Sparking My Own Evolution

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The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... *************************************** -Jack Kerouac ***************************************


JANUARY 19, 2010 3:43AM

What if There is Nothing to Forgive?

Rate: 64 Flag


The question I am asked often is how my son was murdered.  I used to think this was out of morbid curiosity and I resented it.  Then, I believed people were curious and wanted to relate to me on an emotional level and I still resented it.  Finally, I threw motive seeking out the window, and decided on this:  it doesn't really matter why they are asking and I don't resent it in the least.

What is important about this isn't why I got to this place, but when.  It came on the heels of years of battling an anger within me which permeated everything I touched.   Initially, I was angry at my daughter for having a better life than I did, I was angry at my friends for not understanding all I had lived through, I was angry I hadn't received justice (which I still wrestle with from time to time to be completely honest), and I was angry for everything I was robbed of.  Needless to say, I was angry.

Now, the symptoms of this anger weren’t easily distinguishable.  It came out in subtle behavior so it took time to ferret out the roots.  Once I recognized how much harm I was causing others in my life, I began to look that anger square in the eye and we had a showdown.  What was interesting was I was suddenly very afraid to be angry.  For someone who had spent so many years letting anger and its bitter cousins leak out sideways at everyone, the irony was not lost on me that raging at the source of my anger was hard.  Very hard.

This took time.  It came in waves.  I had to physically release it from my system at times as well.  Yes, I hit pillows, punched a wall once (which I do not recommend), shouted primal screams, chewed on washcloths, ran, walked, walked some more, ripped things up, and gave up caring what I looked like in an effort for the rage to escape my body.  It did.   

When this happened, my thoughts turned back to the idea of forgiveness. Having a spiritual nature, I had set aside any lofty goals I had about forgiving anyone for their role in my son's murder.  It seemed too heavy to wrestle with in the beginning; I surrendered to the emotional process instead.  I had previously read many philosophical and religious principles on the idea of forgiveness, and the one which I previously related with the most closely was Emmet Fox's idea that forgiveness was nothing more than a decision which time would take care of.  

The freedom of that decision was all it took for me to surrender to the process of healing.  I had no idea what it meant.  Truthfully, I didn't know if I believed it.  What I found by the end was something all together different - the decision simply afforded me the first step.


I have said previously that if there is anything to forgive, that piece of soul business is between Jessie and his murderers.  I say this as he is his own being and what he decides in regards to what happened to him is between him and them.  For me, my job was ultimately to grieve the loss of my son.  Once the anger was cleared, the grief came, and I continued to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually embrace the experience of losing a child.  I did not hide from any of it.  

Having now gone through this experience, I now see my life and my role in it as quite different.  Previously, I had been walking around on this planet unconscious and angry at everything.  With Jessie's inspiration, I learned to have compassion for myself for hating the most elementary of things.  I dug deep into the polarities of emotion and brought them into the center of my soul; the place where they are transformed into the undivided light of ineffable love. I came to realize my function as a human being was for my soul to search out emotional experience and bring it into the fold of loving myself.


When I encounter a pocket of deep emotion around his death, and other challenging matters, I occasionally get derailed.  I will have thoughts of revenge and judgment and other things.  I will start to judge the thoughts! However, after several years of study and hundreds of hours of practice, I know this is the way to a level of consciousness which is so healing, every time I come through it, I just laugh and remember I didn't really get sidetracked, I was just going in deeper.  There seems to be many levels of nuance and context to emotion.

For me, there is nothing on this planet that requires forgiveness.  I would have to judge the experience as wrong first.  I now truly believe processing all my emotions for every experience which comes my way and reflecting back the undivided light of love from my soul's center is the highest human path.

Losing my son sent me on a journey to finding the art of life; he brought me into the fold of my own divinity which we both cherish immensely. 


Image:  Google Images.


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So glad to be the first. I have a lost son also, but he is still living. I know it's the better of the two but the grief is just as real. You shocked me into considering 'murder' of a son and I can't imagine anything worse. Truly. I was glad to read the last sentence and hope it's true, on a good day anyway.
Beautifully expressed, Sparking. xox
Sparking, my friend, losing a child has to be like losing your soul. I cannot say what I would do, because it hasn't happened to me. But the class and humanity you show everyday in your writings is amazing. I read no hate, or condemnation of others. Only a good person trying to get better day by day. You are an inspiration to me and all who come in contact with you. You make this world a better place.
Sparking, after reading this astonishing piece, I feel deep admiration and regret that I do not know you personally. I believe you must make a difference in each life you touch. Joan
I think you and I share many perspectives.

You write, “I didn't really get sidetracked, I was just going in deeper.”

This is something I always try to see in every experience. It’s not always easy, but does help.

You write, “there is nothing on this planet that requires forgiveness. I’ve pondered the concept of “forgiveness” before. I’m not sure many people give the meaning much thought; the word gets thrown around a lot, but what is forgiveness, exactly. I’m not sure it exists in reality.

Anyway, nice post about your deeply personal experience. You’ve obviously struggle with it. The anger you describe sounds like it was quite destructive. I believe anger is as good an emotion as any other, but it can’t be allowed to poison our perspectives on an ongoing basis as you experienced. It’s good to know you found your way.

