Since the turn of the century, I've begun to think (hold on to your pants now) that our tried and true euphemisms need a 21st century makeover.
I mean who has time to only Kill Two Birds with One Stone any more? Really - the lack of efficiency is criptonite for Americans who now have more phone numbers than our children can remember and more modes of communication to 'update' our 'friends' than we can count.
Three birds, yes, definitely, three birds...
And, while we're at it, let's give these other tried and true pet phrases a just-0ver-the century makeover:
Batting for the Other Side: Don't you know there are more sides than two to this outdated euphemism? Truly. LGBTQIA makes seven, so this needs to be a septagonal overhaul. What this outdated assembly of words needs is the guidance of a magic eight ball to help us all discover on which 'side' we may land.
Built for Comfort not Speed: Nope! Not anymore! We are multitaskers now so we need Comfort and Speed. And, while we're at it, a bit of aerodynamics for green efficiency, a touch of flexibility for our overworked online planners, not to mention the ever-important touch of spice so we can handle it all with graciousness and equanimity (insert fake smile here).
Collateral Damage: It is common knowledge that civilian casualties are just a stepping stone to most politicians career warpath. I think we need to start calling this euphemism Campaign Contributions for the sake of clarity. After all, this really is the best insurance greasy corporations can buy to install the next military coup they would like implemented in an oil rich nation, which will of course send their stocks soaring.
Differently Abled: I think this covers way too many sins. Are we not all differently abled in some way now? We have become so politically correct that it is best to be specific about what makes us different. How about Calorie Disabled for us foodies, or Electronically Disabled for the computer illiterate, or Gender Abled for those who like all persuasions? Yes, it is best to be specific.
Full Figured: "?" All I can say is Whatever.
Gentlemen Friend: I could say something snarky about the existence of Gentlemen en masse, but instead, I'll go with Amazing Lover for a more direct approach. Can't you just imagine it? Hello, Grandma, this is my Gent...-er-...Amazing Lover.
Gone South: Now why would anyone want to do that these days? A little company named BP ruined that for many, so I say we ought to Head North from now on.
House of Ill Repute: Change house to plural, as in house(s), and we conveniently can call this Congress.
In Reduced Circumstances: Easy-peasy = Middle Class.
Kick the Bucket: Is there a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza? Truly, can we not have a more elegant phrase for discussing death? Since we've come out of the backwoods, or most of us any ways, I'll go with Bought the Pie (as in pie in the sky) or for a more down and dirty version, we could go with Gobblin' Dirt (hopefully self-explanatory).
Knocked Up: This doesn't account for so many of the pregnancies today, what about artificial insemination and surrogates? I call for a makeover, how about Fertilized or Sperminated?
Laid Off: With companies now making a habit of not hiring from the unemployed ranks, how about we call a spade a spade? Unemployable.
Message from Our Sponsor: What they really mean of course is how can we buy your purchase loyalty, so let's go with: Corporate Pimp.
Out-source: What country can we use as slave labor whose government has been overthrown by a leader of the US' choosing with all applicable tax breaks already in place? Or, Middle Class Abortion.
Private Parts: How about nummies? I don't really know...just thought this sounded juvenile, still. Bueller?
Reverse Engineering: Just sounds too 80s. I think Patent Infringement will do.
Smallest Room in the House: There no longer are small rooms in most houses - have you seen the McMansions in suburbia today? Let's go with The Lou or The Abby to add an international flair to our strip mall lives.
Talk to a Man about a Horse: Talk to a boss about a raise or Talk to BP about a Brown Pelican - in either case, you'll feel pissed on.
Visually Challenged: Beer Goggles or It was the Tequila.
Your Place or Mine?: Let's go with Your Place then Mine! After all, we are a generous lot.
Copyright © Sparking. All Rights Reserved.