Nobody Can Eat Fifty Eggs
JUNE 4, 2010 6:56PM

A Milf, an Octocom and a Hyspanic Walk into a Bar...

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It rained for seven straight Mondays this week. From where I sit this week was the perfect storm of disappointment and misery. From the first lousy email on Monday to the next unsettling phone call on Monday to the last shitty letter on Monday, everything was consistently crappy. Here's the lowlights:

Monday 9:00 am. Email from the NALG--the National Association of Left-Handed Golfers informing me one of their members has turned me in claiming that I am ambidexterous--a complete fraud and not a true lefty.

Monday 11:00 am. Email from the WWW--The Who's Who of Wichita. I was one of five finalists for inclusion in the Who's Who of Wichita. Seems four new names will be added to the Wichita pantheon--but not mine.

Monday 2:00 pm. Phone call from the DHFC--the David Hasselhoff Fan Club. Since I left my membership dues in arrears for 25 years, the president of the fan club has cancelled my membership along with  my chance at the Hoff's new early release CD or German citizenship.

Monday 3:00 pm. Letter from the IBOB--the International Brotherhood of Old Bastards tells me I am not old enough, not mean enough and not fatherless enough to be considered in the Brotherhood of the OB.

And then Tuesday, the sun finally appeared--for everyone not named Jim Joyce--along with an email of hope. Groundhog Mondays were in the rear view mirror and my words, my creations, were up for consideration by some very smart and powerful dictionary people who were looking to add more to their pages.

Here are my new words up for consideration:

Hyspanic  n  1. What the Arizona State Legislature and Governor is afflicted with. 2.What the Arizona State Legislature and Governor will experience if they are re-elected.

Octocom A late night creature known for an eight-inch chin with an eight minute routine using the same eight jokes that gets the same eight laughs from the same eight eighty year-old ladies, who takes his weekly check for eight million and drives off in one of his eight vintage cars. caricature-jay-leno

Mombiance  The warmth and powerful glow that is felt from being close to a happy, beaming pregnant woman. Note: Do not confuse the mood or atmosphere of  mombiance with that of milfaura. The two are distant cousins and mistaking a mombiant for milfaura, and under the right metabolic hormonal surge, could lead to being hit on,  seduced and worse--cougored.

Cologgner  n   An indigenous Pacific Northwest species of tree cutter, who after a long day in the woods, covers his feral post-work stench in economy after shave in the cab of his pickup then proceeds into the local watering hole to engage in the mating ritual.  Not so far up or down the evolutionary branch from the cologgner is the pheromoron--an urban dweller who doesn't know which is the business end of an ax, but is marinated in a powerful cloud of Axe. lumberjack2

Baristocrat  Pompousassfaceius. The baristocrat, although known for pretentious braggadocio, name dropping, slurring of words and offending all  lower castes, can be a valuable being to come across if unforeseen problems should arise involving an unpaid bar tab. When this dicey situation occurs, identify the nearest baristocrat, lure him to an alley with a promise of cocaine or an amazing golf tip, then roll him for his cash and then pay your outstanding tab. Note: Never confuse or substitute a barristacrat in lieu of a baristocrat. A barristacrat wiill only have about $10 on them to cover a few PBRs. The best time to roll a surly, arrogant, oh so superior barristacrat is mid-shift at any Starbucks.

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pheromoron, now I have a name for my ex-husband's rank presence. R
Me talk pretty someday...maybe like a clown.

Thank you Joan.
Blu Speck--As the rank structure goes, I'd wager your ex is a four-star General. I'd recommend Hi Karate, but I doubt its' intoxicating powers could tame the beast.
Pheromoron: at least they announce they are coming your way first, blech....
MILF's are a bit sneakier....
You can't go wrong with Aqua Velva. Just put it in a pump sprayer and you're good to go.

Token Tarheel--No need to fret on my standing in Cougarville. I am the Grand Poo Bah Chief Water Buffalo of the DILFs. I also own a pair of Puma sneakers and I can out run any ravenous Cougar.
Rita--Pheromorons do announce their presence a few minutes before their actual arrival. In political argot they are called Sen. Muskies.
Every time I smell a Sen Muskie, I start to cry.
An allergy perhaps?
mombiance and pheremoron.... love those, well all of them but th6se, especially~
my typo is kind of fancy
Very fan6y shman6y. Is your o broken tonight?
yeah, I hate o less nights.
Larry--I wiped out a whole yard full of moles using Aqua Velva, Old Spice, Napalm and Charley with just a hint of Jasmine. Bill Murray gave me the recipe.
Thanks Mr. Fawkes.

When I run out of C-4, I will try it out.
Larry--You are a true Cinderella story.......oh Mrs. Green.
Larry--My olfactories turn on me when they get within 300 miles of Sen. Jim Bunning. I got a real good whiff of him once. Guess what he smells like?
You're exactly right--shit.
Amanda--Spaghetti-Os are always a hearty late night feast--best served steaming.
Ya know what goes best with Spaghetti-O's?

I do have spaghetti ohs
I have Spaghetti-X's
You guys with all your X's and O's. You should go play tick-tac-toe with Spaghetti-XOs and bask in each others milfaura and cologgner.
Fawke you, Monsignor Baristocrat!
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
[carves V into poster on wall]
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V......or Shecky.