Sparking My Own Evolution

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The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... *************************************** -Jack Kerouac ***************************************


Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 3, 2010 12:48PM

Killing 3 Birds With 1 Stone

Rate: 35 Flag

Since the turn of the century, I've begun to think (hold on to your pants now) that our tried and true euphemisms need a 21st century makeover.  

I mean who has time to only Kill Two Birds with One Stone any more? Really - the lack of efficiency is criptonite for Americans who now have more phone numbers than our children can remember and more modes of communication to 'update' our 'friends' than we can count.

Three birds, yes, definitely, three birds...

And, while we're at it, let's give these other tried and true pet phrases a just-0ver-the century makeover:


Batting for the Other Side:  Don't you know there are more sides than two to this outdated euphemism?  Truly.  LGBTQIA makes seven, so this needs to be a septagonal overhaul.  What this outdated assembly of words needs is the guidance of a magic eight ball to help us all discover on which 'side' we may land.

Built for Comfort not Speed:  Nope!  Not anymore!  We are multitaskers now so we need Comfort and Speed.  And, while we're at it, a bit of aerodynamics for green efficiency, a touch of flexibility for our overworked online planners, not to mention the ever-important touch of spice so we can handle it all with graciousness and equanimity (insert fake smile here).

Collateral Damage:  It is common knowledge that civilian casualties are just a stepping stone to most politicians career warpath.  I think we need to start calling this euphemism Campaign Contributions for the sake of clarity. After all, this really is the best insurance greasy corporations can buy to install the next military coup they would like implemented in an oil rich nation, which will of course send their stocks soaring.

Differently Abled:  I think this covers way too many sins.  Are we not all differently abled in some way now?  We have become so politically correct that it is best to be specific about what makes us different.  How about Calorie Disabled for us foodies, or Electronically Disabled for the computer illiterate, or Gender Abled for those who like all persuasions?  Yes, it is best to be specific.  

Full Figured:  "?"  All I can say is Whatever.

Gentlemen Friend:  I could say something snarky about the existence of Gentlemen en masse, but instead, I'll go with Amazing Lover for a more direct approach.  Can't you just imagine it?  Hello, Grandma, this is my Gent...-er-...Amazing Lover.

Gone South:  Now why would anyone want to do that these days?  A little company named BP ruined that for many, so I say we ought to Head North from now on.

House of Ill Repute:  Change house to plural, as in house(s), and we conveniently can call this Congress.

In Reduced Circumstances:  Easy-peasy = Middle Class.

Kick the Bucket:  Is there a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza?  Truly, can we not have a more elegant phrase for discussing death?  Since we've come out of the backwoods, or most of us any ways, I'll go with Bought the Pie (as in pie in the sky) or for a more down and dirty version, we could go with Gobblin' Dirt (hopefully self-explanatory).  

Knocked Up:  This doesn't account for so many of the pregnancies today, what about artificial insemination and surrogates?  I call for a makeover, how about Fertilized or Sperminated?

Laid Off:  With companies now making a habit of not hiring from the unemployed ranks, how about we call a spade a spade?  Unemployable.

Message from Our Sponsor:  What they really mean of course is how can we buy your purchase loyalty, so let's go with:  Corporate Pimp.

Out-source:  What country can we use as slave labor whose government has been overthrown by a leader of the US' choosing with all applicable tax breaks already in place?  Or, Middle Class Abortion.  

Private Parts:  How about nummies?  I don't really know...just thought this sounded juvenile, still.  Bueller?

Reverse Engineering:  Just sounds too 80s.  I think Patent Infringement will do.

Smallest Room in the House:  There no longer are small rooms in most houses - have you seen the McMansions in suburbia today?  Let's go with The Lou or The Abby to add an international flair to our strip mall lives.

Talk to a Man about a Horse:  Talk to a boss about a raise or Talk to BP about a Brown Pelican - in either case, you'll feel pissed on.

Visually Challenged:  Beer Goggles or It was the Tequila.

Your Place or Mine?:   Let's go with Your Place then Mine!  After all, we are a generous lot.



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"Thinking Outside the Box." That's what investment bankers do. Look what a mess they made. They should crawl back into the box.
Thanks for this. I needed some enlightenment.
I am full figured from the house of ill repute
Great piece and rated with hugs
You gave a chuckle to a guy who too often is certain the silver lining has a dark cloud around it.
Rated for the House of Ill Repute alone...
Now sometimes "Kicked The Bucket" and "Gone South" can mean the same thing!
Good to see you writing, my friend, and glad to see that snarky sense of humor.
My coffee came out of my mouth (that's a compliment). Glad to see you on my feed!
The Abby??? what could you be thinking? Hmph! I like 'uniquely abled' and am going to figure out what that means right away... after I kill 2 birds with one stone and talk to a lady about a horse.
I love your dictionary.
I most definitely like the way you think._r
JB - Agreed and Hallelujah!

