Sheldon The Wonderhorse

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JANUARY 11, 2012 8:56AM

Things My Boy Should Know: A Guyde

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I got thinking about babies today.

Specifically, I got thinking about mine. He's not here yet, the Wonderpony, but we're only a few weeks away. With February fast approaching, I realized, "Holy shite, Shel, you got to get the boy some learnin' and fast". So, I started thinking: What should every boy know? What would have made my life easier if I had known this from the get-go? Ladies and gentleman, I give you: THE GUYDE.

THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #192

Built & Sounded like a tank

Boy, this is a 1970 Buick Riviera, my first car. It had a muffler, but you couldn't tell.  My first girlfriend couldn't see over the dashboard, and the horn was fashioned under the steering column, so you had to honk with your knee. All in all, it was a piece of crap. Still, it was better than what I'm currently driving. Sorry about that.

 

THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #632:

 Oooh, Scary!

Boy, this is a vampire. Notice the fangs and long fingernails. Also, notice he doesn't sparkle. Vampires never sparkle. If he's sparkling, not a vampire.  If he's sparkling, he can give you some great fashion advice, which there is certainly something to be said for.  But again, not a vampire.

 

THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #433:

 Duck Season

Boy, this is Bugs Bunny. Now, a lot of people will try to convince you that the only cartoon character that matters is a certain mouse. Don't listen to them - they are maroons.  The mouse has a better PR department, that's all. You want to get your Saturday morning chuckles, look for this guy. He won't let you down.

 

THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #725

Batter-dipped goodness.

Boy, this is a corndog. Basically, it's a hot dog dipped in batter than deep fried. It's really tasty. We ate a lot of these in Iowa, because really, there wasn't much else to do.  Avoid anyone who puts ketchup on one of these - they are mentally deranged. In fact, you should steer clear of anyone who even puts ketchup on a hot dog.  Yellow mustard is the only thing that should ever go on a corndog. Also, if you decide to one day run for office - avoid the corndog.  They taste great but make for seriously horrible photo-ops.

 

THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #956:  
Boy, this is what No Discernible Talent looks like. Sure, it's easy on the eyes, but really that's all it has going for it. Aim higher.
 
 
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #502:
Boy, this is Delaware. To our knowledge, no one actually lives there. In fact, not only will you probably never meet anyone who's from there, you will probably never meet anyone who's even been through there. I'm including it just so you know it does exist.
 
 
THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #377:
Is it a sandwhich, is it a meal? We may never know. You will, however, probably be living on these whenever you mom goes out of town. Don't worry - after the third bite, you tongue goes numb and you can't taste anything anyway.
 

THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #79:

Boy, this is the Pilsbury Doughboy. He was a mascot for a baking company. He later became Speaker of the House, divorced his wife when she had cancer, and ran for President. No one was sure what exactly caused the drastic personality shift.
 

THINGS MY BOY SHOULD KNOW #166:

Boy, these are boobs. Take a good look. Enjoy the time you have with them now, because you're going to spend the rest of your life trying to see them again.

 

 

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new dad, guys, boys, babies, humor

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Sheldon!!! Congrats! Oh what a lucky boy who is about to be born. And what a father he is going to have. Good to see you! This was great. As for the last picture, well some things are just plain true. Wise father in all ways.
I think you've got it covered. He'll be in good hands. Now go get some sleep--while you can.
I have a friend who claims to be from Delaware. But now I'm not so sure...
Delaware needs more press b/c its where most of the evil financial corporations are based. They like it that nobody visits them. Its like a giant gated, secret community, dedicated to credit card companies.
Your good and no 79 is right on....I think I know who you mean too.
Biden's from Delaware, otherwise, spot on. Good to see you back, and all the best with your upcoming foul.
Sheldon, you are going to be a wonderful parent, and I cannot wait to read of the adventures you are about to embark upon!

I would only add to your list one thing (I'm pretty sure it was #26 on my dad's list of great knowledge)...
The Dog, not to be confused with the Corndog. To listen to you when it seems no one else is, to explore the universe with when others are too tired and busy, and for understanding the value of loving and taking care of someone who depends completely on you.

I'm guessing you have this well covered, but with my Dog curled warmly around my toes, it seemed worth noting. Congrats and good health to your family!
Your pony is going to be just fine. Great stuff here... hmmm, I know of no OS bloggers from Delaware and have never heard anyone, ever, speak of some person or other they know from Delaware.
Ah the memories. I've forgotten more than I remember, but believe me when I say, the moment... 4:48am, July 19, 1993 is ETCHED.
Excited for ya horse daddy...
Since corporations are people, Delaware is overpopulated. Make sure you add a qualifier to #433 emphasizing that the boy should only watch Bugs cartoons voiced by Mel Blanc. To #166 - Amen.
Oh my god - this is brilliance. Love this list and hoping to see more. Congrats on the forthcoming offspring btw. I've got 2 boys, so I know you're in for some fun times ahead.
Egad, a Riviera, another mercifully extinct mastadon.

And as a matter of interest, WTF *did* Delaware anyway?

(Hope all goes well and that it's a safe arrival....)
Wise words, all.

No one lives in Delaware? Then why is there so much freakin' traffic when I go to the beach??
Fun stuff. Love your playful "guyde" spelling, and that last pic...a sight to behold. Here's hoping he doesn't have to try too hard.
Brilliant advice! I was with you all the way, especially about vampires and Bugs Bunny...but I have to confess...I put ketchup on hotdogs!
Like rat says...Love this!
Congratulations, Shel! Enjoy the ride, it's a good one! E
A great list -- the only thing missing is duct tape
What a fortunate baby! Enjoy! XO to you three.
Are congratulations in order? This is a funny post! Thanks.
things i should know, thx for the advs
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