Tinkerertink69

Tinkerertink69
Location
Your closet, Indiana, France
Birthday
July 16
Title
President and CEO of Your Mom
Company
Your closet
Bio
Smell my Paws! Does that smell like poo to you? Writer? No way! I'm a guy with a cat who knows my passwords and likes to blog!! What? Oops, I mean, I'm a cat who likes to blog. Smell my paws!!! French prostitutes? Only on Tuesdays!! Lets cuddle!!

Tinkerertink69's Links

Salon.com
MARCH 31, 2012 5:12AM

THE WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA AND INTERNING ISRAEL!

Rate: 22 Flag

I keep forgetting what Saturday is suppose to be on here!

Handjob weekend?

Depressing stories that Ed I Tor can't handle during the week?

Blowjob Tuesdays?

No wait, Tuesdays is for food and poems about your dead canary Randolph.

I was going to head off to bed but decided to fire up the ole PC one last time and reconnect to the WWW(That's Workers Working Wildly!) for some last minute look-see at what was going on.

My cell phone decided it didn't want to connect to OS so I was forced from my spot on the floor to the PC.

"I no wanna turn on! I tired!" it tried to tell me in some gibberish that Microsoft/Bill Gates coded with Basic 1.0 but I said, NO WAY DUDE, we're going online, I feel good stuff, stuff to cheer me up!

Friday, I woke up in a grand happy mood. 

This week, I had three good companies express interest in me, a possible employer in the batch mayhaps. 

Also, I was hit on by the HR Lady on Tuesday. 

"You have pretty eyes and a nice ass, I hope you get employed here, so I can sexually harass you!"

Blush.

Good times.

By 2pm, I was still in a good mood.

RULE #129,398,009: When in good mood, hide from EVERYONE, including family, friends and the next door neighbor.  They like seeing you in a good mood, but, it seems our moods never 'match up'

I called my folks, like I usually do on Fridays!

"Hey guys!! Great week..."

"Hey son, we'll probably lose the house in a month too!"

AWESOME!

I go outside, wave at the neighbor.

"Hey Joe, what do you know?"

"I have cancer, doctors have giving me three months to live!"

PEACHY!

Phone rings, it's my friend of many years.

"Hey love, how are you?"

"I got the Crabs! You better get checked!"

FUCKIN' AWESOME!!

(Okay, no Crabs, but my butt is sore! Doctor says I should stop using it as a pin cushion!)

So my good mood went out the door and said it might be back next never!

Why that no good cocksucker!

So there I was, down in the dumps, moody blues, not even wanting to write sad poems about busted dams flooding your mom's face with cocktail sauce.

Yeah, that damn low!

I was ready to go on a killing spree, with a six pack of Skittles and a fourty ouncer of Arizona Sweet-Tea EXTRA SWEET when I decided to hit OS at 4:15 in the morning.

I just can't sleep.

Zumalicious, Grand Friend to the House of Robert Xavier Williams aka How the FBI has Tink on file as, posted some pretty pictures!

PRETTY! (Go over and check em out!! If you don't wanna leave here, right click and open as a new page!!! Open never has worked on links and opening new pages!! Some drunk monkey in New Jersey should fix that someday!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

While over there, I noticed some ads on the AdSense side bar.

It was if the Gods of Google said, TINK, HERE IS THE ANSWERS TO YOUR LIFE, GO NOW, AND SPREAD THE GOOD WORD!

The first was:

FIND YOUR INTERNSHIP IN ISRAEL

They'll help me find and fund my exciting 5-to-10 month internship in Israel!

Really.

No kidding!

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

It was almost as awesome the night I seen an ad on TV for a Farmer Dating Service.

"Youse lives out in the country and alls u haz is farm animals to relate with? THEN DO WE HAVE A WEBSITE FOR YOU..."

I gleefully filled out my information(for the internship! The Farmer's Dating site will be next week!).

