If you have yet to experience Herman Cain's odd new political advertisement, the time has come. [If you DID experience the ad, you've already had your "what the HELL?! moment; feel free to proceed to the commentary.] Herman Cain aptly demonstrates his lack of ability and judgement in new and terrifying ways, and adds to his resume one more job title he would suck at.
At first glance, the ad appears to be a typical, run-of-the-mill doomsday ad. Desolate wasteland: check. Creepy child: check. Naked tree branches: check! Dying goldfish and invisible bullfrog: check! Wait, what? Really?
The ad opens with a quick zoom in on a plain orange goldfish, peacefully swimming around in a glass globe. The next shot is of the poor goldfish being forcibly ejected from his bowl onto parched ground; so begins Herman Cain's brief, bizarre ichthal snuff film.
As the goldfish impotently flops about on eye-searing colored fishbowl pebbles, gasping anxiously, the shot cuts to a small and creepy female child wearing rather a small haystack masquerading as hair. It purposefully stumbles over words like "stimulus" and "economy" in what was likely intended to be an adorable speech impediment, but just comes off as profoundly wrong. Uttering the plagiarized lines of the feeble script while standing indifferently over the desperate fish as it gasps and flops around in the course of dying on the ground of a barren, post-apocalyptic landscape [which really could have used some ravens. What's a barren, post-apocalyptic landscape without ravens?] the child slops water over the fish, burying it alive in black mud. As the gasps of the fish become shorter, and shallower, and Death glides closer, the Goldfish Torturer gives the camera full face and prepares to take questions. Death either understood everything, or just didn't care; he didn't have any questions, at any rate. Or maybe he did, and she just didn't notice because he's invisible. Herman Cain didn't have any questions, either, but then again, Herman just stood on a computer-generated mountain across the way and watched the kid torture and kill a poor little goldfish. [Is that really surprising, considering his foreign policy ideas?] He probably picked out the cringe-inducing neon 80's color scheme of the fishbowl pebbles, too; the bastard. The camera pans out as the kid throws a screaming temper tantrum. Cut to Herman on his mountain, looking smug. A frog does appear to have a question or two, but he's brutally rebuffed by the abrupt end of the ad. [You just know he put in a call to his agent.]
Note: The referenced bullfrog may, in fact, be a wild boar. It's actually more likely, considering that Herman is a wild bore. My apologies to the boar if this is so.
Though Herman's ad appears to imply that those who dare question any of its content will be hunted down by a pack of rabid, ravenous wolves, who will savage the inquisitive nature from your body, along with the rest of your internal organs, those made of sterner stuff may find the ad just a tad perplexing.
Well, yes; I have a few.
Were any goldfish harmed during the making of this ad? Did they eventually end up on a $9.99 pizza? How long after animal-rights activists start screeching will it take Herman Cain to spin the ad as a liberal-left/PETA conspiracy against him?
Why did Herman Cain rip off the "This is your brain on drugs" script? Do his funds not run to hiring writers? Or halfway decent political advisers? Did the Cain Train just steam along, plucking up downtrodden would-be film directors from the gutters outside second-rate urban postmodern art galleries, former political science major college dropout stoners from their smoke breaks in the alley behind a low-volume internet cafe and the local mixed-breed pet store, and a good portion of the unemployed liberal arts degree holders exploding out of the woodwork [to whom everything is a post-apocalyptic landscape following the post-graduation realization that a degree in liberal arts is kind of like a really expensive CDL pulled from a Cracker Jack box; it looks good, but you really can't do anything with it]?
Why is the child stumbling over the pronunciation of "economy" and "stimulus"? Couldn't Herman afford a better actor? Is this meant to be some sort of vague and sorry statement about education?
Why is the child so angry when she asks if there are any questions? Is it because Herman Cain made her kill some goldfish? If I did have any questions, I wouldn't ask someone who just murdered a goldfish, and I sure wouldn't ask her; she sounded pretty pissed, and she looks like she might be a biter. I'm betting her temper was unleashed upon the poor goldfish in the form of a good stomping before it ended up on Herman's pizza, but it's all good; I hear goldfish paillard is the next big culinary trend in the pizza-deal world of cuisine.
And why, WHY is a frog croaking in the background? Anticipating a free dinner of goldfish tartare, perhaps? Fearing that he would be destined to become the Goldfish Torturer's nex t victim? Or worse, the ill-fated star of Herman's inevitable next weird ad? Perhaps it's merely meant to represent the symbolic death of Herman Cain's political career.
Herman Cain as a presidential candidate was frightening enough; how long must we suffer his disturbing efforts to cling to some slim shred of political fame?