In his post My Best Guess, Old New Lefty gazed into his crystal balls and offered his predictions for the future. Not to be outdone, herewith some bold predictions for 2012 and the decade beyond from the all-seeing, all-knowing Swamii Tommy.
2012 – Barack Obama is the winner in the overall vote count, but comes up two votes short in the Electoral College. On some trumped-up technicality, the election is once again thrown into the Supreme Court, where five “originalist” judges appoint Rick Santorum the winner even though he lost to Romney in the primaries and wasn’t even on the ballot.
2012 – In Corporations United v. Montana, the Supreme Court overrules a 2011 decision by the Montana Supreme Court that limited corporate campaign contributions in that state. In their decision, five Justices held that the original intent of the Founders was to grant inalienable rights only to conservative white male property-owners – and by extension, to corporations, since most corporations are run by conservative white male property-owners.
2012 – A researcher at MIT discovers a math error in Mayan calendar calculations, and Earth is saved from impending doom on December 21st.
2013 – Rick Santorum is sworn in as President; blacks and gays riot in the streets in every major city. Washington DC shuts down as gay Congressional staffers walk-off their jobs in protest of the Court’s appointment of homophobe Santorum. Congress can't function without them because they do all the work in DC, while their bosses are out schlepping for campaign funds.
2013 – Senate confirms Grover Norquist as Secretary of Treasury, John McCain as Secretary of State, Joe Barton as Secretary of Energy, David Koch as Secretary of Interior, Rick Scott as Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare and Sarah Palin as Secretary of Education.
2013 – Senate confirms Lloyd Blankfein as Chairman of the Securities Exchange Commission, Roger Ailes as Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, John Bolton as UN ambassador, Jackie Chan as ambassador to China, Herman Cain as ambassador to Kenya, and Pat Robertson as ambassador to Haiti.
2014 – A reputable scientist at MIT announces a process to produce cheap and abundant energy through nuclear fusion. The next day, he is found dead in his burned-out office. No trace is ever found of his computer or any records pertaining to his discovery. Stocks of Exxon/Mobil, Shell and BP soar.
2014 – George Soros, Noam Chomsky, Paul Krugman, Ralph Nader and Bruce Springsteen are arrested as suspected terrorists and confined at Gitmo under provisions of the National Defense Authorization Act. Their lawyers file suit, charging a violation of habeas corpus. The case eventually reaches Supreme Court, but Justices refuse to hear it on the grounds the NDAA supercedes habeas corpus.
2014 – Despite the fact the unemployment rate reaches 15%, Republicans score big in mid-term elections, when only 20% of voters (all Evangelicals) bother to vote; former President George W Bush named to head Houston Astros baseball team, Bush renames team Houston Have-Mores.
2015 – With an overwhelming majority in both Houses of Congress, Republicans vote to eliminate all taxes as a means to dramatically increase revenues. That move follows an economic theory concocted by Arthur Laffer, author of the aptly-named Laffer Curve. This is not the first time Republicans were fooled by a Curveball.
2015 – Republicans terminate Social Security and Medicare and place all welfare programs under the control of the Southern Baptist Council. They repeal Obamacare and replace it with United Healthcare. They also repeal the repeal of Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell. All forms of contraception are outlawed, copies of King James Bible and Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale are distributed to every American household
2015 – Republicans outlaw the Democratic Party, the AFL-CIO, the AFSCME, the ACLU and the NAACP. They also outlaw rap music, Broadway musicals and all records by Reginald Kenneth Dwight aka Sir Elton Hercules John [yes, that really is his real name - well, not his real name, but his real adopted name].
2015 – Unemployment rate reaches 20%; Teapartians and Occupiers clash in the streets. Occupiers vastly outnumber Teapartians, but they lose the battle when tent-poles and guitars prove to be no match for assault rifles.
2015 – President Santorum calls for a New Crusade, and millions of young Evangelicals volunteer for the armed forces. They are sent to capture Jerusalem, which they do – briefly. Iran nukes Jerusalem; Evangelicals celebrate the coming Armageddon. Nuclear strikes turn Iran into an even vaster wilderness. Egypt, Iraq and Saudi Arabia are spared when inhabitants claim to have converted to Christianity.
2016 – President Santorum changes the name of the US Army to the US Army of God and vows to stay the course in the Afghan War. Congress passes law reinstituting conscription for all non-evangelical males over age twelve. All Mormons, including five strapping sons of former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, are ordered to immediate duty. Santorum orders a surge and puts General Eric Prince in charge.
2016 – The Temple is rebuilt in Jerusalem, but collapses shortly after completion. It is later discovered the contractors, Halliburton and KBR, used shoddy, over-priced materials and slave labor. Dubai refuses to extradite the CEO's of those companies. Israel and US Army of God attack Dubai. Many Evangelical soldiers return with war brides.
