SnippytheGrammarDog

SnippytheGrammarDog
Location
CrAZytown, United States
Birthday
January 01
Title
The Guard Dog of Grammar
Bio
Not really that fixated on grammar, but it's fun pretending. Find the errors in this sentence: I texed him last night to advice him, "Its time to reign in the cat, its to full of it's self.'

SnippytheGrammarDog's Links

Salon.com
FEBRUARY 26, 2012 11:38PM

Arizona lawmakers: Let's put poor kids in college loan debt!

Rate: 11 Flag

Phoenix -- Arizona lawmakers, faced with the prospect of losing their undisputed title of Lowest Average State Legislature IQ in the Guinness Book of World Records to Virginia, took drastic steps last Thursday to undo the damage to their reputation.

"Look," said  Rep. John Kavanagh, R-Fountain Hills.  "We promised Mitt we wouldn't touch a transvaginal ultrasound bill until after November, and in the meantime, we're losing credibility with the late-night comedians.  We had to do something!"

That "something" turned out to be a bill that will require all Arizona undergraduate students at the three state universities to contribute at least $2,000/year toward the cost of their tuition, which now exceeds $9,000/year.   The proposed bill calls for grant money to be reduced accordingly.  Students who are without means to pay their "fair share" will be told to apply for student loans.  The bill narrowly passed out of the House Appropriations Committee on Wednesday. 

Supporters of the bill said students should have more "skin in the game."  Contending that $2,000/year plus an estimated $1,500 for books and miscellaneous expenses is still "only $14,000" over the course of a 4-year undergraduate career, lawmakers dismissed the protests of about 100 students as "a bunch of sissies whining." 

"This is much less than the cost of the new car you're sure to get when you graduate," said Rep. Michelle Ugenti, R-Scottsdale.   "My daddy spent more than that on my convertible when I graduated from ASU.  It was only a Mustang, and I wanted a Corvette, but he told me, 'Welcome to life, honey.'  And that's what I want to say to all you complainers today: 'Welcome to life.'" 

Kavanagh, agreeing, said, "Hey, this isn't much money.  Look at the Chevy Sonic.  I wouldn't trust a kid of mine in that aluminum can on wheels.  And we're asking you to put less into your education than a crap car would cost you."

"Wait a minute," student Meagan Morgan of Gilbert objected.  "I'm driving a 1996 Saturn with 200,000 miles on it that cost me fifteen hundred dollars.  I won't be driving a new anything in the foreseeable future!"

"This is the USA," she was reminded by Rep. John Fillmore, R-Apache Junction.  "In the USA, we can all dream of driving cheap new cars."

Several of the students who signed in to express their opposition to the bill declared that the annual tuition was only a small part of their education expenses.

"Skin in the game?" quipped Mike Evans, 22, of West Mesa.  "I sell my plasma twice a week to help pay for a cockroach-infested apartment and my car insurance.  I know it's not 'skin,' but don't body fluids count for something?"

 Rep. Fillmore offered this to placate the upset student: "I wasn't going to say nothing yet, but one of the members of the Arizona Board of Regents needs a kidney transplant, and if one of you kids from the wrong side of the tracks are a match-up, I just bet he'd pay you the $14,000. "  As students booed, he added, "Well, okay, it's not likely, but think outside the block here.  You could advertise extra body parts on eBay or Craigslist and probably make even more!"

Further attempts to secure student buy-in were made, as Rep. Kavanagh assured the assembled students that athletes would be exempt from paying any tuition out of their own pockets.  "See, instead of spending all that time doing your homework in high school, you could have been playing football or basketball," he chuckled, shaking a finger at several scowling young people. 

Rep. Ugenti added, "I played rugby when I was in college, so you know I'm tough.  Step right up and I'll arm-wrestle any one of you pansies."

Rep. Justin Olson, R-Mesa, said, "If every student has to pay a couple thousand a year toward their education, then ASU can adjust the costs for everyone else.  I got two kids in college, and since they're C students, I have to pay the whole nine yards.  If you pay out, it'll mean I have to pay less," he finished, triumphantly.

