Steve Blevins

Steve Blevins
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA
November 05
Steve Blevins teaches medicine at the University of Oklahoma. He enjoys reading, music, and travel. He is interested in American and European history, French literature and culture, and music for piano and chamber ensemble.


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JANUARY 25, 2010 8:20AM

Massachusetts is for Pussies

Rate: 70 Flag
       Scott Brown                                           Martha Coakley
Well, well, well. Lookie what happened: Scottie Brown beat Martha Coakley in Massachusetts and now the whole country has its panties in a wad. Jesus, what a bunch of cry-babies.  

I'm a Glenn Beck conservative, so you probably think I'm happy about the election, right? Wrong. Scottie's no conservative; he's a baby killer with a porn fetish. And the Democrats? Shit, they think Armageddon's here. Scottie wins by five measly points and everyone screams "landslide!" Here's my idea of a landslide: Scottie running uncontested and Martha cooking me hash browns for breakfast.

People in Massachusetts wouldn't recognize a conservative if he fondled their nipples. You want a real conservative? Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma. 


Senator James Inhofe

Jim can down a six-pack, fire a rifle, and scratch his balls without even blinking. But is the media interested? No, cuz Jim's a real American. They'd rather get off on Massachusetts. Why? Because Massachusetts has health care. Massachusetts has schools. Massachusetts has paved roads.

Well, I'm gonna let you in on a secret: Massachusetts is for pussies.

You haven't been there? Trust me, it's a shithole. If Obama had half a brain, he'd move the troops from Iraq to Boston, where some real ass-kicking is needed. Of course, it wouldn't help; the people up there like being taxed up the wazoo. And where does the money go? Gay marriage, of course.


The media loves Massachusetts because of healthcare, and the Dems want to see it go national. Well, good luck. You'll have to sell all the oil in Alaska just to cover the crack babies in Tulsa. And besides, why should I pay for some guy's ulcer when I didn't pour the Jim Beam down him in the first place?

Now, don't get me started on schools. Everyone worships Massachusetts because of Hahvaard. 


Harvard College

Let me tell you something about Harvard: It's for asswipes. I knew a guy who went there and started reading Jane Austen. He still can't change an oil filter. And speaking of oil filters, everyone's impressed that Scottie drives a pickup. A Suzuki pickup. 


The only thing Suzuki's good for is making shade for my rottweiler. Around here, the only people in a Suzuki are two cerebral palsy kids glued to the seat by the Johnson boys. 

If Scottie wants to discover real America, he needs to drive his gay little pickup to Oklahoma.  


We'll teach him the first law of economics: cut taxes. When taxes go down, meth production goes up. That's how you fix the economy. But don't count on it happening in Massachusetts. Their legislature has better ideas, like funding "art." And when I say "art," I don't mean the tattoo of Dolly Parton in my groin. I'm talking weird shit -- stuff made by French people (whose asses we should have kicked after we buried the Germans.)


Madame Cézanne in a red armchair  

The fact is, America's going down the crapper because of places like Massachusetts. I wouldn't be surprised if Scottie confiscated all the guns in Boston, which is fine with me. Anyone with a blood alcohol level of 0.1 who can't shoot a dead horse shouldn't be messin' with firearms anyway. And why does Massachusetts need guns? You can't shoot global warming!


Has anyone stepped outside lately? I almost froze my nuts buying a box of Marlboros the other day. As far as I can tell, the only people "warming" are the gays getting it on in Boston. Oh, and if that offends you, don't bother to say, "Oklahoma is retarded." I've heard it a thousand times. Sure, we have the worst schools in America, but someone's gotta push the Mexicans back while the rest of you sip champagne and jerk off to Jane Austen.


Jane Austen

It wouldn't hurt you to show a little gratitude for the goods and services we provide, but I won't hold my breath. I'm a proud Oklahoman: I may be poor, drunk, and stupid, but there's something I'll never be -- a pussy like you.

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massachusetts, pussies

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Y'all also keep Texas from sliding into the Gulf of Mexico.

(I'd like to pretend I could resist that gem if it were later in the day, but no, I'll think it's funny all day.)

I'm heartbroken that you didn't share a photo of your tattoo though. And good for you, for tellin' it like it is.
Steve ... great piece; well written and super funny, all the way through. I'd show it to my best friend, except he'd take it seriously, and say, "Damn right!" He's been listening to "talk" radio a lot lately, and when we say, "talk radio" in Florida, it either means Sports or Hannity, Beck and that fat guy, Limbaugh ... kinda scary. And by the way, I thought we had the worst schools in America.
Damn. I've read Jane Austen. And I can't change an oil filter.

