Sparking My Own Evolution

One word at a time...


October 31
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Planet Earth
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... *************************************** -Jack Kerouac ***************************************


MARCH 12, 2010 11:09PM

Losing My Legs...Again.

Rate: 82 Flag

Here it is, Friday night, and I was supposed to go to the "Reptile Man" show at our local community center with my daughter.

She l-o-v-e-s animals.  Did I say love?  That's an understatement.

But, I'm here, typing these words out on the screen instead.  Sometimes I write for creativity, sometimes I write to convey, sometimes I write to explain my observations, sometimes I write to listen to others travel the same waters I have.  I write because I can not imagine not doing so anymore.  It's really that simple for me.

But, I digress.  Often.

I have lost the use of my legs again.  I am now relegated to walking my house like a bit of a swinging windmill to get from place to place.  My knees have to be knocked and locked, and I use the different pieces of furniture as apparatus to slide myself along.  I kind of have a rhythm about me, a cadence to how I move; it is like learning to walk backwards.  I'm crawling again.

I missed her school concert last night. I am missing the “Reptile Man”. I am mad about being robbed of any time from the person which I treasure most in this world - my beautiful girl.

It is hard to write when times are like this.  I write about the transcendence, and the lessons, and the light through the pain; all in hopes of making a lot of sense out of my little world.

But, the truth?  It sucks right now.  It flat out fucking sucks.


I don't like to show weakness of any kind, it is not easy for me.  Being dependent has felt weak and hard and defeating.

The strange paradox is that I see crying as a strength now.  I was threatened with my life for crying when I was young and I didn't allow 'them' the pleasure.  I showed them what real strength is made of, I curled my spirit up next to my soul and hid out for years until I was on my own, safe, and could begin the arduous work of filtering through the horror of my childhood to find the real me, again.

I'm here now. 

I went 'inward' probably about the time I was beginning to walk.  I don't think it was one giant decision and 'poof' I just left my body to the hands of criminals. I think it happened over time as each abusive act chipped away at my personality, my consciousness, and my body.  

But they could never take my spirit.  They could never touch that.


I have made a shift in my recovery from trauma out of what they call the Earthquake phase into the Big "T" phase.  I was in the Earthquake phase for over 3 years.  It has been a rough ride.

About three weeks ago, I saw the rash on my arm come back.  I saw my body swelling up again; I noticed my speech becoming intermittent; my energy was not what it has been.  I didn't want to think about it.  I pushed it down and aside -- just like survivors do.

But, avoiding it is only a temporary answer.

Three days ago my legs gave out and they are not coming back for awhile.  How do I know? 

They told me. the writer you thought you knew is sounding completely nut balls. I know.  It sounded crazy to me at first, too.  I have been the recipient of the best alternative health support I believe wo/man has on this planet while simultaneously finding amazing supplemental support from traditional care.  Seattle is a mecca for alternative health anwers. 

Trust me, I didn't go looking for 'alternative methods'; they showed up after many, many, many horrible trials at hospitals and doctors offices.  I have found some good ones now.

One of the main modalities which has aided in my physical healing is a process called NMT (Neuro-Modulation Technique).  Don't bother looking it up if you're a science type - you won't believe it.  If you’re not, information can be found at  

Basically, its intuitive healing based on the consciousness of the body.  I have overcome blindness, noise sensitivity, muteness, MS-like symptoms, seizure activity, lymphatic edema, fibromyalgia and much, much more.  Oh, and reflux.  I hate the reflux so it bears standing alone.

My body turned into a veritable disease trial when bits of trauma began releasing.  It had to hold all the unprocessed emotions somewhere for years and years and it has basically short-circuited the whole system in the most unpredictable ways as each trauma is released.

It has felt like having a crap shoot of symptoms and never really knowing what is going to come and what is going to go; when, or for how long.

(BTW:  ‘nut balls’ is a term of endearment in my house.  It comes from the Junie B. Jones series for K-2 that my daughter and I read together, in case you are wondering.)


Recovering from my trauma has provided me with a lot of joy AND a lot of heartbreak.  Sometimes it's easy to want to make things all one way, or only want to share the 'good stuff.'  It is important for me to remember that a paradox is an AND not an OR.

Right now, I am down, physically debilitated again, and in a grieving cycle on top of it.  I didn't know how to write about that until I just started punching the keys. 

You see, I didn't feel like I was being honest with those of you who read me.  I heard myself give a friend some advice about "not making decisions for people" as in "let them decide what they can handle" and I wasn't thinking about my own situation.  Why wasn't I trusting you?  I guess I needed a dose of my own medicine.

So here I am.  Raw.  Really me.  Legs not working, heading into another phase of recovery which is taking a physical toll on me, and trying to live with the naked-truth of that out in the open rather than pretending "it's all okay."


I will be okay.  But, what happened to me was just, not, fucking, okay.  I just need to say that today.


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you can say it, today and whenever you need to. I'm sorry for the pain and disability...for what can't be done and needs to be done. We're living it too, as the bride has early onset Parkinson's and the digression is increasingly rapid.