Rep. Fillmore revealed that he had not gone to college because times were rough in 1969.  "I had to go into politics instead, and I'm not near as rich as I could of been if I'd got my degree."

Kavanagh cited statistics suggesting that a college degree earns its recipient nearly a million dollars more over the course of a career.  "Well, yeah, the research is from ten years ago, so just think how much more true it is today," he argued.  

Student David Mulligan argued, "Why is it that all my fellow waitpersons at The Olive Garden are college graduates?  They can't find any other jobs!"
 
Kavanagh pointed out that Mulligan was lucky.  "You could be behind the counter at McDonald's, you know.  I doubt they make as much money as you do!"
 
Jessica Sydney of Glendale objected.  "My mom has been out of work for more than two years now.  She got laid off from a middle-management job and hasn't been able to find a thing.  And she's a U of A grad!"
 
Ugenti said, "Well, that's a Wildcat for you.  Go Sun Devils!"
 
Republican legislators assured students that things could have been worse. 
 
"We were considering exempting veterans from paying the $2,000/year.  But they are used to making sacrifices for the good of their country, and this is just one more they will be more than happy to make," said an unidentified state congressman, on his way out to his Mercedes-Benz GL450 SUV, which sported a yellow "Support Our Troops" magnet.
 

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
I'm going to email this link to my state legislators next!!!
Oh good Lord, Snippy. You can't be serious. I keep wondering if the government in Arizona is competing with, say Mississippi, to do one stupid thing after another?
Froggy, I had fun attributing silly quotes to the legislators involved, but other than that, it is all true. And I don't apologize for the silly fake quotes; they are more honest and less stupid than the drivel these nincompoops spew daily.

This whole thing has made me so angry I could spit nails. I am certain that the loan industry is behind this. Let's make poor kids start out in life with as little hope for future prosperity as possible, by loading them down with debt as soon as they turn 18!!
I figured the quotes were fake, but situation was real. Sad, sad times we live in.

I do not understand the right. They want people to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. Not ask the government for anything. But education and birth control, two of the most fundamental assists toward future financial solvency (and being solid taxpayers), sorry, no, those are luxury items and you can't have them unless you pay for them yourselves.

The logic baffles me.
The stupidity of the stupid never ceases to amaze me. It's overwhelming, it really is.
And the race to the bottom accelerates...
Time to set up Citizen's Universities and leave the government out of it completely.
.
Skippy you don't bark unless you have something to say. Keep barking.
If only there were enough people to appreciate the fine and accurate satire here.
It's obvious Arizona legislators don't want poor kids getting college educations -- they won't vote for ignorant Arizona legislators if they get educated. Two words tell me just how stupid is the average Arizona voter: Jan Brewer.

Of course, Jan and Arizona have some pretty stiff competition from the voters in Florida, who elected Rick "1.7 Billion-Dollar Medicare Fraud" Scott governor ... and voters who elected "Pope" Bob McDonnell Governor of Vagina ... and voters who elected Ric "Snatch'n'Grab" Snyder Governor of Michigan -- and voters who elected Scott "Kochwhore" Walker Governor of Wisconsin. Is this a great country or what?
Vets should have to pay $9,000 a year. Like been said, they love sacrificing themselves!! ~:D
Brilliant. Frightening. Enraging. Hilariously gloomy.
Thanks to those who care and comment about politics on OS. Not quite as fun as obsessing about Academy Awards trivia or writing about sex, as so many do here, but vital to a well-informed democracy nonetheless. I've got to rush off because I'm late to work again, but I appreciate your support very much, and am grateful that a few people are aware. Just remember: Coming to a state near you: Mangled conservatism! Be very afraid!
And remember our new state slogan, brought to you by Jan Brewer: Arizona--we put the AZ in CRAZY!!!
Yup Jan Brewer leads the pack!
Dammit, Cindy, did you make this whole thing UP?? I was believing every word until I got to the end and read the tags. It *seemed* perfectly logical, from an AZ legislator's POV. I was going to say I think the number of people in Arizona who aren't full-blown asshat right-fringe card-carriers has dwindled to you, pretend farmer and ... Wait I'm sure there's one more. I'll be back when I think of it.

This was brilliant, by the way.