Well readers, as you may or may not have guessed, I have slowly but surely wading my way back into the dating pool. 

After this whole ordeal I have become considerably more cautious.  I mean I can do a date or two with someone but after that all bets are off.  When I look back on my dates I find that I have a new tendency to push people.  I push the limits of appropriate first date and see how much someone will let me get away with.  Showing up late without excuse, conducting a taped video interview, challenging people to dance offs…etc.  I don’t go into the date intending to do these things, but looking back on all of my recent dates I totally have.  I don’t know if it is a defense mechanism or that I am still not ready to be dating but either way it is a bad, terribly bitchy, awful habit…that a surprising number of gentleman have let me get away with.   

When I try to rationalize my behavior I am able to break it down to two possibilities.  The first being that no matter how much I try to convince myself that I am, I am not ready to date and do these things because deep down I just don’t care, the second being that I just want someone who can love me no matter what, no matter how bad I behave…and this is my subconcious–and not so subtle way of figuring that out. 

Above all else, I need to find someone who is worth the potential heartbreak.  I like the idea of dating and being in a relationship and even falling in love again…its just that now that I know what it is like to have my heartbroken soul raked across the coals I am not yet ready for the potential that; that could happen again–but can anyone really ever be ready for that? 

It is going to take a really special guy to change my mind. In the meantime, I’m not giving up hope–I’m just seeing what all is out there…and making an effort to keep my bad behavior in check. 

-E