For almost two years now I have worked as a Graphic Designer. Not in a fun-loving and freaky artists environment though. I work right smack in the middle of Corporate America. Every morning at 8 AM I get in my car, make a trek down the highway to the high-rise offices and park in a parking garage. I ride the elevator up to the 6th floor (always a few minutes late) swipe my badge and make myself as comfortable as possible in my cubicle.
Rewind just a bit…
Before I got hired I was given a test. YES! A TEST! Oh the horror. Especially for somebody who has such test anxiety. My interviewer and future boss informed me that the test was protocol and that there was no right or wrong answers. The test is known as the Kolbe test. The test supposedly assesses your “natural abilities and instinctive talents.” Upon finding this out, I relaxed a little, because clearly I have something I am good at, I made good grades in school, I enjoy being a creative mind and I have interests in many thing, surely one of those many things can be translated by this test.
After I took the test, I felt good about it. I answered all of the questions honestly, I felt fine about how I answered those questions and I felt that the results would show my future employer that my creative abilities and savvy talent would serve his firm well. I figured since I got hired and hired in just less than 48 hours that my test must have impressed my employer.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but you are in transition…
It wasn’t until over a year later after a happy hour outing with the team that I found out that my test came back inconclusive. Yes. I was told that my test revealed that I was in fact in TRANSITION. What this translates is a failure of the test essentially. The reason it means the same as fail is because everyone in our firm must take a test with conclusive results to be measured together to produce the synergy results of our group. Without definitive results on my test I leave our team’s synergy incomplete. Because I’m questionable my colleagues as a collective are questionable.
Now personally I find this Kolbe test and its “irrefutable” assessment to be a load of horse shit.
But it got me thinking about my phase, “In Transition”, and what this actually means to me and for me.
Transition by definition means movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change.
What is so wrong with transition anyway?
I can remember from my childhood being a very inquisitive, persistent and curious little girl. I make-believed and day-dreamed all the time. I changed my mind all the time and I never knew exactly where my life would take me. I am that same little curious girl just in a curvier grown woman’s body.
I’ve been in transition ever since I can remember. I know that everyone can say they are transitioning in their lives but what I feel is this strange lucidity in my cloudy, cloudy life. If I just settle for what I’ve got now, for what I do now and for what I have become up until now, am I then defined and thus in complete synergy with my contemporaries? And if so, is that who, what and where I want to be?
I tried to explain to my boss that I’ve got this wanderlust in me and that I can do my job as it is only one tiny aspect in my life. In fact, it’s the only sure thing in my life right now.
I don’t know if it will be a waste of time contemplating the world and my presence in it till the day I die or if doing that will make my very last moments the most gratifying instant, worth all of my loss in transition.
I actually think that if we stop being in transition then we are done living our lives, we have nothing else to figure out, learn or experience. If we satisfy ourselves with our current situation we will become stagnant and unmotivated.
While it does frustrate me sometimes that I haven’t quite figured out this life, the journey contemplation and experimentation has been great at times, not always but it will make for an interesting story someday.
I’d rather have more questions than answers, more excitement than lackluster moments and more danger than stagnancy.
My employer didn’t fire me or reprimand me for scoring in transition. He is a little let down that he can’t figure the synergy of our collaborative team yet. But he expresses his appreciation for my hard work on a regular basis.
He did make me take the test again just a few months ago.
And yes…I’m still lost in transition.