"I didn't really get sidetracked, I was just going in deeper"

Sparking... I'm taking this thought with me today. I need it.
Fascinating internal journey, Sparking. It's taken me the better part of my life to reach the understanding that a rational decision to do or not to do something is the necessary first step - in anything. I'm an emotional person, and have always let my emotions guide my actions, which often led to confusion, heartbreak, bitterness, regret and a few other negative emotions I can't think of right now, and don't want to.

But when I learned that just thinking certain words, such as "forgiveness" and "gratitude," could trigger a mind's path toward inner peace. These conscious decisions, altho not always, or often, heartfelt don't immediately stem the negative emotional flow as intended, but I've learned to trust them to the extent that they can keep my mind on top of a situation, if only as a hopeful observer, while the emotion gradually diminishes and eventually crawls back into its cave.

It's good to find someone else who has found this path to peace, as well.
"every time I come through it, I just laugh and remember I didn't really get sidetracked, I was just going in deeper. There seems to be many levels of nuance and context to emotion."

I am a New Thought minister and we use Emmet Fox's writing in our classes. So many have found his writings to be helpful. I don't think there is anything to forgive, unless I get stuck in anger. Then I figure out where I got stuck and I forgive myself and everyone involved. I think it has something to do with all those levels of emotion and realization.

This is a deeply valuable writing.
"I dug deep into the polarities of emotion and brought them into the center of my soul; the place where they are transformed into the undivided light of ineffable love. I came to realize my function as a human being was for my soul to search out emotional experience and bring it into the fold of loving myself."

that is so beautiful on so many levels~ thank you for writing this, I think everyone who reads is will walk away a bit better than before
All of us seem to be coming away with something here... isn't that wonderful? I like this one: There seems to be many levels of nuance and context to emotion.

That is what I keep learning and accepting, too.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this piece. It is deeply meaningful on many many levels.

With love to you.
I just wanted to let you know that I was here. xo
Every morning I wake up, do the bathroom thing, pour my first cup of coffee, read my email--and come to OS. I always find a piece here that gives me something to think about all day. This is that piece, S--thank you. Thank you for giving me something bright and deep and pure to gather my thoughts around today. Thank you for giving all of us who read here a deep and probing and love-filled piece of yourself. It couldn't have been easy to write this--as it couldn't have been easy to live through it, to experience the highs and lows that brought you to this place. I look forward to reading more of your journey. Rated. D
The murder of a child is an incomprehensible loss and I find myself afraid to say something too shallow compared to the depth of your emotions. I will say that I am incredibly impressed with your ability to move through all of these devastating emotions with such clarity; I know it's taken a very long time. I'm honored to be getting to know you. Hugs.
Reminds me of the Wheel of Fortune card in tarot, we go through all the phases of the tarot experiencing change all along the way until we've completed a revolution and then do it again -- only the next time around we've got that much more experience. Each time we go around we see things from a slightly (or sometimes hugely) different perspective.

You write about it so clearly and with such feeling. Thank you.
We often at times forget people's pain when we focus too much on how we have suffered. I was deeply moved and touched by this posting. Thank you for letting us in; and showing us how you find that piece of solitude in times of weakness.
RATED for beautifully said.
This piece meant a lot to me as i am desperate to see a light at the end of the this merciless seeming tunnel ... Thank you and please keep writing.
The emotional work you have done to get to this place that you are must have been incredibly difficult. I admire you greatly for not giving up or self-medicating or using other ways of dealing with immense sorrow and grief. R
So often we have to experience an overwhelming tragedy to seek that “art of life.” My experience has taught me how much fear underlies my anger. The anger I refer to is the kind that festers and thrives for months and months and years and years. It begins to take on a life of its own. And my thinking erodes, and I spiral into thinking about my thinking, and the anger spreads. I am not talking about angry moments when something goes wrong – that’s a totally different phenomenon. I mean that anger that pervades all.

For me, the antidote was spiritual. It involved prayer and meditation, and as Susanne Freeborn commented, some attention to the work of Emmet Fox. I agree that it is not ours to forgive the transgressions of others. I cannot even try to imagine your coming to grips with Jessie’s murder. I can imagine the freedom and peace that comes from acceptance, letting go, and moving on the path of life. I wish you continuing peace.
I have no words that adequately convey what I’m feeling after reading your post. I will only say it takes extraordinary grace to compose a piece like this and much, much, more to live your life in such a manner after such a terrible tragedy to be able to write with such moving clarity and insight. My heart goes out to you.

