Los Angeles, California, USA
March 10
Artist, Philosopher
"There is a natural aristocracy among men. The grounds of this are virtue and talents." Thomas Jefferson. ************************************** The earth knows my step, the deaf hears my voice and the blind sees my words. My hope is to introduce civility, class--unrelated to money--and honor into American culture. I am the defender of the weak.


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MARCH 24, 2010 12:59PM

Slutingham vs. Everwood

Rate: 89 Flag


Ms. Slutingham sues Dr. Everwood for sexual harassment, indecent exposure in a department store. She claims substantial emotional distress, and both compensatory and general damages. Although the evidence is vague on the indecent exposure charge, the case still goes to trial. Ms. Slutingham is a beautiful divorcee in her late twenties, a bit too au courant for her own good. She comes from new money. Dr. Everwood is a renowned neurologist in his late forties; a very elegant narcissist, not exactly a lawyer’s dream client. Mrs. Cohen, a famous trial lawyer known for her fierceness, is Dr. Everwood’s attorney; Mr. Kline, Ms. Slutingham’s attorney, is also a respected professional.

Ms. Projak is Ms. Slutingham’s friend, a witness for the plaintiff; Mrs. White works in the department store, a witness for the defendant. The judge is a brilliant and distinguished woman in her early fifties with radiant beauty and grace.  

(A repost, one-act play in blog format for your reading pleasure)

Scene One—Mrs. White

Mrs. Cohen.
Mrs. White, how long have you worked for Lacey’s?

Mrs. White. Almost twenty years.

Mrs. Cohen. (Pointing at the plaintiff) Do you recognize Ms. Slutingham over there?

Mrs. White. Yes, I do.

Mrs. Cohen. Mrs. White, when did you first, see Ms. Slutingham?

Mrs. White. Around two O’clock in the afternoon, it was Wednesday the twenty-fourth.

Mrs. Cohen. Was Ms. Slutingham alone?

Mrs. White. No, she was with a friend, the lady in the green, purple, (contemptuously) brown dress sitting behind her.

Mrs. Cohen. Ah, this is Ms. Projak, Ms. Slutingham’s friend. Did you talk to Ms. Slutingham?

Mrs. White. Yes, we had a big sale on some brand name shoes. She wanted me to help her.

Mrs. Cohen. Do you remember what she said to you?

Mrs. White. She said: “Hey! You! I want you to show me the come-fuck-me-pumps in this magazine.”

Mrs. Cohen. How long did you stay and help Ms. Slutingham?

Mrs. White. Fifteen, twenty minutes.

Mrs. Cohen. Do you remember what was Ms. Slutingham wearing?

Mrs. White. (Disgusted) Oh yeah! She had on a tiny yellow top, a very short pink skirt, and blue heels.

Mrs. Cohen. You still remember even the colors; Ms. Slutingham must have made a big impression on you?

Mrs. White. Well, she was very rude. She was practically naked and with all those colors she looked like a parrot. Even her bra and panties did not match.

Ms. Slutingham. (Screaming) Shut up bitch! I was wearing a hundred dollar “Melissa” thongs.

Judge. Order in the court, Ms. Slutingham! Be quiet!

Mrs. White. (Gloating) It’s Malizia, not “Melissa”; it’s La Perla, and they were forty bucks…tops.

Mrs. Cohen. Mrs. White! How did you see Ms. Slutingham’s underwear? Did you go into a fitting room with her?

Mrs. White. No, I didn’t need to go into any rooms; her skirt was too short, anyone could see her underwear.

Mr. Kline. Objection!

Judge. Not quite yet, Mr. Kline.

Mrs. Cohen. Mrs. White, would you describe Ms. Slutingham appearance and behavior as normal, casual, or would you describe it as obvious, promiscuous, and lewd?

Mr. Kline. Leading the witness!

Judge. Rephrase, Mrs. Cohen.

Mrs. Cohen. Mrs. White! How would you describe Ms. Slutingham’s behavior?

