I'm a Glenn Beck conservative, so you probably think I'm happy about the election, right? Wrong. Scottie's no conservative; he's a baby killer with a porn fetish. And the Democrats? Shit, they think Armageddon's here. Scottie wins by five measly points and everyone screams "landslide!" Here's my idea of a landslide: Scottie running uncontested and Martha cooking me hash browns for breakfast.
People in Massachusetts wouldn't recognize a conservative if he fondled their nipples. You want a real conservative? Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma.
Senator James Inhofe
Jim can down a six-pack, fire a rifle, and scratch his balls without even blinking. But is the media interested? No, cuz Jim's a real American. They'd rather get off on Massachusetts. Why? Because Massachusetts has health care. Massachusetts has schools. Massachusetts has paved roads.
Well, I'm gonna let you in on a secret: Massachusetts is for pussies.
You haven't been there? Trust me, it's a shithole. If Obama had half a brain, he'd move the troops from Iraq to Boston, where some real ass-kicking is needed. Of course, it wouldn't help; the people up there like being taxed up the wazoo. And where does the money go? Gay marriage, of course.
The media loves Massachusetts because of healthcare, and the Dems want to see it go national. Well, good luck. You'll have to sell all the oil in Alaska just to cover the crack babies in Tulsa. And besides, why should I pay for some guy's ulcer when I didn't pour the Jim Beam down him in the first place?
Now, don't get me started on schools. Everyone worships Massachusetts because of Hahvaard.
Harvard College
Let me tell you something about Harvard: It's for asswipes. I knew a guy who went there and started reading Jane Austen. He still can't change an oil filter. And speaking of oil filters, everyone's impressed that Scottie drives a pickup. A Suzuki pickup.
The only thing Suzuki's good for is making shade for my rottweiler. Around here, the only people in a Suzuki are two cerebral palsy kids glued to the seat by the Johnson boys.
If Scottie wants to discover real America, he needs to drive his gay little pickup to Oklahoma.
We'll teach him the first law of economics: cut taxes. When taxes go down, meth production goes up. That's how you fix the economy. But don't count on it happening in Massachusetts. Their legislature has better ideas, like funding "art." And when I say "art," I don't mean the tattoo of Dolly Parton in my groin. I'm talking weird shit -- stuff made by French people (whose asses we should have kicked after we buried the Germans.)
Madame Cézanne in a red armchair
The fact is, America's going down the crapper because of places like Massachusetts. I wouldn't be surprised if Scottie confiscated all the guns in Boston, which is fine with me. Anyone with a blood alcohol level of 0.1 who can't shoot a dead horse shouldn't be messin' with firearms anyway. And why does Massachusetts need guns? You can't shoot global warming!
Has anyone stepped outside lately? I almost froze my nuts buying a box of Marlboros the other day. As far as I can tell, the only people "warming" are the gays getting it on in Boston. Oh, and if that offends you, don't bother to say, "Oklahoma is retarded." I've heard it a thousand times. Sure, we have the worst schools in America, but someone's gotta push the Mexicans back while the rest of you sip champagne and jerk off to Jane Austen.
Jane Austen
It wouldn't hurt you to show a little gratitude for the goods and services we provide, but I won't hold my breath. I'm a proud Oklahoman: I may be poor, drunk, and stupid, but there's something I'll never be -- a pussy like you.
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(I'd like to pretend I could resist that gem if it were later in the day, but no, I'll think it's funny all day.)
I'm heartbroken that you didn't share a photo of your tattoo though. And good for you, for tellin' it like it is.
Food for thought...
Sixty has been to OK City. Sixty gets around. She may return there some day. Watch your back. Anyway, it was just as cool as you say it is.
Sixty has even met the Hon. U.S. Rep. Mary Fallon (sp?) now
angling to be your next gov. Mary had a real bad fake tan. She could use some medical advice about that.
You only want to be a pussy. Pussies are tough. Pussies can push babies out of them. You guys piss and moan about little old kidney stones or when you get a piece of shit stuck in your asspipe and get all const--ee-pated and have to send your woman to the store to get you some of that milk o' magnesia.
So, y'all can keep your frozen nuts in OK (ya bunch of Sooners--what kind of state brags about ripping off Indian Territory). Those of us effete, effeminate snobs here in the Northeast will continue to hang out with our gay friends, drink our damn good wine, and fart in your general direction.
Sir.
With love.
You're right. We have a lot of political cross-dressers up here. The Republicans get their butts kicked once they get past the Connecticut River (see William Weld v. Jesse Helms) and some of our Democrats are really Republicans in disguise who've figured out the only way they're ever going to get elected is with a D next to their name.
Our high taxes pay for the necessities of life, however. Like a state-funded nursing home for aging rock stars.
