Louise: I’d like to welcome us all back to the Lakeside Retirement Home Movie Club. I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly missed it.
Me: You know y’all didn’t have to stop having Movie Night because of me.
Tansy: Dear we wouldn’t have had one without you. It wouldn’t have seemed right. Besides we did get together to watch videos, just not movies.
Mom: Last week Charlotte showed us the video from her granddaughter’s wedding.
Tansy: That was so romantic.
Louise: Romantic? It was blurry. You couldn’t hear a thing above the cameraman’s breathing. Not to mention five minutes of all the groomsmen shoving the camera down their pants.
Louise: Yes. So you can see we didn’t go bored while you were... recovering.
Me: I want to know more about the camera in the pa....
Thelma: *@@*...*@@*... IT’S NOT FAIR! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE. GOD’S NOT FAIR! WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS AT YOUR AGE? I’M SO MAD I’M NOT EVEN TALKING TO GOD ANYMORE! IT’S NOT FAIR!
Me: Ms. Thelma, it’s okay. Bad things happen to all kinds of people...
Thelma: You use to be so happy, I thought something was wrong with you. And now I see you in the hall and I can tell you were crying in the car, and I have to sit in here with these ninnies...
Mom, Tansy, Louise: Hey!
Thelma: ...and watch shameful awful fool home movies and I can’t even share with someone that those boy’s penises looked like hamsters trapped in a hay bale...
Me: I so want to see this video now...
Thelma: ...because all I can think about is how Betty’s daughter should be here... [breaks into sobs]
Me: Oh Ms. Thelma....
Thelma: Don’t touch me! Everyone just back away.
Me: Ms. Thelma, I’m doing better. I’m sorry....
Thelma: Don’t you dare be sorry. God should be sorry. That’s who should be sorry...
Tansy: Here Thelma, take one of my excited pills...
Thelma: What the hell is Viagra suppose to do for me now?
Tansy: Not Viagra. They’re my Xanadus. I’ll crack it in half.
Thelma: Thank you Tansy. Here I’ll walk down to my apartment and take it. When I get back we will not talk about this.
Me: Shoot. I wanted to know about the hay bales.
Tansy: I heard this is a real scary movie. How exciting.
Me: It’s a creepy movie.
Thelma: Can’t be creepier than the wedding video.
Mom: Shhhh. It’s starting.
Louise: Is this a documentary?
Tansy: I think you popped in the wrong tape dear. This is someone’s home movie.
Thelma: If that camera ends up in his pants, I’m out of here.
Me: It’s just made to look like a home movie.
Mom: You mean someone was too lazy to write out all the words and they’re just letting the actors jabber.
Thelma: They expect people to pay attention to this?
Tansy: Is something scary about to happen?
Mom: They seem to have a lot of time to goof around. if they stayed busier, maybe they wouldn’t notice scary things.
Tansy: The keys moved!
Louise: Moved keys? By that standard, I’ve been haunted for seventy years.
Tansy: Oh they’re calling a psychic. This should be interesting.
Me: As I recall, not really.
Thelma: This is like watching someone get a ‘flu shot, except without the excitement of the shot.
Mom: If this started when she was eight, that’s probably a more interesting story than this. Why don’t they show us that?
Tansy: The psychic is leaving. I thought something scary was going to happen.
Louise: Maybe we should fast forward through some of this...
Tansy: Wait! She’s screaming!
Mom: It’s a spider. I’m going to check the mail.
Thelma: NO! No one is leaving. We’re all here for the first time in what feels like ages. We’re all going to suffer through this as a group.
Mom: Okay, but only because you cried earlier. I can tell the Xanax hasn’t melted yet.
Me: I think Ms. Tansy said that was a Xanadu pill.
Mom: I’m pretty sure she meant Xanax.
Me: I’m forever going to call them Xanadus.
Tansy: They’re Xanadus.
Mom: [shaking her head no behind Tansy]
Me: We should watch that movie.
Tansy: Which movie?
Me: Xanadu. It has roller skates.
Tansy: I don’t think it would be safe to take Xanadus and then roll around.
Louise: They’re going to bed. It might get more exciting once they’re asleep.
Mom: Shouldn’t it have told the movie maker something that the most interesting parts of the movie happen when the actors are unconscious?
Tansy: There was a big thud!
Thelma: Calm down...
Tansy: The lamp is swinging!
Mom: Well they went all out for these special effects.
Louise: You know it might be fun to make our own scary movie...
Mom: We would have better special effects. We could have Mr. Thompson pop off his fake arm.
Tansy: She’s standing there!
Thelma: I’d be more scary just standing there.
Tansy: Yes you would be.
Mom: I don’t think sleep walking should be a special effect.
Tansy: It’s moving the thing on the thing! It’s on fire!
Mom: It went through all the trouble of catching the board on fire and then it ran away? Why wouldn’t it tump some things over while it was at it?
Thelma: We don’t care what the thing said on the board either. Let’s move this along.
Louise: You’d think they’d be a little more worried about a mysterious fire in their house.
Mom: He thinks he’s going to make it better with baby powder. Maybe if this thing has athlete’s feet.
Louise: It makes no sense that he wouldn’t want to call the demon man. If he believes there’s a weirdo thing in the house, then he’d have to believe there were weirdo people that study the weirdo thing.
Tansy: There’s hoofy footprints!
Thelma: A devil pig.
Mom: I bet that’s where deviled ham comes from.
Tansy: Don’t go in the attic!
Thelma: Go into the attic!
Louise: Maybe we’ll finally see the thing.
Mom: A burned up picture. I’m telling you, we could make a movie.
Tansy: It slammed the door!
Thelma: I don’t blame it. I find these people irritating too.
Louise: If someone told me that leaving the house wouldn’t help, I think I’d go anyway and see if it would or not.
Mom: When we make our movie, we’ll make it that the doors to the apartment were painted shut. That way it would make sense that we couldn’t go some where else.
Tansy: The cover moved! The light turned on! The light turned off! Her eyes are moving! There’s a shadow! She stood up! She’s walking!
Thelma: For God’s sake Tansy, we don’t need closed captioning for the obvious.
Tansy: She screamed!
Thelma: We heard it!
Tansy: He screamed!
Thelma: For the love of...
Tansy: It’s quiet!
Thelma: No, you’re shouting.
Tansy: She threw him across the room!
Mom: That’s it?
Louise: Seems like it.
Mom: The wedding video had a better ending. At least they had a fight scene.
Me: There was a fight in the wedding video?
Mom: Just a little one. We’ll have a fight scene in our movie.
Thelma: I’ll punch out Tansy.
Tansy: I’ll put the camera down my pants. Heheheheeeee.