Tom Cordle

Tom Cordle
Location
Beeffee, Tennessee, CSA
Birthday
June 16
Title
Peasant
Company
Pleasant
Bio
"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and incur my own abhorrence." Frederick Douglass _________________________________ "You can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you don't have any boots, and you can't put yourself in another's shoes -- you can't even try on their socks." Soulofhawk _________________________________ "I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue." Albert Einstein _________________________________ Only in silence can your hear the voice of God." Soulofhawk ____________________________________ "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King, Jr" ____________________________________ "Racists can hide in the closet, but the smell usually gives them away." Soulofhawk _________________________________ "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." Mark Twain ____________________________ "When we are young, Death comes as an unwelcome stranger; but as we get nearer the end of our own too-often rocky road, he comes more and more to resemble a long, lost acquaintance." Soulofhawk ____________________________________ “When monetary gain is involved, mans capacity for self-delusion is infinite.” Lord Byron _________________________________ "Where greed is good, need is great." Soulofhawk _________________________________ “And let it be noted that there is no more delicate matter to take in hand, nor more doubtful in its success, than to set up as a leader in the introduction of change. For he who innovates will have as his enemies all who are well off under the existing order of things, and only lukewarm supporters in those who might be better off under the new. This lukewarm temper arises partly from the incredulity of mankind, who will never admit the merit of anything new, until they have seen it proven by the event.” Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince, Chapter VI _________________________________ "if a man falls from a pedestal, who is really to blame -- the man or those who put him up there?" Soulofhawk ____________________________________ "The history of any country, presented as the history of a family, conceals fierce conflicts of interest (sometimes exploding, most often repressed) between conquerors and conquered, masters and slaves, capitalists and workers, dominators and dominated in race and sex. And in such a world of conflict, a world of victims and executioners, it is the job of thinking people, as Albert Camus suggested, not to be on the side of the executioners." Howard Zinn _______________________________ "The worst thing to be around a bigot is right." Soulofhawk

MY RECENT POSTS

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 10, 2012 10:42AM

Fearless Forecast for the Future

Rate: 34 Flag

Tarmac the MagnificentIn his post My Best Guess, Old New Lefty gazed into his crystal balls and offered his predictions for the future. Not to be outdone, herewith some bold predictions for 2012 and the decade beyond from the all-seeing, all-knowing Swamii Tommy.

2012 – Barack Obama is the winner in the overall vote count, but comes up two votes short in the Electoral College. On some trumped-up technicality, the election is once again thrown into the Supreme Court, where five “originalist” judges appoint Rick Santorum the winner even though he lost to Romney in the primaries and wasn’t even on the ballot.

2012 – In Corporations United v. Montana, the Supreme Court overrules a 2011 decision by the Montana Supreme Court that limited corporate campaign contributions in that state. In their decision, five Justices held that the original intent of the Founders was to grant inalienable rights only to conservative white male property-owners – and by extension, to corporations, since most corporations are run by conservative white male property-owners.

2012 – A researcher at MIT discovers a math error in Mayan calendar calculations, and Earth is saved from impending doom on December 21st.

2013 – Rick Santorum is sworn in as President; blacks and gays riot in the streets in every major city. Washington DC shuts down as gay Congressional staffers walk-off their jobs in protest of the Court’s appointment of homophobe Santorum. Congress can't function without them because they do all the work in DC, while their bosses are out schlepping for campaign funds.

2013 – Senate confirms Grover Norquist as Secretary of Treasury, John McCain as Secretary of State, Joe Barton as Secretary of Energy, David Koch as Secretary of Interior, Rick Scott as Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare and Sarah Palin as Secretary of Education.

 2013 – Senate confirms Lloyd Blankfein as Chairman of the Securities Exchange Commission, Roger Ailes as Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, John Bolton as UN ambassador, Jackie Chan as ambassador to China, Herman Cain as ambassador to Kenya, and Pat Robertson as ambassador to Haiti.

2014 – A reputable scientist at MIT announces a process to produce cheap and abundant energy through nuclear fusion. The next day, he is found dead in his burned-out office. No trace is ever found of his computer or any records pertaining to his discovery. Stocks of Exxon/Mobil, Shell and BP soar.

2014 – George Soros, Noam Chomsky, Paul Krugman, Ralph Nader and Bruce Springsteen are arrested as suspected terrorists and confined at Gitmo under provisions of the National Defense Authorization Act. Their lawyers file suit, charging a violation of habeas corpus. The case eventually reaches Supreme Court, but Justices refuse to hear it on the grounds the NDAA supercedes habeas corpus.