Hold on to the ones that love you, and for the ones here and beyond who will benefit from connecting to you and your words.
Oh, Sparking, I wish you wellness that comes from all of Spirit breathing through you, loosing all pain and trauma to let you be Whole in every way! I will meditate for you... (You've taken quite a ride in this Life, and it's affecting your body, what you can seem to handle, if that makes sense to you... and that's all...) Continuous flowing Love to you, my dear Sparking! Do keep writing! Julie
I said "fuck" aloud before I read the words "It flat out fucking sucks" in your post.

From your description, it sounds as if you employ a balance of healing resources and methods. Have you tried anti-inflammatory steroids I wonder? I'm not a doctor. I just know what it feels like when legs decide to "check out."

I hope you recover completely, starting with your legs. xoxo
It takes a lot of guts to face the trauma & work through it. To bring your mind, body & soul together. Keep writing through it, sparking. We're reading.

(hmm, I wonder where the phrase "a lot of guts" comes from...)
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
i am so sorry for the pain, debilitation and grief. it is a lot to have on your plate. keep writing and letting out what you can, sweetie. *hugs*
bbd- thanks. thanks a bunch. I'm sorry to hear of the early Parkinson's...that is very rough. I really appreciate your kinds words...clear through.

Studman - ::hugs::

Julie - Thank you. I practice tonglen prayer regularly and do a lot of my own energy work on myself. It always helps to receive it from the spirit of others as well. It all helps. Thank you...for being you and your kinds words.

::Natalie:: - I know you know. Thank you for your suggestion and your sweet and healing words. I adore you so much but I know you know that. Thanks for the support.

Caroline - good question. I remember figuring out "stuck in a rut". Thanks for the support of your reading and kindness.

Trilogy - nothing needs to be said.
Wow, Sparking, I don't really know what to say.

I hope that you keep writing. If what you're writing feels like a diary sometimes, just remember that some of the most powerful writing in the world is in the form of diary-writing.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
I know what you mean about the pain thing. I have thought my way out of several severe headaches.
Not sure what to say. I wish you well.
I am so thankful you are honest, wise, and loving. I love you so much babe, through it all you are so upbeat. I am glad you are taking the time to feel what you need to.
Ranjit - thanks, I always appreciate your support (and critiques). I'm not sure how to write this blatant I guess. It feels so personal, less guarded. I'm not sure if people want to read that. I'm just trying new things...and, also remembering this is a community at the same time.

Jane - I did feel it. Thank you. I know you understand the trials and tribulations of up and down. Thanks for the well wishes and for commiserating with me a little. Sometimes we need good company.

ocular - pain is a bitch, huh? It's amazing how powerful our minds are. Thanks for your comment.

Gwool - that's cool. I'm not really sure there is much to say, I just really appreciate you listening. I needed that tonight.

Joe - for anyone who doesn't know, Joe is my husband. So he has to say nice things about me. I love you, too.
You have done so much good, hard work that I couldn't imagine doing. You will come out of this. I am glad that you have found good alternative therapies. I truly believe that a lot of physical pain is due to psychological ailments.
And, yes. You have every right to say, over and over, that what happened to you was not fucking okay.
Everything else aside I commend you on not going to see the Reptile Man show... that shows plain old good sense! Reptiles freak the hell out of me...

And no... it wasn't fucking okay... and that's something you should say every damn day.
You can say it...

Good. You're writing, we're listening.
Well, you know I'm a science type, so I didn't look it up. And I sort of glossed over what feels like nonsense to me right now in the sciency phase I'm in. Don't be offended--that's just me.

Here's what I did read loud and clear: You are hurting, both physically and psychically. You are kind and strong. (Well, I didn't read that; I already knew that.) You want us to know the real you. And you want us to love the real you.

We do. I do.
Did you know that there is a Reptile Museum in Monroe? It was full of stinky snakes of all kinds and you can see the biggest cockroaches I have ever seen and snakes eating mice. Totally gross. We took our grandboys there.

Glad to hear that you will be okay.
This might seem like the dumbest question in the world, but have you thought of getting a wheelchair so when your legs go out, you can still go out, too? Dumb question aside, I'm sorry this happens to you. That sucks. Sending hugs to you...
There isn't a single person who stopped by to read your post who hasn't been moved. You have the energy of hundreds of people online who wish you good health. I hope you use that energy to its maximum effect.
Delia - "I truly believe that a lot of physical pain is due to psychological ailments." I concur. I had this cool experience (in retrospect it hurt like hell at the time) when I cut my foot open during the time I was going through the worst of the physical stuff. You know what? My body reacted the exact same way. I believe cells have memory, not morality, they don't decipher between emotional and physical trauma. I really know it's the same - I've lived it. Thank you for your kind support. I haven't been to your blog in nice to hear from you.

Surly - I don't know why, but hearing that from you, it's not fucking okay, was really, really, really necessary. I know you're no bullshit and I love that about you.

And, truthfully, I am glad got the reptile duty...I like the furry animals.

Mrs. Raptor - thank you - thank you.

Deborah - I appreciate that generous gesture. So far, so good. Still feeling a bit squeamish being this vulnerable.

Lainey - I know you are a science type, it's funny, I actually thought of you as I typed that. That's what I love about you, or us, our differences, and that it is perfectly wonderful. I'm not offended, not in the least, it's just what's worked for me...and it worked after a lot of the other stuff not working.