Mrs. White. (Charging) She was acting like a slut.

Mrs. Cohen. During that time, did you see Dr. Everwood?

Mrs. White. The first time I saw him is when she (pointing at Ms. Slutingham) called him over.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham called Dr. Everwood over?

Mrs. White. Yes, she did. She asked him which pair of shoes he thinks looked better.

Mrs. Cohen. And what did Dr. Everwood say?

Mrs. White. I didn’t hear, I could not wait to run and help another customer that’d been waiting on me a while.

Mrs. Cohen. Thank you Mrs. White, no further questions. 



Scene Two—Dr. Everwood

Mrs. Cohen.
Dr. Everwood, what were you doing at Lacey’s on the afternoon of Wednesday the twenty-fourth?

Dr. Everwood. I was buying my wife a dress and some new shoes for a special occasion.

Mrs. Cohen. This is when Ms. Slutingham called you over?

Dr. Everwood. Yes.

Mrs. Cohen. Dr. Everwood, were you sexually aroused while talking with Ms. Slutingham?

Dr. Everwood. I got a boner, yes.

Judge. Dr. Everwood, you are a physician, Sir; talk like one.

Dr. Everwood. Sorry, your honor…I had an erection.

Mrs. Cohen. Dr. Everwood, from where you stood, could Ms. Slutingham see you had an erection? How close were you to Ms. Slutingham?

Dr. Everwood. (Arrogantly) Oh yeah, she saw; four, five feet, it didn’t matter.

Mrs. Cohen. So, you deliberately had an erection, with the intent of sexually assaulting Ms. Slutingham. Is that correct, Dr. Everwood?

Dr. Everwood. (Startled) No! Of course not.

Mrs. Cohen. What was your intent, then? Why did you get an erection pretty much in Ms. Slutingham’s face?

Dr. Everwood. (Confidently) There is no intent in erection. An erection is an involuntary response. I cannot will, or command a boner—excuse me your honor—I cannot will an erection, no man can.

Mr. Kline. I must ask for Mr. Everwood’s response to be stricken from the record. Mr. Everwood is not an expert on male erection.

Judge.  With all due respect, Mr. Kline, it seems to me that this is exactly why we’re here. Dr. Everwood is a certified neurologist; I’ll allow his testimony and we’ll be also happy to hear from your expert.

Mrs. Cohen. Dr. Everwood, are you saying that an erection is an involuntary act and a man is not responsible for it.

Mr. Kline. Objection! Your honor, please.

Judge. Overruled; Dr. Everwood! Please elaborate.

Dr. Everwood. Penile erection is an involuntary act. It is no coincidence that it is controlled by the involuntary or autonomic nervous system. A man has little or no voluntary control over an erection. An erection might not occur when you want it and; conversely, it may happen when you least expect it. You could get an erection looking at one woman and you could lose one looking at another. I’ll be glad to point out examples for each right here.

Judge. (Addressing a child) Thank you, Dr. Everwood, that won’t be necessary.

Mrs. Cohen. Dr. Everwood! Did you at any point touch Ms. Slutingham?

Dr. Everwood. No.

Mrs. Cohen. Dr. Everwood, did you at any point touch yourself?

Dr. Everwood. No. I may have tried to hide…put away…down, you know…tuck it away—no.

Mrs. Cohen. Dr. Everwood, did you at any point expose yourself to Ms. Slutingham.

Dr. Everwood. No.

Mrs. Cohen. I want to make this very clear to the jury. Did you at any point unzip your pants; take your penis ou[t]…

Judge. (Interrupting) We got it, Mrs. Cohen. I got it, and the jury got it.

Mrs. Cohen. Thank you Dr. Everwood, no further questions.




Scene Three—Ms. Slutingham (cross examination)


Mrs. Cohen. Good afternoon Ms. Slutingham, my name is Sarah Cohen.

