Tinkerertink69

Tinkerertink69
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Your closet, Indiana, France
Birthday
July 16
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President and CEO of Your Mom
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Your closet
Bio
Smell my Paws! Does that smell like poo to you? Writer? No way! I'm a guy with a cat who knows my passwords and likes to blog!! What? Oops, I mean, I'm a cat who likes to blog. Smell my paws!!! French prostitutes? Only on Tuesdays!! Lets cuddle!!

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Salon.com
APRIL 25, 2012 7:20AM

WALMART LIFE LESSONS: THOSE AREN'T RAISINS!

Rate: 24 Flag

Life seems to be filled with stories, lessons, things that make us go, "What the...".

Walking through Walmart at 2:45 in the morning, I have discovered many things about life.

There are a lot of people who look like Elvis shopping for toilet paper.

The government hasn't taken all the babies away from the unfit mothers.

"Youse put your sister down John Boy before I whoop your ass! Tayler Jackson you take those balls out of your mouth, youse don't know where they been!"

I heard the Taylor Jackson one a few months ago. 

It was screeched by a woman who I estimated to be at 1250 pounds.

I remember my own mother, sainted soul, though she's not dead yet.

"I'm waiting for you to die before I go!" is her response when I ask when she's going to kick the bucket so I can sell her Mason jar collection.

The children, all of those who had survived the night, would gather around the table for breakfast.

Turnip and Raisin Surprise.

The surprise was the raisins weren't raisins.

And no, they weren't chocolate neither.

"If it's good enough for your grandpa, it's good enough for you! Eat or I'll kill you!"

And we the kids ate.  

"Nummy!"

Of course, the biggest surprise was, those weren't turnips neither.

"Too expensive, turnips!" my mom would say when asked by the police as she was dragged away for another trip to the 'Vacation Home' as daddy said, when he wasn't stoned.

I serve the Turnip and Raisin Surprise to my own children, the ones the guvermint hasn't taken away.

"Daddy, this isn't turnip nor raisin is it?" my daughter Mary Lou says.

"Nope! Just eat it and don't ask question, easier that way!"

Another thing Walmart has taught me is "Don't ask questions you don't want answers to!"

 

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Please don't tell us what those ingredients really are...! Loved the presentation - the accents were deadnuts on. Fun post. R.
Songbird, I won't, they're a family secret!! ;D Thanks!
Sounds like a dish to share on Foodie Tuesday. By your description, it really reminds me of "Road Kill Surprise" with no extra charge for "sprinkles."
I thought I was the only one who had a special recipe for turnip and raisin surprise...
My mom stopped serving the "raisins" with the "turnips" when Bonnie Bunny passed away. Never did find out what the "turnips" were.
Linnnn, sprinkles are always free!!! ~:D

Frank, nah, our families got together and perfected it!! ~:D

Chicken, damn the luck!! ~:D
fAMILY SECRETS MUST STAY SECRET, YES. R.
Jonathan, ~nodding~ Oh my yes!! ;D
I'm stuck with my sister's kids, and for some reason I decided to let them have a go at practicing their reading on your blog. (They're 8 and 6, I think.) You will not believe the random crap they've come up with so far that could be raisin stand-ins. I think I'm going to be sick. And its only been ten minutes.
icy, I got to admit, you best uncle ever!! :D
I try to stay out of Wal-Mart in the wee small hours. However, I am still hoping to land that late shift greeters job. R
This is going to be stuck in my head all day like a bad song. What were those raisins?
Gerald, I've been trying to get the job of Restroom cleaner level 3 -- late night crew!! They say I'm too young to be greeter!! :*( :D

jl, I won't ruin the surprise for ya!! ~:D

(Hint === They came out of a butt!! :D)
Arggh! Now I have a visual stuck in my head.
prefer fried spam myself....don't know (or want to)those ingredients either...
lol Living in the South, where girls dress for Wal-Mart like they are going to the club... yeah, I feel your Wal-Mart pain. I still think that place is the end of the Universe, where dignity goes to die.
Tink, Tink, Tink, don't y'all get folks sniffin' aroun' for that recipe.
I have my suspicions about raisins and wabbits... but can't figure out turnips for the life of me????
i am doubtful about only one detail in this masterful piece:
the 1250 lb screeching woman.
how, may i ask, does she negotiate the narrow aisles?
would she not inadvertently bump various products,
such as laxatives & antacids for $1.50,or cotton balls, or
other loose things like coffee makers , and raisins,
onto the floor? I hope she gets more food stamps, ebt, than me.
Like, 1000 dollars? I only get 130 dollars, but i am trim.

