Scribblings from an ink slinger

One newsman's take on life, the world and what-nots

smalltownwriter

smalltownwriter
Location
California, USA
Birthday
December 06
Bio
In the newspaper business for more than 20 years. I write, I edit and take photos ... I'm a triple threat.

MY RECENT POSTS

Smalltownwriter's Links

Salon.com

On Jan. 1, 2010, I wrote my first blog entry here on Open Salon. I felt isolated, lonely and desperate. I believed I had no one to speak with about what I was going through. The response I received from many contained this piece of advice: Go to an Al-Anon meeting.… Read full post »

It's been a while since my last post. In that time, I've run through the range of emotions -- anger, depression, extreme grief and even some happiness. For four months, I was alone, a single parent trying to raise two young children while my wife did whatever she was doing in… Read full post »

APRIL 27, 2012 11:58PM

The clock is ticking

It's been five weeks since my children last saw their mother. 

I'm typing this on my iPhone as she is trying to get our 3-year-old son to sleep in another room. Our 1-year-old daughter is conked out  in her crib.

I am in Nevada for an extended weekend visit. Yes.… Read full post »

APRIL 2, 2012 12:23AM

Am I 'back on the market?'

After a couple of years of trying to save this marriage, I'm starting to wonder if it's really over ... as in done ... stick a fork in it.

After Thursday's Alanon meeting, someone I've known for years outside the support group approached me, armed with a compliment.

"I just… Read full post »

MARCH 25, 2012 8:40PM

May I have this dance?

I'm not a very good dancer. It's not something my size-12 feet were meant to do. Coordination? Forget about it.

The alcoholic dance, though, is something in which I'm well versed. One step forward, two steps back, a sideways glance, cheek-t0-cheek, move to the beat. 

My two precious little ones… Read full post »

MARCH 18, 2012 10:11AM

Trying to find myself

For years, I've been someone else for everyone else and in the process, I seem to have lost myself.

Being married to an alcoholic, and coming from a family ripe with all the "isms" of alcoholism, has left me confused. As the adult child of the adult child of an alcoholic,… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 19, 2012 10:20AM

Mom did the best she could

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I've been married to an alcoholic for six years and we've been together for 10.

I didn't know she was an alcoholic, but began to suspect about four years ago. Even so, I didn't know what that meant. What's an alcoholic? A panhandler in the… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 18, 2012 9:39AM

Alcoholic love

I wrote a blog entry a couple of years ago outlining some of the difficulties being married to an alcoholic. I'm still struggling with many of those same issues as I face my wedding anniversary today without my wife by my side.

I've struggled the last couple of weeks trying to… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 13, 2012 10:10AM

Looking at the positives in life

Consider this my "gratitude" list for today. I need to look at the positive things in my life right now.

I'm grateful for the strength I've found to take charge of my life. I've dropped more than 60 pounds in a year. I tried to make a lifestyle change in January… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 11, 2012 9:19AM

Rainy days

I finally spoke to my wife yesterday, the first time I've heard her voice since Sunday when the ambulance took her to the hospital. That's the day I called 9-11 when I couldn't even get her to open her eyes. Her blood alcohol content (BAC) was at near-lethal levels (.46 to… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 10, 2012 1:45AM

In sickness and in health

Today was difficult for me. I'll admit that. My 1-year-old daughter was awake at 3 a.m. and not willing to give it up and return to sleep. When I had my wife here, she could help and we'd take turns. She's not here. That's reality.

(A quick recap: Her battle… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 8, 2012 11:11PM

Gotta have friends

From years of dealing with an alcoholic wife to suddenly finding myself alone is an odd experience. My mother is here to lend her moral support and a helping hand with the housework and my two young children, but it's not the same.

In 10 days, my wife and I will… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 8, 2012 8:32AM

Crashing down

After a week of no drinking, my wife's old habits returned with a vengeance during a four-day bender. It all culminated with me telling her she had crossed my boundaries and I'd had enough.

After consulting with my father, my Al-Anon sponsor and an Al-Anon friend, I found the strength and… Read full post »

JANUARY 28, 2012 5:52PM

Let's talk about me

I've been trying to focus more on myself and the kids, rather than worry about what the alcoholic in my life may or may not be doing.

To that end, I've stepped back from some major commitments in my service club. I've started taking time off work to spend with my… Read full post »

JANUARY 18, 2012 11:57PM

Asking for help

I'm not someone who reaches out and asks for help. That isn't in my nature. So, someone upstairs decided to make it very easy for me the last few days.

First, that young lady from the Al-Anon meeting I mentioned in a previous post reached out to me. I told her… Read full post »

JANUARY 17, 2012 1:04AM

Trying to keep it together

Dangit. I thought Al-Anon birthday night was Thursday but now that I look at the calendar, it's actually next week. It gives me something to look forward to, I suppose.

I am finding myself abuzz with negative thoughts. Today, before I went to work, I swung by my wife's job to… Read full post »

JANUARY 15, 2012 11:04PM

One strange day

About 10 a.m. today, I just broke down in tears. What the hell? I'm supposed to be strong, tough and beyond all this. Sometimes I hate it when my emotions get the better of me.

What started it? My wife asked me how she looked. She was wearing a white… Read full post »

JANUARY 15, 2012 12:15AM

Focusing on myself

Next week, I get my tw0-year chip in Al-Anon. That's pretty cool, in my opinion. I'm looking forward to my sponsor being there and handing it to me. Unlike AA, in Al-Anon you only get a chip once each year (on your Al-Anon "birthday").

To keep the focus on myself,… Read full post »

JANUARY 13, 2012 10:12PM

Emotional needs

The line, "Progress, not perfection," means a lot to me these days. I know I've come a long way in two years, and I have a lot more to learn about alcoholism and how it affects those close to the alcoholic.

The mood in the house has been strange since my… Read full post »

JANUARY 11, 2012 9:32PM

Working a fourth step on this one

My wife had been sober (other than one two-week relapse in August 2010), since February 2010. That all ended in December 2011 with a bender that lasted through the first week of 2012. There were a lot of hurtful things said by my wife during those weeks. I had to take… Read full post »

JANUARY 11, 2012 12:52AM

What's in store for the future?

After finally getting herself square again, and working with her sponsor in AA, my wife sat me down tonight and in no uncertain terms told me she doesn't want to be intimate with me and "needs her space" to work on herself. It fell short of asking for a divorce (as… Read full post »

JANUARY 4, 2012 12:17AM

One tough day

A lot of "stuff" hit the fan today, so to speak. My wife's drinking has become dangerous and I was forced to take away her car keys and, on the advice of my Al-Anon sponsor, issue her an ultimatum as well as remove the kids from the situation.

There were… Read full post »

JANUARY 2, 2012 11:51PM

My gratitude list for today

As somone with two small children (ages 1 and 3) as well as older kids (12, 13 and 18), I have a lot to be grateful for.

My kids are wonderful. They light up the room and my life. They truly do give me the strength to carry on.

When I… Read full post »

JANUARY 1, 2012 7:13PM

2011 is the year I'd rather forget

I'm having deja vu. It was two years ago today that I posted my first blog entry. I was angry, full of resentments and bitterness.

January 1, 2010 was the day I truly came to realize I was married to an alcoholic.  Not knowing what else to do or where else… Read full post »

JANUARY 12, 2011 10:28PM

New year, new life

I posted last time that my wife and I were on baby watch. That watch officially ended just before the new year started.

The little bundle came a few weeks early, but that's OK. She's small, but mighty. Did I have the house just the way I wanted it to be… Read full post »