Ms. Slutingham. Hi.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham, you heard the testimony about your attire on the day in question. It was freezing that day. It was 20 degrees and you were in a small top, a very short see-through skirt, can you explain that?

Ms. Slutingham. I do not care what anyone says. I have panties in all colors. You are just trying to make me look bad. My psychologist says that I can show my body off and still be a great mother as long as I take care of number one: me.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham, your maternal skills are not on trial here, my client is. I just want to understand your frame of mind the day in question. Would you describe your attire…

Judge. (Interrupting, impatiently) Move on, Mrs. Cohen.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham, did you intend to seduce my client.

Ms. Slutingham. (Rushing in a eureka moment) You are generalizing, Mrs. Cohen. A woman wears a short skirt, she’s automatically a slut. (Victoriously) That’s a generalization; I hear that all the time on TV, I know what you’re doing.

Mrs. Cohen. (Exchanging glances with the Judge) You got me there, Ms. Slutingham. Please, answer my question; did you intend to seduce my client?

Ms Slutingham. No, I was dressed normal and I was acting very normal. In fact, my psychologist said that I am perfectly normal, especially since I made peace with myself. I learned to like myself. I love myself.

Mrs. Cohen. Good for you, Ms. Slutingham, good for you. Now, both Mrs. White and Ms. Projak testified earlier that on the afternoon of Wednesday the twenty-fourth, at Lacey’s department store, you called Dr. Everwood over to ask him about some shoes you were trying on. Is that correct?

Ms. Slutingham. Yes.

Mrs. Cohen. Why did you pick Dr. Everwood?

Ms. Slutingham. He was wearing a gold Rolex watch and a very expensive suit.

Mrs. Cohen. It was an expensive suit indeed; he was wearing a Fioravanti. Not today, though; today, he is wearing an H. Huntsman’s.

Ms. Slutingham. So?

Mrs. Cohen. Exactly, my point, Ms Slutingham, the gold Rolex and the expensive suit made my client what, safe to ask?

Ms. Slutingham. Yes, I thought he was a winner! There are a lot of losers out there. I am an independent woman and single mother; I do not talk to poor guys. Obviously, you do not watch Dr. Phil?

Mrs. Cohen. No, Ms. Slutingham, I admit, I do not. Now, you testified earlier that you felt threatened when Dr. Everwood had an erection. When did you notice that Dr. Everwood had an erection, before or after you asked him about the shoes?

Ms. Slutingham. Oh, before. When he came over, he was staring at my boo[bs]…my body, and right there, poof, it was like…magic.

Mrs. Cohen. And yet, Ms. Slutingham, you still continued to talk to him, you still asked him about your shoes. You weren’t threatened by his erection after all, were you?

Ms. Slutingham. Well, that was before I knew he was a pervert.

Mrs. Cohen. So, what tipped you off? When did you realize that my client was a pervert?

Ms. Slutingham. When he opened his mouth, when I asked him which pair he thought fit me better, he violated me; I was violated.

Mrs. Cohen. Why, Ms Slutingham, what did Dr. Everwood do or say?

Ms. Slutingham. (Tearfully) He’s an idiot, what does he know? He is a pervert.

Mrs. Cohen. Your honor!

Judge. Ms. Slutingham! Calm down please, and answer the question.

Ms. Slutingham. He said my feet were too big for both pairs. This monster said I should not wear open toe.

Mrs. Cohen. That does not make Dr. Everwood a pervert, does it?

Ms. Slutingham. He was playing with himself. It was big…it was very scary. I was devastated.

Mrs. Cohen. What was big, Ms. Slutingham?

Ms. Slutingham. His di[ck]…his penis.

Mrs. Cohen. How did you see that? Did Dr. Everwood expose himself to you?

Ms. Slutingham. I will never forget that bulge in his pants…disgusting; it will haunt me forever.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham, one last question, you and Ms. Projak testified that Dr. Everwood exposed himself. Did my client expose himself to you? Remember, you are under oath. Do you understand the question?