SEX: Sometimes

DO YOU LIKE TO RUN NAKED AND SCREAM, 'BAALLAAALAAAA!!': Only when I'm drunk!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP: A space pirate or the ice cream man

YOUR LOCATION AND INTERNSHIP: TEL AVIV - NAKED TELEPHONE SALES PERSON.

Hurray.

My dream job!

The next link I clicked was:

JAY HARTMAN --- THERAPY AND COUNSELING

Are you feeling stuck and don't know what to do.  I am here to help you help yourself. Pick up the phone and you will be one  step  closer to finding your way to  a new you where you will feel empowered and on a positive path to growth and well-being.

Stolen straight from Jay Hartman, MSW, LCSW, website!

I want to feel empowered, and on  a positive path to growth and well-being!

And yes, I r feeling stuck and don't know what to do!

Sadly, Jay is based out of New Jersey and I'm in Southern Indiana(where there's no palm trees! Apparently, there are many in NJ, according to the pictures Jay has on his website!!) but, he gave his phone number for me to call.

ME: Hey Jay Hartman, MSW, LCSW!

JAY: Wha? Hello? Wha time is it?

ME: Time is just a number Jay, you taught me that! Relative to the position of our bodies in the scheme of things and its relation to space.

JAY: I said that?

ME: Hell if I know, sounds like something you'd say!! I got issues!

JAY: Who is this?

ME: Names are not important in the field of things, we are giving labels at birth that we do not get to choose!

JAY: Yes, yes, please go one, let me go into the kitchen where I can...

ME: Jay! Stay where you are, comfort is a pleasure area where ever we are, we feel pleasure even when our pain sensors say, OUCH!

JAY: You've read my book, YOU OUCHIE, ME OUCHIE, WE BOTH OKAY!

ME: I'm your biggest fan! But enough about you, what about me?

JAY: What about you?

ME: I feel stuck and I don't know what to do. I signed up to intern in Israel but there has to be more.  Should I fall in love while I'm in Israel.

JAY: I wouldn't.

ME: You always know what to say Jay. Thank you. Go back to bed and dream of naked elephants playing volleyball like you usually do.

JAY: You read my biography too!!

ME: Yes, yes I did!

I felt better talking to Jay, he really deserves the MSW, LCWS behind his name!

DEFINITION TIME!

MSW: My sister's wedding

LCWS: Lazy cows walking sweetly

(I have no idea what they have to do with therapy and such, but they look good behind the name!! Someday I hope to be TINKERER R. TINK, MSW, LCWS, IRT, JESUS CHRIST HMO)

Of course, no cruise through the Internet could be complete without a recipe for what Allrecipes.com declares to be:

WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA RECIPE

According to the site, you can be eating the world's best lasagna in 3 hours and fifteen minutes.

According to the box of insta-lasagna, which tastes like poop from the ass of a dead rhino but only cost $1.00 and serves 873 people, it takes exactly 3 minutes and 37 seconds.

I guess if you have time to kill, then go with the recipe.

Step 1: Call your sister and invite her over for a slice of THE WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA*(if you are to believe ALLRECIPES.COM and why wouldn't ya? Why would Johnchandler lie to you? He wouldn't!)

Step 2: Open your best bottle of wine, mine is MD 20/20, begin drinking.

Step 3: Sister calls you back, should she bring something!  Just your sexy ass, you reply. Your sister giggles. "Have you started drinking without me?" BURP! "I'll take that as a yes! I'll bring a salad and breadsticks!"

Step 4: Watch a spider crawl across the kitchen ceiling, wonder what it would be like to be a spider crawling across the ceiling.

Step 5: Turn on TV, something intellectual! Barney is on!

Step 6: Begin following the recipe legit for THE WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA EVER!!!

Step 7: Discover you don't have anything called ' sweet Italian Sausage' but you do have something called 'Bologna -- expired, July 12th, 1982'  That's pretty sweet, use that instead, same thing right?

Step 8: Discover you don't have any of the ingredient in this recipe. Wonder if Freezer Burned Vanilla Ice Cream is the same as 'Canned Tomato Sauce' in Italian.

