I keep forgetting what Saturday is suppose to be on here!
Depressing stories that Ed I Tor can't handle during the week?
No wait, Tuesdays is for food and poems about your dead canary Randolph.
I was going to head off to bed but decided to fire up the ole PC one last time and reconnect to the WWW(That's Workers Working Wildly!) for some last minute look-see at what was going on.
My cell phone decided it didn't want to connect to OS so I was forced from my spot on the floor to the PC.
"I no wanna turn on! I tired!" it tried to tell me in some gibberish that Microsoft/Bill Gates coded with Basic 1.0 but I said, NO WAY DUDE, we're going online, I feel good stuff, stuff to cheer me up!
Friday, I woke up in a grand happy mood.
This week, I had three good companies express interest in me, a possible employer in the batch mayhaps.
Also, I was hit on by the HR Lady on Tuesday.
"You have pretty eyes and a nice ass, I hope you get employed here, so I can sexually harass you!"
By 2pm, I was still in a good mood.
RULE #129,398,009: When in good mood, hide from EVERYONE, including family, friends and the next door neighbor. They like seeing you in a good mood, but, it seems our moods never 'match up'
I called my folks, like I usually do on Fridays!
"Hey guys!! Great week..."
"Hey son, we'll probably lose the house in a month too!"
I go outside, wave at the neighbor.
"Hey Joe, what do you know?"
"I have cancer, doctors have giving me three months to live!"
Phone rings, it's my friend of many years.
"Hey love, how are you?"
"I got the Crabs! You better get checked!"
(Okay, no Crabs, but my butt is sore! Doctor says I should stop using it as a pin cushion!)
So my good mood went out the door and said it might be back next never!
Why that no good cocksucker!
So there I was, down in the dumps, moody blues, not even wanting to write sad poems about busted dams flooding your mom's face with cocktail sauce.
Yeah, that damn low!
I was ready to go on a killing spree, with a six pack of Skittles and a fourty ouncer of Arizona Sweet-Tea EXTRA SWEET when I decided to hit OS at 4:15 in the morning.
I just can't sleep.
Zumalicious, Grand Friend to the House of Robert Xavier Williams aka How the FBI has Tink on file as, posted some pretty pictures!
PRETTY! (Go over and check em out!! If you don't wanna leave here, right click and open as a new page!!! Open never has worked on links and opening new pages!! Some drunk monkey in New Jersey should fix that someday!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)
While over there, I noticed some ads on the AdSense side bar.
It was if the Gods of Google said, TINK, HERE IS THE ANSWERS TO YOUR LIFE, GO NOW, AND SPREAD THE GOOD WORD!
The first was:
They'll help me find and fund my exciting 5-to-10 month internship in Israel!
I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was almost as awesome the night I seen an ad on TV for a Farmer Dating Service.
"Youse lives out in the country and alls u haz is farm animals to relate with? THEN DO WE HAVE A WEBSITE FOR YOU..."
I gleefully filled out my information(for the internship! The Farmer's Dating site will be next week!).
DO YOU LIKE TO RUN NAKED AND SCREAM, 'BAALLAAALAAAA!!': Only when I'm drunk!
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP: A space pirate or the ice cream man
YOUR LOCATION AND INTERNSHIP: TEL AVIV - NAKED TELEPHONE SALES PERSON.
My dream job!
The next link I clicked was:
Are you feeling stuck and don't know what to do. I am here to help you help yourself. Pick up the phone and you will be one step closer to finding your way to a new you where you will feel empowered and on a positive path to growth and well-being.
Stolen straight from Jay Hartman, MSW, LCSW, website!
I want to feel empowered, and on a positive path to growth and well-being!
And yes, I r feeling stuck and don't know what to do!
Sadly, Jay is based out of New Jersey and I'm in Southern Indiana(where there's no palm trees! Apparently, there are many in NJ, according to the pictures Jay has on his website!!) but, he gave his phone number for me to call.