Rated and appreciated.
I love what you said about forgiveness.
Hey Sparking!
I thought this was an interesting post. The idea that there is perhaps nothing to forgive is one I'll think on. I'm one of those people who believes that most things in life can be forgiven and then there are just a few that can't be. And I think that the trick with those few things is not to seek revenge or act in the ways that the transgressor has but rather work to change the conditions around us that these transgressions arise out of. I'm thinking of my father who died from fibrosis that grew in his lungs due to a medication that was administered to him. This medication has a reputation of causing this in a lot of people and it's still on the market and being used. There are several class action suits as a result. Initially I wanted the doctor, the hospital, the pharmaceutical company sued, but they're prepared to deal with these law suits and are able to continue to do what they do despite law suits. So I figured suing doesn't accomplish anything in terms of putting a stop to the unnecessary suffering that continues. So it has made me more resolute to work toward changing the conditions in our world. I don't even spend time ruminating about the doctor or the hospital or even the pharmaceutical company-it is after all the conditions that have allowed for this. But that's not to say that I'm not still angry or sad about it...I am...which I think is natural. Anyway sorry because here I am again Sparking...going long again in my comments on your post. This is a lot to chew on. Thanks for posting this. Have a great day and am so glad you have found yourself in a different place with all this. Much love to you.
Thanks for sharing this deeply personal piece. (Rated)

"For me, there is nothing on this planet that requires forgiveness. I would have to judge the experience as wrong first and I now truly, although not yet thoroughly, believe processing all my emotions for every experience which comes my way and reflecting back the undivided light of love from my soul's center is the highest human path."

That will serve as an inspiration and a reminder of the importance (and gift) of processing all of my emotions.
Sparking, I just recently went thru something similar and I thought I'd be in anger for years because I thought I had to forgive this person, then one day I realized it wasn't mine to forgive and a quiet peace settled over me.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
raw, deep , real and inspirational!Good for you!
Powerful sharing ; deeply moved by this piece.
"For me, there is nothing on this planet that requires forgiveness. I would have to judge the experience as wrong first . . ."

I'm working through this idea - I think it has merit. I appreciate this piece on so many levels, not the least of which is the dedication you have for digging in, and living, and learning . . . thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us.
What a wonderful way to wake up. I was scared to post this. Spiritual writing is difficult to convey, yet somehow it worked. I am so grateful right now.

Gabby Abby - Isn't it all relative? That is the thing, how can I judge my experience as better or worse? These assumptions do nothing to breed compassion for one another. I will assume your pain is heartbreaking and I am sending deep amounts of love to you for what you are walking through. I hope you can bring compassion to those emotions within. Although hard, I believe they are the soul's gift. I treasure your comment.

Robin - thank you.

Scanner - you are a dear friend - something I find a beautiful gift of OS. How do I know this? Because I can ::feel:: it. We have never met. I don't know many details of your life, yet, I can ::feel:: you. Losing a child is unearthing; I can not sugar coat that. However, doing all the emotional work to date, I have found a path much broader and wider than what I was traveling before. My son gave me that gift. I also found he was not lost to me - he never truly died. Once I went through the emotions I learned that.

I see the trinity as body/soul/spirit. Body is our form, soul is our memory, and spirit is our essence. I did feel at times my spirit had been crushed. However, the process and time took care of this.

Joan H. - I understand what you mean, but I feel the same way. What a wonderful gift we have here (OS) to know each other. Your soul is very sparkly by the way. ;)

Rick - What a compliment. I am glad to not be debating religion! ;0
Yes, it does help, doesn't it? Without fail, when I go in, I get these "sideways" thoughts, begin judging them, and get a little wonky if you will. Then, somewhere in the process, I again, remember. Luckily, practice makes for good discipline and I eventually come through. Isn't it wonderful? It is so much easier to laugh at ourselves than to continue in judgment.

I think forgiveness is a deeply important topic. If we throw away the intellectual challenge of it, allow ourselves to not judge the thoughts or feelings which arise and process those, we will be focusing on what we can do, the job within. As we can never truly change others, we will then be doing the most powerful thing possible, eminating love into the vibrations of hate, despair, anger, frustration and the ideas of murder, genocide, famine, and abuse. I believe this is the most powerful work on the planet. A worthy considering.

C.K. - Oh, I am so happy my friend. Lovely. I hope you find some riches.

ClarkK - Another peaceful warrior. Love to you.

Susanne - Is Susanne O.K.? Oh yes, isn't Emmet wonderful? I find him valuable because he addresses many common concepts and brings them into the lens of consciousness. There are many who have inspired me, but I really do love his work. What a great endeavor to be a New Thought Minister - I love even hearing the sound of that.

You know, a well-received "expert" within the field of chemical dependency, Terry Gorski, refers to the critical time of relapse in an alcoholics life as "stuck points." In the early times of AA, Emmet Fox's works were well studied. I have often wished the idea of emotional inventory was more widely embraced withing the 12-step communities. Sorry if this seemed a digression, but you led me there with your excellent example of getting stuck in anger which you called "stuck points." Thank you for that!