Sage - Anytime dear friend, anytime.

Linda - we come from the same background I see.

alsoknownas - You mean it doesn't? I've been laboring under false impressions for too long.

askmeforwhatyouwant - Love the avatar! Thank you!

trilogy - ah, thanks my friend! I think we should Head North for that Pie in the Sky!

Hope - you must have the best RSS feed ever! You are fast. Hope that you had fun berry picking this weekend.

Gabby - let me know what the lady says, okay?

RomanticPoetess - Me too!

Joan - it is full of cobwebs but once in awhile I can crank out a few notes. ;)
May I add a few?
Collateral damage - dead people we dont give a shit about
House(s) of ill repute - you forgot Supreme Court (at least the current version)
Kick the bucket - dirt side of daisies (not mine but I love this one)
Out-source - You're fired.

Nice to see you back!
Who knew you were a comedienne? These are hilarious. You should do an Open Call for some other common cliches.
Wow - you have a way with laughter. Very funny.

How about Insider Trading? That one deserves a makeover.
I feel much better now. Thanks!
Another day, another dollar. Yup, thats the problem. Another day and you definitely need more than a lousy dollar. R
Making me smile tween weeding the garden and this darn OS. Very clever and true, on sooo many levels. Rated for fun and smiles!
The buck stops here = Welcome to the food bank line. Thanks for this, Sparking. Funny, great stuff.
I'm loving these. Now I just need to think of another way of saying that age old saying: you got it going on, sister!
You are onto something here. You do snarky with cleverness and wit. This is better than anything that has shown up in my gmail in-box for a long, long time.
Tim - I knew you would have something brilliant to add! Thank you!

Jonathan - Thanks my friend!

L - I have been working on this off and on for several weeks. My humor comes slowly, very slowly. ;)

FranksandBeans - YES! Insider Trading needs an overhaul. I'll think on that one.

sophieh - glad I could help (I think)!

Sheila - good one! Y'all are good at this!

Cindy - can you come by and help with my weeds, too? Glad you enjoyed!

Jane - I liked that one the best I think too - except maybe collateral damage. Only 2,000? I think you deserve the daily double!

Caroline - Thanks sister friend!

Scarlett - what a high compliment - wit? If I achieve anything close to that on any given day than I call that a success! Thank you kindly my friend.

maria - glad you got a laugh!
Sharp and funny. Good writing too!
I've kept my nose to the grind stone, but I've never seen the stone! R
This makes me really curious about where a lot of these phrases came from, and what will future generations think of some of the phrases that have emerged from our generation? (So glad you see you around!)
Your Place, Then Mine - excellent! I'll just call my Amazing Lover.
Great post! Now I have see a man about a dog!
I love this. I have been known to introduce or refer to my better half as my demon lover. cuts back on the your little friend comments that are so unfunny in your fifties.
I am humbled, oh wise one. Very inventive!
Oh how I love "sperminated". I'm using it.
Love these, Sparking, but you're an optimist. With the way the economy's going, it may soon hafta be "your box or mine."
Gail - Thank You!!!

Natalie - Indeed, where is that thing?

Bell - I am curious, too. I'm going to search that out actually - I have a book on different adages so I'll see if any of these are in there. Nice to see you!!!

60 - I hope he is worth it! ;)

Scanner - Tell me what he says, OK?

Zul - I know, huh? Crazy business finding a label for the "friendlies" in our life.

Michael -'re so sweet. Wise? Now that made me laugh!

Mimetalker - It sounded a little 'terminator' to me, but I went with it anyway. ;)

Matt - HA! Now, that is funny and honest!

Have a good one everyone - I'm off to take the 8-year-old to the waterpark!
These are inspired and just terrific!
The cover just got sweeeeeeter! "Private Parts" how about "dump trunk" for the butt and "fire truck" for the front. These are from the mouths of my boys, mind you. They say "fire truck" because it shoots real water and dump truck because... well, you're educated enough to figure that one out. "Your place" ... that one I wish I could visit. Miss you.
I like having my cake and pie and chocolate and ice cream and candy and donuts -- and eating them too.
Good laugh, sparking! And good to see you again! "House of Ill Repute" and "In Reduced Circumstances" were quite the one-two punch.
Love the "house of ill repute"!!