Today has been rough, I'd tell you about it, but I'm afraid Ed I Tor might EP it as a "Sponsored by Viagra Open Call --- MY LOVE LETTERS TO MYSELF"
Lets just say, it involves family and my inability to kill people with mere thoughts.
So instead of cruising my usual porn chats looking for love in all the wrong places, like a Leisure Suit Larry wannabe, I decided to open my email.
Michele Bachmann, my secret obsession as known by everyone, had sent me a message.
Dear Fellow Conservative,
I had moved back up from 'Dear Friend' of the last update back to 'Fellow Conservative', I felt all warm inside.
I have very exciting news to share, and as one of my most valued supporters, I wanted you to be the first to know! I am proud to announce that my first book, Core of Conviction is being published later this month.
Did you read that?
"My most valued supporters"
I hadn't been called that since 1996 when Bill Clinton called me up, drunk on Dr. Pepper and gasoline to tell me, "You're a good boy! Not like that bulldog Al Gore who won't go out and get me more Dr. Pepper or prostitutes!" and even then, it wasn't said with such fire, but was more of an after thought!
I seemingly may have begun my 'Brilliant Second Career as Sponsored by Michele Bachmann!' I mean, someone has to be her supporter, she keeps losing her staff it would seem, and that's just not right.
(Tink Note --- I made a joke! See, "that's just not right!" teeheehee! ABC, if you read this, like you did my other Michele Bachmann stories, I could really use a TV series, like, I AM NOT A NEWS ANCHOR, BUT THIS IS THE NEWS!)
In Core of Conviction, I open up about myself, and tell the stories that shaped my goals and determination to fight for America. I speak from the heart about my childhood, growing up in Iowa and Minnesota- grounded by my faith and family; about following my dreams- attending college and law school; about starting a successful small business and family in Minnesota; and about my “accidental” career in politics.
I wanted to write her back and tell her, opening up about yourself is not only wrong but also a sin according to the bible, but then I decided just to keep reading.
I once, when I first began this blog, wanted to open up about myself as well, to tell the stories that shaped my goals and determination to fight for America.
But I decided that you, the People, wanted to read instead about my obsession for porn and Shasta soda, so that's what I wrote about instead, it felt right, and my childhood wasn't that crappy enough, as I grew up in Butte, Montana where for a $1.95/hour Cindy Rogers would show you her 'talent' and well, it was well worth the $1.95 even if I didn't last five minutes!
Once, a long time ago, I stumbled into an 'accidental' career, but it wasn't politics but it did involve a jackass and possibly an elephant.
As one of my strongest supporters, I would like to send you your own copy today! With a donation of $75 to my campaign, I will send you an autographed copy of Core of Conviction, and with a donation of $125 I will send you a personalized autographed copy.Now, I was one of the strongest supporters, and you'd think as one of the strongest, I'd get a free copy of her book, but Michele, like the rest of these politicians don't play that game.
For $75, I could hold in my hand, her book.
For $125, she'd autograph it, personalized, like, "To my strongest supporter, my fellow conservative, yours in Jesus and maybe Abbu the Donkey Trainer, Michele Bachmann!" which I could then sell on Ebay for maybe $5.00.
I didn't have the heart to tell her, but I can't read!
As most of you know, I just hit random keys and hope that they make sentences.
I have not nor will ever be your “typical politician.” I entered the public square because I refused to sit by and watch our government make detrimental decisions impacting our children and grandchildren’s future. I started by making calls and writing letters to the local elected leaders, I ran for school board and in 2000 I was elected to Minnesota’s State Senate. That was the start of an amazing journey from Minnesota to the U.S. Congress, and you will read in Core of Conviction, how this journey has progressed to a campaign for President of the United States.
I once tried to enter the public square but was told, "No cats allowed!" and so I sat by and watched the circus clowns perform from two blocks away.
It was my saddest moment of my life, but then, the clowns seen me crying and Bopho the Clown came up to me and said, "Why so sad Mr. Cat?"
And I said, "I can't go into the public square to watch you perform!"
And Bopho gave me a balloon and said, "Always remember, never cry, punch them in the groin!"
Or maybe he said, "Boop!" as that was his trademark saying!
Who knows, who cares!
I once tried to run after a candidate for president, but Jesse Jackson was pretty fast, and I didn't catch him.
I wanted to donate to her cause, to defend her against them damn evil Liberals who were up to no good, but my mom said, "You're going to go live with your aunt and uncle in Bel Aire"
Liberals across the country believe if they defeat our campaign, the Tea Party movement and the values of constitutional conservatism will be eliminated -- gone for good. I need your support to defend myself and our shared constitutional values right away. Please show your support for our shared conservative beliefs by making a donation of $75 or more today
And well, parents just don't understand.
I wondered aloud what constitutional values I would miss the most if them damn Liberals took them away, and I decided my ability to kill people with mere thoughts would be deeply missed.
I already knew not to piss on the electric fence.
This book will reinforce what you, as one of my strongest supporters already know; our country is in dire need of new leadership, and I am the true conservative in this race who has the leadership and experience necessary to turn our economy and government around.
That hurts...a lot.
Seriously, don't do it.
I knew I needed a new leader, my old one died of peeing on the electric fence.
Would Michele be that new leader?
Could she turn our economy and government around?
So instead of going towards the flames of Hell, we could head straight into an atomic blast?
I was hoping for that, "Bright lights! Bright lights!"
This special offer is only being made to my supporters over email and I hope you will show your support by donating $75 or more today to receive an autographed copy of Core of Conviction today or if you would like it personally inscribed to you or a loved one then I hope you will consider a donation of $125.
Thank you for your continued support and friendship. May God bless America.
I wondered aloud once more, did God give two poops about America or was He too busy trying to defeat Donkey Kong?
Did God still play Nintendo (8 bit)?
Was there really a secret door in the castle that led to the shining key in Adventure?
Who the hell knew?
But I was going to steal $125 from the neighbors cause I really wanted her to personalized my copy of the book to read, "To my biggest fan aka Al Gore, thanks for inventing the Internet so I could speak to Tinkerertink69 directly, your love muffin, Michele Bachmann!"
Good night and have a better tomorrow....