It rained for seven straight Mondays this week. From where I sit this week was the perfect storm of disappointment and misery. From the first lousy email on Monday to the next unsettling phone call on Monday to the last shitty letter on Monday, everything was consistently crappy. Here's the lowlights:

Monday 9:00 am. Email from the NALG--the National Association of Left-Handed Golfers informing me one of their members has turned me in claiming that I am ambidexterous--a complete fraud and not a true lefty.

Monday 11:00 am. Email from the WWW--The Who's Who of Wichita. I was one of five finalists for inclusion in the Who's Who of Wichita. Seems four new names will be added to the Wichita pantheon--but not mine.

Monday 2:00 pm. Phone call from the DHFC--the David Hasselhoff Fan Club. Since I left my membership dues in arrears for 25 years, the president of the fan club has cancelled my membership along with  my chance at the Hoff's new early release CD or German citizenship.

Monday 3:00 pm. Letter from the IBOB--the International Brotherhood of Old Bastards tells me I am not old enough, not mean enough and not fatherless enough to be considered in the Brotherhood of the OB.

And then Tuesday, the sun finally appeared--for everyone not named Jim Joyce--along with an email of hope. Groundhog Mondays were in the rear view mirror and my words, my creations, were up for consideration by some very smart and powerful dictionary people who were looking to add more to their pages.

Here are my new words up for consideration:

Hyspanic  n  1. What the Arizona State Legislature and Governor is afflicted with. 2.What the Arizona State Legislature and Governor will experience if they are re-elected.

Octocom  n  A late night creature known for an eight-inch chin with an eight minute routine using the same eight jokes that gets the same eight laughs from the same eight eighty year-old ladies, who takes his weekly check for eight million and drives off in one of his eight vintage cars.

Mombiance  n  The warmth and powerful glow that is felt from being close to a happy, beaming pregnant woman. Note: Do not confuse the mood or atmosphere of  mombiance with that of milfaura. The two are distant cousins and mistaking a mombiant for milfaura, and under the right metabolic hormonal surge, could lead to being hit on,  seduced and worse--cougored.

Cologgner  n   An indigenous Pacific Northwest species of tree cutter, who after a long day in the woods, covers his feral post-work stench in economy after shave in the cab of his pickup then proceeds into the local watering hole to engage in the mating ritual.  Not so far up or down the evolutionary branch from the cologgner is the pheromoron--an urban dweller who doesn't know which is the business end of an ax, but is marinated in a powerful cloud of Axe.

Baristocrat  n  Pompousassfaceius. The baristocrat, although known for pretentious braggadocio, name dropping, slurring of words and offending all  lower castes, can be a valuable being to come across if unforeseen problems should arise involving an unpaid bar tab. When this dicey situation occurs, identify the nearest baristocrat, lure him to an alley with a promise of cocaine or an amazing golf tip, then roll him for his cash and then pay your outstanding tab. Note: Never confuse or substitute a barristacrat in lieu of a baristocrat. A barristacrat wiill only have about $10 on them to cover a few PBRs. The best time to roll a surly, arrogant, oh so superior barristacrat is mid-shift at any Starbucks.