I wish I could say I'm kidding on that last one, but I'm not.
You have my rating, sir.
Very funny post!
Hilarious :)
that made me giggle so hard i snorted.
And as clever as this is, it's maddeningly heartbreaking. That polar bear photo has to be one of the saddest animal photos ever taken.
Sort of like MA's John Kerry and vietnam.
R
You know who else I hate? The Dutch. Blond-haired wooden-shoed motherfuckers.
i'd love to know who came up with the idea that "pussy" is synonymous with weak. pussies win. every time.
great stuff, steve, except the pic of inhofe made me vomit.
Steve... it's gonna get messy in here. I can tell.
And... what Fingerlakes said -- BAM!
"You only want to be a pussy. Pussies are tough. Pussies can push babies out of them. You guys piss and moan about little old kidney stones or when you get a piece of shit stuck in your asspipe and get all const--ee-pated and have to send your woman to the store to get you some of that milk o' magnesia.
So, y'all can keep your frozen nuts in OK (ya bunch of Sooners--what kind of state brags about ripping off Indian Territory). Those of us effete, effeminate snobs here in the Northeast will continue to hang out with our gay friends, drink our damn good wine, and fart in your general direction. "
"When taxes go down, meth production goes up. That's how you fix the economy."
That's something those East Coast elitist pussies don't get, and they never will get it, 'cause they wouldn't know how to cook meth if their lives depended on it, let alone field dress a deer or rip the plumbing out of the house next door after the neighbors were evicted to get the copper to sell for scrap.
Highly Rated
This is choice stuff. Truly. If you had not become a doctor, writing like this should have been your full time job. However, I'm certain that we who read you, as well as your patents, are grateful you do both so dang well.
I love your humor and how you use it to nudge truth out into the open.
Rated and appreciated.
I no longer drink and never fired again after a 22 backfired with a spark burning my eyelid in 5th grade. Pussies require guns to deter folks. Real men use words. Fighting words. And then run to hide behind Pick up trucks with Oklahoma plates.
As for gay marriage? We support it because of our latent homophobia. We want them to be as miserable as the rest of us and incapable of jumping the fence without leaving their wallet -- and often times their genitalia -- on the pickets as they head off finding happiness.
Why should divorcing heteros be the only ones relegated to the soprano section of the choir?
(and what Lea said about the polar bear photo)
My poor dog got out of the car when I was retching into a barrel at the rest stop until I was finally retching up blood. The dog stayed there patiently while in the meantime we kept driving trying to get me to a hospital. Finally some Tulsa doctor was poking me every which way while requiring that I lay on a cold stainless steel table and not puke up the Barium. There is nothing like feeling like you are going to implode while someone pokes at you mercilessly.
I just feel fortunate that I got away from Oklahoma with my pussy intact and was able to go back and find my little dog at the rest stop on the turnpike, and then get the hell out of there before anyone else decided to medically torture me and miss the point of my symptoms.
Pussies wouldn't want to stay in Oklahoma. Pussies are for fun and delivering babies and all kinds of stuff that Oklahomans are apparently too drunk and stupid to properly worship and appreciate, by your admission.
Apparently I was passing a big-assed gallstone but they still couldn't see it in the x-rays in Tulsa because I was 'too young' to have one. Tell the gall stone. It didn't care that I was only 24.
...
Seriously, this post was some funny shit Steve.
Will definitely be sharing this one!
Points well made, Steve.
(now can you change the oil in my car?) (oh nevermind, it's a pussy import.)
Besides Granny's doctorin', the only time a good Okiehomeran uses a pansificated, uppity medical dee-greed profession'l is to get our thumbs surgically fixed so they's no longer opposin'.
James Inhofe did, and that's why I voted fer him. He's'n worth the effort, even if'n I have to hold the pencil with both hands.
Thanks fer spreadin' the good word abouts our macho state. Everyone's manly down hereabouts - even the wimmin.
Rated.
Chic alors. French literature. Music for piano and chamber ensemble. There's quite a bit of that gritty manly stuff going on here in Massachusetts. You should come visit!
FAN TAS TIC !
{[R]}
1) General hilarity and awesomeness.
2) You did NOT take a shot at my BoSox, so I feel no conflict enjoying the post.
3) Champagne and jerking off to Jane Austen--oh, a funny-because-it's-true indictment of the deliberately socially inept losers who give my academic field a bad name.
And Jane Austen looks constipated.
And thank God for real Americans like you.
That alone was worth the read.... priceless.
Nice one Doc!
They caused a revolution because Sam Adams didn't know how to run a business.
That Kennedy guy, pretty tough after the Japs ran over his boat in the middle of the Pacific, killing sharks and all.
This one time resident of MA now challenges you to a duel with Wild Turkey 101 :)