Ms. Slutingham. Yes, and yes he did expose himself to us.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham! Did you actually see my client’s penis?

Ms. Slutingham. (Affirmatively) Yes I did.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham! What did Dr. Everwood’s penis look like?

Mr. Kline. Your honor, please!

Judge. Be more specific, Mrs. Cohen, and wrap it up.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms Slutingham, you said you saw Dr. Everwood’s penis, exposed, is that correct?

Ms. Slutingham. (Annoyed) Yes, I said yes.

Mrs. Cohen. Did it look like a normal penis to you?

Mr. Kline. Objection!

Judge. Mrs. Cohen! I will hold you in contempt.

Mrs. Cohen. (Pleadingly) I am about to establish the witness is lying, your honor. I have one follow up question, this is my whole case.

Judge. Answer the question, Ms. Slutingham!

Ms. Slutingham. (Angrily) OK! Fine! It wasn’t normal, it was huge.

Mrs. Cohen. Did you notice any distinguishing marks, like a birth mark, or anything out of the ordinary on my client’s penis?

Ms. Slutingham. (Hesitantly) I don’t remember.

Mrs. Cohen. Ms. Slutingham, you just said that Dr. Everwood’s penis was huge, was that a generalization? Did you or did you not see any distinguishing marks on my client’s penis?

Ms. Slutingham. (Defiantly) No, I did not.

Mrs. Cohen. Thank you, Ms. Slutingham, no further questions. Your honor, I would like to submit this photograph as evidence, exhibit one. May I approach, your honor. (The bailiff hands the judge a big brown envelope)

Mr. Kline. Objection, your honor, I had no prior notification.

Mrs. Cohen. Disclosure does not apply here your honor.

Judge. (Opens the envelope, looks at the photograph briefly, clears her throat) Both of you approach the Bench, now.


Judge. (Whispering) Mrs. Cohen, is this an enlarged photograph of Dr. Everwood’s penis?

Mrs. Cohen. Yes, your honor, it is life-size, though, your honor.

Judge. What is it doing in my courtroom? What? You want me to show the jury a picture of a penis? Are you out of your mind?

Mrs. Cohen. Your honor, my client’s entire future is at stake here, his reputation, career, marriage…just please, look again, notice the huge reddish-brown spot, no one can ever miss that; she’s lying, your honor!

Judge. (Looks at the photograph for a long minute and orders the attorneys back to their seats) In light of this new overwhelming evidence, case dismissed!


Thoth © 2010



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" ...cannot will, or command a boner..."
Oh man, how I can relate to that.
What a fun read !
Oh, Joy ! Will come back for a through read.
Okay this was good

But, man, with the title, I would have sworn this was going to be a post about English Premiere League Football (soccer) LMAO
LOL! Gosh, Thoth. Did placebostudman's earlier post remind you of this in your archives?
Characters aptly named in this enthralling drama! I don't suppose the actress playing Ms. Slutingham would be interested in auditioning for a, role??? rated for admiration
This was great! Thank you for brightening my day.
"Mrs. Cohen. Did it look like a normal penis to you?" I am seeing Young Frankenstein and the words Abby Normal come to mind. I have no idea why but then I have no idea about a lot of things. :-) R
"I’ll be glad to point out examples for each right here." That's a good one.
What a delightful, hilarious parody of something many of us can relate.
Compliments of the highest degree to your sense of humor and playfulness. Rated.
Sad, sad world we live in . . . but damn, you do the "show don't tell" so very well here. Just the facts, as presented. Nice, very nice!
Did this occur in Effington, IL?
"It’s Malizia, not “Melissa”; it’s La Perla, and they were forty bucks…tops."

You really know your thongs! Very funny!
Potent Penis Pic Presented...Dick Dot Dictates Dismissal
Oh. Brother. You are too much sir--in every way. ;)
That was hilarious!!! What a great read, riotous court room dramedy and colorful characters, with and without their clothes on!