Food for thought...
Oh Dr. B. You never disappoint.

Sixty has been to OK City. Sixty gets around. She may return there some day. Watch your back. Anyway, it was just as cool as you say it is.

Sixty has even met the Hon. U.S. Rep. Mary Fallon (sp?) now
angling to be your next gov. Mary had a real bad fake tan. She could use some medical advice about that.
I only want a man who would jerk off to Jane Austen and want to visit the Louvre with me...
You only want to be a pussy. Pussies are tough. Pussies can push babies out of them. You guys piss and moan about little old kidney stones or when you get a piece of shit stuck in your asspipe and get all const--ee-pated and have to send your woman to the store to get you some of that milk o' magnesia.
So, y'all can keep your frozen nuts in OK (ya bunch of Sooners--what kind of state brags about ripping off Indian Territory). Those of us effete, effeminate snobs here in the Northeast will continue to hang out with our gay friends, drink our damn good wine, and fart in your general direction.
With love.

You're right. We have a lot of political cross-dressers up here. The Republicans get their butts kicked once they get past the Connecticut River (see William Weld v. Jesse Helms) and some of our Democrats are really Republicans in disguise who've figured out the only way they're ever going to get elected is with a D next to their name.

Our high taxes pay for the necessities of life, however. Like a state-funded nursing home for aging rock stars.

I wish I could say I'm kidding on that last one, but I'm not.

You have my rating, sir.
For the record, I've found Emily Bronte much more jerk-off-able. Then again, I grew up in Iowa, so what does that tell you?
If Massachusetts is for pussies and Oklahoma is for the drunk and stupid - in other words, dicks...what are you trying to say?

Very funny post!
Didn't miss a thing, passing this one on.
As a proud son of Massachusetts, I take great offense at this piece. Unfortunately, I'm too busy driving my Prius to "Revolution Books" in Cambridge for this month's copy of "Anarcho-collectivist Hooters." Jane Austen just doesn't do it for me.
@ Jeff Brawer: "Anarcho-collectivist Hooters" ?? Talk about your niche markets.

Hilarious :)
"You can't shoot global warming! "

that made me giggle so hard i snorted.
Tattoo *in* his groin? With Dolly's bazooms around his balls? I'm still visualizing that, Dr Blevins.
And as clever as this is, it's maddeningly heartbreaking. That polar bear photo has to be one of the saddest animal photos ever taken.
Our mayor in Honolulu went to Harvard. It's such a huge part of his resume that that's how we talk about him: Mufi Hanneman, you know he went to Harvard, right?
Sort of like MA's John Kerry and vietnam.
Spoken like a true Oklahoman. I know my border state is extremely grateful for your casinos.
All I can say (between my gales of laughter) is your post is NOT for the timid.
So your heroes are Glen Beck and James Inhofe - two of the most reality challenged people on the face of the earth. Speaking of reality challenged - Scott Brown thinks he's JFK !
Finally, a rational viewpoint on the Brown election.

You know who else I hate? The Dutch. Blond-haired wooden-shoed motherfuckers.
Well reasoned argument. Bravo.
More chain jerking than a wall-mounted W.C.
i had my comment almost written in my head and then i read what fingerlakes wrote. she must have been inside my brain before i was!

i'd love to know who came up with the idea that "pussy" is synonymous with weak. pussies win. every time.

great stuff, steve, except the pic of inhofe made me vomit.
@ Frank Indiana - WTF!! Kiss my east coast Dutch ass!

Steve... it's gonna get messy in here. I can tell.

And... what Fingerlakes said -- BAM!
Oh, my. This piece is so, so funny. I am passing it along.
What fingerlakes said. It's so good (like your post), I've got to copy in its entirety:

"You only want to be a pussy. Pussies are tough. Pussies can push babies out of them. You guys piss and moan about little old kidney stones or when you get a piece of shit stuck in your asspipe and get all const--ee-pated and have to send your woman to the store to get you some of that milk o' magnesia.
So, y'all can keep your frozen nuts in OK (ya bunch of Sooners--what kind of state brags about ripping off Indian Territory). Those of us effete, effeminate snobs here in the Northeast will continue to hang out with our gay friends, drink our damn good wine, and fart in your general direction. "
Dang. The Dutch are sensitive.
Holy fuck was I laughing. You are a true comic genius.
As a resident of Kansas, a state nearly as squalid and replete with old school American virtues as Oklahoma, I salute your noble though misguided effort to edumicate those pansies about the meaning of Values.