2014 – Despite the fact the unemployment rate reaches 15%, Republicans score big in mid-term elections, when only 20% of voters (all Evangelicals) bother to vote; former President George W Bush named to head Houston Astros baseball team, Bush renames team Houston Have-Mores.

2015 – With an overwhelming majority in both Houses of Congress, Republicans vote to eliminate all taxes as a means to dramatically increase revenues. That move follows an economic theory concocted by Arthur Laffer, author of the aptly-named Laffer Curve. This is not the first time Republicans were fooled by a Curveball.

2015 – Republicans terminate Social Security and Medicare and place all welfare programs under the control of the Southern Baptist Council. They repeal Obamacare and replace it with United Healthcare. They also repeal the repeal of Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell. All forms of contraception are outlawed, copies of King James Bible and Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale are distributed to every American household

2015 – Republicans outlaw the Democratic Party, the AFL-CIO, the AFSCME, the ACLU and the NAACP. They also outlaw rap music, Broadway musicals and all records by Reginald Kenneth Dwight aka Sir Elton Hercules John [yes, that really is his real name - well, not his real name, but his real adopted name].

2015 – Unemployment rate reaches 20%; Teapartians and Occupiers clash in the streets. Occupiers vastly outnumber Teapartians, but they lose the battle when tent-poles and guitars prove to be no match for assault rifles.

2015 – President Santorum calls for a New Crusade, and millions of young Evangelicals volunteer for the armed forces. They are sent to capture Jerusalem, which they do – briefly. Iran nukes Jerusalem; Evangelicals celebrate the coming Armageddon. Nuclear strikes turn Iran into an even vaster wilderness. Egypt, Iraq and Saudi Arabia are spared when inhabitants claim to have converted to Christianity.

2016 – President Santorum changes the name of the US Army to the US Army of God and vows to stay the course in the Afghan War. Congress passes law reinstituting conscription for all non-evangelical males over age twelve. All Mormons, including five strapping sons of former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, are ordered to immediate duty. Santorum orders a surge and puts General Eric Prince in charge.

2016 – The Temple is rebuilt in Jerusalem, but collapses shortly after completion. It is later discovered the contractors, Halliburton and KBR, used shoddy, over-priced materials and slave labor. Dubai refuses to extradite the CEO's of those companies. Israel and US Army of God attack Dubai. Many Evangelical soldiers return with war brides.

2016 – In a move that shocks the Catholic world, Newt Gingrich is named Pope. When queried about their controversial choice, cardinals say they wanted a true conservative in the tradition of Pope Alexander VI, nee Roderigo Borgia.

2016 – Despite the fact the unemployment rate reaches 30%, President Santorum is re-elected in a landslide, as once again only Evangelicals bother to vote. But shortly before beginning his second term, Santorum is murdered by his gay Muslim lover, and Vice-President Michelle Bachmann assumes office.

2017 – Unemployment rate reaches 40%; President Bachmann declares martial law and replaces the Constitution with the Book of Leviticus. All gays are sent to internment camps to be cured by her husband. Adulterous women are stoned, concubines flourish and Jubilee is declared, under which all debts are forgiven – but only the debts of Evangelicals. Everyone in America claims to be an Evangelical.

2017 – President Bachmann mandates that all history books be rewritten to state categorically that the Founders ended slavery. History books are also required to blame FDR for the Great Depression and to blame Obama for the Great Recession. Once the books are rewritten, the Great Recession is officially declared the Great Depression II.

2018 – A man claiming to be Jesus appears on F*x News and states that he was forced to return much earlier than he planned because even his Father can't salvage the mess humans have made of the planet. He says everyone should begin building an ark with a rocket engine and prepare for the journey to Heaven, which he identifies as the planet Mars.

2018 – The man claiming to be Jesus is given a regular slot on F*x News, where he urges people to buy gold as a hedge against the coming end of the world. He also states that he was, is and always will be a Jew. Millions of Evangelicals – including President Bachmann – convert to Judaism as a precaution.

2018 – The man claiming to be Jesus is crucified – by the mainstream media. F*x News continues to insist he is a prophet.

2018 – Unemployment rate reaches 50%; mid-term elections called-off for lack of interest.