What is most important is what you said. Love. Thank you. Back at you, in spades.

Susanne - really, in Monroe? Well, another reason to avoid Monroe. ;) Thank you for your well wishes.
Sending you a big hug, Spark.
You're writing is beautiful and I know it helps with the healing.
All good things to you.
On my personal journey, I discovered Ann Miller "The Drama of the Gifted Child" and Jean Jenson "Reclaiming Your Life". I had done considerable work leading up to my discovery but I have to say that those two books brought it all together for me. They changed my life!
Damn. I don't know who you are, it's the first time I think I've read anything from you. But I wish you the best and if that's in the cards, a full recovery. In the meantime, yeah, vent when you need to.
A great post of healing. And I too am a veteran of energy healing. If you're curious, look up Dr. Eric Pearl. I attended his seminar and it is real. Like you said, some things are just known and can't be explained to the closed-minded.

Main thing to know, though, is that in your sharing you're sending ripples of healing to others as well. Sure gave me some food for thought here.
I think you are incredibly brave. If my legs stopped working, I would be in a complete panic.

You're absolutely right--it does fucking suck to lose your mobility and not be able to do things you want to do.

I hope the recovery cycle won't be too hard on you.

The mind\body connection cannot be overstated, I am so very sorry it is striking you again. It must be a constant battle to try to run up against each day, keep writing, I will be reading and sending healing thoughts and love..
Feels like one of those times when you say nothing, because there's nothing at all one can say. So you simply listen with your whole heart.
Say it today and tomorrow and as often as you need to. XOXOXO
Thanks for reminding me to be thankful of walking again after my car accident, even if it smashed up my left side, and left me wondering why did I survive if only to suffer
Make every moment count. I hope the writing is theraputic for you, if not physically, then emotionally.
I am sorry that you are having to go through so much. I am glad that you are writing about it and that you see yourself coming out of it ok.
This is a blindingly brilliant post. It shines a spotlight on emotional trauma that is stored in our bodies. It gives the rest of us permission to say, "This fucking sucks" for you and for ourselves. It reminds us that tears are for the strong. It does not cause one minute of pity for the writer. This post inspires me, makes me hopeful, and gives me strength. Sparking, I want your health to return quickly. I also want you to keep writing through this_ for all of us.
You've got guts Sparking and I don't even know what that is supposed to mean but 'gutsy' is the word that floated up as I read through this post. This guy is gutsy. Takes a lickin and keeps on kickin. Man oh man. Yeah you do swear well - and you should keep doing it. Nothing better than cutting one loose - FUUUUUUCK
(I feel better now)
But--but! "I have overcome blindness, noise sensitivity, muteness, MS-like symptoms, seizure activity, lymphatic edema, fibromyalgia and much, much more. Oh, and reflux."
You will this, too. You have it within you to do so. And if you need our help, we're here, for what we can do.
In the meantime, would using crutches help?
Good grief. What Trilogy and others wrote.
I hope you are not gonna be broken-rib sore.
I always attended group-therapy with a sign.
No hugging. no.
Some folk smell.
People got bad breath.
Politicos pick pockets.
Some hug with a jug.
No bottles in pants.
No take off blouse.
You wiggles mouse.
No hum`hi nut -ball.
Sneeze and hug you.
No breaks your ribs.
I have a free VA two-wheel walker, a few wood canes, a large wooden staff, crutches, a arm sling, a football helmet with the mouth-guard. My prayers, and when you are feeling better I'd wish I could take you to a ocean beach at `Round Bay, Nova Scotia. Free, a two bedroom, and sand, waves, starlights, pebbles, boulders, sea-waves crashing, mist, Oh dear moon.
P.S. a vile of anti-poison ivy.

It's a wonder folks don't fly.
Take one bunny hop on flea.
Take cranky-grief pain away.
I flick my mid-finger at bugs.
We're invaded by sting-bugs.
I may flick two for you today.

Jim Bishop wrote a sentence:`

Nothing is as far away as one-
One minute ago.

Emily Dickinson wrote one too-

'Forever is composed of nows.'
Be happy for your twenty dimples.
Ya lucky the dimples ain't pimples.

You could be a obese priest wino.
And on top of that, sexy addicted.
Thou shall no consider sex change.

Soon Ya can stick toe in poodle lip.
Hop to bathe. One foot out-of-tub.
In bathtub or birdbath jest splash.
Do pushup in outdoor mud puddle.

Ask Ya Friends to bring cheesecake.
No eat baloney. Cook grilled cheese.
Ask our family to cook medium rare.

When Ya are in your sixties you sexy.
Geezers have hot-flashes like kids do.
If I keep this up Ya call 9-11-mortician.

I have thoughts but the normal thought?
People will lampoon as lame fidgety, ay.
My Father would say such stupid stuffs.

