys you know the drill.” Her voice crackled with menace. “Line up and sit quiet. Don’t make me go medieval on you asses.”
Instantly the dogs shuffled around and stood in a straight line. I could not help but thing of the classic police line-up as they all sit on their haunches and tried their best to look innocent.
Without a word, Mel reached behind her and gestured to me. I handed her the shredded body of the victim. She took it from me and turned back to the dogs. Holding poor Ms. Shoe in front of her, she shook it at the dogs.
“WHO DID THIS?” She yelled at them. Then, lowering her tone, “Who chewed up my house shoe…..who?
Then it happened, so quickly that I almost didn’t catch it. “There he is,” she said with some satisfaction. “ It was Sammy!”
“What?” I said skeptically, “How the hell can you know it was Sammy?” I didn’t believe it for a minute.
You see, Sammy, our Basset/Rottweiler mix was MY dog. He was my favorite and he was also the one she was always blaming for any dog-crime that happens. So you can see how I might be skeptical of her conclusion.
So in order to prove her point, she repeated her “questioning” of the dogs. She held up the shoe and demanded to know who was guilty and then I saw it….
All the dogs except Sammy kept staring at Mel, making eye contact, but Sammy. He refused to meet her eyes….guilty.
Okay, I had to accept it….he confessed, but was that the whole story? I have my own theory about the crime and others that have occurred here on the ranch.
Like the famous quote from my favorite movie, The Usual Suspects: “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone.” This quote was delivered by Verbal, the Kevin Spacy character and he was talking about the criminal mastermind, Kaiser Soze.
Well I have my own idea about the Kaiser Soze of the dog world. He does exist and HE is really a SHE. Her name is actually….TATER-TOT….the sneaky bitch from hell that currently resides here on Almosta Ranch and spends her time crafting crimes which the other dogs ultimately taking the blame for committing.
Tater Tot, the Kasier Soze of Almosta Ranch.