"When taxes go down, meth production goes up. That's how you fix the economy."

That's something those East Coast elitist pussies don't get, and they never will get it, 'cause they wouldn't know how to cook meth if their lives depended on it, let alone field dress a deer or rip the plumbing out of the house next door after the neighbors were evicted to get the copper to sell for scrap.
And you didn't even have to invoke the absolute clincher and claim "Okie from Muskokee" as the definitive anthem of the American ideal. Your cheek must be sore from being poked so hard by your tongue as you wrote this. Great piece Doc.
"Boston Is For Pussies" - would look great on a T-Shirt. Good way to start a riot at Fenway Park.

Highly Rated
You've got a tattoo of Dolly in your groin? Good God you are a man Dr. Blevins! PM me later if you wanna get a little icky;-)
Come on over to California, Steve. We've got the best of both words - Dicks and Pussies galore!
I learn so much from each and every one of your posts, Dr. Blevins. This is no exception. I had no idea . . .
hey Editors... here's one you missed. And Dr Steve uses the term "lookie" and that doesn't happen that often.
This is choice stuff. Truly. If you had not become a doctor, writing like this should have been your full time job. However, I'm certain that we who read you, as well as your patents, are grateful you do both so dang well.

I love your humor and how you use it to nudge truth out into the open.
Rated and appreciated.
I saw a map of Massachusetts once, and to my horror there was a town called "Braintree." Yankees make me want to vomit.
Rated for the obvious extensive research Steve. The only bit of Oklahoma most Mass. pussies have ever seen or considered is what they see from the 747 (if they get a window seat) on their way to some gay function in Los Angeles.
Oh, come on now, Ole Jesse was a redneck worthy of Jane Austin. I'm sure he wiped his pickup with her sometime. And the Dems deserved to lose. Good one. And rated. Laughed my ass off. You should post this on the White House website if you have balls.
To be clear: The gays are sipping champagne and jerking off to Scott Brown while ripping out pages of Jane Austen books to capture the mess. We'll take a dick over a pussy any day.
Steven, besides the fact that your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries, I take exception. Me and the three other registered republicans in this state fart in our general direction.

I no longer drink and never fired again after a 22 backfired with a spark burning my eyelid in 5th grade. Pussies require guns to deter folks. Real men use words. Fighting words. And then run to hide behind Pick up trucks with Oklahoma plates.

As for gay marriage? We support it because of our latent homophobia. We want them to be as miserable as the rest of us and incapable of jumping the fence without leaving their wallet -- and often times their genitalia -- on the pickets as they head off finding happiness.

Why should divorcing heteros be the only ones relegated to the soprano section of the choir?
Hah, Great Stuff. I believe Senator James Inhofe could do all of the above carrying Senator Jim DeMint on his shoulders!!
Hehehehe! I knowwwww. And I knew a guy who went to Harvard who became the Unabomber. Soooo....Harvard is for the insane. xox
And I know pussy, Dr. Blevins, and nope, you're no pussy...xox
Now don't you go upgradin' Hahvaard. It's for the by-product of ass wipes. Nuther thing. Those pretty boys in Mashachusits don't know nuthin' bout real sports. Like rasslin'. Ain't nothin more manly than bein' on top of another man, getting him in an arm lock and grinding his face into a rubber mat. And wearing a unitard, too.

(and what Lea said about the polar bear photo)
The only thing I remember about Oklahoma is the time I had to ingest Barium there so they could radiate me at the Emergency Room in Tulsa in 1974. Memory fades the name of the hospital, too retched to remember.

My poor dog got out of the car when I was retching into a barrel at the rest stop until I was finally retching up blood. The dog stayed there patiently while in the meantime we kept driving trying to get me to a hospital. Finally some Tulsa doctor was poking me every which way while requiring that I lay on a cold stainless steel table and not puke up the Barium. There is nothing like feeling like you are going to implode while someone pokes at you mercilessly.

I just feel fortunate that I got away from Oklahoma with my pussy intact and was able to go back and find my little dog at the rest stop on the turnpike, and then get the hell out of there before anyone else decided to medically torture me and miss the point of my symptoms.

Pussies wouldn't want to stay in Oklahoma. Pussies are for fun and delivering babies and all kinds of stuff that Oklahomans are apparently too drunk and stupid to properly worship and appreciate, by your admission.