Oh, Sparking, You will be better after your one-hundred year-old birthday party, and a dozen, or more, marriages. If I feel not so hot and bummed ... I go into DC and Play hobo with a rusty oboe, and beg for a carrot to string-up in a Tree for a hopping bunny rabbit.
I hope this leads to merriment, joy, and you will smell like beeswax.
Hop in there.
Paul Tillich wrote something. O forgot. Watch Charley Chaplain's `Modern Times. Listen to Hank William, Bob Dylans "slow train is coming"
or is it?
Hank sang`
I Saw The Light.
gads, now, a red fire engine is steaming and barreling like a loco loco coo coo "nutball"...
Oho, freight train ...
You should market a candy bar called`Nut Ball' from the Far Out Milky Way?
Be tickled?
Tickled wrote`the demoniac pervades every structure of existence.'
Cheered up?
apology? Ah!
I just two nuts.
You will be okay.
right there with you. thanks for dumping this here...xx and oo ak
The legs might not be working, but nothing wrong with the voice, which reaches out far and wide, loud and clear. We hear you.
We're rooting for you.
I appreciate your honesty, Sparking. It's the hardest thing to lay yourself bare like that and admit your personal struggles.

It sounds like you have overcome so much already. You will overcome this, too. Yes, it stinks, and yes, it's majorly unfair.

Was there a recent trauma or situation which may have caused your previous symptoms to resurface? Whatever the cause, I hope it goes away pronto. You deserve to be happy and healthy.

Much love and healing wishes to you.
Sparking, hey. I'm not showing pity but I am crying a wee lil bit. I hit the Junie B. Jones line and I just lost it. (I know that sounds odd but it just brought you right in to my home - she's a fav here)

I have always been a "mind over matter" girl and did experiments in my youth where I could warm my hands up even in the cold... so, yeah... I'm with you on the brain techniques and NMT. If anyone can do it (and plenty have)... you can, Sparking.
I am pulling for you Spark. Separating you body from your mind is difficult but can be done.
I do expect we are all here for you in so many ways. Reaching out is best. So is writing. Yours shines like the sun.
I'm not sure what to say but that I hope you heal whole. I will pray for that and for you and your daughter.
No pity, just admiration for a brave soul. What you endured should never happen. Animals, that is what those people are. I hate the thought of you hurting. I do hope this is temporary and I know your daughter understands. You are one of the people I look up to here, I hope you know that.
Oh, my God come over here and let me smother you with hugs. This was painful to read; you are a brave warrior. We will meet in Seattle at Waterfall Gardens someday soon and I will listen to your story as we sip coffee and watch the water roar...Peace is my only wish for you.
Oh my dear!

You said so much here. True that, about admission and acceptance of vulnerability, and crying, as acts of great courage. Thing is, you do that, and the people you need step in and lift you up.

The container, the body, is a frail circus. We get to forget that most of the time.

And sometimes, it just does all suck, as you said. There's not much to say except that. It sucks.

Thinking of you today.
Sparking. Pain sucks. I think that says it all. Sending you healing love and energy.
Everyone else has said such wonderful words.Know that there is one more person out here thinking of you. Thank goodness for the writing, huh?
I think I've said it more than once . . . I have enormous admiration for you as a person, and as a writer. I have learned from everything you've shared here at OS. So when I say that I'm mentally stomping around all pissed on your behalf because this really does fucking suck, I think you'll understand that it's my way of saying you are loved. Sending my best healing thoughts/prayers and a big ol' hug. And tea.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. The mind-body connection is such a strong one and it seems like you are deeply in touch with your grief and its effects. I am happy you are writing--that is a great way to keep getting things out. I am thinking of you and sending you many hugs.
You know I'm not given to sympathetic gushes, and there won't be any now. What it is is what it is and nothing else besides. However, you deserve to know how your forthrightness has affected me today, so this is a thank you note.

As I read your essay, I reflected on how many of the people who post here are bent, folded, spindled and mutilated, a phrase that sometimes has to be explained to the younger generations, but I won't do that here.

As we get older, we each of us have to fight the same kind of battle against encroaching disability. For hale and hearty 90 year old, there are hundreds of others struggling through one ache or pain or another. You, however, seem to be getting them all at once.

It's not fair. It really isn't fair, but fairness is an illusion that we were brought up with by well meaning but deluded adults who, in their turn, were brought up to believe in fairness, when the proper thing to teach children isn't the abstraction of fairness, but the concreteness of kindness.

Commiseration's fine, if you have the time for such things, but I am rushed by circumstances and situations beyond my control and, even as fast as I type, I can’t type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts, or take care of everything that needs to be done.

So, here it is in a nutshell: anyone feeling sorry for himself or herself, as I was briefly doing, would be well advised to read this post and reflect on the disparity between the weights we bear and the ones you carry, and just shut up about our petty little complaints, so – when I was all out of sorts about the mysterious disappearance of almost all of my regular readers, and contuming (don’t bother, I made it up; you’ll get the context from the reading) constantly about my lack of readership to anyone who would listen (which consists of She Who Must Be and no one else) – I tuned in here and found every single one of my regular readers here consoling you instead of reading me, which I consider a far better use of time than reading self-absorbed poetry.

(For those of you who wonder at my methods, or my apparent self-centeredness, it’s called distraction, and it really works. Note to Barrak: every moment is a teaching moment.)

But it just now finally struck me that what struck me about this piece was the title, because I am now embroiled in a losing struggle against my mother losing her legs, quite permanently, as her diabetes progresses.

We all have an array of crosses to carry, but only if we choose to carry them. You, however, have been forced to carry crosses not of your own choosing. IF we could each take a turn carrying them for you, and then took turns carrying them for each other, what a different place this would be.