Step 9: Keep drinking. Burn self on stove. Stupid stove.

Step 10: Wonder what the hell a 'Dutch Oven' is.  EZ Bake Oven is the closest you got.

Step 11: Discover your oven's 'pre-heat' doesn't heat.  Turn over on to 987 degrees, which should 'pre-heat oven' nicely.

Step 12: Noodles? I need noodles? Have Chinese Noodles in a Cup, break open and assemble ingredients in pie plate I dug out of neighbor's garbage.

Step 13: Sis shows up and wonders why my house smells like something died in it. "I'm making the WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA!"

Step 14: Pass out drunk.  Wake up in hospital with alcohol poisoning.  Sis won't speak to me for months.

Step 15: Buy sis a nice gift from the Dollar Store. We're talking again.

Next week, we'll make SINFUL CHOCOLATE CAKE using a bottle of whipped vanilla vodka and my neighbor's lawn mower!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!

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Comments

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Julie, ;D

And now, I shall go back to....uh....sitting in the corner, pondering the wall!! ~:D
mmm, hmm
I wonder what my dogs think I'm doing for hours at a time staring into this box. Sort of like when they chase imaginary bugs or bark at the wind.
*one nudges the other* she's doing it again.
just ignore her, eventually she'll stop making that annoying clicking sound
I say that there's nothing like eating the world's best lasagna while you're collecting shrapnel along the Gaza Strip.
I was going to say that I've figured out how to blog one handed in bed while petting the Puff, but I don't want to make Julie's dogs jealous. Sh, don't tell.

Now, go hunt down that good mood and snag it in the thorn bushes so it can't get away. Hope your folks don't lose their house.

Naked elephants...
This is why I do not keep my computer in my bedroom.
I just want to concur that that Jake Hartman dude is a big fake!

I picked up my phone a LOT of times (it's pretty light so it wasn't a problem) and I don't feel a bit better.

Besides there's only one man from NJ that I want to cure my depression! (and that would be Beth Mann = ROAWR!)
I just did an internship in Bora Bora. For some reason it looked a lot like Hoboken, New Jersey.
Tink, I thought you should know that an Ontario court decision has just legalised brothels in the province. Perhaps your parental units could shift their museum a bunch of kilometres east? Maybe make it a "living museum" ... if you get my drift.
If it's ok, I'll take a pass on the chocolate cake. I can guess some of the substitute ingredients. Naughty kitty!
-R-
green lasagna?? but st patricks went by a month ago.
HUGGGGGGGGGGG
Tink, you one funny twisted MoFo!! If the real world has your fuzzy tail wrapped up around the axle, check out my latest post... may seem a bit saccharine for your jaded kitty butt - but (How's dat for alliteration?) it's a snappy little tune with it's heart in the right place.
Sounds good--I think the short version of the recipe would be to put the cup of noodles in the microwave with a squirt of ketchup in it and a slice of cheese on top--within 3 minutes it should be lasagney.
And damn, you're getting more interest in your resume than I am.
Maybe I should start using yours.
Hey, I have a great idea for a recipe! Open a can of Campbell's Chunky Soup and pour it over Uncle Bens rice. Great, huh? I saw it on that there TV thingy!
Headline in today's Tampa Bay newspaper:

Unemployment down to 9.4%.. 20,ooo+ jobs added in the first 3 months of this year

And all I could think was who got these jobs, and how many hours and what was the pay...

