Sparking My Own Evolution

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October 31
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The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... *************************************** -Jack Kerouac ***************************************


DECEMBER 15, 2010 3:31AM

The Light is My Angel

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Sparkling Light

 (Click Image for Source Credit)

It is odd having a head crammed full of memories of happier times of my childhood, especially against the backdrop of severe trauma memories that have surfaced  over time.  Don't you picture evil people being evil all the time? Isn't that what the movies and television have taught us?  

Well, not at my house.

My mother went overboard for the holidays as a kid.  We weren't from means, but she would drag out the chintzy fake Christmas tree, put on the twinkly multi-colored lights that blinked in off-hand patterns, and then adorn it with the ornaments from years past.  This is a fond memory.  It doesn't hold any realness to it, but more of a surreal, temporal quality of a time when even a hardened criminal like her, could find something to be cheerful about.  She even made an angel to put on top.  I would sit and stare at that tree for hours in the dark.

Those times lasted right up to the age my daughter is now.  After my third grade year, the booze and drugs became her full-time companion and my brother and I were left to fend for ourselves against the warped mind of a psychopathic father.   The years go much darker after that.  I don't remember the twinkling of any lights.  Except...

This light would come whenever my father killed someone.  Without fail, as a chapter within my horribly violent memories, there would be this profound light teaming with effervescence and an all-pervasive love.   It would surround me and the person that was about to die; a child who could no longer survive the ravages of sadistic predators.  As their bodies gave out, I could see their souls rise from their now lifeless vessel and engage with the light in a way which made them comfortable.  They could change the shape of it to make it more welcoming; sometimes like an angel, sometimes like a tunnel, sometimes like a grand man in flowing robes who would simply stand their smiling elegantly and encouraging them to move...beyond.

As the horror of what I lived through was shelved somewhere in my mind, so was the beautiful gift of  the light.  When the memories began to return, they were periodically marked with these incredible interactions with the light.  As my therapist said to me after my first experience seeing it again, "you were bound to get something for your money."

I know today that light is where we all come from and return to.  It is a strange thing in this society to have such assurance about this, as so many are afraid of what happens after death. I am  often surprised by the ways people try to manage their fear of death. I do not have that fear.  I have a knowing and it is a deeply peaceful gift after the years of horror.  

It's funny though, you can't give that knowing away.   Most wisdom is like that, earned through trials and triumphs.  What I do wish for is to give people certainty; they are not alone and they are deeply loved.  A love beyond human imagination.  If you can open your mind to that idea, all matters of miracles can happen.  

As this season is a celebration of a man named Jesus, I remind myself to focus on what he really came here to do, to teach each of us about the light.  While I am not religious, I am spiritual and have spent years studying the texts of various religions. There is much inspiration to be gained from the words within these hallowed books, and when I read the Bible as metaphor (versus the literal translations and heavy-handed rule book which is so often taught), I see the magic of what has been there all along, written down over 2,000 years ago.

2 Peter 1:19 And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 

The light is what makes my life miraculous.  We have survived the unimaginable as a family unit of three (and a couple pets who are beloved) and while we still struggle with the day to day logisitics of life, there is a foundation of faith in our connection to the light that lives in and through us and ...beyond.

When I see the ways in which people choose to celebrate this time of year, I find myself drifting back to the traumatized 8-year-old girl sitting on the velour cream couch, staring at the twinkling of lights that brought me so much peace, because I recognized them as home.   

May your holidays be Merry and *Bright*.


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Happy Holidays to you as well!!!
marvelous, rated & HappyHappy!!
Wow! How extraordinary your experiences have been. It is consoling to know the Light exists.

Sparking, you are a very bright light my friend. A light that shines the way for all to see. From darkness you have emerged ... a shining light of hope. You... it is you who are the angel!
Beautifully written taken more seriously because of all you have been through. I believe you. You give me hope in the Light and true inspiration. The Bible also says, "Where there is light, there is no darkness." It's something we need to be constantly reminded of. Thank you and Happy Holidays.
This was beautifully written, I'm so glad to see it even though it came through all the horror. It's a great gift Knowing about the rest of it, I too don't fear death knowing there is that great Love waiting.

"It's funny though, you can't give that knowing away. Most wisdom is like that, earned through trials and triumphs." I had to laugh, it's true and it's so frustrating, it's as if you have the best flavor of ice cream in the world and almost no one can taste it, even though you want them to enjoy it too.

It's good you wrote this, some people are able to gain wisdom from others. If only there was a way to have others Know the light wants to give Love all the time. We long for it and nothing else fills it, no rules, rituals or books make that connection, we have to connect to it ourselves. That's when we truly start to connect to others, it changes everything, it changes the way we love.
let there always be light to shelter you
I'm so glad you have some good memories to think back on. I'm not afraid of death either, I've been there.
I know this light Spark.
I am so happy to see this post honoring it.
May the light shine for all to see.
Sending healing and understanding to all these holidaze.
Sitting by the morning lamp.
Memories will have to do.
Brightness to you as well.
Sparking you may think that you cannot give away your "knowing" but you are sharing your light that is filled with knowledge and certainty and grace. Thank you so much.
Merry Christmas to you, Sparking. As usual, powerfully written yet difficult for me to wrap my head around the trauma you have experienced. I am grateful, however, that you are in a good place now and that the light of this season has such uplifting meaning for you.
Wonderful and rated with hugs
I love your love of the light.
I love your love of the light.
whatever each person's 'light' is and however they find it, you couldn't be more right about the fact that it is "a deeply peaceful gift." this is a lovely piece, sparking. have a beautiful christmas with your family and the critters. xoxo
Peace to you Sparking, I know this realization came at a heavy price..
This is very stunning, Sparking. I didn't know much of it. I wish you a happy holiday filled with peace. ~R
Every bit strong and luminous, Sparking . . . happy holidays . . .
Thank you so much for this.
You, my friend, shine so brightly.
May the warm light continue to envelop you in peace and grace. R
Thinking of you in the light.
I believe as you do and I am so sorry for how you found the lights, how you know they are there. But to know is to embrace life and not be afraid of what is to come. Happy Bright Holidays to you too.
Rated - cause I long ago ran out of words to comment on your writing. Or life.
But you know, this world is a better place with your light in it Sparky.
Loved this. Wishing you all the best as always.
Hard to add to these wonderful comment. I will say I loved your piece and wish you a Very Merry!
A very merry to you. You deserve it.
Beautiful and very surprising. And inspiring. " I have a knowing and it is a deeply peaceful gift after the years of horror." I am glad that something good did come out of that awful time, and I'm also glad you're in a much better place now. Happy Holidays to you and your family (pets very much included). Peace and joy now and in the new year. R.
What a beautiful gift this was to share and hear responses to. I wish you all a joyful holiday season and send the light your way filled with love you can not possibly fathom...until you do.
Such horror and trauma. Such strength and wisdom. You inspire and amaze me.

Happy holidays to you and your family as well.