By sharing your struggle with us, you allow to help you carry your crosses, thus lightening the load you carry, even if it’s only for a moment, but it is what it is and nothing else besides.
Sparking, this is rough indeed. I know, dear one, I know...I also know that only time and work will bring're doing it...and you will get to you and your family...xox
forgot to rate, again.
Sorry you're feeling physically and emotionally paralyzed. I wish you movement:)
This sucks. But the fact that you are writing about it is incredible and I imagine that will help you thru this, even if it is with gritted teeth. You are a survivor. You know that. And your body is telling you the only way it can about what you have survived. I've always hated that process but have always been humbled by its' helpfulness. I'm with you here. ((hugs))
I am struck by the huge out-pouring of love. I sent a notice about this post to a few as I was concerned it might come across as "poor me" and I knew there are people here who would be honest with me about that. I don't want that. I just want to be honest and help understanding and...receive support. I need support, too. Hard for me to type as I'm the one who likes to give it. Thank you have taught me so much by your kind words. I feel touched this morning and can 'swing' through my day with you all in my heart.

Boomer - not a dumb question at all. I think we may have to go that route this time. Before, it just wasn't possible with the blindness and seizures on top of everything. I didn't leave the house except for the doctor. But, this time, I have more faculties, I just need to adapt. Great suggestion and I thank you. It's helping me get my head around it with a new frame of mind.

ONL - Thank you for reminding me to take the gift of receiving and do something with it. Accept it. Hold it. Know it is a gift and not to take that lightly. I will hold that notion close to my heart. Thank you!

Eden - You know you are a dear and I am so thankful to have met you in person. You shimmer.

Rooster - "The Body Never Lies" is like a bible for so many people - I just suggested that book to a friend who is beginning the process (It's Alice Miller, just so you know). Thank you for the second recommendation...that's one I've missed. I've read so much but it is always great to pick up reading again when something like this comes my ways, seemingly 'out of the blue.' Also, nice2meetu.

Henry - nice2meetu. Thank you - so kind.

Harry - a veteran energy healer? Awesome! I love energy work and do it on my daughter when I have the energy. 3 years of it by an amazing practitioner has been the hugest gift. He taught me much of what he knows. Thanks for the author recommendation and the note of encouragement on my writing. It is just hard to know how things come across when you are living it.

Shiral - oh thank you. Thank you.

Rita - I am feeling the love this morning. Greatly. I appreciate your sentiments and hearing this type of writing will be supported. It's good to know.

Fay - you are so kind. I am a big listener, too. I feel the heart you have and am so grateful you found me so I could find you. LOVE!

Thabo - I know exactly what you mean - sometimes I need to hear perspective, too, to remind me of my own gratitude. Every time I slip into 'poor me' for too long, I have a therapist who will whip out the whoop ass to give me some food for thought. The women in Darfur is often a good least I have a running start on healing.

Sheepdog - Oh thank you. Dearly.

Sophie - Yes! I do see myself coming out of it. I have to. If I don't, why would I come out of it? You know? The mind is so powerful! I appreciate your words of encouragement - greatly.
I am saddened by the physical and emotional pain you are suffering. Trust your daughter to know that your heart is with her wherever she is and that you share her joys and sorrows no matter the distance in miles. Healing thoughts are being send your way.
This flat out sucks, and I'm sorry to hear you're going through it. Here's hoping you move through it as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Thanks for your honesty to us and to yourself. You're truth has fallen on many understanding ears here. Sending all the best along with healing thoughts.
You frame your struggles within the context of fighting back and your dedication to your husband and daughter. That is the chief reason, among many others, that I find your posts so appealing. Good luck!

Wait, wrong script!! Sorry! :)

**huge hug**

What a hard road you paint. My thoughts are with you and I am only sending poitive waves your way. Anything I can do I would for you, just ask. My hope is this phase passes quickly.
Sometimes reality is terribly unfair. Stay strong, and best wishes.
Joan - your comment means so much to me, and your insight is refreshing. "It shines a spotlight on emotional trauma that is stored in our bodies." This is the language I know how to speak in now, too, and have feared letting lose because of the 'science' it lacks. I'm tired of being afraid...I just know what worked for me. I am thankful - for you - for OS - for the ability to speak up and out.

Gabby - Fuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkk indeed. Thanks. Thanks for getting it. Sometimes it just needs to be said. Gutsy. Thanks, again. P.S. I'm a woman. ;)

Pilgrim - thank you for your vote of confidence. Yes, yes I will overcome this, too. It's about acceptance and honesty and continuing to claim healing for myself all at the same time. I don't think crutches will work, I'm too unstable (have passed out once already). But, my husband and I did talk about a wheelchair this morning, which will become necessary to get out of the house.

::ART:: - my brother. I like the idea of a sign, although I think yours takes the cake (sorry Freaky). I am imagining Nova Scotia with you now, all the anti-poison ivy we can handle. Loco coco indeed! As my therapist likes to say often, some are just "coo coo for cocoa puffs." I hope to hop train soon, to come see you, we will lie in the dirt and look up that stars and fly together. I am coming. I am a determined woman...but, you know that already.