2019 – Tim Tebow leads Denver Broncos to win in Super Bowl LIII. Tebow completes no passes and has a quarterback rating of -35, but scores game's only touchdown when the defense of the Dallas Cowboys mysteriously parts, leaving him an unobstructed 99-yard path to the end-zone. As a result, millions of atheists convert to Christianity.

2019 – Cleveland Cavaliers sweep Miami Heat in NBA finals. Point guard Tim Tebow has a triple-double in all four games and breaks Wilt Chamberlain's record by scoring 112 points in final game. Christopher Hitchens can be heard rolling over in his grave and recanting.

2019 – Tim Tebow leads Chicago Cubs to World Series victory by pitching four no-hitters and batting .750 with 25 home runs. Last remaining atheist converts to Christianity. 

2020 – Unemployment rate reaches 75%; Joe Barton finally concedes that global-warming may be real. James Imhofe denounces him as a traitor.

2020 – President Bachmann chooses not to run again when her husband is discovered in bed with a dead girl and a live boy. In a bitterly contested battle, Ron Paul defeats Dennis Kucinich and is elected President. Paul dies on election night when his son Rand accidentally, it is assumed, strikes him in the temple with a hardcover copy of Atlas Shrugged.

2021 – Using the new Facebook voting system, Justin Beiber is elected President in place of the deceased Ron Paul. Lady Gaga narrowly defeats Christine O'Donnell for Vice-President.

 2021 – US declares victory in Afghanistan and turns control of the country over to Mullah Omar of the Taliban. Eric Prince is named head of armed forces; unemployment remains stubbornly at 75%

2022 Winnipeg Jets defeat San Diego Chargers 125-3 in Super Bowl LVI.  President Beiber appears at half-time and performs God Bless the USA to celebrate victory in Afghanistan. Chargers owner vows to retain Coach Norv Turner.

2022 Unemployment rate reaches 99%; Chicago Cubs face Houston Have-Mores in World Series, only twelve ultra-rich Houstonians attend game due to exorbitant ticket prices; Cubs win on the strength of a one-hit shutout in the seventh game by pitcher Malia Obama, unanimous winner of the Cy Young Award.

2022 – Researcher finishes recalculating Mayan calendar and warns of impending doom. On December 21st, Earth’s outer crust implodes as a result of all the holes made by oil-drilling and fracking, and the entire surface of the Earth is sucked into the molten core.

2022 – Only President Beiber and the man claiming to be Jesus escape the cataclysm onboard a rocket bound for Heaven/Mars. The man reassures Beiber the human race will survive because 72 virgins await them in Paradise. He says he knows this because he only pretended to be Jesus to bring on Armageddon – he is really Mohammed. Too late, Beiber recognizes the imposter as Glenn Beck.

Have a Happy New Year! Okay, that's probably too audacious a hope – have an interesting New Year!

©2012 Tom Cordle

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Re nuclear fusion: You probably didn't see it, but the Wall Street Journal was on this hobbyhorse for quite a while, saying on the editorial page that the scientific community was conspiring to discredit evidence of "cold fusion," so the politics there are murkier than your 2014 prediction. I gather after the intial positive experiments couldn't be reproduced and everybody lost interest (and the WSJ had some egg on its face) that fusion is lately making a comeback. All sounds very Buck Rogers to me--but then I only got a B in physics.
This is eerie my friend. I can see it all happening, you are a prophet for the ages! (Carson is probably rolling over in his grave)~EP anyone?
Dead girl and a live boy?
If this is the future... well, let's just say I hope Cognac is wrong about the Mayan Calendar thing.
Spectacular Tom!
I'd take Beiber over Bachmann and Santorum any day.
Didn't LBJ say the thing about the dead girl and live boy? lol

r
Thanks, Tom, for the best laugh I've had in some time (especially the appointments in 2013)...now I'm going to have a good cry over the fact that too much of this is possible and even likely!

R
Rated (several times, in fact, under my various Messianic Identities - all obscured by heavy makeup and fake accents). Priceless, By Gawd! (See, you've got me re-converting already, although those Mayan God(s) are gonna' be damned pissed!)
You made my morning Tom, although I wish you were here to make another cup of coffee, I spit up part of the last one reading this ;)
Holy shit. This is even worse than Cranky's. I'm going back to bed.
i can see most of this happening, but not
Grover Norquist as Secretary of Treasury, sorry.
You strained my credulity with that.
Con
Cold fusion may be the only thing that saves the world from catastrophe. Will that dream be realized? Who can say? What I can say with no fear of con-tradiction -- and no reflection on Con Chapman -- is the con-fusion will reign for the foreseeable future, a future that appears gloomier and gloomier the more the US tilts toward the intellectually bereft Right.
Scanner
EP? Only if you mean Extremely Polemic

Trig
Cognac was poisoned, so Swamii Tommy had to fill in. Dead girl and live boy? Google Edwin Edwards

JB
Agreed
rw
Dead girl and live boy is from a statement by Edwin Edwards, ex-con ex-gov of Louisiana, who said the only way he would lose the upcoming election is if he was caught in be with a a dead girl or a live boy.