Apparently I was passing a big-assed gallstone but they still couldn't see it in the x-rays in Tulsa because I was 'too young' to have one. Tell the gall stone. It didn't care that I was only 24.
Seriously, this post was some funny shit Steve.
Yeh. Let's here it for the heartland. Those coastal people - wusses all the way!
We here in NE are also thankful you Okies take some of the heat off of us...

Will definitely be sharing this one!
I've been told many times that you are what you eat, that must mean that there is a bit of Massachusetts in me. Just sayin'.
Stevie, Stevie, are so clever. I know you were kidding about the tattoo but now you've got me thinking about...oh, never mind. I'd probably just make you blush.
Points well made, Steve.
Whew! I was afraid I was a pussy but I hate Jane Austin so I must be okay... unless you think I'm gay just 'cause I like a little m2m action once in a while.
PS. Thanks a lot for being funnier than my post today... pussy.
Perfect, Steve. Sublime.

(now can you change the oil in my car?) (oh nevermind, it's a pussy import.)
Damn right we Okies ain't no damn Massachusaranian pussies!
Besides Granny's doctorin', the only time a good Okiehomeran uses a pansificated, uppity medical dee-greed profession'l is to get our thumbs surgically fixed so they's no longer opposin'.
James Inhofe did, and that's why I voted fer him. He's'n worth the effort, even if'n I have to hold the pencil with both hands.
Thanks fer spreadin' the good word abouts our macho state. Everyone's manly down hereabouts - even the wimmin.
Really nice thread, Steve. I love this post, very funny.
Steve Blevins teaches medicine at the University of Oklahoma. He enjoys reading, music, and travel. He is interested in American and European history, French literature and culture, and music for piano and chamber ensemble.

Chic alors. French literature. Music for piano and chamber ensemble. There's quite a bit of that gritty manly stuff going on here in Massachusetts. You should come visit!
Who the fuck are you and what the hell have you done with our sweet, gentle, kind, thoughtful, graceful and charming Dr Steve? Perhaps you're his hard ass cowboy alter trying to suppress his gay alter?

60 Ratings and no cover or EP? WTF

I was gonna say you won't last long in OK writing like this (I've been to Oklahoma!)...and then I thought...well, with education standards so low there, they probably cain't read anyway...and certainly won't unnerstand satire! Well done, Doc!
No kidding. But in Cambridge, forget Jane Austen. It's Simone de Beauvoir all the way. Rated.
However did I manage to work with you for two years and not realize how funny you are?
there you go, back in touch with your oakie self, although, I think the SEC has an edge. :)
Proposal: me, you, nanatehay, and trig palin get back in touch with our hetero selves, unlike those Massachusetts pussies, and I'll drag Boston Bob along, and we'll get six bottles of Wild Turkey 101 and have a possum roast.
Rated for three reasons:
1) General hilarity and awesomeness.
2) You did NOT take a shot at my BoSox, so I feel no conflict enjoying the post.
3) Champagne and jerking off to Jane Austen--oh, a funny-because-it's-true indictment of the deliberately socially inept losers who give my academic field a bad name.
You are fucking hilarious, and I'll read anything that has the word "pussy" in the title. BTW, readers, if you thought it was funny the first time your read it, go back and read it with a Boston accent. MASS IS TOTALLY RETAHDED! God I miss it. I'd move back to Boston in a heartbeat.
I must visit this place you call Massa-chu-setts. If it is filled with female genitalia, as you say, then it is a place worthy to be explored by Great Men. (HurumphHurumph) Amen.
That is one gay pick-up truck.

And Jane Austen looks constipated.

And thank God for real Americans like you.
This says it all Steve. In last night's Miss America Pageant, Oklahoma made it to the final 15 while Miss Massachusetts didn't. Miss Mass really needs to work on her wave.
Isn't the most common epitaph in Oklahoma "hold my beer and watch this"?
"We'll teach him the first law of economics: cut taxes. When taxes go down, meth production goes up. That's how you fix the economy."

That alone was worth the read.... priceless.
Well they are awfully close to Canada, full of French Candians.... (said with a sneer of course)
Nice one Doc!
Massachusetts people make Oakies look like fairies. They shoot British down like the terriers they are.
They caused a revolution because Sam Adams didn't know how to run a business.
That Kennedy guy, pretty tough after the Japs ran over his boat in the middle of the Pacific, killing sharks and all.
This one time resident of MA now challenges you to a duel with Wild Turkey 101 :)
cool writing techniques, wonderful post. .