Dear Reader I married him - Thank you!
That forgiveness is a priority for you attests to your strength of character. The lose of a child is unfathomable to me, but I do understand the anger and sense of sinking in deeper you describe. Before my daughter was raped, I prided myself on saying that I never knew real hate. Afterward, hate walked with me every step I took. It was and is a continuing battle not to let it overtake my life. Your post is a manual for moving on. I celebrate your words and offer sincere hope that you find peace. Thank you for sharing with us.
"I didn't really get sidetracked, I was just going in deeper" Right
You describe the difference between punishment and preparation in the most eloquent way.
A lot of work is described here. Congratulations!
Beautiful post. I find it amazing how good can come from evil. I am so sorry for the years of suffering you've been through.
Amazing that you are able to have this much objectivity about your inner feelings.
Life is an amazing journey filled with experiences that sometimes take a whole lifetime to comprehend. Thank you for sharing your journey and your process with us.
If you believe in an omniscient God, then you believe that everything comes from God, and therefore there is nothing to forgive because everything that happens happens by the will of God. If you follow this belief to its logical conclusion, you realize that you cannot petition the Lord with prayer because prayer is an attempt to influence God, to change God's decisions with respect to your life, and since God is omniscient and infallible, a God that changes His/Her/Their mind is no God at all.

If that is not your orientation, and you believe in randomness, which is the only alternative to a belief in an omniscient God, then everything that happens happens by chance and, therefore, there is nothing to forgive because everything that happens happens because of the random behavior of individual humans and forces of nature.

When you get to the end of these meditations, you end up in precisely the same place so that, in the end, it doesn't matter whether you believe in a conscious Supreme Being or not, because you reach the conclusion that there's nothing to forgive and no one to forgive for doing whatever they have done. The good do good because they have no choice but to do good. The evil do evil because they have no choice but to do evil. We do not control our natures, except through long and diligent work; until then, our natures control us.

The Sufis have a simple rule for identifying masters. A master is one who has traveled the path from beginning to end on God's own feet (speaking now of the metaphoric God of spiritual enlightenment) and then retraced the same path on one's own feet, through the dint of one's own efforts. The first time, you are drawn by God to itself; the second time you pull yourself back up there through your own efforts.

We are all going through these oscillations all the time, with every breath we take, belief and disbelief ripping us up and healing us again until you reach that quiet place where emotion loses its grip upon the consciousness and, like a breaching whale, you come up to the surface on another plateau.

It's hurts like hell to get there but, once there, you must enjoy the view.

Truly amazing, much to think about. Thank you.
This was a very moving piece, Sparking. You took us into your personal journey, let us peek at your soul.

That is a very difficult thing to do. Thanks for doing it so well.

I wish there was something I could say that would be wise, or meaningful, but not having walked in your shoes it would simply be presumptuous of me. So I will simply tell you how sincerely sorry I am that you had to walk this path.

What Bill S. just wrote. Words fail me.
Add inspirational to that magical tag... Losing a child would have taken me over the edge, murder is beyond imagination... The complexity of the psyche is amazing, yours blows me away... I stand in awe ! RRRR
What a journey you have been on, Sparking. The depth and breadth of your pain is unimaginable to me, yet you have turned into a level of consciousness that has provided you with such peace and clarity. Like wakingupslowly, I found this sentence particularly striking: There seems to be many levels of nuance and context to emotion. I find such meaning in that. Thank you for sharing your process with us.
1_Irritated_Mother - How kind of you to say so. It's funny when you write something, you shoot for your best, never fully knowing how it will be perceived. Thank you for receiving this so openly.

wakingupslowly - YES! This is indeed wonderful. I was very trepidacious about writing this. First, because it is hard to write in a way which doesn't sound "preachy" - but I have been practicing for some time now. Second, it is also personal, so you have to be open to feedback, even if it may be hard to hear. What a wonderful surprise this has been. Truly.

I am glad to know you also have come to this realization, I find that comforting. Emotions can be buggers, especially when we only want to feel the things we like to feel. I spent a fair amount of time there. Love to you as well - sister human.

fingerlakeswanderer - you are so kind. I always sense this about you. ::hug::

Yarn Over - Your comment was terribly encouraging. I have never overtly written about my spiritual journey, I have hinted at it in creative pieces. I was afraid. Then, I went through the very process I talk about about above and dove in. The words just came.

Fear can be deeply corroding to moving forward. This is such a great example of what can happen when you do. Thank you for helping me to see that! I am glad you found something to carry you through your day. As Joan of Arc said, I am just a messenger.

Outside Myself - The honor is all mine, I assure you. Thank you for your kind compliment, it is helpful to know my words convey clarity. As a writer yourself, I am sure you understand the trepidation between what you think you conveyed and what was received. It is a blessing to have this feedback. Thank you dear friend.

skeletnwmn - Oh my! What a metaphorical beauty you delivered here! I found myself swimming in the imagery. Thank you my friend.

alsoknownas - You are welcome - thank you for reading and commenting.

N. Jordan - "We often at times forget people's pain when we focus too much on how we have suffered." What an interesting point. Looking back, I can attest to this. While I don't think it was my intention to do so, I think my own suffering tried to swallow me whole at times. I had to learn to contain it and not try to spread it around on everyone else or make them understand. Over time, I learned the only person's job to understand my pain was mine. However, I also think there are no "supposed to's" in life, so even the times where I did want others to understand were simply a part of the process, too - one of the nuances of thought and emotion. Thank you for such an interesting insight and I value your contribution. Have a wonderful day.

fernsy - how kind of you. You're welcome and with this response, I definitely will!

rita shibr - thank you for your kind comment. I did not give up, which was a good thing. However, I definitely do not want to mislead you. I am a recovering alcoholic. I came into the rooms of Alanteen at 13, went to treatment at 18, and got sober at 26. My mom went to 8 treatment centers by the time I graduated from high school. It is well established in my bloodline. Due to a traumatic childhood which included being given drugs at an early age, I was a full-blown, traumatized alcoholic by the age of 13. This worked for me for some time. Until it didn't.