Barb Allee
We laugh to keep from cying

Samasiam
Nothing like lumpy coffee to start the day off right
Matt
Well, I hope you're not going to be with Cranky

James
Grover Norquist as Secretary of Treasury -- that's what you call bathos
Funny! I hadn't really thought about another election disaster a la Bush the II. Wish you hadn't reminded me of that possiblity!
Blue in TX
Sorry to bring up old memories. Don't know what it is about Texas, but folks there seem to have an affinity for electing crude buffoons governor and passing them off on the rest of us.

If it wasn't for the fact that Rick Perry bore a striking resemblance and was a good deal dumber than even "he whose name cannot be spoken in the Republican Party", he might well be the darling of the Rabid Right instead of Rick Sanctimonious.
And what does one find when one googles "President Santorum" during that administration?
I think you forgot the part about Scott Roeder being appointed Surgeon General.
Tim4change
Not sure, but I bet it's frothy
Finally! Some things to look forward to. Even a nuclear holocaust would sound exciting if Swamii Tommy predicted it. (Did the Queen Mum lend you that hat to wear to the Royal Wedding?)
I'd like to say that after reading this I awoke in a cold sweat. Sadly: impossible.

I don't know exactly what "bejesus" is, but it has been officially scared out of me all the same.
Wow. At least Rush Limbaugh isn't president in Cordle World. And what about the Supreme Court? (I can only imagine!)
Well, at least your predictions are more fun than mine. :(
Dang. You are a creative mind. Enjoyed this very much.
I miss Johnny Carson. I would send Pat Robertson further away than Haiti. Let's make him Ambassador to the former republic of Burma. And when does Tim Tebow get to be President or the Pope? Perhaps, Tebow could be Pope and President.
RRR
I feel like I just fell down the rabbit hole. This was hideously awesome.
Yup, that's about how I see it. Love the pic.
Jeepers Cordle.
This seems too easy to believe. A tad spooky.
Jeepers Cordle.
This seems too easy to believe. A tad spooky.
Tom Cordle? Maybe Beiber Mary B. Obama.
Finally. Good News. F*x News covers Pluto.
Margaret Feiki Might Be Beijing's First Lady.
Billionaires buy every American Mao Suits.
WE get free wedding lunch leftovers. Cans.
WW2 Yup. There is still some WW2 Grub.
Vietnam Grunt got WW2 Green Egg Ham.
WE'll be in soup lines. One Happy Family.
Yes. Interesting. WE can imagine Bacon.
You mean I have to wait for 2015 for rap to be outlawed? This is all to funny, and tragically, probably accurate too. Are you sure the Jets are finally going to win in 2022? We may not always agree Tom but you are the funniest writer on the internet. I would pay to read stuff like this!
Maybe there's hope, because the Cubs ain't NEVER gonna do that!
See, now you've got me hoping that the Mayans were right.
Now that's downright funny. Unfortunately reality is funnier, but you have to have the right point of view.
Faith Popcorn, move over; the Swamii has landed!

Thanks to your helpful predictions, I now know I have less than two years to move. China's beginning to look pretty good...
Margaret
You asked if the Queen Mum loaned me the hat – no, I borrowed it from Sir Elton Hercules John

Stacey
Bejesus? That’s what Rick Sanctimonious replied when as a child he was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up.

Lea
Good catch on my nocturnal omission – Rush Limbaugh was obviously Santorum’s press secretary

ONL
Perhaps, but yours were far more inspiring
Tom:
This has been very funny and enjoyable to read.
Would you consider sending G.W.Bush to the moon,and instead of these mentioned candidates for presidency,could You take over the White House Affairs?
R
Sheila
Thanks, I’ve been accused of having a fertile imagination – that comes from having an excess of natural fertilizer in my brain

Littlewillie
Yes, Carson was a treasure, even more so because he didn’t take himself seriously. As for Tebow, why would he settle for President or Pope when he’s already a Messiah?