Because the only three people I personally know who got new jobs in this area are working less than 20 hrs and week and making around $8 an hour.
That won't even keep the rent paid here.
Anywhere
Julie, ~nodding~ Dogs are funny that way!! Cats, we just call the Home and get a nice room with a view!! ~:D

lefty, you found out my internship is going to be!! ~:D

phyllis, I learned how to do that YEARS ago!! ~:D

Me too!!! ~pins the good mood to the thorn bushes~

heron, I tried keeping the computer in the bedroom, kept the wifey awake all night!! She's an addict!! :D

SBA, ~nodding~ If you pay him in bubble gum, he's okay!! :D

Trudge, ~nodding~ Hoboken looks like every city in the world, if you close your eyes!! ~:D

Boaner, I seen that! We're trying to figure out a way to move the brothel!! ;D

L.E. grass clippings are just like flour!! ~:D


rw, ~takes a bow~ :D

Linda, everything I make turns out green!! ~:D

jmac, I got it loaded up right now!!!! Will chex it out soon as I hit POST THIS COMMENT!! :D

Walter, it has taken two years to get that interest!! (When they ask what you've been doing with your time, tell them, smoking weed and making out with your sister is better than, NOTHING REALLY....:D)

And damn your recipe sounds pretty good too!! That's why u are the Master Chef!! :D

(and yeah, if you want, you can use my resume!!! It seems to attract folks now since I put I WAS A HIT MAN FOR JULIA CHILDS!! :D)

CC, damn, that sounds nummy!!! That TV sure is edu-ma-kational!! :D
Handjob weekends vs. Blowjob tuesdays huh?
Shit I really need to move to Indiana.

Oh course, if the average man could blow his own dick, woman would be redundant....

"Press sink please FRed(tm)"
Mission, that's like here, they say the Unemployment rate is under 9 percent, for the last three months, so those of us on extended benefits are losing those on April 16th(I'm lucky, my benefits would have exhausted like one week later.....) but people are still out of work(the part time job I interviewed for I guess has MANY people interviewing, not just applyed!!! according to the Director of the Hell Desk!!!) I think it's all magic numbers or something!
Phyllis is doing a one-handed blog job in bed!!! In front of her cat! Calling your sister and the bridesmaids "lazy cows walking sweetly" isn't very nice. Did the rhino poop before or after it died? Nothing rhymes with Israel or lasagna, have you ever noticed that. But why don't "Yemen" and "semen" rhyme? It's wrecking the geography-of-the- Middle East poem I'm writing for my daughter's homework.
Hold on. I live in Hoboken, NJ. It looks like Bora Bora? How can that be? We have too many Starbucks here, and certainly no palm trees.

Anyway, Tink, this is freakin' hilarious. If this is what comes out of you at 4:15 a.m., be sure to set your alarm more often.
It's amazing, but I had a nearly identical experience last night, something about eating pachyderm poop on a kibbutz in the Negev but my therapist didn't want to discuss String Theory so I poured rum into my toilet bowl and ignited it to feel the flames cleanse the voices in my head.
CreekEnd, ~nodding~ ~:D
Margaret, phyllis is very talented!! And yeah, Yemen and Semen should rhyme!! Force it!! ~:D

And the rhino pooped, AFTER!! :D

Mary, I think it was the long nap I took in the afternoon!! ~:D If I get a job soon, I hope they have naptimes!! ~:D And yeah, I've heard Hoboken looks nothing like Bora Bora!!! Unless you close your eyes!! ~:D

nana, ME TOO!! ME TOO!!! I used vodka though as it was Russia day in my house!! Wooo!! ~:D
toritto, wine on its way!! ;D
Man where do you come up with this stuff. Great read. Rated
mical, I don't take my meds!! :D I mean, there's tradeoffs, my nurses get mad and beat me, not sure if that's a negative though!! :D
OMG, I missed a party at OS. Is that like missing a party in your pants? Thanks for the kindness about the lasagna, but I take no responsibility if you decide that skittles can replace the red and yellow peppers.

You know I am going to steal most of this. If I don't some Salon writer will, but c'est la vie!
ZUMA, steal away!! ~:D I think you'll like my newest article!!! I write about the street
I did! I did force it! And guess what? Once I decided I could rhyme "Yemen" with "semen" the walls of poetry came tumbling down. I rhymed "Iraq" with "fellatio" I rhymed Kuwait with "blow job" I rhymed "Syria" with "anal entry", I rhymed "Lebanon" with bukakke" and it flowed from there! Easy A for the kid!