(the fourth installment in a series of inaccurately headlined random synapses)
Fun Facts You Should Know!
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original film "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white. In the original film "Smokey and the Bandit" Burt Reynold's mustache was actually William Shatner's old toupee
166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the U.S. 166, 874,999,987 of those pieces are pre approved credit card applications.
27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "A meaningless existential hell." Wait until they have to find jobs.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar. The joker represents George W. Bush
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. And coincidentally heroin is delicious sprinkled on top of eggnog.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. They will still not have paid off their student loans.
"Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio. This tells you all you need to know about Ohio.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed. The least common, Boilbutt.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. The least intelligent have more peroxide. (You saw that one coming didn't you?)
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. Which makes introductions between goldfish tedious.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. Ironically his defense lawyer was William Jennings Bryan.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. But the sow doesn't have one that often because the male pig only spends 30 seconds on foreplay.
Neil Diamond has finally revealed that the mystery girl who inspired his hit song, "Sweet Caroline" was in fact First Daughter Caroline Kennedy. Since Caroline was only 12 at the time of the song’s release , it is less surprising that Diamond neglected to mention that the other song inspired by Caroline was his hit "Cherry Cherry"
Diet Guru Richard Simmons says that if you don’t want to over-indulge during the holidays, dine naked. Actually, just picturing Richard Simmons naked will kill even the most voracious appetite.
The CW Network has eliminated its comedy department, but insisted, "We're not out of the comedy business. We are simply following the business model set by NBC." Which can be confirmed by anyone who has seen the new "Jay Leno Show".
Little Know Super Heroes
Catwoman's sidekick The Hacked-up Hairball. She makes criminals her submissives! She’s The Pussy Whipper! The Great Gas Blaster, The Mighty Clam, Queen Margarine Mauler, The Screeching Nagger, The Ballistic Battle-Ax, The Mighty Underpants Strangler, The Scarlet Anus Puncher, The Flying Vulva, The Avenging Dustbunny, The Raging Infection, The Phantom Pickle, The Lactating Hyena, The Killer Kumquat, and The Vibrating Beaver.
Porn actress Jenna Jameson says in her biography that she has always been a devote Catholic Christian. I'd say she has that "do unto others" part down pat. Can you imagine the poor priest trying to remain celibate after hearing her confession?
More Fun Facts You Should Know!
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. George W. Bush couldn't speak fluently when he was sixty and the world thought the same thing.
Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson". Perhaps because he was a fictional character.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time: 1/100th of a second. An "oops" is a series of 14 jiffys
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. But Twain learned his lesson and Huckleberry Finn was written on paper.
Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball. Insert your own "size of his bat" joke here.
James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand. (actually he wore it down to the nub giving it to William Shatner)
During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be briefly seen in the distance. Also for a very, very brief moment Charleton Heston's acting wasn't unbelievably God-awful
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear trousers. Porky Pig comics were banned in Israel because he isn't kosher.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine. After the Republican administration deregulated the pharmaceutical industry.
123,000,000 cars are being driven down U.S highways. Curiously only 42 are being driven up.
Almonds are a member of the peach family. But the Peach family never invites them to their Labor Day barbecue.
A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans! The second most choked on item? Fox News.
On a statue of a mounted horseman You can tell from the position of the horse how the rider died. If all four of the horse's feet are on the ground, he died of natural causes. One foot raised means he died from wounds suffered in battle. Two legs raised means he died in action. You can tell from the position of the audience how many of these jokes died. Head resting in hand: one half of them have died. Arm raised and saying "Check please!"" all died.
Wal-Mart making its employees do a Wal-Mart cheer is like the rapist who makes his victim tell him how much she likes it.
BTW Sarah Palin's new book is already on clearance a month before its release.
Amazon, which originally listed it at $28.99, is now asking a measly $9. Wal-Mart is reportedly charging $8.98. This is not a joke. But she is.
Tune in next week for: Pope Declares Michael Jackson the Patron Saint of Altar Boys.