Rush Limbaugh (red faced and hovering over buffet, upset that Obama is late): Where's that socialist president when you need him?
Bill Maher: You gotta be kidding me. Obama has done more for your pimp Big Pharma than he has for the progressives. Socialist? Please.
Lewis Black (throwing hands in air and declaring in a scratchy voice): That's it. I can't take it anymore. I've got a small government talk show host on my right wanting more government assistance (points a shaky finger and stutters) and ... and ... a pope in my direct line of vision salivating over mini cocktail wieners. I gotta go. This is just too much.
Penn Jillette (takes a cheese cube off a passing tray while admiring the caterer's cleavage): It's all bullshit.
The Pope (suddenly coming out of a stupor): I suggest screwing something tightly into the manhole and then covering it up.
Pat Robertson (whispering): No disrespect Father, but I thought we weren't going to talk about that here.
The Pope (holding crucifix necklace to mouth so no one can read his lips): Not that hole, imbecile. The one in the ocean floor.
Pat Robertson: Ah, you mean god's punishment for the gay crabs and lesbian tuna.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright: God-Dayum, the gay crabs and lesbian tuna!
The Pope: Don't take your Lord's name in vain.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright (bowing sarcastically): Oh, yes Masta', please forgive me grand Masta' with the white robe and pointy hat. I know not what I does.
The Pope (laying hands on the Reverend's head): That's enough son, you may rise.
Jon Stewart (whispering to Colbert): How often do you think the pope uses 'that' line?
Stephen Colbert (whispering back): Why are we whispering? The pope can hear us. He also has x-ray vision, immortality and a diamond- studded toilet.
Bill Clinton (feeling a buzz): This further proves that my impeachment was wrong. When I had my "spill", all I ruined was a dress. People needed to lighten up.
Cheech Marin: Brother, I was put in prison for "lighting up" and I never spilled an ounce. But you're right dude; they did you wrong. I always hoped you inhaled. You inhaled right?
Bill Clinton: Cheech, I regret not being able to discuss my vices with you tonight. I've got a charming, young intern seated on my right. She might have virgin ears.
Bristol Palin: I'm not an intern.
Bill Clinton (turns with eye brow cocked and purrs): Did I say intern? I don't know why I was thinking of interns.
Bristol Palin (straightening her posture): Girls should abstain from pumping and drilling. It's a mistake.
Sarah Palin: (scoops baby off of floor) Yes, but you just gotta pick up that mistake, put it on your hip and act like he's the best thing that ever happened to ya.
*Palin thinks she hears a moose and drops her baby*
*Baby lands in Helen Thomas's lap, on the sofa*
Helen Thomas (staring down at baby with her abnormally large eyes, hallucinating that his nose is growing into a huge, jewish nose and barks): You are an occupier. Go back to Germany.
Baby (stares back with equally large, abnormal eyes and says): Mama
Michelle Obama (enters party and places hands on hips showing toned biceps): You know, for the first time... I am not proud of our oceans.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright: God-Dayum, the oceans!
The Pope: When will you stop taking his name in vain?
Rev. Jeremiah Wright: When you stop taking his children from behind.
Richard Dawkins (swirling and sniffing his wine): There is no God.
Stephen Colbert (leaning in and peering suspiciously over his eye-glasses at Dawkins): Oh, really now? Well if I recall, "Mr. godless and incredibly gifted" you had only water in that glass and now it has turned to wine. What say ye now?
*Dawkins smiles in appreciation of Colbert's wit and tilts his head, gesturing for him to look over at the fish tank*
George Bush (finishing fifth beer and hypnotized by fish tank): At first I was all like.... man, this oil spill sucks. But then I was watching the footage of the oil gushing underwater and I was getting kind of emotional at the beauty of it all. All billowesque and mysterical. Like this fish tank.
Bill Clinton: You're an idiot, Dubya. None of this would be happening if you hadn't reversed the ban your father placed on off-shore drilling after we returned from our weekly fishing trip.
George Bush (stumbling and missing trash can when he tosses empty beer bottle): I don't need this right now, Clinton. It's bad enough having to watch you and my dad hang out all the time. Hell, you were impeached and I'm the one they fear will leave a bad legency?
Obama (enters party, silence falls upon room): Legency, George?
Bush: You know what I mean, big guy. Our Presidential legency. Our memoratorium. A conclusitory statement about where we have been and what we did while we were being there.
Obama: It's legacy, George.
The Pope: I, for one, would not tolerate an organization that fails to use protection.
All guests (in unison): Really, Pope? Really?
The Pope: I was referring to British Petroleum.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright (raises glass): God-dayum, British Petroleum!
All guests (with glasses raised): God-Dayum, British Petroleum!
© Amanda G 2010