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AUGUST 12, 2010 4:53PM

I'm sorry or Live, love, practice safe sex in your bathroom

Rate: 23 Flag

Here recently, it seems like there has been an increase in hopeful loves spamming the bejesus out of Open.Salon.  

Usually, I would have happily spammed them right back in a pursuit of love, sex, or drugs with an additional hope for an email back from Reverend Goodwin.

But lately, I haven't felt like kissy kissy time with these ladies of good breeding but just plain bad luck(TINK NOTE: actually, to be truthful, I believe 99 percent of them are actually Reverend Goodwin who likes to play like he's a she, steal away your heart and then, at the last minute, reveal to you that he's actually Fauvor or Gift or Sali or whomever. I know I like to do that!!!).  My last love lasted a full two weeks with first stories of bad luck, hot weather and then leading to me purposing marriage which led her to say she wanted many children, all named Wendy Maria.

I'm guessing with my current depression and boredom, the women of Love Cycle 99 aka the Girls of Tink decided to break down and rushed Open.

I'm sorry my friends, I should have defended you in this time, but still, the boredom is there, I'm trying to find something to cure these feelings and am hoping that the new branded series of American Chopper, starting tonight, will help. 

The new season of LA Ink looks like it might be good enough to get me back in the saddle for some love.

I love that show.  They got me hooked with Miami Ink and then well, Kat, Corey and the rest, especially this last season with the turmoil and this season with Corey Miller leaving the shop, well, it just has kept me.

Maybe TLC could pick up my reality TV show, TINK FINDS LOVE IN NIGERIA, with scripts like below, well, who wouldn't watch?!! Besides me, of course, I hate these dramas.


me  GIFT MAJER GAI as Nigerian Orphan in need of help, and only Edward Fartes can give it to her, apparently!


Ooooooooh, come and listen to my story,
About a man named Ed, who was sitting around waiting for his toe nails to dry,
When along came a message from a girl named Gift, and started out a love affair that lasted for awhile,


This week's episode begins after our hero, super model and international man of mystery, Edward Fartes, sent a message to our heroine, Ms. Gift Majer Gai, informing her that he had sent to her mucho cash funds through Western Union.

MTCN : 602 155 4697
Sender's Name: Edward Fartes
Question: Where am I?
Amount send: $37,723.00 usd**

The Good Reverend Goodwin must have rushed down to the Western Union office, so eager to help Gift make it to the man who loved her so much, he would do anything for her, including watching every Kevin Costner's bad movies he ever made all in a row, without standing up and leaving to take a piss even.

GIFT MAJER GAI: (Not sure of the emotion, maybe laughing as she just farted loudly before hitting send) Good Day my Sweetheart,

How are you today? i hope everything in your control are moving fine, if so thanks be to God almighty and every members of your family,

Honey why all this to me you said you send some money to prepare my traveling documents and i went to Rev father office to inform him about the money and he went to western union office and they said the information is not correct,
Sweetheart the Rev father said that if you know you send some  money to me to prepare my traveling document why can't you send the transfer slip and you are delaying since two day now why?? you are making me to remember when my father was alive, i am now in middle of death no help i put my trust in you to make family with you and you are now disappointing me Honey why??.

Sweetheart please try to write to me today and send me the transfer slip so that i will know where to start i am miss you so much please try and see how my situation is now, my situation is worst now and don't forget i still remain your i love

Ed wouldn't reply for days to this message either for long dramatic pauses. Gift sent like four or five messages during this time with such pleas as, "Where are you? I hope you are not dead!" and finally, Ed revealed the truth of his absence.

Stupid terrorists shooting him and then the wounds getting infected.  Pfffft!

EDWARD FARTES:  (Coughing and dying in his hospital bed)  Dearest Gift, my love, my sweet little thing, I am sorry I have not been in contact with you, I fell ill due to my injuries and have been in the hospital near death, I am able to type barely now, and thought I would send you word,
My sister told me that you and the Good Reverend were unable to retrieve the cash I sent you, this is very strange as I am able to see the funds waiting to be retrieved. I have tried to scan in the transfer slip but for some reason, it will not scan.
I have notified my long time business partner of your inability to get the funds I have sent and he has stated he can help us in our endeavors,
Here is the phone number: contact person Mr Philip Huma
  Telephone  +
22548310449 (TINK NOTE: This is from another spammer who decided I was cool enough to help him transfer like a billion dollars from British Bank of Lungabungalow or something! I thought maybe he could help Gift get her money!!)
You will need the following pass phrases to intituate the process -- "My passcode is 123740. Please help me!"  when you get ahold of Mr. Philip Huma.
Your love,

GIFT MAJER GAI: (Weeping and crying, pointing a finger at Tink aka Edward Fartes) 

Hello my sweetheart,
How are you today, l am very sorry to heard that you was admitted at the hospital but i hope you are getting more better now? i was surprise that you couldn't scan ordinary transfer slip to me to prove that you send money to me.