Akopsa - ::hug:: received. Thank you.

sixtycandles - Oh so kind you are. Thank you for listening to this voice out here and for sending back the love. I feel it.

Lisa - thanks for reminding me that it is okay to say it's unfair. I hate that cliche, "nothing's fair." Well, then why not? Why are we not trying to make it that way? Sometimes cliches serve to demean the nature of things.

No, the odd thing is nothing I know of 'triggered' this new onset of symptoms nor did I have any new injury. The type of therapy I do provides a lot of answers (EMDR) and it became clear it is just time for me to go in deeper, again. I had a reprieve for some time from the horrendous flashbacks, and now it's time to let some more loose. This process competes with the neurological circuitry of my body, or I guess more succinctly, my control center in the brain by the number of symptoms which develop. I hope that explains. I'm used to it so I don't always explain well. Thank you for your lovely support and for appreciating how much it took to put this 'out' there.

Amanda - very heartening to here. Reading your comment brought you into my living room...imagining the Junie B. Jones in your home with all our different outfits of life we're all living. How beautiful we get to commune here. We're lucky. I appreciate your vote of confidence as well as your kindness.

Mission - ditto my sunshine friend. I've always known we're connected by our physical trials and how we face them. I feel your spirit today more than anything. It's like a breath of sweetness.

Kyle - you are too nice. You sound pretty darn strong yourself! Thank you for all the kind thoughts and sentiments.

Leonde - We feel it. Please add my hubby to your thoughts/'s about to get more draining on him as well.

Scanner! - I don't know how to tell you how your comment held my spirit this morning. Hearing someone call them animals helped me...knowing someone is in my corner and can't stand the thought of this happening to anyone. I feel the same way. No one, but no one, deserves it. I know cruelty comes in many forms and I hold onto hope for the day it can all be abolished. Thank you my friend, my brother. I'm full of relief right now...
That is the best I can do from here to surround you with angels Spark.
You are one too.
The love of all the fellow OSers shines here in the comments.
You are strong dear.
And got plenty of courage to boot.
I wish you the very best...
((Sparking)) that completely blows :(
I hate it when my body betrays me. Sorry yours is acting out your traumas.
Healing thoughts. Please continue to let us share your pain, as we do care for you.
Sending healing thoughts. So sorry you have to deal with this, sparking. It truly sucks. I'm glad you know it's okay be honest on this forum, and that there are supportive people here. I read this was was embarrassed about how much I whined when my car was laid up for three weeks.
Sweet girl! My heart goes out to you so very much!
Hang tough as much as humanly possible. You are loved and prayed for often. xo jc
You'll write and we'll read/listen with an open heart. Say what needs to be said.

May you be well and blessed.
I know you know this, but I'm going to say it anyway, because I always have the hardest time wrapping my mind around it as it pertains to me. By writing this post, you've just disproved your feeling that you're showing weakness. You don't have an ounce of weakness in you, dear friend. You are the epitome of strength. This won't beat you either.
I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and kindness. I simply can't believe it...even though I can. I know...I'm weird.

Caroline - your wish is received. Movement...lots of movement.

mypsyche - "I've always hated that process but have always been humbled by its' helpfulness." I know you understand by these words. It says exactly how I feel. You know when your body is doing the best it can to overcome but it doesn't mean the feelings of frustration and disillusionment don't come. Thank you for coming by...and for getting it.

Janie - Oh, thank you. Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone in this, that there are others out there weighing their way through this collective muck. Namaste. Om Shanti Shanti.

Elisa - I know you would dear. Your heart is so BIG. ::hugs::

Donna - sage advice from one mother to another. I appreciate that reminder - they're little spirits do shine so bright and I have to remember who I have raised...a little light warrior.

Nana - I have missed you! I'm selfishly so glad you are home. Thank you for your well wishes.

Scarlett - that is so sweet and so kind. Just heartfelt. Thank you.

Daniel - thank you my friend. I know your honesty as well and thank you for framing it in a way that I can understand how I come makes me less fearful in braving these writing waters again.

Tink - I'll take that hug and raise you a big giant smacker on the cheek! Now I've got "I will survive" running through my head! Damn! ;)

Lunchlady - those waves are so helpful. They are lifting me up and I am grateful - there is nothing more that I could ask. Plus, you are doing some self-care, too, I know. Listening to each other is so very helpful. Please keep me updated on how you're doing if you do take a break from OS.

Procopius - Indeed. Thank you.
Been trying to comment here all day, Sparking, but every time I hit "post" something happens. Our satellite server is suffering from "stormitis," as the clouds interfere with the signals, so it's been intermittent over the past several days. But enuf about me.

I feel so bad for you. I wish there were something I could do besides sending psychic flowers and positive energy through the airwaves. I hope they fare better than the satellite signals!