Self- medication is a course many humans take, whether it be drugs and alcohol/drugs, sex/porn, gambling, food, judgment, money, over achievement, love, co-dependence, thrill seeking, or any other number of things to achieve false highs in order to avoid feeling the inevitable lows of life. I had my predispositions and preconditioning and fell into my own patterns, until it became too painful and I was faced with death or change. It was a part of the journey too. Loving myself and having compassion for myself through all of that has enabled me to love others for all they do as well.
Dear Sparking,
I believe anger can fuel much needed change but it eventually burns s/he who holds it too long.

You have walked through the darkness and came out with - and in - the light. Thanks for sharing it with us.
You are a very wise and strong woman. You give such a gift to the world by sharing what your difficult journey has helped you to learn.
Surely an EP. You have taken us deep into your heart.
I admire you for coming out of the struggle on the side you did. I have said it before: I don't know how you do it. You're amazing. Or, maybe, you just do what you have to do. I don't know, but it feels amazing to me anyway.
There is so much emotion, depth, struggle and growing. I do not know if I am capable making a comment that would do justice to this story.

Keep practicing the art of living. You have a gift.
Much love to you. This was a beautiful piece.
Thank you Sparking... Peace to your heart

I was thinking about you and going to PM you because it seemed you havn't been around for a few days (I know, yesterday no one was around) but now I know why....This was some unbelievable work you were doing.
Outside Myself said:

"I am incredibly impressed with your ability to move through all of these devastating emotions with such clarity"
That's what amazes me about you too. And with the amount of love you have in your heart, it's so obvious to see the tremendous amount of work it must have taken you to get to this point.
Peace & Love
This is so beautiful and touching and deeply truthful. I love and admire your last sentence.
Foregiveness is a strange business ... I am grappling with it on another front.

I think in the end we forgive for ourselves, not for the offending person ... and we forgive to try to heal ourselves of the cost of the anger.

It's so much easier to forgive if the person shows the least hint of regret ... but most don't.

The hardest things to forgive are the ones where not only is there no contrition, but the victim is blamed for being the "cause" and then further victimized ... a rape victim being blamed for being a "slut" etc.

As for "nothing to forgive," and the idea that the only party involved in that is Jessie ... sorry, but that's nuts. It may have helped you move on, in which case it might be USEFULLY NUTTY ... but it's still nuts. The idea that somebody killed your child and there is "no act which has hurt you terribly" ... is absurd.

Forgiveness isn't easy ... but mostly we try to do it to regain our own sanity. In my case I haven't gotten there either, and I'm unapologetic about it. But the idea of "nothing to forgive" ... isn't one I can buy into.
I dont know how to comment to this without sounding trite, or without going on for pages and pages.
There is a wisdom here worth spending hours and hours on Sparky. Thanks for sharing it and hitting that spot that makes us think/feel/sense and just be. Beautiful.
ps - you sound like one of my favorite "spiritual" authors, Anthony DeMello. Are you familiar with any of his writings?
grif - I can relate to what you are saying greatly. Yes, this is the anger I was speaking to as well, the all encompassing, sinking anger. Underneath it was indeed fear - fear of feeling it as well as getting to the truth of its source and what that process would entail. It held me back for a long time. Thank you for your well wishes.

Dennis - thank you my friend. There has been much grace in my life which interceded at times when I could not see my own way. Once clarity came into focus, I feel it is only reasonable to give grace a little something back.

geezerchick - thank you! Nice2MeetU.

Jill - what a thoughtful comment you have left - thank you for sharing your experience. I, too, believe in working for ways to bring truth to light to change conditions for the best where I am able. I do this where I feel inspired to do so as well, and when I am able. As in your example, I would likely do something similar. What I would also do, which is what I consider the most important thing I can do, is go deeply into the feeling of anger and sadness regarding this situation. I would invite love and light to meet these feelings within during meditation. After some time, I would then simply ask for them to be moved into my soul for my emotional experience (memory). It is from this place, the soul, where I can emanate the man/God (Christ) consciousness of undivided light, which is love, to that vibration of feeling. So, even if I take no physical action towards helping in a particular situation, I am sending love out into the field of consciousness. If I do become inspired to participate, my actions will be guided from love, not judgment.

There is nothing perfect about this for me, it is simply what I have garnered from many religions, sages, disciplines, therapies, philosophies and wise people. It has seen me through a vast amount of pain. From this paradigm, the "good vs bad" worldview disappeared and I see humans with all their frailties trying to awaken to the idea they are exploring Gods capable of vast potential. When more of humanity remembers this, we can again achieve much, I believe. However, it always starts with us first. In terms of forgiveness, I can't come from a place of love and judge too. Forgiveness requires judgment. In most cases, I attempt to not judge in the first place, but I am not always successful. Then I get to just keep grinding on it. ;)

susanlivingkinky - thank you for your brave comment. Yes, doing a post like this does require courage, and I honor the bravery in your comment. We share a lot in common. It would indeed be challenging to be in a position where abusers were then asking for your help. While I can't imagine this specific situation, I have been in a relatively similar circumstance. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Thank you dear friend for your deep insight here.