ME: Hey Jay Hartman, MSW, LCSW!
JAY: Wha? Hello? Wha time is it?
ME: Time is just a number Jay, you taught me that! Relative to the position of our bodies in the scheme of things and its relation to space.
JAY: I said that?
ME: Hell if I know, sounds like something you'd say!! I got issues!
JAY: Who is this?
ME: Names are not important in the field of things, we are giving labels at birth that we do not get to choose!
JAY: Yes, yes, please go one, let me go into the kitchen where I can...
ME: Jay! Stay where you are, comfort is a pleasure area where ever we are, we feel pleasure even when our pain sensors say, OUCH!
JAY: You've read my book, YOU OUCHIE, ME OUCHIE, WE BOTH OKAY!
ME: I'm your biggest fan! But enough about you, what about me?
JAY: What about you?
ME: I feel stuck and I don't know what to do. I signed up to intern in Israel but there has to be more. Should I fall in love while I'm in Israel.
JAY: I wouldn't.
ME: You always know what to say Jay. Thank you. Go back to bed and dream of naked elephants playing volleyball like you usually do.
JAY: You read my biography too!!
ME: Yes, yes I did!
I felt better talking to Jay, he really deserves the MSW, LCWS behind his name!
MSW: My sister's wedding
LCWS: Lazy cows walking sweetly
(I have no idea what they have to do with therapy and such, but they look good behind the name!! Someday I hope to be TINKERER R. TINK, MSW, LCWS, IRT, JESUS CHRIST HMO)
Of course, no cruise through the Internet could be complete without a recipe for what Allrecipes.com declares to be:
According to the site, you can be eating the world's best lasagna in 3 hours and fifteen minutes.
According to the box of insta-lasagna, which tastes like poop from the ass of a dead rhino but only cost $1.00 and serves 873 people, it takes exactly 3 minutes and 37 seconds.
I guess if you have time to kill, then go with the recipe.
Step 1: Call your sister and invite her over for a slice of THE WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA*(if you are to believe ALLRECIPES.COM and why wouldn't ya? Why would Johnchandler lie to you? He wouldn't!)
Step 2: Open your best bottle of wine, mine is MD 20/20, begin drinking.
Step 3: Sister calls you back, should she bring something! Just your sexy ass, you reply. Your sister giggles. "Have you started drinking without me?" BURP! "I'll take that as a yes! I'll bring a salad and breadsticks!"
Step 4: Watch a spider crawl across the kitchen ceiling, wonder what it would be like to be a spider crawling across the ceiling.
Step 5: Turn on TV, something intellectual! Barney is on!
Step 6: Begin following the recipe legit for THE WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA EVER!!!
Step 7: Discover you don't have anything called ' sweet Italian Sausage' but you do have something called 'Bologna -- expired, July 12th, 1982' That's pretty sweet, use that instead, same thing right?
Step 8: Discover you don't have any of the ingredient in this recipe. Wonder if Freezer Burned Vanilla Ice Cream is the same as 'Canned Tomato Sauce' in Italian.
Step 9: Keep drinking. Burn self on stove. Stupid stove.
Step 10: Wonder what the hell a 'Dutch Oven' is. EZ Bake Oven is the closest you got.
Step 11: Discover your oven's 'pre-heat' doesn't heat. Turn over on to 987 degrees, which should 'pre-heat oven' nicely.
Step 12: Noodles? I need noodles? Have Chinese Noodles in a Cup, break open and assemble ingredients in pie plate I dug out of neighbor's garbage.
Step 13: Sis shows up and wonders why my house smells like something died in it. "I'm making the WORLD'S BEST LASAGNA!"
Step 14: Pass out drunk. Wake up in hospital with alcohol poisoning. Sis won't speak to me for months.
Step 15: Buy sis a nice gift from the Dollar Store. We're talking again.
Next week, we'll make SINFUL CHOCOLATE CAKE using a bottle of whipped vanilla vodka and my neighbor's lawn mower!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!