You are a deft writer and dare I say, humorist. You could write for TV sitcoms!!!

This was thoroughly entertaining and a great laugh for the day!

Thoth, I am so impressed by your use of dialogue. It flows, it makes sense and I can see it played out... in color, in my head. I would LOVE to see this as a screenplay. Better yet - on a screen. Deeeee-lightful.
I seriously had to think at first.. "is this a joke"... then I was like.. "nah".. "this shit happens".. then I realized... TOO FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!
Well done. Well Done... love it
Oh just too damn funny . . . yet kinds sad. But still funny! :)
You deserve a Cadbury Egg, you crafty Ibis! ;)

Trials are plays - Scripted but with a little improv following a distinct set of rules. The jury is the audience and decides the winner and loser.
Can you describe my demeanor?
Hmmm...I'm thinking of using the name Ms. Slutingham sometime when....uh, um....never mind.
Read this and thought I liked the format and was engaged in the exchange. Rated.
Good unpredictable dialogue that fits the characters.
The sentence " Do you remember what was Ms. Slutingham wearing?' is awkward. I don't think the names Slutingham and Everwood contributed to the humor. I'd have preferred more normal character names. And I'd have liked an outburst from Mrs. White near the end.
This is good writing, or I wouldn't bother submitting my 2 cents.
Thoth..very entertaining and comical.
Hehehehe!! And now the case for a strap on...xox
This is GREAT. Can so relate.
A real Perry Mason moment, right here on OS! Excellent writing as usual. Thoth, you should be screenwriter my man and hire me as your agent. We would be rich I tell you, rich!!
Enjoyed! Sadly I know woman like that...silly women.... Great story!
Monty Python came to mind:

Colonel: Now, I've noticed a tendency for this programme to get rather silly. Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things getting silly. Those two last sketches I did got very silly indeed, and that last one about the bed was even sillier. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do...except perhaps my wife and some of her friends...oh yes and Captain Johnston. Come to think of it most people likes a good laugh more than I do. But that's beside the point. Now, let's have a good clean healthy outdoor sketch. Get some air into your lungs. Ten, nine, eight and all that. R
This is a good one.
If you produce this play, will you have to offer "dicktion" lessons? This is a riot with a number of very smart underlying truths.
I think you should change the title to "Spotted Dick," include the recipe for spotted dick and submit it on Foodie Tuesday. (Well, you did ask for input!)
my goodness, this is a side of you I hadn't seen...I think I like it ;-)
You are VERY GOOD at dialogue!!! I got sucked into the conversation completely.
This probably happens more often than you would think.
Wasn't there a Michael Jackson trial where the minor that accused Jackson, had to describe Jackson's penis while the jury was given a picture of Jackson's privates.

Fun read.

"(Whispering) Mrs. Cohen, is this an enlarged photograph of Dr. Everwood’s penis? "
Funny, clever and wonderful. I really like how you show the different perspectives, as in Rashamon. Well done.
I worked with Ms. Slutingham at one of my jobs. lol entertaining rated~
I started reading this at 1PM then my daughter came over with enough homework to choke a horse so I have been wanting to get back to it all day. Actually I was haunted because while reading the first act I laughed for the first time in almost a week. This should be on TV, cable of course. I want to tell you Thoth the TV cannot make me laugh I don't even bother trying to watch comedies anymore. I could see the characters while I was reading it which made it so much the more funny. Can you email me Ms. Slutingham's phone number on second thought forget it the bitch has big feet. Great job . Thanks for the much needed diversion.
Wow. This was marvelous, yet sad because stuff like this happens in court in real life.