Dave - how kind of you to say.

Cat - Indeed my friend, indeed.

Patie - Wow! And, Yes! I understand this quiet peace you speak of -- thank you for sharing.

Anne - so kind of you - thank you.

Dr. Spudman 44 - What a truly kind compliment. Thank you.

Owl! - I am flattered you are willing to review this in your own life - it is simply what has worked for me. "The dedication you have for digging in, and living, and learning," is exactly what I have to say about you as well. I think we all have so much to offer one another here and I appreciate you always doing that through your writing and comments. I really want to thank you for coming back on the Gandhi/Dalai Lama post I did awhile back and saying how it was with you that day - it meant a lot to me.
Yes, time only eases the pain of the loss of a child, and grief and misery highten our artistic sense. I don't know your circunstances, but the inability to forgive someone for causing the death of a loved one is 'very' normal. Revenge is a much stronger human universal than forgiveness. As you eloquently hinted, only some kind of spiritual enlightenment can make the transfer.

Beautifully told my philosopher friend.
This post stirred so many emotions that it seems to have choked me of the ability to put the words I want to share with you into something comprehensible, so I'll just say thank you. This is one of those posts that will stick with me.
This is a powerful, well-written piece about such a difficult subject. Well done!
Oh,what a nice healthy opine.
You must know you are LOL!
You must know?
You have a nasty demeanor.
... you etc.,of certain ilk can't make her angry. Hurt, yes. But, anger transforms to be sweeter than honeycomb, if your rude and base, very lowly indeed ... You can't deny that! Fools gather to cluster with other wastrel ilk. Lowly people seem to wear a bade that reads`
Hi. I am a fool.
Fools come to town.
Everybody sees a fool.
Fools can't seed. Rude.
Anger too is a emotion.
Embrace your ill fools?
Fools cluster in herds.
Athena said this (via) through another mortal human to encourge those who meet the FOOL!
Don't worry`
Anger transforms
Fools are parasites.
Exploiters. Ridiculous.
Confrontational. Fears.
If confronted they smirk.
You experience your nature.
You loath. It's clear. Self-loathe.
There is a worst disposition yet.
If someone aims to share they hate.
That emotion is worst than hatred.
What a sick?
Who berates?
What dark bile.
So low self esteem.
Who has the virtue?
You have matured?
You were coddled?
Inform more bull.
Plutarch to nasty.
... though you may not be able to possess the pearls of such a woman, nor the silken robes of another, without paying a high price for them, yet he virtues of Others in history has been celebrated and people have been renowned for their virtues. You can possess those inner 'wealths' if you admit your monkey business job-toss-bile. You are the crap.
The nasty is.
Not Sparking.
I hope you know.
Ho ho woe low lol.
You creeps are glorious?
Happy? Virtuous? Depraved?
You were nurtured tenderly?
Someone abused? Besmirch?
I see no need to 'laugh' at all.
Who is a heroine and a fool?
You condemn your own self.
I am happy I got here.
My computer still is broken.
I love the story about when this dude was trained in marshal arts, and if someone was rude, the nasty Fool could have lost his life immediately. Insults are not the deeper problem. I'd Not accept any insult, obscenity, and ugly words. The buddha mentions he was skilled with a double-edge sharp sword. He no longer wanted to slay and penetrate with violence. He said `I refuse to take/accept what rudeness oozes (sorta paraphrasing) from you. Insults? I just listen and walk away.
Sparking is a big woman.
She is an adult. apology.
I just wanted to share.
on and on.
Fools no see.
Fools cluster.
Fool is a fool.
All know what?
Fools deny it.
Fools clump.
Herd packs.
jackals fox.
stink wolf.
stink hole.
Ho Heigh!
ho ho hoe.
That may need to be read twice.
Big? I didn't mean a big tummy.
World's Biggest Losers. Heigh ho!
They go to the therapist with scars.
Slices in their wrist and red-lipstick.
'Um cry `I ain't pretty and poop pant.
My notions are all from porn fantasy.
They say to a 'shrink' my testicles itch.
They say to the shrink my groin smells.
People in the streets say` I fox scat odor.
"Them." They wear eyes shades and cry.
They tell Fox News and others`I creepy.
he therapist says`In other words`stink.
The foul stinker says`Yes, butt, I helps.
I helps thee maggot worm lowly bases.
something like that.
sorry to call you`Big.
You may be be a `cootie?
I mean`
You wear pretty red lipstick?
You leave ring-ring on farmer?
I really need to ask for forgiveness!
Kissing people types make the saint!
If Ya real 'big' - wear polka dot tutu!
Keep a price-tag on a wiggle waddle!
“I didn't really get sidetracked, I was just going in deeper.”