2016 – In a move that shocks the Catholic world, Newt Gingrich is named Pope. When queried about their controversial choice, cardinals say they wanted a true conservative in the tradition of Pope Alexander VI, nee Roderigo Borgia.
2016 – Despite the fact the unemployment rate reaches 30%, President Santorum is re-elected in a landslide, as once again only Evangelicals bother to vote. But shortly before beginning his second term, Santorum is murdered by his gay Muslim lover, and Vice-President Michelle Bachmann assumes office.
2017 – Unemployment rate reaches 40%; President Bachmann declares martial law and replaces the Constitution with the Book of Leviticus. All gays are sent to internment camps to be cured by her husband. Adulterous women are stoned, concubines flourish and Jubilee is declared, under which all debts are forgiven – but only the debts of Evangelicals. Everyone in America claims to be an Evangelical.
2017 – President Bachmann mandates that all history books be rewritten to state categorically that the Founders ended slavery. History books are also required to blame FDR for the Great Depression and to blame Obama for the Great Recession. Once the books are rewritten, the Great Recession is officially declared the Great Depression II.
2018 – A man claiming to be Jesus appears on F*x News and states that he was forced to return much earlier than he planned because even his Father can't salvage the mess humans have made of the planet. He says everyone should begin building an ark with a rocket engine and prepare for the journey to Heaven, which he identifies as the planet Mars.
2018 – The man claiming to be Jesus is given a regular slot on F*x News, where he urges people to buy gold as a hedge against the coming end of the world. He also states that he was, is and always will be a Jew. Millions of Evangelicals – including President Bachmann – convert to Judaism as a precaution.
2018 – The man claiming to be Jesus is crucified – by the mainstream media. F*x News continues to insist he is a prophet.
2018 – Unemployment rate reaches 50%; mid-term elections called-off for lack of interest.
2019 – Tim Tebow leads Denver Broncos to win in Super Bowl LIII. Tebow completes no passes and has a quarterback rating of -35, but scores game's only touchdown when the defense of the Dallas Cowboys mysteriously parts, leaving him an unobstructed 99-yard path to the end-zone. As a result, millions of atheists convert to Christianity.
2019 – Cleveland Cavaliers sweep Miami Heat in NBA finals. Point guard Tim Tebow has a triple-double in all four games and breaks Wilt Chamberlain's record by scoring 112 points in final game. Christopher Hitchens can be heard rolling over in his grave and recanting.
2019 – Tim Tebow leads Chicago Cubs to World Series victory by pitching four no-hitters and batting .750 with 25 home runs. Last remaining atheist converts to Christianity.
2020 – Unemployment rate reaches 75%; Joe Barton finally concedes that global-warming may be real. James Imhofe denounces him as a traitor.
2020 – President Bachmann chooses not to run again when her husband is discovered in bed with a dead girl and a live boy. In a bitterly contested battle, Ron Paul defeats Dennis Kucinich and is elected President. Paul dies on election night when his son Rand accidentally, it is assumed, strikes him in the temple with a hardcover copy of Atlas Shrugged.
2021 – Using the new Facebook voting system, Justin Beiber is elected President in place of the deceased Ron Paul. Lady Gaga narrowly defeats Christine O'Donnell for Vice-President.
2021 – US declares victory in Afghanistan and turns control of the country over to Mullah Omar of the Taliban. Eric Prince is named head of armed forces; unemployment remains stubbornly at 75%
2022 – Winnipeg Jets defeat San Diego Chargers 125-3 in Super Bowl LVI. President Beiber appears at half-time and performs God Bless the USA to celebrate victory in Afghanistan. Chargers owner vows to retain Coach Norv Turner.
2022 – Unemployment rate reaches 99%; Chicago Cubs face Houston Have-Mores in World Series, only twelve ultra-rich Houstonians attend game due to exorbitant ticket prices; Cubs win on the strength of a one-hit shutout in the seventh game by pitcher Malia Obama, unanimous winner of the Cy Young Award.
2022 – Researcher finishes recalculating Mayan calendar and warns of impending doom. On December 21st, Earth’s outer crust implodes as a result of all the holes made by oil-drilling and fracking, and the entire surface of the Earth is sucked into the molten core.
2022 – Only President Beiber and the man claiming to be Jesus escape the cataclysm onboard a rocket bound for Heaven/Mars. The man reassures Beiber the human race will survive because 72 virgins await them in Paradise. He says he knows this because he only pretended to be Jesus to bring on Armageddon – he is really Mohammed. Too late, Beiber recognizes the imposter as Glenn Beck.
Have a Happy New Year! Okay, that's probably too audacious a hope – have an interesting New Year!
©2012 Tom Cordle