Tinkerertink69

Tinkerertink69
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Your closet, Indiana, France
Birthday
July 16
Title
President and CEO of Your Mom
Company
Your closet
Bio
Smell my Paws! Does that smell like poo to you? Writer? No way! I'm a guy with a cat who knows my passwords and likes to blog!! What? Oops, I mean, I'm a cat who likes to blog. Smell my paws!!! French prostitutes? Only on Tuesdays!! Lets cuddle!!

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Salon.com
APRIL 26, 2012 8:26AM

HELL DESK TICKETS -- TELL JESUS TO TAKE DICK OUT OF DRIVE

Rate: 16 Flag

I'm writing this on April 25th, 2012, before the thoughts go back into hiding and I'm stuck writing about something else, like how Spam changed my life for the better.

Drafts, got to love them!

As most of you know, I use to work in an IT department for a casino in the middle of a corn field. 

If you didn't know, you can keep pretending I was a world class drag queen.

I do.

The job was good, at times, and well, hair pulling - make Tink smash other times. 

Our helpdesk was based outside the USA, in a country I will call Hepastanakanastan, where the people are taught to say, "How about them Yankees! Go Joe! You like apple pie? I DO!!!" and to get the least amount of details allowable by law for a call ticket.

"He say his computer broken, need new one!"

All the details right there, except who and where. 

I soon discovered the person wasn't even on my property and that the call ticket was weeks old and said property already fixed it.

"His keyboard was missing the G key..." the tech at other property said with a sigh.

"User cannot get dick out of drive..."

Sometimes in accounting, they can get mighty lonely, I guess. 

I had to take 'dick' out of drive with a paper clip.

Yes, it was that small.

"Jesus called and said coffee maker was not working..."

Solution: Called and Jesus was not there.  Left message that we do not fix coffee maker, facilities does.  Issue Resolved.

That was my actual resolution to the call ticket.

Jesus called back and told me thanks for the information. 

He was very happy.

Sadly though Jesus must have short memory, cause a few days later, he put in another call ticket for the deep fryer.

Though I was nice and fixed it for him.

I plugged it in.

Jesus also use to call quite a bit to get his password reset for his email. 

He was always forgetting that.

ISSUE: Printer will not print.  This is General Manager of HairyAss Casino INC. and is a priority call ticket. He is trying to print out a picture from his seven year old daughter.

And yes, they put the call as a high priority issue which would page out to EVERYONE in the HairyAss.Horsepoop.Sleazers world which then would start numerous phone calls.

I believe this is how World Wars begin.

Sadly, the property techs could not change priorities and helpdesk would refuse.

"It's important person! He says this is very important..." was the canned reply.

I would sigh and then cringe as the mobile phone rings.

"What's going on? I got a page!" frantic Regional Director of Midsouth's voice blurts out.

"Nothing. Printer issue with visiting GM...."

"We need to get that resolved right now! GET ON IT ASAP!"

"On my way no....oooh, there's someone calling in now....Hello?"

"WHAT'S GOING ON? I GOT A PAGE!" Even more frantic Southern Director of Information System's voice panics out.

"Nothin.....oh hold on, there's another call...."

And repeat all the way up to Vice President of Information Systems and the President of the great nation of Hepastanakanastan.

"It's just a goddamn printer!! LOWER THE GODDAMN PRIORITY!" my boss is screaming at the help desk.

"Can't, very important person! Picture of a unicorn!"

Solution:  Put paper in printer and hit resume.

Actual resolution!

"And that's why we pay you the big bucks!" the GM giggles.

He may not have giggled but actual words.

The big wigs use to like to say that.

And yes, I use to sigh a lot!

I shove a broom stick up his rectum and walk away whistling.

Crisis is averted once more, the world is safe for Democracy once again.

Then sadly I had to spend two hours responding to each new call from the page out stating the priority call ticket was resolved. 

"Yes, I put the paper in the printer and hit....yes, I.....yes.....documented....yes, informed user....I mean...GM.....yes sir......no sir........DEMOCRACY SIR!!! Yes, the missiles are standing down right now sir....yes sir, that is exactly why they pay me the big bucks......Yes, the GM has his picture of his daughter's unicorn. Yes sir!"