Funny, how many of us that one line resonated with.
Me... I get sidetracked. lol.
Damn, you're a fine writer. rated.
Donna - thank you for your words of comfort. May we all find peace.

WalkAwayHappy - Wow, how kind of you to say my friend, I am humbled.

"next please" - Loved your concise statement of the difference between punishment and preparation - very intuitive. Thank you for this.

patricia k - thank you. You know, the apologies always come from kind and concerned strangers-turned-friends. I used to shy away from receiving them, but now I take it in as the Universe's way of letting my heart here kindness no matter where it comes from. While I believe it isn't necessary to hear to heal, it still feels nice. Thank you.

john - It is? Hmm...I'll have to think about that! :) Always have to leave an emoticon for you dear sir! It is interesting to try to talk objectively about an experience which was gut-wrenching to walk through. However, I think this again is due to the "when", from the purview of hindsight.

CoyoteOldStyle - You are most welcome! The inner journey is indeed fabulous, trying, and all together the greatest thing I believe we have in terms of value as humans.

Sage! - Wow, your comments are always akin to a blog post of its own. Let's see what I can ferret out to reply to - I treasure that.

"We do not control our natures, except through long and diligent work; until then, our natures control us." I have found this to be the truth espoused by many sages and certainly has played out in my own life time and time again. It takes constant conscious effort to observe the unconscious thoughts/feelings/actions we take. The trick for me is to not judge any of it. In other words, all thought is God, all feelings are God, all action is God. Many religions are not congruent with this idea - especially the action part.

For me, I see God as everything. A friend of mine recently reminded me of how some Hindus worship God the Destroyer (Shiva) amongst its many incarnations to celebrate the Supreme Being - this being a sect of Hinduism who subscribes to a Supreme Being theory versus a the philosophical, non-dualistic sects. From this perspective, life-death-rebirth simply "is".

I personally align with the non-dualistic approach and don't subscribe to a "Supreme Being" idea, as I do not see or feel God that way, so neither of your logical conclusions fits for me. I see God as everything within and without, with no God above me or below me. I see I have more power in the creation of my situation than being at the will of a Supreme Being or merely reacting to the randomness of the universe. I am God and God is me. So within as without.

I also do not think of any of us as all good or all evil - I certainly see my self as a mixed bag with my own karmic pitfalls. The trick for me was to awaken to understanding I do not need to be stuck in the polarities which require me to stay in judgment. While I may stumble there on occasion, I no longer remain firmly encamped. I am a work in progress.

Indeed, the oscillations are inherent in the process and the view is grand when we peek up after having gone in deeper once again. These are the moments I treasure. Greetings back atch'ya!

sophieh - I am glad you found something to linger on here.

Bill S. - you are always so kind, thank you for that. I appreciate your sentiments and I am grateful the peek was something which resonated for you.

Lea - Thank you my friend!

Patrick - I stand in awe of the friendship I have found here with you. Thank you for your wonderful support - you are so kind.

Smithery - You are so welcome. I am glad that sentence had meaning for you - I think we all wrestle with the idea, "this again?" at times. Finally, I found a way to make peace with it. Realizing if I was continuing to be constructive, I was simply going to find different layers and situations which would bring new emotional dichotomies into the light. That's going in deeper for me today. You are such a breath of fresh air. :)

Scarlett - Great point! Indeed, that is what I refer to as being stuck in the polarity of emotion - which leaves us blind and unconscious. Thanks for your comment and insight.

mamoore - Ahhhh! You are so sweet my friend. You make me blush all the time.

scupper - an EP in your eyes is enough for me. Wow, what a compliment. I am glad you found something from my heart to yours.

Lainey - Ditto! You amaze me as well. I love how you examine all sides of things. I am always so excited to read one of your posts! Although it wasn't a question, I would like to answer "how I do it." It was both. Nothing else worked - I had to face it or it was obvious I would fall apart. However, I did have choices as to how I would face it, that part was up to me. :)

Natalie - Ahhhh! Again, with the compliments, too kind!

Gwendolyn - I am so happy you thought so. Thank you for the comment.

Carole - and also with you. Peace.
Sparking-It will take several reads for me to encompass the very depth of this beautiful writing. Rated, of course.
Sparking, I'm going to ponder the concept of "nothing to forgive." I know that anger and resentment are poisons, but sometimes it's very hard to let them go. The Buddhists call it letting go of your storyline.

I also think of the stoic philosopher Seneca who reminded us that anything that can happen to a human being can happen to you. Your story reminds me in a way that no one is immune to the most tragic and unexpected events. They are a simply part of life.

A few years ago, I read a fabulous book called "Field Notes on the Compassionate Life" by Marc Ian Barasch. One chapter is about a man whose daughter was murdered and how he chose to handle it. It made me cry it was so beautiful and beyond my capacities. You might find it interesting, though it seems to me you have found your own way.

I commend you for opening your heart in this piece. What a very hard road to travel. Having never had to walk that road I will not presume to know the emotions of it. That you have found a method that works for you is truly a blessing. Sharing it may be a true blessing to others who need to know that there is a way from the darkness to the light. Each of us deals with forgiveness in our own way. Mine is different than yours because our paths have been different. Finding some peace of mind in the end is a goal we both share. I am very glad you have come to a place where even if you slip a bit you know what to do to come back to that more peaceful place again.