Please my dear you don't need to deceive your self, you did not send any money to me that the plain truth so i am not contacting whom i don't know, please if you are helping me better inform me then to use my intelligent.

My dear despite my refugee status i am wish enough to no when you are telling me the truth or lies, for your information, you are completely a joker and i don't think i can write to you again if you continue lying to me but nevertheless God knowns the heart of men but i still love you, take good care of your self and God will heal you from that illness sooner.

Edward says nothing but hangs his head in shame.

She was right, he thought to himself, he was a joker, he hadn't really sent off any money and just wanted her to call another scammer so they could talk, maybe start a support group like, "I GOT SCREWED OVER FOR WEEKS BY HOCHI69!!!!"

For awhile, Gift said nothing, no daily emails wondering what happened to our love, our plans of marriage, having 16 kids all named JuJu, the mansion in the hills where we would grow old together and bounce our grandchildren on our knees as we sipped lemonade from tall glasses filled to the brim with ice and scotch and somehow forgot to add the lemonade.

But then, she spoke again, tears filling her eyes, her heart broken and set a-thunder, she could not resist one more attempt at regaining her dream of a family and millions of dollars that sat idly in a bank someplace in Africa.

GIFT MAJER GAI: (ALL SAD AND SHIT)Good evening sir Edward,

How are you today, i hope all is well with you, how are you now i know you are taking good care of yourself, i hope you have come out of hospital?

So this is how you want to abounded me and make my life measurable no problem but bear it in mind that God will not be happy with you because he send you to save an orphan like me but you insist just because of money, if i die here God must sureing  ask you of my soul,

I am now in big suffering and pains since then i m very serious sick no one to care of me my eyes have filled with tears every night and day i am seriously indeed of your help i waiting for quick response.

Oh the horror, my friends, I could not stand idly by while my Gift died in some foresaken place. I could not joke around with her pain, I felt sick in my brain, as if God was telling me , 'Help this young orphan, to make her well again, and then bring her to the dream you both spoke about in terms set forth by long dead romantic poets in Ancient Greece!'

Yes, my friends, I would respond this time, something dramatic, filled full of love and such!

Also, some how, Ed had become a knight(probably in rusted armor!!!).

Edward Fartes: (All valiant and stuff from his hospital bed, where he woke up from a coma after his half sister read Gift's heart wenching letter to him...TEARS....) Dearest Gift, I have felt so bad when I read your last email to me, I fell into a coma, the doctors thought I was dead and according to my family, they were ready to pull the plug on my life supports, but then my sister, Maria Sanchez read to me your lastest email to me, that I awoke, as if by the power of your words shook me from the grip of death and pulled me back to the land of the living.
I thank you, my dearest gift to my life, she who I wish someday to produce many children with in our love and to grow old with, to hold closely to me, to fight the valiant fight against the sufferage of the world so they shall never touch my Gift again.
As soon as I am well enough and ready to leave the hospital, I will battle the forces which keep you down and away from me, until then, I remain forever yours,

End episode to pre-taped applause of audience.  Fade to black...

 I know, I'm all weepy just writing  this, so sad, so sad.  Reality at its most unreal that people won't believe that it's actually happening!

(Heck, if I hadn't decided to read Gabby Abby's meta piece including me, I wouldn't have thought to write this and checked my Hochi69's hotmail account to discover Gift's newest email to me(she sent it to me on the 6th of August!! I hope she's holding her breath in hopes that I write back...TEEHEEHEE!!!! I know, such an asshole to the mother of my future children!!)