Speaking of 'trim', haw, if that's what you're lookin for at walmart,
catch em just after the guvmint takes their baby.
that's when they wanna party , yknow, to forget...

i often wonder what andrew jackson, aka 'old hickory',
would think of walmart.
"Distinctions in society will always exist
under every just government.
Equality of talents, of education,
or of wealth can not be produced by human institutions.
In the full enjoyment of the gifts of Heaven
and the fruits of superior industry,
economy, and virtue,
every man
is equally entitled to protection by law;
but when the laws undertake to

make the rich richer
and the potent more powerful,
the humble members of society —
the farmers, mechanics, and laborers —

have a right to complain "
(the big gal is justified)
What were you doing in Walmart at that hour, a bar I would understand, but a Walmart?
WalMart is where I go when I want to feel better about myself. As in "well, at least, I'm hurting as bad as this guy." R
I spend a lot of time working cat adoptions at PetSmart.

I think there are a lot of people who step out frim under their rocks to shop at big-box stores. I don't see such unique human beauty anwhere else.
Going to Wal-Mart to sightsee--oh, the humanity--or avail myself of the free samples: not on my bucket list. See also, Cranky Cuss.
I'm guessing the raisins were dead (hopefully) flies. Always nice to add a little protein.
I'm still trying to figure out, what's cheaper than turnips?
Walmart wasn't really bribing officials in Mexico, either, they were just "greasing the wheels." Uh. "Buying favors." No. "Extorting." No. Let's see......aww, they're fucking corrupt.

Rated.
dangerously close to Kentucky
Thanks for the great laughs this morning!
R
One can get a real, honest-to-goodness education in a Walmart. That is a darn fact!
jl, sorry!! Here's some wipes!! ~:D

Steel, spam is good!! :D

QueenAli, ~nodding~ I think I could sit in the Walmart and just watch the world go by!! ~nodding even more~ ~:D

bobbot, they ain't gunna sniff it where I put it!! Granny's rectum!! What? :D

jmac, just eat, don't think about it!! ~:D

James, you'd be amazed how agile she is!! Right through them aisles lickitysplit!! ~:D

Sheila, Walmart after like 2 in the morning is the BEST place to be if you're a people watcher. Even beats the casinos for material. Trust me!! Bars don't even touch the Walmart!!! :D

Trudge, ~nodding~ Plus if you're faster than the night manager, you can get free sodas and grapes!! ~:D

another steve, ~nodding~ It's like Lessons in Life --- DON'T DO THAT!! :D

Jett, it's all about the free samples!! ~:D

Sarah, yeah, flies, that's it!! ~giggle~ :D

phyllis, I'll never tell, Ancient Chinese Secret, huh? :D

kid, ~nodding~ Corruption is just business as usual!! ~:D

lefty, that's why it's alright when I kiss my sister on the mouth, french like!! Teeheee!! :D

ASH, you welcome!! :)

Erica, ~nodding~ And for free!!! :D

Stacey, no kat!!! :D
Ah yes! Now I understand!! The secret of life & politics!

"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to!"

The secret of how so many people can be so ignorant of politics and politrickians as to consistently vote against their own interests is revealed, at last!!

Of course in Amerika y'all don't have that problem.....!

"I know," you shout out, "we are so well educated that we all know perfectly well how to vote in our own interests.......!!"

"Well........ not exactly. In Amerika you don't HAVE any parties or politrickians for whom it IS in your interest to vote, so it doesn't matter who you vote for; none of them are worth a wet frog-fart in a stagnant pond anyway!"

;-)
.