Louise: Well dear, we hear that you’re dating again. Good for you!
Thelma: Why would you do that?
Tansy: I’d date again if given the opportunity.
Thelma: Didn’t you have Mr. Cosgrove over for dinner last Sunday? Wasn’t that a date?
Tansy: That was more of a booty call.
Me: ::choke:: @@
Mom: I know what a booty call is. Deven, it has nothing to do with slippers or a phone.
Louise: What’s a booty call?
Me: Alright! I was trying to maintain silence but I see that’s not going to be possible unless I want to have my brain scrubbed.
Mom: A booty call is where you shake your butt in a man’s face.
Me: Oh my god...
Tansy: That’s not a booty call Betty, that’s a lap trance.
Thelma: Dance, Tansy. Lap dance. I know because my daughter-in-law use to pole dance. She said it was just for fitness, but it was because she was a slut.
Louise: Pole dance? Like the limbo?
Thelma: No. Like a fireman’s pole. Sluts swing around on one and men give them a dollar.
Tansy: If you took your underwear off and limbo’ed, I bet men would give you a dollar.
Thelma: At our age, they would give us ten bucks to put our underwear back on, though getting under the pole in any state of dress would deserve a dollar.
Me: Could we stop with the pole talk?
Mom: Yes, drop the pole. So, what is a booty call?
Me: ::under breath:: I can’t believe I’m about to say this. ::normal voice::So, yes, I’m dating.
Thelma: Why do you want to get your leg stuck back into that bear trap?
Me: I was lonely.
Thelma: Get a dog.
Louise: Well I think that’s wonderful. You’re too young to be alone. Tell us about him.
Me: He’s a nice man. That’s enough information.
Mom: What’s a booty call?
Tansy: A booty call is when...
Me: He’s raising his granddaughter.
Thelma: That sounds exhausting. Dump him.
Louise: Now Thelma, some people like kids.
Thelma: I liked kids about thirty years ago. This new crop of great grandkids are loud, messy, and all have wires hanging off of them. Betty’s daughter should just dump this man and find a kid free one.
Me: Well I love the kid and that’s not going to happen. Everything’s good.
Thelma: So how much do you know about this man?
Mom: Oh don’t try to get any information from her. She’s all closed mouthed about him. Like I care at her age if she’s lap trancing him.
Me: Mom, he’s a good man. I know enough about him to know that.
Tansy: You can’t ever know enough about a man.
Thelma: Well that’s a damn lie. The trick is knowing stuff and then forgetting it. That’s how you stay married.
Me: I know a few things about men.
Me: What? I do!
Mom: Really? What could you know? You’re a baby.
Me: Mom, I’m almost fifty.
Mom: I keep forgetting that. To me, you’ll always be ten.
Thelma: She’s the most wrinkled ten year old I’ve ever seen. So what’s the great bank of knowledge you have about men?
Me: Well... I know that all men will wrap a vacuum cleaner cord up like it’s being shipped back to the manufacturer....
Tansy: Oh that’s true. My third husband wrapped every cord up like that. I never understood where he thought the toaster was going to go in the middle of the night.
Me: And they have a deathly fear of their socks losing elastic.
Louise: Oh! My Charlie was like that! Instead of balling his socks, he would tie them together.
Thelma: My crazy first husband use to use a laundry marker and divided his socks up into left and right. I took great joy in combining two L socks, and two R socks. Mercy, but that man was exhausting.
Mom: I know that most men are fascinated with butts, though they get all squeamish about changing a diaper. Your father...
Me: Mom, I’m begging you don’t say whatever you’re about to say EVER.
Mom: He just...
Me: Mom, no. Just no.
Tansy: I think it’s romantic.
Me: How could that possibly...FORGET I SAID THAT...
Tansy: If a man could be bothered to be tranced at the sight of me on all fours...
Me: And I’m leaving now. Thank you ladies.
Louise: Deven, we’d like to hear about your young man.
Me: I don’t have a young man, I have an old one, and I think I’m done for tonight.
Thelma: You wouldn’t be done for tonight if you didn’t have an old man, but good for you for realizing the benefits to rest.
Me: Yeah, I’m really done now. Good night ladies.
Louise: Well you’re coming back for a visit next week, right?
Me: Yes. I guess the gang is back.