Good night and have a better tomorrow ---

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Brilliant, I often wonder if I would get an answer to all of the young women who write pleading their devotion to a poor little Sea Dragon.
I sure hope you can find a job soon, Tink. You've got me really worried about you. :-)
Poetess, ooh, you write them they'll respond back!! ~L~ It's an ego booster that's for sure!! :D

L, hey, my wife says the same thing!! ;D
I'm thinking a little less spam would do you good . . . but then again, where would you find inspiriation for such fine posts as these?
You old heartbreaker, TNT69! Was your coma catnip induced?
Tink, it's a little scary how well you write in the voice of a refugee orphan internet bride. Maybe that can be your new line of work: "Attention: refugee orphan internet brides! Simply transfer $37,000 USD to my bank account, and you'll double your investment when I introduce you to the suave, confident, wealthy American man of your dreams . . . a man who spends a little too much time on the internet . . . a man who is waiting just for a Gift like you!"
Owl, I'm not sure, my back yard? :D

onl, yes, yes it was!! ;D

Susan, I've had lots of practice, lots of emails from Gift have made me, well, speak like her!! ~LMAO~ "My lifey sucks, please, send money now!! Wooowooowooo!!" ~L~
I love Nigerian soap operas.
littlewillie, me too!! WOOO!! :D
Does Tinky need Cookies? :)

Mike Fleiss and Heather Adams (producers of the Bachelorette) move over there's a new honcho in town and his name is Tink. His show new reality show is unbelievable.

BTW, Gift gave me a gift that keeps on giving. You should visit the clinic if you know what I mean.

You're too good for TLC.
you never cease to amaze me...:)
Steve took my line...okay and Lezlie too. xo (but not in an internet porn way) ;_}
I smell an Emmy in Tink's future!
Tink, me tink you need a nap. :)
I'm coming over to have one of those tall glasses of lemonade, because I'm feeling kind of abounded lately.
LadyM, yes!! ;) Brownies too!! Boohoohoo!! And a Coca-Cola!!! ;D

Trudge, already did and it's positive. I got an STP!! WAAAAA!!! Yeah, I could have misheard them. :D

Steve, I know, but they the only ones offering. Course, Fox said if I throw in a pyschotic zoo keeper, they'll offer me a show!! Can you play a pyschotic zoo keeper? AWESOME!!! ;)

lemonpulp, I try to amaze!! And when that fails, I go for shock!! ;)

Kimberly, I've tried, today I got one, she was totally hot, according to her profile pic here!! Oh my yes!! :D

Muse, it's okay, fklflsdkg took my line!! :( ~L~ ;)

Cranky, that'd be sweet. I could be like those Jersey Shore folks, all suntanned and have muscles and such!!!!!! And buy cool stuff for all my friends. Wooooo!! ;)

Fay, sadly, this is what happens when I get lots of sleep!! ';D

sixtycandles, ~nodding~ Yeah, come on over and get unbounded!! :D
currently taking time out from drowning in the luxurious
warm compliant flesh of my OS soulmate,
whom i captured with very little effort
to write to you this:

you wouldn't be on OS unless
"she" ---the perfect she, your sentencing finishing

sexy innocent tatooed gal
angry and vulnerable, hating all the sex
she has ever had, which has taught her only 10,000
ways to please a pig-man, so she always had to go to the
"other camp", etc....who is

there for you. Here.
Now, maybe.
Keep responding.

currently taking time out from drowning in the luxurious
warm compliant flesh of my OS soulmate,
whom i captured with very little effort
to write to you this:

you wouldn't be on OS unless
"she" ---the perfect she, your sentencing finishing

sexy innocent tatooed gal
angry and vulnerable, hating all the sex
she has ever had, which has taught her only 10,000
ways to please a pig-man, so she always had to go to the
"other camp", etc....who is

there for you. Here.
Now, maybe.
Keep responding.

i meant to say: unless she were here,
you wouldn't be doing this...God's guarantee
Is this life-changing information available through a course that will be offered via online universities, or is it part of the thesis for your PhDs in socioeconomic research and applied psychology?

I want an invitation to the after-party! R
Tink, your abilities continue to astound me! Who was your Yoda? Oh wait, if you see small green guys with pointed ears that means that the medications have kicked in.... never mind!
You are seriously beginning to worry me, Tink.
mr.sunshine, ahhh, you might be right, I'm here for a reason, so I keep responding!! :)

Natalie, I should offer a course in this!!! :D Drinks all around!! ;D

Cymraeg, ~nodding~ I see little people dancing behind my toilet, that's good, right? :D

Boanerges, I'm worrying myself!! EEK!! :D