But know Clark and I, as are your many other friends on OS are thinking kindly of you and wishing you the best. Remember Mick Jagger's words, "We all need someone we can lean on...and if you want it, you can lean on me." rated for good luck
I hurt for you and I am sorry. I hope you get some mental relief from you time here.
damn girl, sometimes when I read you I feel like we must have been separated at birth - except I think I would be the darker and more bitter twin.
I'm sorry your body is being stubborn these days. I hope our words of concern and encouragement help some. I'm sure they do. I think if we could gather together and give your legs a stern talking-to, they might regret their currrent attitude! I guess you'll just have to read these comments to them. ;) Sending you the very best wishes, good thoughts, prayers, chants (whatever works)...
I am so sorry you are going through this now. The feeling that you're missing something when you can't do things with your little girl must be terrible. They are only little for such a short time. Your first foray into diary-style was very well done - strong and with some phrases that really stick. I loved "curled my spirit up next to my soul." That's just plain brilliant. Hope that getting it out helps. We are all here for you.
Keep an eye on the horizon. Although you may not see wholeness approaching yet, a new life approaches and will rise, like the sun - to illumine a new day for you, and your loving family.
Mission - your love is felt and the angels are here. I may have to go through a rough patch, but I won't be doing it alone, that's for sure. I feel all of this.

Steve - thank you.

Julie! - Ah, that is so kind.

Kim - I understand, I really do. Body betrayl is up there with failing memory.

Lea - I'm beginning to see that and bring it into my being. There is something about a shared makes it lighter.

mginmn - it does feel good to be this honest; it is absolutely a relief and a lot less lonely. Thank you for being a part of that.

Cathy - I 'just' feel it...thank you!

Lisa - what can I say. I know.

v.seijo - oh that is so nice of you. I feel that open heart in your writing and your comments. Thank you.

UB - "You are the epitome of strength. This won't beat you either." Coming from you, that is a huge form of flattery. And, no I won't. I just had the 'mommy's not dying' discussion with my daughter and we are hanging tough. We've been through it before, we'll make it again. This time, I know we have more support and a heck of a lot more understanding. I hope a little of my writing moves understanding for trauma forward.

Matt - I love psychic flowers! Love them...I have a vision of that right now. It's funny, because I tell my daughter that every time she does her feelings work, she adds a flower to the field of consciousness and she imagines it in her mind. I am so lucky to have friends like you.

scupper - I do get a lot from my time, knowledge, love, hope, transcendence. Your work is inspiring to me. Thank you for the sweet gesture.

lorelei - I understand that feeling. Don't worry about being bitter, ever. Everything has a time and a place. Everything. I've been bitter, I just didn't stay there. But, if I didn't pass through it, I wouldn't be human. And, once in awhile, I still make the rounds, but a lot less now. I truly appreciate your sentiment and for coming by.

Bell - why do I picture you do just that? You made me laugh and I so appreciate it. I can see you giving them the talking to of their collective lives! I wonder what they might say back? And, yes, your words are engrossing and kind. Truly.

Blue TX - Oh, I am glad some things came through clearly and you enjoyed it - in the way you enjoy something that's a bit of a downer. How do you say that exactly? Yes, it is all helping. I

Monsieur Chariot - that was like pure poetry and I will take that in to my soul and covet it with all its powerful imagery and sentiment. Best to you.
Oh darling, I wish I was closer.

I know you well enough to know your strength will get you through this, but what you have to deal with just sucks. If there's anything - anything at all - that i can do for you, please let me know.

Thinking of you with love.
I like that you said this and I like the way you said it. I will check out the site you mentioned. Absolutely Rated!
I don't believe it would be possible to be more open than you have been. Some struggle to survive. You know the greater challenge is to prevail.
You will.
Sparky, every time you write something, whether it be a mere comment or a stand alone post, I'm amazed at the clarity and vision you have. Although, I really shouldn't be anymore. This totally blows. You've had enough pain - and that pains me. It is not fucking okay. Not at all. But, something tells me you'll kick the shit out of this too.
I'm so sorry for your setback, but inspired by your grit, and anger, and preserverence. I know writing helps, so let it all hang out; we're here for you.
I see I skipped a section of comments yesterday, I am sorry about that.

Spud - what I said in a PM to you. I look forward to our visit - hopefully sooner rather than later. And, I'll look forward to that hug.

Greenheron - "The container, the body, is a frail circus" - wow, you captured my imagination with that sentence. Such a wonderful description of our bodies. Thank you.

fingerlakeswanderer - I know you understand my friend.

Susan - oh sweetie, thank you, thank you.

Bonnie - from one toughie to another, your suggestions are heart felt. "Brave post, brave woman. Legs a little tired." I love how you are always succinct and straight-forward. True, true. And, the suggestion of music is a beautiful one.
As I read this, I kept thinking to myself "I wish I lived next door..." I don't know what I would do as I certainly can't make your pain disappear. But I could knock on your door and figure it out. You provide so much strength and wisdom to others, all I can do for you is send a little bit of light up into the sky and hope it finds it's way to you.
I see I skipped a section of comments yesterday, I am sorry about that - Part II.

sweetfeet - thank you - the writing is a godsend.

Owl! - I feel your mental stomping and I have to humbly say - thank you, thank you. I can't wait for our cup of tea one day.

Karin - I appreciate the sentiment greatly. I feel encouraged that this piece was received warmly and I thank you for your words.

Sage - "IF we could each take a turn carrying them for you, and then took turns carrying them for each other, what a different place this would be." I just LOVED this. Thank you for your wise words and your kindness. I agree, suiting up and showing up for each other, and allowing others to show up for you is indeed a miraculous ideal. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts.