'I do not talk to poor guys. Obviously, you do not watch Dr. Phil?'

gods, thoth! i am still laughing. thank you so much for this; i needed it today.

as others have said, the dialogue just flows beautifully. just enough description to really picture Ms. S and Dr. Everwood (such clever, clever names!) but the pictures of the judge/lawyers all comes thru their lines.

how talented you are. chuck that bushel basket you've been hiding your light under. MORE! i demand MORE! (r)
I have no words...
Wonderful, Thoth--thank you. D
I'll have to read your other installments. Much love to you.
Thanks so much for the great laugh!
Very good. Smart, crisp, funny! I loved it and rated it.
Outstanding. Getting late here in the Pacific and I love a good laugh before sleep. So thank you.
Thoth, this is pure comedy and so well done. You post rarely and each time it's such a treat. Also, you do dialogue so perfectly. Thank you, r
LOVE THIS!! funny and the names are great!
My favorite line, "My psychologist says that I can show my body off and still be a great mother as long as I take care of number one: ME."
Your post exposes that popular sentiment as the line of crap it is. Rated!
This was absolutely hysterical! are you sure you don't write for BBC?
Funny and so true, Thoth. I was thinking while I read it, "this sounds like what passes for real life in LA." Was this based on a true event? I am seeing Pamela Anderson as ms Slut.
Thanks for this transcript. R
Very very funny post!
I enjoyed the format and the story....
Just wish Dr. Everwood's defense could have been expanded a little
Good job!
T, the use of the names was classic. And isn't saying Dr. and narcissistic in the same sentence redundant? :-D
GREAT and imaginative read. I'm gonna go will a boner now. I mean erection.
I liked the names of the two main characters: Ms. SLUTingham and the guy's: Mr. EverWOOD! Pretty clever, pretty clever!
Dude...seriously....I have such a visual of the lovely Mrs. S.
And I think I dated Dr. E.
"Obviously, you do not watch Dr. Phil?"...priceless!
Compelling and entertaining read! Nicely done.
Hilarious...Didn't know you had this in you, Thoth. I am always surprised!
Loved it.. Can't wait for more..
Funny, Toth. Honestly, you California people. R.
Bellwether scooped my pithy comment. :( This was a great read - and justice was served.
Great characters and names! Comedic dialog is difficult to write but you nailed it with this one. Rated
Ha! A laugh riot!
Mrs Cohen: Ms. Slutingham, anything you say will be held against you.
Ms. Slutingham: Brad Pitt.
Very entertaining story here, haha. I too love the names. Is this based on anything that actually happened?

By the way I thought I would never make it to the bottom of the comments... I wish I had that kind of readership! :)

needed the laugh! thnx!

Very funny, Thoth! "come-fuck-me-pumps".... Hmmmm :))
This was a funny and playful read full of great one liners. Loved the 3 different scenes..creative, original and saucy humor to boot.
This is hilarious, Thoth! Thanks for the laugh!
That happens to me all the time, too.

Seriously funny stuff, Thoth. Seriously funny.
Too much! Query. When this gets to Broadway, who would you pick to play Dr. Everwood? I want to see the photo for myself! Wicked R
Very entertaining read for my Easter night....I may have to have a marshmellow Peep and read it again.
Nice screen play, man. I have one question: Dude what is wrong with Dr. Everwoods, wood ? Always leave them wanting more.
Well, shoot - now I can't decide if I want to find a man with a Rolex or not...
Thoth-This is a little HARD for me to comment on as I work for a group of lawyers. It is very good writing but I am curious who would you have portray your characters if a movie was made out of this? I think Scanner is onto something here. Smile - Jali.
Very Funny Post! So delicious & flavorful. You added all the right spices and cooked it to perfection. Who knew that you are a literary master chef and a very fine man?

I enjoyed this so much, Thoth! Thanks for sharing it with us.

What fun .... I'd love to see this play! And such great names for the characters! Well done.
..."distinguishing marks"--LOL!!!!!! Great technique with the farce genre. Outrageous and so human, which is why I enjoy farce to begin with. -R-
loved the names and kitschy quality of some of the one-liners. you're awesome. rated.
Sorry, Thoth, I am even later to read this post (I was traveling) when it first went up. Political satire AND sexual satire in your arsenal. Wow! RATED.
I LOVE allegory! Tee hee!