The other night, I was watching TV, and usually by the time I get home, there's crap on, I mean, informercials are cool but you can only watch the Magic Bullet one so many times before you're thinking, "No! You can't make an omellete in that thing, you can only mix it with it!! If you don't use like stove or whatever, you just got egg smoothie!!" And when you hit that point, you've lost the magic of the Magic Bullet!(the same can be said for the Girls Gone Wild ones too, you can only hear the saying "There's my boobs!" so many times before the giggle factor wears off!(if you haven't seen the moment I speak of, thank the Gods and move along!! The Tink on the other hand, has it on TIVO!! Haha, just kidding, I recorded it to DVD already!!) So anyways, I made it to the BIOGRAPHY channel before their programming goes to PAID ADVERTISMENT and watched a bio, I think it was about someone famous, though I can't remember and before you giggle that away, remember, we live in a time where you can become famous and BIO worthy just because some presidential candidate used you as an example in their 2008 campaign and now, you got a 5 to 6 figure book deal on the ready. God bless the easy road to famousiness.
Anyways, before I get all 'This sucks!' on that, let me get back to the original point of this post, I was sitting there and as sometimes happens, I began to think, well ponder mostly, how my bio would be like when I become like world famous. I know the first part of my life, aka the younger informative years, will be full and special, and inspirational to all chronic masturb...I mean....to all, yeah. I'll make sure that my heroic acts I performed before I was twenty will be mentioned, like when I saved that whole bus load of nuns before the bus went totally off the cliff. You probably read about it, it was in all the newspapers. Hard to believe I wasn't even three when I did that. Or the time I saved those strippers from that burning church. God, what a mess that was. Barely nine. Ten to about twenty becomes kind of blurry, it may have been to the paint fumes I use to huff but we'll leave that part out of the bio pic and replaced it with 'Tink spent the time between 10 and 20 in a monastary in Tibet, learning the mysteries of life!' That sounds much better than 'Tink did a lot of drugs!' I probably should make some friends besides my imaginary ones. That wouldn't look good on the bio pic, having interviews with my imaginary friends, they don't show up too well on camera and they really don't talk too much outside of me, so, uh, better put that on the list.
Also, if it goes beyond the BIOGRAPHY channel, like a movie, I better put it down here, I would like Tom Cruise to play my gay lover, Charles, and Antonio Banderas will play me, though not my real name, which I hate using in public(Dickahertz, god my parents were/are cruel!!!) my bio movie(called UNTRUTH: THE TRUE TO LIFE STORY OF ONE MAN AND HIS DOG, LADY B!) will be an Oscar winning, tear jerker of my adventure, true to life and everything(maybe not my life, but hey, I don't think anyone wants to watch my life on the big screen, me, in my boxers, typing on a keyboard at 3 o clock in the morning, oh my no, we must change that to fighting 12 foot tall dragons!!! Much better!)
I don't want to be famous though just because I was on a reality tv show or some politician gave me a nickname such as Bud the Cable TV guy or Jack the Plumber. I mean, that's only good for the first 6 months of the campaign or after the show goes dark and then everyone would be like, "Who the hell is that?" OH HE WON THE NINEHUNDRED AND TWENTY THIRD SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL! "Who?" I wouldn't mind being famous for writing a series of books that become #1 feel good movie of the century. That might be fun actually, cause then my publicist could be like, "He started life out as a welfare mom...no wait, that was someone else, I think he might have been a computer technician for the Mob and then he wrote this story called YOU CAN TRAIN A RETARDED MONKEY TO FLY A 747, BUT THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF CRASHES! while he monitored some AS400 system. He was lonely, very very lonely!" Also, when I do become famous, you, the friends and readers of my various blogs and posts and such online can go, "Oh yes, he use to write me dirty love poems with the word vagina misspelled all the time. I didn't know his real name was Dickahertz. Nor that his mom was a electrical engineer! The things we learn!" and yes, I will bribe you a lot to say good things about me, the price sheet will be shipped to you!
Of course, Oprah and all the rest, including yourself, will learn the harsh truth, I made the entire story up, there were no nuns in a burning bus with strippers about ready to go over the cliff and blow up the church below, but I saved them all with my superpowers. Nor was I involved with Siamese twin lovers. No, it was all a lie. Oprah will cry, and with each tear and outraged words, my book, already a #1 seller , will soar even farther, as folks rush out to buy it and find out what else I lied about. The movie, already an Oscar winner, will be denounced by the Pope as being Anti-Catholic and such and will soar even further in the money maker charts.
And then, my 19 year old lover, she'll find my body, slumped over on the toilet, cause that's how all great famous folks go, in the bathroom, on the toilet is better, in the bath tub, more artistic but not as funny in the bio pic. And people will cry, all my friends and fans(all 3 of them!!!) will be at my funeral, weeping, and the press might be there too(I hope Wire will be there, but if they can't make it, GEEK would be good too!!!)
So now that I gave you the whole of my life story, you won't have to watch the BIOGRAPHY channel BIO!! ;)
Good night and have a better tomorrow.