LuluandPhoebe - Awww....thanks little rascals and your owner for sending me this kind sentiment! Words are power, I am finding that, and I am realizing people give you a wide berth for improvement when you are bumping along the best you can. I sincerely appreciate the support.

Natalie - It is my sincere hope I get to meet you one day. When you send out vibes of support, boy does it come through! You are a bright light and it makes me so very grateful to the platform OS provides so I can meet wonderful people like you.

Mimetalker - Thank you!

alsoknownas - Wow...I am sincerely humbled.

Julie - I love meeting a friend who knows how to swear well, too. Your vote of confidence is felt and greatly appreciated. Yes - with support like this, kicking the shit out of this phase will be a 'no thing' by the time I'm done with it! Rrrrruffff! carried away.

M.McKenzie - "let it all hang out" --- what a very great way of putting it. I am thankful there are others who are brave enough to read some of these trials, I know it isn't always the lightest material. I appreciate you being one of those supporters. ::best::

mamoore - every time I reply to you or write a comment on your blog I get so choked up. Seriously. I have to bring a kleenex to your living room and when I read a comment from you as well. I just know you get it, and to have someone be so encouraging and in my corner is a great asset. Much, much, much love to you and yours.
You're right Sparking what happened to you wasn't fucking right. Just know I'm in your corner. And I just want to say that I'm so glad you're saying this. Much love to you, Sparking.
'Brave post, brave woman. Legs a little tired.' Perfect words, Bonnie.

Sparking, I too live in a mecca of alternative healing -- yours is on the most northwest corner of the U.S., mine is on the most northeast. Have you heard of or considered EMDR therapy?

Much love to you across all the miles
Sparking, I don't think it's nuts at all talking to your body. For as much misery as this is causing you, your attunement to your physical being is amazing and simply must be therapeutic.

My heart (which has a life of its own, I swear) often talks to me. When its acting crazy and irregular, it generally wants me to scream or cry or calm down or breathe or sing or enjoy my life today without worrying and always grieving. It really retains so much of my pain, cliche as it may sound (being my heart and all.)

Thank you for this. And my blessings to you. Stay tuned in - I know there are answers there.
Jill - thank you.

Carole - Yes, I do EMDR work! I can't say enough about it - been at it for over 3 years. It's actually part of why the trauma is releasing and I am healing at the rate I am. Love received and appreciated - fully.

Beth - So wonderful to know there is someone else who 'tunes in' to their body (amongst other things) to hear what it wants and needs.

Your words of friendship, support and understanding are greatly appreciated - a true soul sister.
Your spirit astonishes me. I don't have words for what you have been through and are cleansing out now except that you are my shero -- the most courageous woman I know. And your fingers write so well. And I love you.
Part two makes more sense to me now. In spite of your pain and suffering, your spirit shines so brightly. You keep holding on to that strength that keeps you fighting right back!
If it gives you any peace, I too went through a similar period of physical distress. No one really explained to me what was happening or why. It was 1997-2000 and I would have days when I'd be just walking along and then bam. Flat on my face, my legs just stopped. In my head, I was still walking . . . but they had other plans.
Hands and feet would go numb some days, blurry vision, reflux, and gall-bladder attacks. Fun stuff. They tested me for MS but although I had some spots on my spine, not enough to diagnose me. Now as I read your post - and hind-sight being 20/20, I realize it was just the stress of past hurts and present pain.
Started writing a column in 2000 and it proved to be the therapy I needed. May you find with each word you write, the stress and trauma slowly eeking its way out of your system.
PS - when or if I sense any return of any symptoms, I pray, meditate and take some time out to 'let it go' . . . and, yes, I write.
For the most selfish reasons I'm glad you write. I do believe you about the NMT, I'm going to go read it and get the details. I've been following my instincts and doing self healing in an odd way for a few years. The only thing I haven't been able to correct is the electrical part of my heart, muscle and soft tissue are much simpler. Perhaps you've provided me with an answer I wouldn't have expected. As far as alternative medicine I've been offered two alternatives, pills or cardiac ablation. Both by traditional Cardiologists. You're wise to seek what works.

My heart goes out to you for the illnesses, this month I feel like I have pneumonia while I'm breathing fine. You and your family are in my thoughts.
disability in all forms is horrible and you have a right to be mad. I am an incest survivor who then became anorexic for 20 years and am just come out of that. I've been raped and sexually assaulted numerous times. We live in a tough world. But I'm a Bhuddist, meditate a lot, go to alanon, and cry whenever I want. Screw that "tough" crap. It's tough to cry actually and admit your humanity. I wouldn't mind if you checked out some of my pieces which are on opensalon at aliciasaxearts or aliciasaxe. Thanks so much. Great writing!
disability in all forms is horrible and you have a right to be mad. I am an incest survivor who then became anorexic for 20 years and am just come out of that. I've been raped and sexually assaulted numerous times. We live in a tough world. But I'm a Bhuddist, meditate a lot, go to alanon, and cry whenever I want. Screw that "tough" crap. It's tough to cry actually and admit your humanity. I wouldn't mind if you checked out some of my pieces which are on opensalon at aliciasaxearts or aliciasaxe. Thanks so much. Great writing!