 

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Comments

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Thank goodness catastrophe was averted and the unicorn got printed thus averting an international crisis. Can you tell me why my router keeps cutting out?
In my "career" job, I used to "troubleshoot" such things as the Clerk of Court of a Louisiana Parish on the phone for 2 days straight because an update to his criminal records program had assigned different functions to the "enter" key and the "return" key and "his Girls" were trained to use them interchangeably. $$$ hours of emergency programming later.......I "saved" the contract

I "retired" and then I worked for "Call Tech" (Teleperformance) pretending to be "Cox Cable" and spent my evenings saying "Shut down the computer", unplug the router, unplug the modem, Whistle 2 verses of "Dixie", plug in the Modem, plug in the router, boot the computer........ All Fixed? Have a nice evening sir!
Simon would be proud to know his BOFH legacy lives on....
I wonder if Jesus was deep frying his loaves or his fishes? It's also a little scary that Jesus works for a casino....talk about stacking the deck in favor of the House. R
Not only did you avert an international incident, you saved a possible breakdown in reality/fantasy relations. Fantasy beings, especially unicorns, demand their pictures be printed. Or else. I don't have to tell you that offended unicorns specialize in causing rectal discomfort. Do not drop the soap when showering with an offended unicorn.
"Solution: Put paper in printer and hit resume."
sadly, I know you aren't joking...
Who knew that putting paper in the machine and punching the RESUME button would prevent WW III?
God bless you, Tink!
Tink - PETA would want to know if any animals were harmed or abused during this mission...

Also, is that Jesus of Nazareth, or HaySoos from south of the border?

Time to go find my Percodan...
Can't resist this one... did you guys have the code RFM? Read the F**kin' Manual?
jesus the Christ has more shit to worry about than his password,
or the mechanics of deep frying. coffee. chicken,doesnt matter.
jesus the C was not one to ask for help lightly.
He asked judas the iscariot for some
help fulfilling his destiny &all that.
he got pinned up naked to a cross for that.
all he meant was:
ah rat me to the cops. they will make a big trial & find me
innocent as the virgin i, uh, am,
and then send me on my way.

i will go to germany then.

with mary.

make much childrens.


who woulda, coulda, predicted what pilate did?
not me.

so, give an avatar messiah m-f-er a break, and answer my
emails.
Tink - Thanks for reminding me why I don't miss user support / tech support. So far (nearly 4 months) retirement is much better than work.

@Boanerges1 - Simon still lives. New tales of the BOFH are occasionally posted at The Register (althought they lack some of the flavor of the early ones).
Push the red button. Who will miss all that?
R+
I love when I have to call the IT guys. My favorite was when they gave me a new computer, and the guy that copied my hard drive over made ALL of my files "read only". I couldn't edit, I couldn't delete. I could only "save as...".

And the database I have in Access. No one knew how to make it compatible to the new Microsoft Office I had been given except the retired Army guy in the next building. I had to email it to him, then go over there for about an hour while we worked our way through how all of the connections were supposed to work and getting them re-connected.

The IT guy is getting better at listening to what we need from him. He's good with toasters, too.
Drew, the aliens are trying to communicate with you and your router cannot handle the traffic. You need to boost your ray input to 1200 and cross your eyes and that should correct the problem!! ~nodding~ :)

Wooden, I worked for TPUSA as a Info Tech to one of their call centers mucho years ago. I had one of their "modern" terminals catch fire and I had to save the day by throwing it out the window!! :D

Sent back to HQ in Salt Lake City Utah with note --caught on fire, please replace!! :D

Boaner, I thought so!! I wish I can find a job soon that will give me more tales of Hell to tell!! ~:D

Gerald, I know, right? :D

Stim, exactly!! ~":D

Julie, ~shaking head~ The sad part, the GM and his entourage, there for a visit, was so amazed!!! oooooooawwwwwww!! ~:D

lefty, I know!! World is safe because of me!! WOOO!! Well, not right now, I'm not sure who's helping to save it now!! :( :D

cc, thanks, God loves me!! I provide him entertainment!! ~:D

Whistle, Heyzeus from Detroit, but still....:D

jmac, and ID10T error as well!! :D

James, I helped Jesus so he could read his emails!! ~:D

Mark, I know I for one don't miss it. People use to lose their minds on second shift amazingly quick and I worked there for a 11 and a half years with only a few twitches!! Teehee!! ~:D

I like the older BOFH!

ASH, I tried and all I got was an error screen!! RETRY? YES! YES! DEAR GOD YES RETRY!! :D

phyllis, ~nodding~ Yeah, Nick Burns the IT Guy is pretty awesome!! :D
Sure, you helped Jesus read his emails...

Evite from Judas ~

Dinner party in your honor Thursday. It will be epic, bro!!!!!!

He accepted and the rest is history.
Tink,

I really do not wish to be rude, but it seems as if Jesus had a few issues.

Working anywhere in the middle of a corn field does sound heavenly though.

XOXOXO

P.S. Please send my best regards to your lovely wife.
keri, ~nodding~ ~:D

Diary, Jesus had a LOT of issues!! ~:D
You mean you had computers with PRINTERS???? Wow, brave new world is here!!!!
Matt, exactly!!!!!! Brave New World indeed!! :D
What kind of sick puppies did you work? He was trying to "print out a picture FROM HIS DAUGHTER? Was her Epson? HP?
And all your hard work is VERY VERY much appreciated Ollie! You ROCK!!!

Come to LA and have a beer on the Pelican Place Patio!!!!

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