Snippy
If you want to avoid rabbit holes, you must run twice as fast as you can

Abrawang
Thanks. As for the pic, I think I bear a striking likeness to Swamii Tommy
Sheila
Thanks, I’ve been accused of having a fertile imagination – that comes from having an excess of natural fertilizer in my brain

Littlewillie
Yes, Carson was a treasure, even more so because he didn’t take himself seriously. As for Tebow, why would he settle for President or Pope when he’s already a Messiah?

Snippy
If you want to avoid rabbit holes, you must run twice as fast as you can

Abrawang
Thanks. As for the pic, I think I bear a striking likeness to Swamii Tommy
Alsoknownas
This might be a tad spooky, but it can’t hold a candle to the list of clowns the Republicans have thrown to the top of their polls for real – well sort of real anyway. Sarah Palin? Donald Trump? Rick Perry? Herman Cain? Newt Gingrich? Who’s next – Rasputin? Oh, wait, they already have a religious nutjob – Saint Rick the Sanctimonious

Art James
I’ve heard of “imagine whirled peas”, but “imagine bacon” is a new one on me.

Jack Heart
Can I assume your check is in the mail?

Chicago Guy
Oh, come on, you’re from Chicago, couldn’t you be a bit more audaciously hopeful?
Alsoknownas
This might be a tad spooky, but it can’t hold a candle to the list of clowns the Republicans have thrown-up as Presidential material. Sarah Palin? Donald Trump? Rick Perry? Herman Cain? Newt Gingrich? Who’s next – Rasputin? Oh, wait, they've already thrown-up two religious nutjobs – Michelle "Blessed Madonna" Bachmann and Rick "Curse Contraception" Santorum. Those two make Mike Huckabee look middle of the road.

Art James
I’ve heard of “imagine whirled peas”, but “imagine bacon” is a new one on me. If things turn out as I fear, my bacon will soon be Canadian

Jack Heart
Can I assume your check is in the mail?

Chicago Guy
Come now, you’re from Chicago -- you're supposed to be a bit more audaciously hopeful
Tom C. Smile. You can say that one more time.
The more I read you over and over you bitches.
That means you bitch nice. You bacon bits fun.

I know folks comments aren't shrinks but pretend.
I like to eat bacon with a few deviled eggs and beer.
I knew a one-butcher who collected vintage beer cans.
Never eat peas with a goat. Goat meat is chewy-stingy.
Stringy
Goofy
Funny
Behave
Tom do.
Heidi
Thanks for the compliment, but between Warren G Harding and Bill Clinton, I think we've had quite enough White House affairs
As a woman, I can say I'm worried that we're getting closer and closer to "Handmaid's Tale" territory. Women are only valued as baby machines -- if they are white, that is. Every pregnancy would be documented, every miscarriage suspect (did you do ALL that you could do to prevent this loss of life?), and babies taken from slutty single moms and given over to deserving Christian couples. Don't know what will happen to the undesirable babies, those the wrong color or pedigree or those that have "problems." No one cares about LIFE after it leaves the womb.
Art James
You've made a new fan -- my son "discovered" you while reading your comments here
Bellwether
Kudos for catching the nod to The Handmaid's Tale, and I quite agree that the "family values" crowd reminds me of that book. They insist it is their responsibility to force a woman to bring a child into this world, but insist just a vociferously that their responsibility ends there. Their hypocrisy knows no bounds.

And speaking of hypocrisy, you mention "every miscarriage suspect ". Call me cynical, but it struck me as more than a little suspicious that Sarah Palin Palin, pregnant with her unplanned for Downs baby, climbed aboard a plane for a nine-hour flight supposedly after her water broke. First of all, doing so is illegal as well as absurdly dangerous, which she surely knew. Strikes me that inducing a miscarriage is just another way of having an abortion.
Have you considered auditioning for Letterman's writing crew? The other chat show hosts are Right Wingnuts, of course.
Robert
Top Ten Reasons I Don't Write for the Letterman Show:

[10] I'm too busy writing for OS
[9] I refuse to live in NYC
[8] I'm not Jewish
[7] My allusions can be a bit remote
[6] My sense of humor is too warped even for Dave
[5] I work alone and in complete silence
[4] I can't work fast enough for TV
[3] I'm no fan of Letterman
[2] I'm afraid Letterman will hit on me, too
[1] Nobody asked me