I'm glad you made it through to peace and acceptance. You write about it with amazing grace.
Sorry, I have a sinus infection which has been holding on, finally getting back to responding, if anyone is still reading. :)

Trilogy - It has taken a lot of work - thank you for recognizing that. I tried to emphasize the "when" in this piece, but I didn't exactly give a time frame. It's funny, I actually wanted to forgive more than I wanted to go through the process at first. My spiritual mentor told me that was "drawing a card from the bottom of the deck." As my physical body was so limited, I was pretty apt to listen, I had urgency on my side. In the middle, I wanted nothing to do with any ideas of forgiveness, it simply left me. I was struggling. It isn't until coming through and peeking out the other side that I have begun to see theological ideas like forgiveness and other things in a whole new light. It's just looks different to me. I didn't plan on that, it just happened. The clarity came from just putting one foot in front of the other.

Mimetalker - reading that sentence again made me tear up. I am so blessed.

Lee H. - I realize my take on forgiveness is different than a lot of other peoples. I, too, have been a victim who was blamed as being the "cause", which of course made me angrier. For me, in the end, not at the time, I saw this as a gift. This experience was an opportunity to go deeper into the depth and context of anger - these people provided that for me. I am now able to reflect nothing but love back to them - there is not anger any longer.

As far as no act being terribly hurtful, I didn't say that. I said I was very angry and once the anger passed, my job was to grieve the loss of my son. I have done that. I now have a deep connection to him which was not there when all that anger and pain was blocking me from him. As far as being "nuts", well, I am not sure you are qualified to make that decision if you haven't walked in my shoes - something about contempt prior to investigation. I think the most powerful words we can use when talking about what we believe is "for me". I hope you find what works "for you."

Tim4Change - Thank you my dear friend! Yes, I am familiar with Anthony DeMello, although it has been awhile. I remember he was a priest, almost a mystic of sorts, and he talked about the tenets of other faiths? I liked how he spoke of prayer. For me, prayer is simple - help and thank you. His discussions were awesome about that, how you can say the prayers but to follow-up with action. I liked that. While he was a Catholic, which ultimately believes in a Supreme Being, rather than a unifying being, which is what I align with, I loved how he spoke of our connection. You'll have to tell me what you liked about him? Wow, I'll have to see if I still have a book by him or not. Thanks for your comment.

Thoth - yes, a spiritual unfolding was definitely necessary for me. And, as I said in this piece, the one point which still occasionally raises its head is thoughts around 'justice.' It is difficult. I am no saint nor claim to be. I just have a process which has worked, time and time again, and each time it leaves me feeling less burdened and ultimately knowing that love truly is the answer for me. Thank you for your continued kindness and friendship.

Natalie - thank you, I really respect your opinion. This was hard to put "out there" and I appreciate the feedback immensely.

Caroline - ditto! I know you will tell me the truth and I appreciate your words of encouragement.

ART! - looks like p1010 got purged from the system. Was a nasty little bugger, wasn't he/she/it? Once I saw it was an equal opportunity bashing of all women on the site, I knew not to take it personal - but thanks for being my dashing prince!

"You wear pretty red lipstick?
You leave ring-ring on farmer?"

You'll just have to wait and see for my visit! ;)

ranting boomer - Wow, that is so kind of you to say.

junk1 - thank you for your visit and kind words. I hope you find something for yourself here - it is just my little 'ol life. Okay, it's my big little 'ol life. ;)

reluctant muse - I will definitely check out that book! I hadn't heard of it - thank you. I always wonder how others find their way so it is definitely of interest to me, thank you.

"I also think of the stoic philosopher Seneca who reminded us that anything that can happen to a human being can happen to you."

Yes, right, brava! Isn't that, in a strange way, what we want? Now, hear me out. Enlightenment means "in knowledge of", and if our souls are indeed in search of emotional experience, then we are all here to gather the emotional experience of all the emotional knowledge available to wo/man. Now, where I think mankind got off-track, is they got stuck in polarity. They forgot they are creators, gods at play with each other. A simple thing called the imagination would allow us emotional experience without ever having to have it "play out" in real life. What an amazing thing to awake to. What a much more loving world we would live in if we all processed the feelings around murder, genocide, famine and reflected love from our soul back to these situations. I wonder what our world would like then?

Monte - "Finding some peace of mind in the end is a goal we both share." Isn't that lovely? Yes! Let us all find a way to find peace in our hearts and minds. So very nice to meet you Monte.

LunchLady2- I just heard amazing grace sung today for the Haiti disaster. I feel so blessed to have made it through, too. I know it could have gone very differently. Thanks for coming by!
I have no words that are adequate, Sparking, just much appreciation. ((hugs))
Oh my. This is remarkable. Tragic -- and ultimately triumphant. I'm so glad you came out of this journey so well. I can't imagine what you've been through. This is truly extraordinary. I guess the healing is never total, but the transformation is breath-taking. Thank you for sharing this story. It must have been difficult to write -- but I'm so glad you did. Best wishes to you and yours.