I'm a Glenn Beck conservative, so you probably think I'm happy about the election, right? Wrong. Scottie's no conservative; he's a baby killer with a porn fetish. And the Democrats? Shit, they think Armageddon's here. Scottie wins by five measly points and everyone screams "landslide!" Here's my idea of a landslide: Scottie running uncontested and Martha cooking me hash browns for breakfast.
People in Massachusetts wouldn't recognize a conservative if he fondled their nipples. You want a real conservative? Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma.
Senator James Inhofe
Jim can down a six-pack, fire a rifle, and scratch his balls without even blinking. But is the media interested? No, cuz Jim's a real American. They'd rather get off on Massachusetts. Why? Because Massachusetts has health care. Massachusetts has schools. Massachusetts has paved roads.
Well, I'm gonna let you in on a secret: Massachusetts is for pussies.
You haven't been there? Trust me, it's a shithole. If Obama had half a brain, he'd move the troops from Iraq to Boston, where some real ass-kicking is needed. Of course, it wouldn't help; the people up there like being taxed up the wazoo. And where does the money go? Gay marriage, of course.
The media loves Massachusetts because of healthcare, and the Dems want to see it go national. Well, good luck. You'll have to sell all the oil in Alaska just to cover the crack babies in Tulsa. And besides, why should I pay for some guy's ulcer when I didn't pour the Jim Beam down him in the first place?
Now, don't get me started on schools. Everyone worships Massachusetts because of Hahvaard.
Let me tell you something about Harvard: It's for asswipes. I knew a guy who went there and started reading Jane Austen. He still can't change an oil filter. And speaking of oil filters, everyone's impressed that Scottie drives a pickup. A Suzuki pickup.
The only thing Suzuki's good for is making shade for my rottweiler. Around here, the only people in a Suzuki are two cerebral palsy kids glued to the seat by the Johnson boys.
If Scottie wants to discover real America, he needs to drive his gay little pickup to Oklahoma.
We'll teach him the first law of economics: cut taxes. When taxes go down, meth production goes up. That's how you fix the economy. But don't count on it happening in Massachusetts. Their legislature has better ideas, like funding "art." And when I say "art," I don't mean the tattoo of Dolly Parton in my groin. I'm talking weird shit -- stuff made by French people (whose asses we should have kicked after we buried the Germans.)
Madame Cézanne in a red armchair
The fact is, America's going down the crapper because of places like Massachusetts. I wouldn't be surprised if Scottie confiscated all the guns in Boston, which is fine with me. Anyone with a blood alcohol level of 0.1 who can't shoot a dead horse shouldn't be messin' with firearms anyway. And why does Massachusetts need guns? You can't shoot global warming!
Has anyone stepped outside lately? I almost froze my nuts buying a box of Marlboros the other day. As far as I can tell, the only people "warming" are the gays getting it on in Boston. Oh, and if that offends you, don't bother to say, "Oklahoma is retarded." I've heard it a thousand times. Sure, we have the worst schools in America, but someone's gotta push the Mexicans back while the rest of you sip champagne and jerk off to Jane Austen.
It wouldn't hurt you to show a little gratitude for the goods and services we provide, but I won't hold my breath. I'm a proud Oklahoman: I may be poor, drunk, and stupid, but there's something I'll never be -- a pussy like you.